Author's Note: Surprise! Okay, so like this was completely unintended, but I decided to post this chapter now. Before you get all excited, this doesn't mean I'll be updating anytime soon after this. I kinda already had this chapter done before I posted the last one, and since you were all so understanding about the potential hiatus, I thought I'd post it as a reward of sorts. But I haven't written anything else after this, so I really am going to be focusing on my papers for the time being. Still, I felt it was important to post this now.
This is kind of the end of an arc in the story. Good thing too, as I was getting tired of writing Summer so...emotional. The girl is a badass and doesn't take crap from anybody and I feel I kind of stepped away from that part of her character. It will definitely be back though. We are going to be leaving Summer's POV for now and move back to Seth. I know some of you want more interaction with the rest of the gang, so have no fear, that's what you'll get for the next few chapters. I'm pulling away from the SS for a while, that doesn't mean it's over, it's just not going to be the focus of the story like it has been for the last four or so chapters. Hope you understand, and again, I know what I'm doing. I think the story is only going to get more convoluted from here. Yay!
When Summer finally woke up, she had the mother of all hangovers. It felt like there was little people tap dancing on her brain. Every movement, every marginally bright light, brought a rush of nausea and pain to her body. She couldn't remember ever getting this shitfaced before; it was truly a once in a lifetime experience. Never again, though, never again. She was already making that promise to herself as she managed to crawl her way toward the bathroom and the salvation of the toilet.
After depositing what felt like the entire contents of her stomach, she somehow found a way to stand up, swaying a little, and popped nearly a handful of aspirin. She swallowed the pills delicately.
She looked up and found her reflection staring back at her from the vanity mirror. She winced at the sight and looked away. Her hair was a tangled mess. She had a glaring red crease along the right side of her face from where she had fallen asleep on the edge of her pillow. Her eyes were spider webbed with veins and fast becoming extremely puffy. Her skin had a terrible pallor to it. She could not remember ever looking quite so terrible. It was fitting though, that she looked so bad. She had fucked up. And this was not just your run of the mill, everybody makes these kind of mistakes, fuck up. She had probably just destroyed everything. And for what? Because she was literally and legitimately a fucking moron. What a pointless, meaningless night.
She walked slowly back into her bedroom and considered her bed carefully. She could crawl back under her covers, hide away from the world, and forget about everything. Forget about Seth, Nick, Marissa, Anna, everything. They would probably be better off without her. She took a step forward. Nobody would miss her anyway.
"Summer? Summer was that you? Are you okay?" She could hear the sound of Nick's footfalls make their way down the hallway toward her.
What a stupid fucking question. Of course it was her and of course she was not okay. Summer moved toward the bed as fast she could and collapsed on top of it. She hid her face under a pillow. She didn't want to talk to Nick. She just wanted him to disappear for forever. "There you are." Reluctantly, she peeked one eye out to see what he was up to. Nick stepped into her bedroom, a smile on his face, and a glass of orange juice in his hand. He walked over to her and sat near the foot of her bed. "Here, I got you some juice. Thought it might help with," he motioned with the hand holding the glass at her miserable appearance, "well, you know."
Begrudgingly Summer raised her hand up and took the proffered glass. Pulling her head out from its burrow, she carefully sipped. The juice was sweet, a little bitter when she swallowed, but immediately she could feel her rumbling stomach calm a bit. "Thanks." She managed to mumble.
"No problem." Nick watched her drink for a while but he soon frowned and picked at her comforter.
Summer sighed and placed the glass carefully on her nightstand near her bed. She really didn't want to get into it with Nick right now. It was going to suck breaking it off with him. For the second time no less. But despite everything that had happened last night, she didn't want him to get the wrong impression. She wouldn't blame him if he got pissed off, called her a whore, a tease, a liar, whatever he wanted. It wasn't like she didn't deserve it. What had she been thinking? She had sworn to herself that she'd never toy with people like that again. And yet, at the first sign of trouble with Seth, she had reverted back to her old ways. It was a testament to the kind of power Seth had over her that she'd be so willing to fuck up her life at the first sign of complications. Why couldn't things ever go right?
Apparently, it wasn't the night they had just spent together that Nick wanted to talk about though. Not looking at her, his voice troubled and quiet, he said, "Some guy came by the house this morning."
