Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Except for my Mary Sue of course. But you can have her.

A/N: Uh… Well, thank you WaterGoddess9 for reviewing last chapter. And yes, I did keep in that thing that you wanted. Anyhow, this chapter turned out much better than I'd thought it would… Read and review! Or … wait, yeah, review.

Chapter 5: The Attack of the Mary Sue! (Or "The Quick Save!")

Ron was sweating. A lot. This could only mean one thing.

He was in Hell.

He let out a string of such well put together swears it would be enough to make one gasp in admiration. But there was no one to gasp. There was only…

"Well, well, well. We are in trouble."

Ron knew that voice all too well. That was the voice of Argus Filch. "Just my luck, I end up in Hell with you and Mrs. Norris."

Filch's eyes filled with tears. "I don't know where she is… I can't find her!" He sobbed, "Mrs. Norris, where are you?"

He couldn't find her because she was in Heaven. Because she was a good kitty. At that very moment, she was being petted by a happy Lily Potter.

Ron sighed. He needed to find a way to come back to life! He didn't have time for Filch's crying!

Filch was unhappy that Ron was showing such little interest in his sorrow. "Come on, you slug. He's requested your presence."

"Who?"

"Come on!"

They strolled past various evil wizards, like Quirrell, Peter Pettigrew, Saruman the Many Colored… Even Voldemort!

Ron looked around. "All they need now is Snape, then they'll have a full set!"

"That's Professor Snape to you."

"AUGH!" Ron fell over. He was very surprised to find Snape here. "But you! You're not dead! Are you?" Perhaps Snape really was a vampire! And this Snape was his soul, trapped in Hell! How amazing! Ron had finally solved the mystery of –

"Of course I'm not dead, you nincompoop. Didn't I tell you during your very first Potions lesson that I could teach you to stopper death?" Snape held out a little bottle with a stopper in the top. Inside the bottle was a very tiny Grim Reaper, looking very bored indeed as it played cards to pass the time.

Ron's vision was getting distinctly blurrier. His eyes were glazing over again. It happened when he was bored.

Snape didn't notice. "So, Mr. Weasley, someone's finally offed you at last. And it was Miss Lovegood no less! What a low blow, to be killed by someone with radish earrings. Hmm. But what should I do with you?"

"What? You can't do anything with me, can you?"

Snape smirked. "But of course I can," he gestured to the area around him, the Weasley, and the creepily silent Filch, "This is my domain."

"You! You're the devil!"

Oh, cruel fate!

Snape blinked. "Well, no. But that would certainly be impressive. No, actually, this isn't even Hell."

"Really? Could have fooled me." By now Ron was horribly sweaty, and it made him more able to carry on "intelligent" conversations. (He was just good like that.) "What is it then?"

"It's where bad wizards go when they die. Duh."

"But I'm not a bad wizard!"

"No, but I requested you specially."

"You're evil."

"Yes, and you're stupid. Fifty points from Gryffindor!"

"But I'm DEAD! Isn't that enough?"

"Hmm. 10 more points from Gryffindor, and 60 to Ravenclaw. Now, I want you to write me an essay of no less than a thousand words, describing to me who you think you are."

"That sounded really familiar…"

Filch spoke up, "That was from that muggle movie The Breakfast Club, that was. I watch it every month."

Snape's deep, dark secret had been revealed! He watched 80's teen movies!

Dun dun DUN!

(Argus Filch almost died. Again. Such revelations were not good for his weak heart.)

Snape sneered. "Fine! Write me an essay of no less than a TRILLION words on how you are a worthless creature. NOW!" He pointed his wand toward a desk with a pile of parchment beside it, ink and a quill on top of it, and an uncomfortable chair before it.

Ron trudged over to the desk and sat down.

'Hell,' he thought, 'couldn't be much worse.'

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts:

Hagrid had carted Ron's body off to the potions storeroom. Snape wanted to pickle some of the boy's organs or something else as gruesome. Hagrid was just walking back to his hut, minding his own business, when the ground opened before him and out jumped Professor Snape, muttering about "stupid evil wizards" and "should just kill them again…"

Hagrid looked into the gorge Snape had crawled (completely disregard the "jumped" in the last sentence) out of. He saw several evil wizards shaking their fists at him, and cursing, and making spooky faces before the ground closed again.

"Snape, are you the devil? No wonder people are so afraid of going to hell."

Snape stiffened and brushed some sulfur from his robes. "I'm not the devil. Now, Hagrid, kindly forget what you just saw." With that, he skipped away to his room.

