Author's Note: As usual, thank you very much to all those who reviewed. Your comments have been greatly appreciated and I am definitely taking what some of you have said to heart. First, I know many of you are anxious for me to get on with the Seth/Summer part of the story, so don't worry, next chapter should have a very heavy focus on them, with actual interaction. Second, to those of you who want to know where the drama is, I only ask you to give me time. A story like this needs careful preparation and buildup; I've got to lay the groundwork for everything right now. But this should be the last of the major background chapters and from here on out I should be moving the plot along at a brisker pace. And if this chapter doesn't have enough angst for you, I will try to do better in future chapters.

I don't know how many of you are watching Chuck on NBC, but if you aren't, I urge you to start because the show is totally awesome. Not only is it a Josh Schwartz produced show; not only is it hilarious and nerdalicious; not only does it have very hot ass-kicking spy chicks, over the top action, and Adam Baldwin; not only is it probably the best new show of the season; but beginning this upcoming Monday, Rachel Bilson will guest star in the first episode of her multi-episode arc on the show. You can never have too much Rachel in your life, so tune in. Watch Chuck (and any other favorite show) while you can folks, because Chuck still hasn't been picked up for a full season order and if this strike goes long, it may never get that order. So watch.

Oh, and also, I feel compelled to remind people that this is an alternate universe tale and as such, there are a lot of things different between this story and what happens on the show. This includes event that took place during the first season, even if this ostensibly takes place post Seth's Season One boat trip. Please keep an open mind.

Warning: This chapter contains liberal use of foul language. I'm giving you fair warning now.

Oh shit. Ryan was standing not more than 20 feet from him, a blank look on his face. Seth quickly scrambled to his feet, putting as much distance between the two as possible. He held his hands close to his sides. "Oh h-hey Ryan, you're not Marissa." Seth let out an exaggeratedly fake laugh. "Oh this is a little awkward."

Ryan set his briefcase down near his feet and folded his arms across his chest. He regarded Seth with a cool, nearly impassive look. His face was simply a wall; Seth had no idea what he was thinking or planning to do. As nonverbal and uncommunicative as Ryan could be, Seth had always been able to read him fairly well. Now, he was getting nothing. It freaked him the fuck out. He started to babble, it was the only thing he could think of. "Okay, so Ryan, buddy, my brother, I know it's been a while, and things between us didn't exactly end on a high note, but I am here to make amends, to place things in their proper order, if you will. I mean, I just don't want to fight with you anymore. Okay, Ryan, okay?"

"Seth, shut up."

Seth snapped his mouth closed and shifted his feet very nervously. It was almost like old times, him babbling nonsensically, Ryan just letting him ramble until he got fed up. All he needed now was the Look and, wait, oh there it was. It was like he'd never left. "Ryan, I just need you to understand that – "

"Seth, I said shut up." Seth did as he was told once again. "I have something I need to say to you. I've thought over it for a very long time, and I wasn't sure I'd ever get a chance to say these words." Ryan took a breath and looked at Seth steadily. "I forgive you and I'm sorry."

"Y-you forgive me?" Seth's voice squeaked in disbelief. His whole question had been embarrassingly high pitched. Seth didn't believe it. Ryan forgave him? No way. No fucking way. "No, Ryan, no, this isn't right. And why the hell are you apologizing, you didn't do anything."

Ryan took a slow step forward and Seth couldn't stop himself from taking a step back. "Because of that." He motioned toward Seth clearly frustrated. "You're afraid of me."

Of course he was! The last time they had been in the same room together, Ryan had beat the shit out of him. Not that he didn't deserve it. Well, technically he didn't, but Ryan thought he had, and his adopted brother had always had a bit of a short fuse. "No, I'm not afraid of you per se, just the bad memories this situation brings up."

Ryan nodded his head, his shortly cropped hair unmoving. His facial features softened the tiniest amount and some of the tension left his body. He was looser and Seth eyed him warily. "And that's my fault. I should have never hit you. No matter what you did, I should have never tried to hurt you."