How fan-fucking-tastic. She jumped up, ran to the bathroom, and promptly puked, although this time for a different reason than the hangover. It wasn't like her life didn't suck enough as it was, but now this? She couldn't believe that this was happening.
She felt a comforting hand on her back, rubbing it soothingly, and another hand carefully grasp her hair. She wanted to scream at Nick to get away from her, to stop touching her, but she couldn't. She just didn't have the energy to let the guilt take her over like that. She didn't deserve him and she certainly didn't deserve Seth. God, what had she done?
She threw up again, this time mostly dry heaves. There was little left in her stomach to actually vomit. She pushed Nick away and stumbled to the sink to wash her mouth out. Nick just stood still, looking at her concerned. "What did this guy look like?" She already knew the answer, but she needed to hear it confirmed.
"He was kind of strange looking, and had a lot of curly hair. Real nervous guy, I thought he was going to do what you just did on the front steps." He paused and ran a hand through his hair. "Said he was an old friend of yours and he asked me to give you a message since you weren't up yet."
Summer shut her eyes and slid down the wall of the bathroom. She had never been more terrified of anything than she was of what Nick might say. But she had to know, she had to know how seriously she had screwed things up. "What is it?"
"Didn't make much sense to me, but I figured you would know." Nick paused, shrugged his shoulders. "He said to tell you that he had his answer."
Summer shut her eyes as tight as she could, but that didn't stop the tears from starting to trickle down her cheeks. She fought to compose herself. She couldn't break down now, not with Nick in front of her, he wouldn't understand and she didn't want to explain. She needed him to leave so she could wallow and sob properly. "Please leave." Her voice was strained, thick with desperation, barely recognizable.
Nick kneeled in front of her, plainly concerned. "What? Summer, what's wrong?"
"Leave! Leave me alone!" She lashed out, hitting him awkwardly on his neck. Nick fell backwards, landing on his ass.
"What the hell, Summer!?"
Summer composed herself as best she could. She was still silently crying, she didn't think she'd stop doing that for a long time, but she willed herself to stand up and speak steadily. "Last night was the biggest mistake of my life and we are through. For good this time."
"What the hell do you mean by that?"
"I mean, exactly what I said. Leave! Get the fuck out of my house!" She was letting a little anger bleed into her voice. It was a good thing, it helped to distract her from the loathing she felt for herself. She didn't really mean to get angry at Nick, but he was right there in front of her, reminding her of what she'd done and how she'd probably destroyed Seth.
Nick stood up, shaking his head in disgust. "You know what? He was right about you. I thought maybe – I don't know what I thought." He ran a hand through his hair, and glared at Summer. "But he was right."
What the hell was he talking about? Summer narrowed her eyes, bringing a hand up to her face to brush her cheeks clear of water. "Just go, Nick." Looking down, she choked out, "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I can really see the regret." Nick stared at her for a few more seconds before spinning on his heel and stomping out of the bathroom.
As soon as he was gone, Summer collapsed back to the floor. She brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, and began sobbing.
Summer didn't bother getting cleaned up. She didn't put on any makeup. She didn't shower or wear anything nice. She was wearing only an old sweat suit and a pair of simple flip-flops. She was not above using any and all advantages she possibly had. She figured if Seth saw how miserable she was, how much she had been crying, how terrible she was taking things, he might, just might, believe that she really was sorry over everything. At this point, emotional manipulation might be the only thing she had working for her.
She really had no idea what she was going to say. She knew an apology would be entirely inadequate. She knew no explanation would be good enough. She had betrayed his trust – again. She had lied to him – again. She had pleaded with him to see that she had changed, but she had only succeeded in showing that she was still the same girl who hurt him – again. She concluded that her best bet was probably to throw herself on the mercy of the court, so to speak. Maybe if she was pathetic enough, he'd at least be willing to speak to her. She was fairly certain there was no chance of them ever being more than friends now. And even that would be a near impossible feat. But if that was all he gave her, she'd be grateful just for that. It was clear to her now that she needed Seth in her life, no matter what form. It was the only explanation for why she was taking things so hard.
She knocked on the front door and didn't have to wait long. Marissa opened it, thank God. She had been afraid it'd be Ryan, or even worse, Anna. She could only imagine the kind of scene that would have erupted if Anna had answered the door. There probably would have been severed limbs lining the doorstep. She could not believe how stupid she'd been. Anna? Seriously? She had lost her mind over Anna Stern? What a fucking moron she was.
