Disclaimer: Don't own anything. At all. None of it.

A/N: I'm sorry I haven't been able to update. My computer's broken, and I can't log in on my other one, so ... I'm having WaterGoddess9 upload for me, because she's great! Now to respond to reviews:

Dance to the RANDOMNESS: Mary Sues Blegh. I enjoyed killing mine.

HealerAriel: Giggle fits are best when accompanied by very fizzy soda. (Not really. It makes bubbles go up your nose.)

WaterGoddess9: I'll call you later. You rock.

Remus'Fiance: Ah thank you. Thank you. I enjoy people's reviews…makes me giggle on the inside. No one knows that though. Shit…

Chapter 6: The Slytherin Sex God!

Severus Snape was angry. No wonder, when you considered how exceptionally shitty his week had been. He had finally gotten rid of Potter and Weasley, and then the two little bastards both came back to life! Snape was no expert (well… yes, actually, he was), but he seriously doubted if two people had ever been brought back to life after they'd been so thoroughly disposed of. Although… They hadn't really been disposed of. Whatever!

Snape glared at his door. But it wasn't the reappearance of the two boys that made his week so horrible. It was Dumbledore's chuckling over his … relationships (or lack thereof) with women. Sure, he was not a "PIMP", "Manslut", or a "Playa" by any standards, but he'd had his share of… drunken … one-night stands. And he was currently involved in a steamy, illegal relationship with (insert name of underage muggle-born witch here).

But that wasn't enough! Severus Snape had to prove to the world that he was not the celibate loser they thought he was.
However, to do that he'd need some help.
Which was why he was sitting in his room at four in the afternoon, waiting.

"Sorry I'm late, Professor." His savior had arrived! YES! "I met Blaise in the hall and he insisted I try some of his new 'Hot Pink Kissy Lips Lipgloss' (it makes the boys go wild you know). So, why did you want to see me, sir?"

"Well, Miss Parkinson, I'm in need of your help."

Pansy sighed. She knew what kind of "help" he needed. She "helped" men like Severus a lot. "All right, sir, but can we make this quick? I've promised to … er … 'help' someone else in an hour." She began removing her clothes.

"Miss Parkinson! Stop!"

Pansy slipped her shirt, sweater, and robes back on. She undressed very quickly you know. "Well, sir, what kind of help do you need from me?" She was very curious. And relieved. Mostly relieved, but the curiosity was growing.

"It has come to my attention that you, Miss Parkinson, are…"

"Yes?"

"Don't interrupt me. You are Hogwarts's reigning queen of the bitches, 'ho's (because 'hoes' are gardening tools), sluts, ho-bags, and slut-monkeys, with only Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown providing you any real competition."

"How do you know all this?" Only a select few knew of her superiority as a ho-bag and slut-monkey.

"I have my ways. Anyhow, I need your help to make myself an irresistible manslut."

Was such a thing even possible? Severus Snape? Irresistable? Dumbledore would have chuckled, but he wasn't really feeling omniscient right now since Ron had returned, so he didn't know what Snape had requested, and therefore, could not chuckle at it.

"I think I can work something out for you. You are already somewhat mysterious, in a creepy way… Maybe we can make you into… Hmmm. Yes, I've got it! Alright, I'll help you, but what's in it for me?"

"Name your price."

"Er…" she hadn't thought that far ahead. "How about some new fishnets? My best pair got ripped horribly by Dean, he's a little overenthusiastic sometimes."

"10 points from Slytherin for sleeping around with Gryffindors. And you'll get your… fishnets."

"Okay, this is going to take a while. I hope Flitwick isn't too upset about me missing our… Well, never mind, let's get started."

They started at four in the afternoon, and were in his room until six the next morning. (It would have taken longer, but for the sake of the fic, it'll take only… er… not that long…)

Hermione woke up at 6:30, feeling like something was wrong. Really wrong. 'Oh,' she thought, completely forgetting her annoying habit of talking to herself, 'I'd forgotten Ron's alive again.'