Try? Jesus, Seth was afraid to find out what would have happened to him if Ryan had actually succeeded in hurting him. Seth shook his head vigorously. This was not going how he had imagined. He had always thought if he ever saw Ryan again, he'd have to get on his hands and knees to beg for forgiveness, and to make himself appear even more feeble than he already was so Ryan wouldn't kick his ass again. It was one of the many reasons why he'd put off this confrontation to now; he didn't want to supplicate himself like that. Yeah, he was generally pretty pathetic, but he did have some pride buried deep within him. It had never entered his mind that Ryan would ever apologize to him.

He should have realized though. Ryan with his savior complex. Ryan with his tendency to blame himself for things he had nothing to do with. How many times had he tried to stop Seth from doing something stupid and gotten himself in trouble for it? Donnie for one, Mark May for another. And those were just the two Seth was remembering at this moment. Of course, Seth would never forget the Mark May incident; it had been the catalyst for this whole clusterfuck.

"Okay, Ryan, no, you're wrong. I'm just – I'm just, you know me, I have a natural aversion to bodily harm. That's all. I mean, I mean, I didn't exactly leave on friendly terms." Shut up, Seth! You're making things worse. Seth winced and tried to backtrack. "Not that I didn't deserve it, of course I did, and you don't have to apologize for that, because it was my fault." Seth quieted and looked at the ground. "I deserved it."

Seth had sworn, made himself promise, that if it was the last thing he did, he would never tell Ryan the real reason why he had spent that night with Theresa. Seth still wasn't sure how Ryan would take the news and there was always the possibility that Ryan's reaction those years ago had actually been restrained. Seth could only imagine what Ryan would do if he learned the truth. It could be Armageddon. Or he might reluctantly say that Seth had done him a favor. He seriously doubted the latter though. That just wasn't Ryan's style.

"Seth, if we – if I hadn't hit you, you would have never left."

"Nah, man, you know I can't stand confrontation." Seth looked up again and made an attempt to look Ryan in the eyes, but it was now Ryan who was avoiding him. "I would have hightailed it out of here anyway. It's what I do." Seth was very bitter, because what he had said was true. Running was what he did best.

Ryan took a hesitant step forward, and this time Seth forced himself to stay where he was. Encouraged, Ryan took more steps and shot him a grateful smile, well, the equivalent of a Ryan Atwood smile. It was more like a twitching of the lips, but Seth still knew his brother well enough to interpret at least that much. "Seth, I'm just – I'm sorry. So much has happened since you left that you never got to see and I can't help but feel I'm responsible. I'm so sorry."

Seth couldn't take this any longer, it was only making him feel worse and his guilt feel like an even heavier burden. Like he didn't already have eight years of this shit weighing on his mind, now he had to deal with Ryan apologizing to him? Not cool at all. "I never had sex with Theresa!" Whoops. Well there went his plan to take that to the grave. He just couldn't take the look on Ryan's face anymore.

Ryan froze, all forward momentum gone. His face just went completely blank, his eyes almost dead, like there was no life or anything in them anymore. Seth was afraid that he had just broken Ryan. "Ryan, hey, are you okay?" Seth took a tentative step toward his brother. Seth still felt like a wounded animal, he wouldn't hesitate to bolt for the nearest exit if things went pear shaped. Fortunately, there was still quite a bit of distance between them, and while Seth wasn't sure moving closer was a safe maneuver, he needed to make sure Ryan was okay. "Ryan?" He still walked closer.

Ryan seemed to snap out of whatever catatonic daze he had been in and his eyes halted Seth's movement. They were alive and full of a deep sense of regret and pain that made Seth close his own eyes. And there was also anger, a fury that made him unconsciously take a step backwards. One step forward, two steps back. It was how they did things now. "What the hell do you mean you never had sex with her? I – I saw you!"

Ryan's hands clenched into fists and warning sirens went off in Seth's head. Oh shit. Oh shit. It was like he was flashing back to that afternoon when he had confronted Ryan about the Theresa situation. Oh shit. "Um, Ryan, um, I mean that we never slept together. I mean, we shared a bed, you see, but that was all."

"No Seth, no, don't tell me that."