"Summer!" Marissa's eyes widened and she hastily stepped outside, joining Summer on front porch, holding the door open only a fraction of an inch. She was whispering harshly. "I really don't think it's a good idea for you to be here now."
"I need to talk to him, Coop."
Marissa sighed and looked back inside worriedly. "I'm not sure he wants to see you."
"Look, I just have to know if he hates me or not."
"You really have to ask that question?"
Summer glared at her friend. She was not in the mood for more of Marissa's bullshit. She was well aware of how badly she'd screwed up; she didn't need Marissa giving her a ration of shit over it. This was between her and Seth, and she was tired of Marissa's mother hen routine. "This is between me and Cohen, Coop. All I need is five minutes."
Marissa sighed again, this time making it sound like she was letting all responsibility she might possibly have drift away on the wind. "Fine, but try to keep things as civil as possible. Mikayla is with him right now. She's been trying to cheer him up."
Summer nodded her head and began to push her way past Marissa. Marissa grabbed her arm, stopping her motion. "I know you're sorry, but just try to see it from his point of view. He's by the pool." Summer nodded brusquely and walked inside.
She didn't bother to acknowledge the truly murderous glare that Anna was giving her as she passed the blonde in the kitchen. At least Anna let her go by without confrontation. Summer was thankful for every small mercy she got at this point. Pushing open the glass door, she came to an abrupt halt at the scene in front of her.
Mikayla was on a lawn chair, talking animatedly to Seth, who was sitting across from the excited girl, a small smile on his face. He nodded every once in a while, said a word or two, and Mikayla continued on at a rapid pace. Seth was holding one of those tubular foam floating apparatuses that Mikayla liked to swim with, occasionally dipping it in the pool to get the end wet and send a sprinkling of water at Mikayla. The little girl giggled and swatted at the thing, but Seth always managed to move it just out of reach.
Summer smiled, it was impossible not to. It was one of the cutest things she'd seen in a long time and she abruptly started crying again. An intense longing for her own version of the scene in front of her washed over her and she just continued to cry. It was gone. She had ruined whatever chance she might have had to watch Seth play with their own daughter like that. It was at that moment where the enormity of everything hit her and she had to sit on something solid. She became a heap on the patio.
This was of course when Mikayla noticed her. "Summer!" The little girl jumped off her chair, a huge grin on her face as she raced over to her godmother. "Mommy didn't tell me you were coming!" Mikayla either didn't notice her despondent state or didn't care. She grabbed Summer's hand and tried to pull her to her feet. "You have to meet Uncle Seth! He's so funny."
Summer tried to smile through her tears, and she climbed to her feet. "I've already met him, honey."
Mikayla stopped pulling. "Everybody always says that! How come people always know who you are?" This question was addressed to Seth, who was staring fixedly at Summer. Summer couldn't look at him, especially while she was still crying.
"I'm a popular guy, Kayla."
The fact that things had suddenly gotten a whole lot more awkward finally seemed to be dawning on Mikayla and she looked back and forth between Seth and Summer several times. "Did you know Summer like you know daddy?"
Seth just nodded his head and motioned with his hand for Mikayla to come to him. He placed both his hands on her shoulders gently and looked steadily at her. "Hey, kiddo, I need to speak to Summer about something really important, okay?" Mikayla hesitantly nodded her head and Seth smiled. "How about you go inside and find out all you can about Anna. You remember her?" Mikayla again nodded her head. "Good. When I'm done talking to Summer, I'll come in and we can watch a movie together. Sound good?"
Mikayla smiled and bounced on her feet. "Yeah! But I get to pick!" Seth smiled and Mikayla promptly turned around and ran past Summer to the door. Seth watched her through the glass go straight up to Anna and begin talking.
Summer was amazed. Seth was so good with Mikayla it was astonishing. He had acclimated so quickly to dealing with a child, much faster than she had. But then she'd always known he would make a great parent. Certainly a better one than she ever would. It was just more proof that she really didn't deserve him.
Both stared at each other for a very long time. Now that she was standing in front of him, Summer couldn't speak. His face was so unreadable. His eyes, usually a hotbed of emotion, and always a good indicator for what he was feeling, were completely steady and almost lifeless. He had composed himself a lot better than she had expected and it unnerved her. She had thought there would be anger, hatred, disappointment, anything at all, but there was nothing. How was she supposed to know what the right path was if he was giving her literally nothing to go on? Did he not care?