She dressed, resigned to the fact that she was doomed to be a part of the friendship triangle forever. It was actually more like a "let's kill the other members!" triangle though…

She realized Seamus was in the room again, and chucked something at him. Luckily the something was a sock, and had about as much a chance of hurting someone as S.P.E.W. had of really taking off. But even luckier, her aim sucked and the sock landed on Parvati's head.
Seamus giggled.

Hermione sighed and went down to the Great Hall for breakfast, where she found Ron and Harry speaking rapidly, discussing the differences between Heaven and Snape Hell. From what she gathered from the freakishly fast conversation was that Heaven was very floaty and Snape Hell was really hot and had a really obvious exit.

Dumbledore stood to make an announcement:

"As many of you have noticed, and justly complained about, Ronald Weasley has returned to us, alive and well. Should anyone else kill him, be sure to dispose of the body, that's very important, and I will make sure that Professor Snape keeps his hands off his soul. And as for Professor Snape, who is noticeably absent, let us all glare angrily at him when he arrives. I believe five minutes of glaring will suffice, but do go ahead and glare more if you've a class with him or pass him in a hallway. Thank you, that is all." He sat down.
Dumbledore was very disappointed in Snape. Very disappointed indeed.

When the doors to the Great Hall opened, everyone fixed angry glares in that direction. But it was only Pansy Parkinson, so everyone continued eating. Pansy sat down at the Slytherin table, looking smug, and very tired.

A few moments later, when most people were finishing up their food, the doors opened again. Angry glares fixed upon the entering person, but were soon turned to shocked stares.

For the person who entered was Severus Snape.
Severus Snape, new and improved.
Severus Snape… The Slytherin Sex God.

People stared, girls (and guys) squealed, Seamus Finnigan was very thankful that Snape wasn't Irish, or else he'd lose his title, and deep underground, far below Hogwarts, Argus Filch collapsed in Snape Hell. Dead, again.

And as we all know from Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, and Dragon Ball Whatever, if you die again while you're still dead… well, there's no wishing you back to life with the Dragon Balls, that's for sure.
So, Argus Filch was gone forever. He'll probably not be mentioned again.

Snape strode swiftly (alliteration!) to the staff table, his robes billowing sexily behind him.

Albus Dumbledore regained his wits and jumped up. "Severus! Minerva! Filius! Pomona! Hey that rhymed!"

Only Snape and McGonagall got up. I mean, really, Filius and Pomona? WHO?

Dumbledore was getting impatient. "Flitwick, Sprout, you idiots, get up!"

Oh. Right, they got up, feeling stupid that they'd forgotten their first names.

"Now, follow me to that room behind the staff table that was only used during Harry Potter's fourth year! Come on!"

They all followed him, but no one's robes billowed as sexily as Snape's.

The room, if you recall from the fourth book, had had paintings hanging all over the walls. But not anymore! Now, there was only a large Hogwarts crest on the wall above the fireplace.

Dumbledore was jumping up and down with excitement. "The Slytherin house prophecy! It's been fulfilled!" Dumbledore was twinkling so hard, the others had to shield their eyes.

"What prophecy?" (It doesn't matter who asked, they all would have asked the same thing.)

"Slytherin's sexy prophecy! Slytherin and Hufflepuff were the only ones who made sexy prophecies. Hufflepuff's was something about orgies in the common room or something else, but that's not important because no one likes Hufflepuff."

Professor Sprout couldn't really argue with him. It was true. She didn't even like Hufflepuff. And she was their Head of House!

"Anyhow, the Slytherin Prophecy goes like this:

'There will come from the depths of Hogwarts a Slytherin Sex God. He will emerge from his greasy haired, sallow skinned cocoon, with the help of the queen of ho-bags and slut-monkeys, and he will emerge to win hearts, woo women, and impregnate many a teenage witch. And his robes will billow like nobody's business.'

Incredible, no? And it's all coming true!"

"Well, how can you be sure?" (Again, not important who asked.)