Seth sighed and ran a very shaky hand through his hair. He looked away from Ryan to the front of the house. Where the hell was Marissa? He needed her, like now! "But Ryan, it's true, we never did anything. Hell, I don't even know if she's an innie or an outie." Seth tried to laugh but it came out more like a garble.

"Seth, why?" Ryan sounded so desperate, so distraught, to know why. Like it was the most important thing in the world to him. Like if Seth didn't answer him he'd just collapse into a pool of self-pity, hatred, and loathing. For himself, for Seth, for everyone around him. Seth knew the feeling well, he'd been feeling like that for years.

"Because she was pregnant!" He yelled it. It was a release of every bad emotion he had ever held inside of him. All the tension and all the regret, he just wanted it out there.

Ryan knees went weak and he floundered toward the nearest surface that could support his weight. "W-what?"

"She was pregnant. I didn't know what else to do." Seth needed him to understand, that he hadn't meant to do what he did, but he was just a very stupid teenager that didn't think.

"Pregnant? Was it – was it mine?" Ryan whispered his question and Seth had no idea how to respond. He had never known himself.

"I don't know." He whispered in return and before he even realized what he was doing, he was sitting on the edge of the coffee table, not more than three feet from his brother. He wanted to reach out to him, just place his hand on his shoulder in a gesture of support, but he couldn't do it. He was too afraid. He hated himself.

"What the fuck were you doing!? Why did you make me think you had sex with her?" Ryan lashed out like a snake, his fist smashing into Seth's shoulder. Seth yelped out in pain and scrambled away from Ryan, massaging his shoulder.

God, Ryan was stronger than he remembered. He didn't even think Ryan had meant to hurt him, but he was sure at this moment his brother wasn't entirely aware of his surroundings. Not that he could blame him. "I don't know, okay! I was 16! I thought I was saving you, helping you."

Ryan stood up and took measured steps toward Seth. Seth found his intentions pretty clear now. "You thought making me think that my best friend had sex with my friend behind my back, and hiding her pregnancy where I might be the father, was saving me? How could you be so fucking stupid!?"

Oh God, he needed his pills. Where were his pills? When the going went tough, self-medicate, it was his new motto. He spun around and ran into the kitchen, spying his baggie of pills lying abandoned on the counter. Had he left them there? He didn't remember, but right now that wasn't important to him. He tore a bit of the plastic as he wrenched the bag open and pulled out four pills. He was just about to put them in his mouth when he felt Ryan roughly grab his shoulder, spin him around, and forcibly remove the bag from his hand. "What the fuck is this? Marissa told me about this. What are you doing?"

Seth was not the weakling he had been all those years ago. He would never be as big or as strong as Ryan, but he had learned a few things on his travels, and he did not like being touched. It brought back too many bad memories. He reached with his free hand and crushed his fingers against Ryan's arm, about an inch below his wrist. Ryan grunted in pain, allowing Seth to extend his hand and push Ryan's shoulder backwards, knocking him to a safe distance and allowing him to at least swallow the four pills he had in his other hand. "Don't touch me. I know what I'm doing." He put some distance between the two of them and both were now heaving and looking at each other with pissed off expressions.

Ryan didn't back down though. "Oh you know what you're doing huh? Like you knew what you were doing with Theresa?"

"Yes, I know what I'm doing! You're not my keeper, Ryan. You don't know what I've been through."

"That's your own fucking fault. Jesus, Seth," Ryan paused and made an effort to calm himself down, "I wanted to kill you." And with that, all of the anger just left Ryan's body.

"I wanted to kill myself!" Seth pounded his fist against the nearest countertop. Just to feel, just to express all his anger and frustration. He couldn't believe he was telling Ryan this. That was by far the darkest period of his life. He had come close to equaling that level of self-pity and depression only a few times in his life, after St. Louis and Kat being the most prominent moment in his mind, but he had never surpassed it. Which was probably a good thing because he doubted he'd even be having this argument with Ryan otherwise.

"Seth, no. I'm not that angry, okay?" Ryan held up his hands and backed away even farther.

"I don't mean now, I meant then!" God, he was so frustrated. Nothing was coming out right. Nothing about this meeting with Ryan was going right. Why couldn't it have just been water under the bridge? Why couldn't they just hug and say they were sorry and everything would be okay?

