Disclaimer: I don't own anything. BUT! I did paint my nails green and purple once. That's cool, right? No? Whatever, don't sue me.

A/N: Hello! Back again! I was in Vegas and didn't have time to type this up. Anyhow, hope this chapter is amusing. And, you know, reviews. I want, nay, I need them.

To the lovely reviewers:
WaterGoddess9: I love you. Thank you for uploading my last chapter. I'll come over some day, and we can make our T-shirts. With the rest of the gang of course.

Erika: Hey. Mugglenet. Cool. One of my favorite sites. Thumbs up! And thank you.

SpellBound05: Nice to know I can make others laugh besides myself and my boyfriend. He laughs when I eat. That jerk.

Remus'Fiance: Alas, no Gryffindor Sex God. But I mustn't speak of Sex Gods anymore... All shall be revealed in good time. Hahaha.

Dance to the RANDOMNESS: Sorry, you can't have Draco. Hee hee. Nope. Hee hee...

Aussie Trebs: I ... Do not like Spongebob. So, no. But thanks for the review anyway.

HealerAriel: Yes, well, I think Snape deserved the glaring. And well... Harry and Draco... Hee hee.

Oh! One more thing! Next chapter will be chock full of delicious things! Gangsta-ness, sparkly pink string bikinis, crumple-horned snorkacks, ice cream, two really awesome people, one not so awesome person, a meeting, and... other things. So, do read it. I'm looking forward to putting it up here.

Chapter 7: Girl Pants and Messed Up Plans!

Ron's head was hurting. And he wasn't even thinking hard! He came to the (surprisingly correct) conclusion that his head was hurting because he hadn't really done anything stupid for a few days. The he remembered that he was still trying to get people to love him.

And then he had the idea. THE idea.

"I've got it! THE idea!" With that, he jumped up and ran to his room. IN THE MIDDLE OF TRANSFIGURATION! GASP!

The class gasped a collective gasp. For dramatic effect.

But Professor McGonagall didn't even take off any points. She was still miffed about not getting a badge. Or a prophecy.

Ten minutes, and one growth charm, later, Ron's transformation was complete. He was ready to put his plan into effect…

He was going to be …… EMO!

Hermione shuddered. Her S.I.D. was acting up again. She swore under her breath.

Ron ran back into his class and let everyone have a good look at him. His hair was longer and covered one eye, he had a lip ring (fake of course), he was wearing Chucks (standard footwear for all EMO kids) covered in drawings, he had several pins on his robes (they had broken hearts and teardrops and sad stick figures on them. One said, "Cheer up Hufflepuff kid." Why? I don't know.) His pants looked like they didn't fit him. Very strange pants they were.

Very strange because… They were girl pants.

"Those are mine," squealed Lavender Brown, pointing at the pants.

Ron ignored her, tossed his head to move his hair, and took (what he thought was) a very artistic, original, unique, and meaningful picture of himself. Then he sat down with Harry (who was gaping) and Hermione (also gaping).

Hermione, once over the shock of Ron's new image, LAUGHED. "What are you doing in Lavender's pants?"

"Yours wouldn't fit."

"Ron, are you gay?" Harry thought Ron looked very gay indeed. Especially with the long hair and girl pants… And what was with the lip ring? It was so obviously fake…

"No, I've already tried that, remember? No. I'm EMO! It's a muggle trend or something. EMO guys dress like girls I guess… and grow their hair out… I guess to look more like girls. And you know what? Girls like it! Yeah, don't I look HOTT Hermione?" He ignored her gagging noise and continued, "I think I'll use a magic computer and make myself a xanga. I'll post pictures of myself, and girls will want to be my xanga wives, and then I'll make Featured Content everyday and piss off all the good writers! And then I'll make a myspace, and all the girls that fall in love with my sexy emo-ness will add me because of my cool hair! And then I'll have a million friends and a million billion comments! Everyone will love me!" He smiled. So happy he was. So very happy.

Hermione was gaping again. "You are out of your mind!"

"Maybe you're just jealous!"

"Jealous of what, exactly? Your hair? With it covering your face like that, the oils will get all over your skin, clog your pores, and give you zits. Your fake lip ring? Come on. Oh. Maybe, your GIRL pants? I have my own, you idiot!"

Ron sniffled. A big, huge, glistening EMO tear slid down his cheek.

Harry rolled his eyes. "You're really pathetic Ron."

Ron adjusted his hair, and glared at Harry like a cyclops.

"And you can't keep worrying about your hair, or else you won't be able to play Quidditch. You know, the wind."

Ron gasped.

At that moment, Draco popped into the room, glaring upwards into the ceiling.

"You know, authory person, I don't much appreciate you popping me around the castle like this. It's worse than apparating… It's really, very confu- WEASLEY! HAHAHAHAHA! What the hell are you doing with that thing in your lip and your hair in your face?" He collapsed in a fit of giggles, conveniently forgetting that his hair was in his face, and had been for years.