"Well, …" Dumbledore got that twinkle in his eyes. Not the regular twinkle. The STORY TIME TWINKLE. The others settled down for a long boring talk. "When I first heard about the prophecy, in my third year, I immediately set out to discover the identity of the Sex God. I had hoped that it would have been me, I was a very Slytheriny Slytherin, you know. What's more Slytheriny than fooling everyone into believing you're a kind and loyal Gryffindor? But, alas, I was never greasy haired nor sallow skinned. It had to be someone else… So, when young Severus arrived at Hogwarts for schooling, I thought it might be him, but… alas, he stayed a greasy loser. I believed all hope would be lost, and that Draco Malfoy would take on the title of Slytherin Sex God, as many of our students seem to have a habit of calling him that… But then, this happened! Severus, congratulations! And now, if you'd step in front of the crest and announce yourself, I think it will prove beyond any doubt that you are indeed, the One." (Matrix-y? No! Don't be silly.)

Snape stepped forward and said in a sexy voice, "I, Professor Severus Snape, am the Slytherin Sex God!"

The snake on the crest spat a badge at the sexy man and said, "It's about time."

Snape picked the badge up off the floor, and pinned it to his robes. He turned around to show off the shiny "S.S.G." (for all you Giners 'R Us kids) on his chest.

"Hey," said Sprout, "Why don't I get a badge?"

Dumbledore looked at her incredulously. "Because no one likes your house! And aren't giant orgies enough for you?!"

Snape smirked and said, sexily, "And besides, you're not Slytherins. Badges are very Slytheriny. Ask around, Slytherins are always making badges."

"He's right," said Dumbledore, who pointed at a badge on his chest that had just appeared. "See? I made this myself." The badge said, "Wanna hitch a ride on my broomstick?"
Dumbledore grinned, and McGonagall blushed.

"Oh! My compliments to Miss Parkinson. She did an excellent job slutting you up." And Dumbledore, who'd been twinkling rather a lot, toned down his twinkle.

Snape smiled, and ran a hand through his silky black hair.

The other occupants of the room swooned.

He swept from the room, and down to the dungeons.

His robes billowing like nobody's business.

That afternoon in the library:

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were doing a Potions essay, which may or may not have been an actual assignment, when Draco came around.

Harry and Ron (who'll do something stupid next chapter) said something along the lines of, "Oh look, it's the ferret." Because they can't come up with good insults.

Hermione sneered.

Draco swooned, but got up a second later and said, "Hey mudblood." (He couldn't come up with good insults either.)

And then, things got kind of weird.

The lighting in the library changed. It got all funky and soap opera-ish.

Hermione stood up dramatically and said, "Draco, I – I can't see you anymore!"

"Nooo!" Draco wailed, "You've gone blind!"

"No, it's not that. I – I'm in love with – "

"The Weasel? I'll kill him!" Draco exclaimed dramatically, pointing his wand at Ron.

'NO!" Hermione smacked Draco dramatically.

Ron smacked Draco just for the hell of it.

And Harry smacked Draco's ass. Because it's hot, yo.

"No! Draco, don't kill him!"

"Why? Because he's your… LOVER!" He was crying big dramatic tears, and yelling dramatically.

"NO! If you kill him, he'll only come back to life! And he's not my lover because… I'm in love with – With Severus Snape, and I have been for years! But I only just realized it because he suddenly became drop-dead gorgeous!"

(This would have been the perfect moment for Argus Filch to die. But he's gone. So…) Madame Pince fell down dead. They would never have to use their "indoor voices" again!

"What! You're leaving me for him? But – But I love you!"

"I know Draco, I know… But our love can never be! Besides, he has better hair than you now!" She sobbed and turned away dramatically. "I'm sorry!"

"I love you, Hermione," cried the heartbroken Draco.

And then the lighting returned to normal.

Draco was a bit confused. "Well, er… Hmm. Well, it's been fun mudblood. Have fun with Snape, and if you get tired of him, come find me."

Hermione sneered. Draco swooned.

Harry realized he had smacked Draco's ass, and decided he had a few things he needed to think over.

Ron decided that soap operas are pretty cool.

And Snape was in the dungeons, walking around, just for the sake of his billowing robes.