"You never had to leave."

"I did! You broke my fucking nose, Ryan!"

"I was angry!"

"That's why I left! Why I never wanted to tell you. Do you think I liked keeping this from you for this long? You were my brother – you are my brother. It killed me."

"You should have told me. I had a right to know."

Seth shook his head and rubbed his throbbing hand across his jaw. "She never had the baby."

Ryan didn't say anything. He just looked at Seth like Seth had just kicked him in the groin and spit on his writhing body. "What?" He whispered and looked like he might cry, whether from the phantom kick or the fact that Theresa had never had the baby, Seth wasn't sure. He pretended to not understand the look on his brother's face at least.

"She had a miscarriage about a month after – after everything."

"You're sure?"

Seth sighed and shut his eyes as he remembered that night in the cold, antiseptic smelling emergency room. The heartbroken look on Theresa's face as the doctor confirmed that her baby was gone was burned into his memory. That had been the first night he truly and thoroughly got drunk. That had also been the first moment he realized how much of a coward he really was. Theresa had been devastated and needed his support and what did he do? He ran away and tried to drink away his pain. He walked over to the sink and leaned over it, bracing his hands on either side and lowering his head close to the drain. He really felt like he was going to vomit. From this position, he answered Ryan. "I was there, in the hospital with her, when they told her." He swallowed and dry heaved. He couldn't throw up now, he still needed time for the pills he had taken to dissolve properly. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"I could have been a father. I would have never known."

Seth wasn't sure if he liked the quietness of Ryan's voice. He could be contemplative or thinking of the best way to murder Seth with his back turned. Although he liked to think Ryan would at least have the decency to wait until he was facing him first. He lifted his head from the sink, feeling the urge to vomit pass, and craned his head to speak to Ryan head on. "You are a father, Ryan, a great one. And if you had known about Theresa, you would have been a great father then too."

Ryan blushed briefly, but he quickly became angry again. One step forward, two steps back. "Would you have even told me? Like ever? Would she have told me? It could have been mine!"

"And it could have been Eddie's! So what? It's too late now."

"Asshole."

"Yeah, you don't have to tell me that, I already know."

"Why did you do it? There has got to be some better reason."

"Because of Mark May." He said it simply, flat, unemotional. How he hated that Teutonic motherfucker.

And in that moment, everything seemed to crystallize for Ryan. His eyes widened and cleared, his body went limp and he leaned against the counter. "Oh Jesus, Seth, you're an idiot."

"Again, you don't have to tell me that."

"Did you really think I cared? You were my best friend."

Seth shook his head and managed to make it to a stool before he lost the ability to support himself. "It didn't matter to me. Ryan, I was pretty much fucked up then." Seth held up a hand to stall any words from his brother. "Still am, obviously, but back then it was worse. I thought if you found out you had a kid, you'd never have the future you have now."

Ryan actually laughed, like a genuine eyes crinkling, stomach holding, barking laugh. Seth just looked at Ryan like maybe he wasn't the only crazy one in the family, before lightly chuckling himself. It was hard not to, he had never seen Ryan crack up like this before. He didn't put much heart in it though. "Seth, I don't know if I've ever told you this before, but I love you." Then Ryan walked up to him and lifted him off the stool and wrapped his arms tightly around him, squeezing.

To say that Seth was shocked would be putting it mildly. Marissa was right, Ryan had changed. Seth didn't know what to do. Did he hug back? Did he just stand there and hope this wasn't a trick? Did he hug back but do so warily? It was too confusing. Ultimately, he just patted Ryan awkwardly on the back. "Um Ryan, I'm confused."

Ryan pulled back, letting him go, a thin smile on his lips. "I know, but you should be used to it by now."

"Way to kick a man while he's down." Seth was amazed that they had seemingly just reached a breakthrough. How or why they had done so, Seth had no clue, but he wasn't about to argue with the results.

Ryan grinned. Actually grinned. Then he lightly shoved Seth's shoulder. "I can't believe you did all this, for all this time, because you thought you were doing me a favor."