Finally, the silence was broken. "Please sit down."
His voice was flat. Summer walked dejectedly over to the lawn chair Mikayla had occupied, and sat down. She still wouldn't look directly at him.
"I am going to speak, and I ask that you please just listen." Seth paused and for the briefest of seconds, Summer thought she heard some emotion in his voice. But whatever was there quickly disappeared. "I need to say this and if you interrupt, I don't think I'll be able to do it."
"I – I understand, Cohen." At this point, she would do anything he asked her. Literally anything.
Seth swallowed and closed his eyes. "First, I feel as if I owe you an apology."
She tried to bite her tongue, but she had to say something about his ridiculous statement. "Cohen, no, that's absurd. You don't owe me anything. I'm the one who should be apologizing."
Seth's eyes flew open and they burned with an intensity that made her flinch. "I asked you not to interrupt, I believe you owe me that much."
Summer sucked in a breath and nodded her head haltingly.
"Thank you." Seth shut his eyes again. It was like he couldn't look at her. "I feel like I should apologize to you because of this morning." He stopped and opened his eyes. His eyes were unflinching. "When I left your house this morning, I was so angry at you. I said some things I probably shouldn't have said to Ryan and Anna. I really am sorry for that, and I hope that if they ever mention to you what I said, you'll understand my state of mind before you get angry." Seth paused, swallowed, and just stared. "I don't think I've ever felt that hurt or pissed off before, and that includes the first time you did this to me. But I realized, later on today, that all that anger and sense of betrayal was completely unfounded." He sounded so formal and stilted. This was nothing like the man she used to know.
Summer was lost completely lost. He was apologizing to her for getting angry? She figured anything he might have said about her was wholly deserved. What the hell was he even getting at? This made no sense.
"Yeah, you lied to me, but so what? You didn't owe me anything." Seth sat up a little straighter in his chair, bringing his legs up to rest in front of him. He placed his folded hands across the top of his knees. "You are not my girlfriend. I have no claim over you, no right to expect you not to go off and fuck your boyfriend if you want. What you do in your personal life is none of my business."
Summer couldn't stop a visible wince from overcoming her body at the bitter and harsh words he had just said.
"It was stupid of me to even say the stuff I said to you yesterday, about expecting you to end things with Nick just because it made me uncomfortable. You want to be with him, then that is fine with me. Be with him. You've made it very clear to me that you have little to no respect for me as a person or as a potential boyfriend. I realize now that what you want is much different than what I want. That is fine. We are different people, and again, you don't owe me a fucking thing." The whole time Seth spoke, he didn't raise his voice, hardly changed his tone, barely even moved at all. It was scarier than any angry shout or more cutting than any pointed insult. He was the picture of detached calm.
Summer stopped crying. This was going from bad to worse, but crying was not helping things. She wasn't a crier anyway, she was a doer. She hated being the weak little girl, a slave to her emotions. That was more Marissa's thing. She was strong and she was tough, and if Seth wanted to tear her a new asshole, well he was welcome to it. But she wasn't going to break. Not in front of him. If she did that, he'd never get what he needed to say out, because she knew him. He'd stop, he'd apologize for making her cry, and he'd try to help her stop. For once, Summer decided to put Seth ahead of herself.
"I loved you. Did you ever know that?" He paused, as if waiting for a response, but Summer was too afraid to interrupt him again. "Not now, of course, but back then." He shut his eyes and began a rhythmic tapping on his right knee. He was moving to a beat only he heard. "I was a very pathetic kid. Every birthday wish, every shooting star, on every clichéd piece of superstitious bullshit, I would hope that someday, somehow, somebody would just love me. Hell, not even that. Somebody just wanting to willingly be my friend would have been enough. I would wish that I wouldn't be so alone anymore because there was somebody out there in the world who actually felt something real for me, somebody who understood me, who accepted me, and who wanted to be with me because that was what they really, truly, wanted. I always hoped that person would be you."
Oh God, what had she done? The loneliness and emptiness in his voice broke her heart. She really had broken him now.