Hagrid stood there staring after him.

Because we all know that Hagrid is secretly in love with Snape.

Later that night:

Hagrid was still standing in that spot, thinking about his forbidden love.

Snape was cuddling in bed with a teddy bear named "Id E. Ot." It was a gift from Dumbledore. Snape liked Id E. Ot, but couldn't understand why Dumbledore had given him a teddy bear.

As fascinating as this is though, our next plot point occurs in the Gryffindor common room.
So, without further ado…

Harry and Hermione were trying to fill the gap that Ron had left with another Gryffindor. I mean, they couldn't very well be the "Golden Trio" (when had they ever been called that though? Really, when?) with only the two of them! That'd make them the "Golden Duo," and that just wasn't right. They'd been interviewing their fellow seventh years for hours now, and had just finished with Neville, when Seamus decided to make a suggestion.

"You know," said Seamus, sexily, "now would be the perfect time for a Mary Sue, wouldn't you say?"

Seamus! You're a genius! Good Seamus, good.

SUDDENLY, the fabric of the universe stretched, ripped, and mended itself. Icky, disease-carrying pigeons dropped from the sky all over the world, and became happy, magical, disease-carrying swans! Flowers bloomed, angels sang, and the most exquisite, amazing, drop dead gorgeous girl to ever grace the planet stood in the middle of the Gryffindor common room.

Her hair was darker than the darkest black, her eyes were a mesmerizing blue, her skin was the palest white (in a sexy way of course), and her body just screamed "I want to fuck all of you (like animals)". She was everything anyone could ever want: beautiful, intelligent, charming, creative, beautiful, talented, kind, honest, beautiful, brave, witty, and from a far and distant land called… AMERICA! And on top of all that she was bisexual! So, she was fun for the boys and girls! Yay!

(Remember kids, when you write to Santa, make sure to tell him you want a MARY SUE.)

How did the Gryffindors know all this when she hadn't even said a single thing? They just knew.

They. Just. Knew.

She stepped forward and introduced herself.

"Hello, my name is Mary Sue. I just transferred here from America, looking for my long lost brother/sister/cousin/aunt/uncle/father/mother/love-interest, and I decided to be in Gryffindor. I'm very pleased to meet you all, and am sure we'll be life-long friends!"

She turned to Harry. "You must be Harry Potter! I've read/heard all about you/ loved you from afar! I know all about you!"

"And you must be Hermione Granger! I've read/heard all about you/loved you from afar as well!" She gave Hermione a heart-stopping smile.

Hermione was unimpressed. And, because she's a bitter, heartless young woman, she "Avada Kedavra'd" Marry Sue's sexy ass.

Mary Sue dropped dead, and disappeared in a puff of pink smoke.

"That sucks." Seamus was clearly disappointed.

Harry and Hermione finally settled on Ginny, because they didn't like their fellow seventh years. Then Hermione ran off to meet Draco.

The next morning:

Hermione opened her eyes. "Why am I in the library?" She suddenly realized that she was not only very naked, but also not alone.

The memories came flooding back.

"Well, that was enjoyable, but I'll be late for my Defense Against the Dark Arts class if I don't leave soon." As she dressed she wondered when she'd started talking to herself. "Hmm. Oh well." She quickly wrote a note to Draco and ran to her class.

The note said:

"Draco, I had a lovely time, but I'm running late for class. I'll see you around, and we can trade insults.

With all my sneers,

Hermione Jane Granger"

When Draco woke, he read the note and sighed a very girl sigh.

Hermione'd reached her classroom just as her class was shuffling in.

Seamus whispered, "We don't have a teacher."

What?

"You haven't written who's going to teach us!"

Oh! You're quite right. How could I forget?

Well… Since I can't think of anyone at the moment…

"How about – "

Ron's wrist was aching. Really bad. He looked up from his essay (a pitiful three sentences) and saw a door with the word "EXIT" on it in brass letters.

He looked around quickly. Snape wasn't anywhere in sight. He casually put down his quill, got up, stretched, and RAN for the door. He pulled it open, and ran into the potions storeroom. He looked behind him, but the door had vanished! He pulled on the door on the opposite wall, and walked into the potions room.

Upon his entrance, the class of first year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws groaned loudly.

Snape glared at him, "How dare you!"

"It's not my fault you've got an exit in that place!" And Ron ran away, to look for Harry and Hermione.

This had taken the same amount of time as a regular lesson, thus the Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson was over.

Seamus snorted. "Nice save."

Thank you. I do try.