Seth blushed and tried to avert his eyes. He knew what he had done was ridiculously stupid, but if Ryan appreciated it, then that was fine with him. Ryan did appreciate it, right? Seth still wasn't sure if this wasn't some elaborate plot to lull him into a false sense of security. Yeah, he kind of had trust issues. Totally not his fault though. "Yeah, well, I don't think I thought through everything very carefully back then."

Ryan laughed hard again. "Seth, I am sure I've told you this before, but I'll say it again just in case. I would have beat a hundred Mark May's then, and I would still do it now. That never mattered to me. I never cared about leaving Harbor." Ryan had lost a lot of his amusement and replaced it with calm determination.

"That was the whole point though. You had already done it once, because of me, and almost lost everything. I didn't want you to go through the same thing again." Seth swallowed a lump in his throat. Just thinking about the day where he had attacked Mark May made him verklempt.

It had been a long time coming. There was only so much harassment and abuse a guy could take before he snapped. Seth liked to think he had the patience of a Jedi. It took a lot to get him angry or upset, but once he did, he lost his ability for rational thought. He would do just about anything, humiliate himself, destroy relationships, ruin opportunities, in an attempt to rectify the slight against him. He was single-minded in his determination. And Mark May had known how to push all his buttons the right way.

Normally, guys like Mark May wouldn't have bothered him. Despite the occasional comment or shove, Mark had never shown any interest in him. Actively harassing geeks and losers was more Luke and Brad's thing. Seth had had quite a lot of experience dealing with guys like Mark for most of his life, and he would, under any other circumstance, have just let the shit Mark pulled wash over him like a breaking wave. But that was before Mark had started dating Summer. He had been so angry when he learned about them that he had actually, for the first time in his life, called Summer a horrible, selfish, manipulative, lying bitch to her face, and meant it. He had never felt more hatred and anger toward Summer than he had those first few weeks after he found out about them. He still remembered the clearly devastated look that overcame her, which had only made him hate her and Mark even more. How dare she make him feel guilty for being hurt, she had no right. It was her own damn fault.

It wouldn't have been so bad that she was dating Mark if they had never connected. She had fooled around with countless assholes before the summer Ryan had come to Newport. If he had never really got to know her and she him, he could have just brushed it aside like he did all the other times she had hooked up with somebody that wasn't him. But Summer and he had connected, in so many amazing ways, and what she did felt like a blatant betrayal. She knew how he felt about walking behemoths like Mark and she knew how guys like him had made his life a living hell. She knew how choosing somebody like Mark over him would destroy whatever grasp on his sanity he had left. She knew. Even then, that normally wouldn't have been enough.

But Mark May was not your normal run of the mill water polo playing dick. He was a special breed of sadistic bastard that loved to rub in Seth's face how he could make Summer scream like no one else. How he couldn't believe that Seth had ever thought he stood a chance with a girl like Summer Roberts when there were people like him around. Not a day went by where Mark didn't remind Seth of his public humiliation, and how Summer had went straight to him after the incident and begged him to take her out. She literally pleaded with him to go on a date with her, like she needed to do anything, or anyone, to get the horrible taint of Seth Cohen off her. And that was just the emotional and mental abuse. That didn't even count the sucker punches, random pushes into hard metal lockers, slashed tires, stolen articles of clothing, trashed shoes, and Seth's personal favorite, the accidental trip down the flight of concrete stairs. He always winced when he remembered that particular fall and subsequent visit to the doctor.

It was no surprise then, to him at least, that he had just snapped. In the quad. In front of half the school and as many members of the faculty. Mark had been walking by with Summer, and made some extremely disparaging comment that Seth didn't even remember, and both Mark and Summer had laughed right at him. He probably would have never done anything if Summer hadn't been there, laughing at him, not even looking at him like a human being, just an object of her amusement. That was too much and that was all it took. He could never hurt Summer, so Mark became the next best thing. Even after all this time, Seth heard the snapping of bone as he launched himself at the guy who was nearly twice his size, and Mark had fallen at an awkward angle and broken his arm. But again, Mark May was not your average water polo playing dick. He screamed in pain, climbed to his feet, and proceeded to defend himself. Not that Seth had made much headway past his initial wounding, but he was still proud of how he had handled himself against a vastly superior opponent. But Mark quickly turned the tide, despite his broken arm, and proceeded to kick the crap out of him.