"When I was with Kat, I thought finally, I had found that person. I mean, it certainly wasn't you. I think that's why I never noticed the signs. They seem so obvious now. But back then? I was willfully blind. I didn't want to see them because I thought she genuinely felt for me what I felt, that she really did love me, and that she really did fulfill that dream I had held for so long. I was so desperate to believe that. I was blind, but only because I wanted to be. I think that's why her cheating on me messed me up so badly. She only reconfirmed what I already knew deep down." He opened his eyes now and stared off at the ocean and setting sun to his side. "That's the thing about dreams, they're just your imagination trying to make you see things that aren't there and never will be." He turned back to look at her. "Dreams aren't real. I feel I should thank you for reminding me of that once again."
Silence. Summer bit her lip. She relished the pain; it was only a tiny fraction of what she deserved or what she already felt. He was thanking her for destroying his faith in relationships, in destroying the idea that anyone could ever love him. That was probably the worst thing anybody had ever said to her.
"As much as I thought maybe you were different, that maybe you had changed, and that there was still a sliver of hope out there that you'd prove me wrong and be the girl I always hoped you'd be, I understand that you have your life to live and I have mine. We are just on different paths. And I'm sorry for ever making you feel like you had an obligation to me or that you should act a certain way because that's what I wanted. That was unfair of me."
This had gone on long enough, she couldn't stay quiet any further. "Can I say something?" She was quiet, hesitant, but she was determined to say her own peace. Seth nodded his head in assent, his eyes steady. "I'm sorry. The last thing I ever wanted was for you to get hurt like this."
Seth smiled. He actually smiled. Summer was shocked. "I know. I just think that you and I, we're just not meant to be. I think after this morning, I am finally starting to accept that."
"No, Seth, that's not what I meant. I mean that I – "
She never got a chance to continue. Seth interrupted her. "To be honest, Summer, I am just not interested in hearing your excuses. I know that's kind of unfair of me, after I've just droned on to you about my feelings and thoughts, but at the moment, I just don't care."
"Okay." What the hell was she supposed to say to that? She wanted to insist that he listen, demand that he give her a chance to at least explain, but after everything he had said, she just didn't feel it anymore. She had thoroughly ruined him and any chance of there being something between them. She lost her will to fight.
"I talked to Ryan and Marissa a few hours ago, and we all agreed that the best thing is for me to find my own place. I am moving out tomorrow. I'm going to stay in a hotel until I can find an apartment. They're going to help me until I can get a job."
"Wait, what? You can't do that, Cohen, this is your home."
Seth shrugged and looked over his shoulder to the house. "Nah, it stopped being my home a long time ago." He turned back to face her. "It's the best thing for everybody. I shouldn't be around them while I am so screwed up and trying to figure out my life. It's not a good thing for Mikayla to see. And really, at this point in time, it will definitely cut down on any encounters we might have."
"Y-you don't want to see me?"
"I think, for right now, it would be best if we avoided each other as much as possible." Seth stopped and reached over for Summer's hand. It was a totally unexpected move and it took Summer several seconds to respond. She gingerly placed her hand in his and felt a rush of emotion. Was this a good sign? "I need to get over you, Summer. I do. I can't keep doing this to myself. Maybe what happened really was a huge mistake, maybe you'll never do it again, and maybe you really have changed. But I just can't depend on maybes anymore. I have to move on and I can't do that while I'm around you."
"But Seth – "
Seth squeezed her hand and he smiled again at her. His eyes were soft, and his body language relaxed and became more open and welcoming. "Hopefully, a little ways down the road, we'll be able to be friends. I just need some time before that happens."
She couldn't speak. So that was it. It was all over. He didn't even want to be in the same house as her, didn't even want to see her. She was forcing him to leave his home. She pretty much wanted to die. She had never felt more terrible, never hated herself more than at this moment.
"I've gotta go watch a movie now. I still haven't told Mikayla I'm not going to live here anymore. I don't think she's going to take it well. I think she's gotten a little attached." Seth squeezed her hand one last time and smiled self-deprecatingly. He stood up and walked to the door, turning his head over his shoulder to look at her once more, before he stepped inside.
He was gone and she was still sitting there, looking out at the ocean, crying.
Preview: Chapter 11 - Entirely Seth/Ryan, with maybe a dash of Playstation? Chapter 12 - Seth/Ryan and Seth/Sandy/Kirsten. Chapter 13 - Finally, the surprise guest appears and everything is thrown into a tizzy.