Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter or … anything really. Not profiting from this. Don't sue me.

A/N: Hey! I'm back! With a chapter! Yay! And to sushified my lone reviewer, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Because I enjoyed writing it. Now! On with the story!

Chapter 2: Ron's Idiocy and MORE!

The next day:
Harry and Hermione woke with splitting headaches.
Ron hadn't slept at all, and had seen Dobby beating Harry senseless, and had laughed about it. But only a little, because he was watching for creepy crawly eight-legged lil' bastards.

Seamus Finnigan woke up, stretched, yawned, and said, "This chapter's getting boring. Let's get to Ron's idiocy!"

Ah, wise Seamus, of course. Why is Seamus the only one who's aware of what's happening?

"Nuh uh!" Draco crawled into the room. "I know too! Do I get a cookie?" He looked so hopeful…

No. You get MORE! Sooo much mooore!

"When will I be getting this 'MORE'?"

Soon, soon, it'll be amazing. Much better than any cookie.

"Cool." Draco stood, straightened his robes, smoothed his hair, flashed a perfect smile, and walked out.

Ron looked put out. "I was hoping he'd jump out the window." He paled considerably. "EEEP! The window! The one with the blind eight-legged beasty!"

Somewhere deep in the Forbidden Forest, Aragog was rolling on the ground laughing. And squishing his children.

Two hours later:

Everyone had showered (are there showers in Hogwarts? Yes, I say. Yes.), and the Gryffindors and Slytherins of the 7th year were headed to Potions! Really, this should be Advanced Potions, and far fewer Gryffindors & Slytherins would be heading that way, but that doesn't matter. As I was saying, they were heading to Potions, and no one noticed that a certain gangly, freckly, red haired loser boy was not among them.

The freckly, gangly boy was up in his dormitory, holding a razor blade against his left wrist. He was crying. (Next two sentences are to be read with drippy sarcasm) He cried because he's a little sissy boy who can't even cut his own wrists. What a LOSER, not joining the masses of self-mutilators in the world! I mean, come on!

Peeves flew in and laughed at the pathetic boy before him. "HEE HEE! You pansy ass loser! If you really want to die, just ask. Anyone would be glad to help out." And then, the inhuman nonhuman flew away again.

Ron cried again and shook his fist vigorously in Peeves' general direction.

"BASTARD POLTERGEIST!"

Suddenly, he had a BRILLIANT idea! He'd fake it!

"Yay!" He grabbed his ink, poked his wand at it, and said some silly thing to make it turn red. Then he dipped his quill inside and drew red lines on his wrists. They didn't dry quickly. Stupid slow drying ink. He waited. When they were dry he admired his handy work.
They kind of looked like bloody cuts, if you squinted and turned your head and barked like a dog.

"This'll fool everyone!" He then ran to his Potions class because he was LATE! Very late indeed! No time to say "hello", goodbye! He's late, he's late, he's –

"Sorry I'm late Professor!" Ron was breathing heavily and sweaty. Eew!

"Fifty points from Gryffindor because you're late, breathing heavily, sweating, ugly, poor, a Gryffindor, I hate you, and I'm just feeling like an asshole today."

'Then what does he feel like every other day?' Thought the whole class.

Ron walked to his seat and sat next to Hermione. Harry was on the other side of Hermione and kept giving Ron confused looks.

'Shit. He doesn't remember my name! AGAIN!"

Hermione's S.I.D. was acting up again. She looked at Ron's exposed wrists.

"Ron." Hermione was looking at him like he was doing something stupid (which he was). "This is what's been making my S.I.D. go crazy! Stop pretending to be a cutter, accept your role as Harry's bitch, and wash your wrists off."

Ron almost cried.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

And then he did cry. A lot.

Because it hurts when your master plan fails miserably.

Hermione was disgusted. "Ron, you're getting on my already worn down nerves."

"I'm sorry! I just want people to think I'm worth something!"
Snape sensed a perfect opportunity to cause suffering, and so intervened.

"Okay class," he said with a twisted grin, "instead of doing any actual potions work, we'll just tell Mr. Weasley here exactly what we think he's worth."

The class made a big circle around Ron, and went around doing something they'd wanted to do since they first met him.

My gran's hat is worth more than you – Neville.
You aren't worth my comments of disdain – Malfoy.
Your entire family is worth less than the grease in my hair – Snape.
I don't know your name – Harry.

"Potter's doesn't count, he's a complete idiot." Snape giggled. 'Ha ha, James, ha ha. If you could only see your son now!'