That was, of course, when Ryan had entered the picture. Seth had always thought Ryan had good timing. Of course, if Ryan truly had good timing, he would have stopped Seth from attacking Mark in the first place. But still, Ryan's timing had been impeccable. He jumped into the fight, no questions asked, and Mark May with a broken arm was no match for Ryan Atwood with two good arms. That fight had ended quickly with Mark moaning on the ground of the quad, clutching his arm close to his chest, his nose pumping blood, and his right eye practically swollen shut. Students began milling around, and teachers restrained both Ryan and himself. Then the police had come. Then the parents. Then the disciplinary council.

And that was it. They were seriously thinking of kicking them both out, Seth for attacking a student for no cause and Ryan for joining in. Seth they weren't sure about; he was a model student with no prior disciplinary record. Ryan was not so lucky. His chances were considerably slimmer. It would be public school for them both. That had absolutely terrified Seth. If he could barely survive at a private school designed to provide for every little rich kid's whim, where if you got a broken nail they sent you straight to the health office to make sure you were all right, what would public school be like? There was no café at Corona del Mar, no comfortable tables with plush chairs, no gourmet cafeteria food. He would be like chum in shark infested waters. Of course the fact that Corona del Mar was one of the best schools in California had never entered Seth's mind. Or that maybe life would actually be easier for him not surrounded by so many privileged, judgmental assholes. All he heard was public school and panicked. He was too used to the controlled environment of Harbor. He would never make it through public school without Ryan. He couldn't take the chance.

He actively began to hope that if he got expelled, Ryan would too. He had hated himself the entire time, but he was in fight or flight mode and all he could think of was his own survival. Then the word came: Ryan would stay, Seth would go. It was a bit of a shock, but the council had taken into consideration that Ryan had thought he was defending Seth and not actually helping him hurt somebody on purpose. Seth panicked. He was going to be alone.

And a week later Theresa happened and his whole attitude changed. He no longer wanted Ryan to get screwed too, he just felt unimaginably grateful. Ryan had saved his ass. If Ryan hadn't showed up when he did, Mark might have beaten him into a coma. Ryan was always saving him, protecting him, and keeping him out of trouble. Wasn't it time he did the same? Sandy was doing his best to fight the ruling, and Seth remembered his father telling him every night not to worry, he was going to win. But all Seth saw was a life of even more torture and pain, and Theresa provided a chance to do something about it. He might have been a lost cause, but Ryan still had a future. Ryan had almost been kicked out of one of the best high schools in the country for him, this was his chance to return the favor. It may have been stupid, hurtful; it may have destroyed his life and ruined his relationships with the people he cared about most; but Seth had made the decision to help Ryan like Ryan always helped him. He didn't regret his decision. Not really.

He was an idiot.

"Seth, you're like my brother." Ryan grasped his upper forearm and squeezed affectionately. He nodded his head. "I would have done okay. We both would have. And if I had known about Theresa." His voice trailed off, at a loss for what to say.

"I'm sorry." Seth truly was sorry. He would never forgive himself for taking that opportunity away from Ryan.

Ryan blinked his eyes and patted Seth on the shoulder. "It's okay, I at least understand. That's all I think I ever wanted."

"Ryan I – I am so screwed up, man." Seth started to cry. This wasn't like when he had cried with Marissa. That had been mostly a release of tension and relief. He had realized that were still people in the world who cared for him and that feeling had overwhelmed him. Now it was desperation, despair, and hatred. He was lamenting his wasted life and the fact that he had no future. They were tears for his brother, who probably still hated him even if he was saying he understood; tears for Summer, who would never love him and always love someone else; tears for his parents, who had done everything for him and he had abandoned them; tears for himself, because he was worthless. This was a complete breakdown.

Ryan acted fast, his sturdy arms around Seth again as Seth sobbed. They both settled on the floor of the kitchen, Ryan awkwardly offering his support, and Seth doing anything he could to avoid looking at his brother as he cried. "It's okay, Seth. It's okay. We're going to get through this, I promise. I'm going to help you."

Seth cried harder at Ryan's words.