And then it was Hermione's turn.

Ron looked hopeful.

Poor thing.

Hermione, who seemed to be having a perpetual case of PMS, sneered.

Draco's heart fluttered. She sneered like a Malfoy.

You are worthless – Hermione.

Ron cried and ran back to his dorm.

Snape called out after him, "Another fifty points from Gryffindor, you sniveling idiot." Then he destroyed everyone else's happiness. "Now, for the real assignment. We – I mean you'll be making a potion that'll do something really neat, but is a bitch to make. So, group up you snot nosed bastards. Ah yes, Potter and Granger. You can work with Malfoy." Normally Snape wouldn't be so cruel to his favorite student, but as the two Gryffindors were missing a third partner, he might as well make them all suffer.

Draco moved to Hermione's side. "Hey Mudblood. You've got a nice sneer." What a twisted compliment.

Hermione was flattered. This was high praise to be sure. "Oh, shut up." She threw a potions ingredient at him.

He laughed.

Harry was confused. "What's going on Hermione?"

Hermione and Draco sneered and then said in unison, "Shut up, you utter waste of life." They looked at each other and laughed.
Really hard.

Harry giggled a little. He really didn't know what was going on.

Snape waved his wand. Which caused a diagram to appear on the wall.

"The potion we – I mean you'll be making today is the Harry Potter Killin' Potion." Snape pointed at the diagram with a happy smile on his face. "See? This is Potter, and then… This is him dead." He sighed a little. So happy was he. He waved his wand, and the diagram was replaced by a list of ingredients and directions. "Now, get to work! This potion won't make itself, you know? And Potter really needs to die. :giggle: I can't wait! I know you're probably all wondering why we can't just 'Avada Kedavra' him into oblivion, but it's because his sexy mother blah blah blah. So you see why this potion needs to be made?"

"Yes, Professor. And we're done now. Can we give it to Potter?"

The class was entirely too excited about killing a fellow student.

"Yes! The moment has come at last!" Snape took a deep breath, relishing his victory. "Granger, would you like to say any parting words to your," he sneered, "friend?"

"Yes, sir." Hermione looked at Harry. "Harry, the only reason I've stuck around with you for so long is because Dumbledore, that omniscient, twinkling bastard, threatened to skin me alive and do dirty things in front of me if I didn't. But now that you're going to be dead soon, I guess I'm free. I'll finally be able to study in peace, and not have to worry about your constant idiocy getting me killed. I hate you. Stupid."

"But Hermione!" Harry was having a moment of … not stupidness! "I can't die yet! I have to kill Voldemort!"

"You MORON! WE ALREADY KILLED HIM! TWO MONTHS AGO!"

"Oh."

Snape chuckled. "Would you like to have a turn, Draco?"

"Of course. Potty, if I were gay, I'd rather be with Ron than you. I do know the way to the Gryffindor Tower. I've had sex more than you've masturbated – "

Harry rolled his eyes. "Suuuuure."

"I have, I've been keeping track. Where was I? Ah, yes. I've always been better looking than you. Cho Chang was a lousy lay, and Ginny wasn't much better. Oh, and Ginny hated it when you called her 'Gin' last year. Honestly man, who shortens a nickname? Oh, and as I've been entranced by her sneer, I expect I'll be bedding Hermione next, so think about that, you virginal pea brain."

"What?"

Draco grinned.

Snape's grin was bigger. It was his turn.

"Potter, I hate you. I've always hated you, as I've hated your father, and I will continue to do so. Even so, you have become a source of great amusement, and I take great pleasure in imagining the spiritual ass-kicking you'll get from your father and Sirius once you're dead, you imbecile. The only good thing about you is that you'll be dead soon. Which isn't even really a good thing, because I'd like to take my time killing you. But Dumbledore says it's best to kill you quickly. Anyhow, if, by some freak accident, you end up in Heaven, do tell your mother I say 'hi.'"

Snape laughed in Harry's face.

Draco smirked.

Hermione gave Harry the potion.

Harry… Almost died.
No! Snape was furious! 'Argh! Lily, you loving (and sexy!) creature! I'm shaking my fist vigorously, even though I love you!'

Ron decided he'd be gay tomorrow, and said so to no one in particular.

Peeves flew out from under Ron's bed, down to the Potions classroom, and announced the redhead's new plan.

And then Harry did die. Because he laughed so hard that he couldn't breathe.

Ron felt Harry's soul leaving his body.

"NO!" Ron cried, "Harry! I've… I've KILLED you! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Shut up Ron.