Ron ran away. This was making him very EMO indeed. And Lavender's pants were crushing him in certain places.

Draco finally calmed down enough to say, "Potter, remember when I said that if I were gay I'd rather be with Ron than you? I take it back. He's a complete loser. And much more gay than I ever realized, and I have very sensitive gay-dar…"

Harry blushed.

Draco blushed.

Seamus laughed. He knew what was going to happen between those two. It's what those in the know call "slash." Yay!

And then Draco was whisked away by a disgruntled looking Flitwick, who was also angry about not getting a badge.

Meanwhile:

Ron changed into his own pants, took out his fake lip ring, and curled up in bed with his face buried in Lavender's pants.

It was the closest he'd ever get to … the Real Thing, so he had to soak it up. You understand.

But, up in Dumbledore's office, something else was going on…

Dumbledore paced. And paced. And paced some more.

His carefully laid plans were all going down the tube! What was wrong?!

He went over the plan:

1. Harry would be killed, and he'd come back not stupid.

"Well, that seems to have worked out," muttered Dumbledore, whose twinkle level was at an all-time low.

2. Hermione would be a complete bitch.

"That … kind of worked…" Dumbledore nodded.

3. Draco would lose his mind/fall in love.

This was where things got all screwed up. Draco had fallen in love, but then Hermione had gone and declared her love for Snape! And then the idiot boy had turned back into the stupid head he'd been before! AND THEN HE BECAME GAY!

"Wait!" Like a field in Chino Hills that gets hit by a spark, his twinkle level flared to frightening heights. "SNAPE! He's behind this!"

The next part of his plan was for Ron to die. And stay dead. "But SNAPE had gotten his creepy, pale hands on Ron's soul, and failed to disassemble Ron's body! That's how he came back! SNAPE has ruined everything, and now Draco's gay, Harry's gay, Snape is … SEXY, and Hermione is – well… about to be in an illegal (but sexy) relationship!" Dumbledore's twinkling had finally blinded some of the portraits.

"But wait! The prophecy! Perhaps there's more to this Slytherin Sex God prophecy after all!"

He whipped out a magical computer, because those are so common, and Wizard-Googled the Slytherin Sex God prophecy.

He was shocked to find not only that, but Gryffindor and Ravenclaw prophecies as well! (Maybe this would make Minerva and Filius less angry…)

He read.

There was the Gryffindor prophecy, which said something about a gay boy with messy hair. Dumbledore immediately thought of James Potter because he'd obviously been hot for Sirius, but the wizarding website said that the prophecy was still unfulfilled, and would only be fulfilled by a Gryffindor and Slytherin.

Dumbledore gasped. "Harry and Draco!"

He went on to the Ravenclaw prophecy, which was a bit disappointing.

"A Ravenclaw will spread knowledge to the masses… Well, honestly, that could be fulfilled by any Ravenclaw! Sheesh!"

(He didn't notice the "fulfilling in progress" at the bottom of the prophecy.)

Dumbledore turned off his magical computer, and thought, his twinkle level fluctuating and really irritating the not blind portraits.

10 minutes later in the dungeons:

Snape was about to teach his first class since his transformation. He smirked, and took a few steps, just because he felt like billowing. Duh.

Hermione rushed in, ahead of everyone, essay in her hand, and a determined look on her face.

"Miss Granger," Snape said in a voice as silky as his hair, "So eager for the lesson to begin?"

"Sir, I have to say something."

Draco strolled in, and having heard that last comment, said, "Oh yes, this should be lovely." He got out a camera he'd stolen from that Creevey kid, ready to immortalize Snape's reaction on film.

"Sir, I love you, and have from the first moment I saw you!"

Snape cringed. Flash. And paled. Flash. And gaped. Flash. And blinked. Flash. And looked confused. Flash.

Draco sniggered.

Harry and Ron walked in and sat down, popcorn in their hands. They had missed the big declaration though! Shucks.

Snape grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill, and scribbled a quick note. He opened a drawer in his desk, and pulled out a very unhealthy looking owl, tied the letter to its wing, and sent it off.

A few moments later, in a bathroom stall, an underage muggle-born witch was clutching the letter and sobbing, "Doesn't it mean anything that I loved you even when you were greasy haired and sallow skinned?"

The note said:

"Sorry, but our relationship is over.
Severus Snape, Slytherin Sex God"

Snape strode across the room as more students shuffled in, grabbed Hermione, and gave her a kiss. Actually, he… gave her… The Kiss. The Kiss that makes girls lift up one foot, sigh, giggle, cry, and that convinces them that they are kissing their soulmate.

Ron threw up in his cauldron. So much for his popcorn.

Draco took more pictures, wishing he could do that to someone … someone with messy hair… (Hee hee!)

Harry sent little-glances at Draco, wishing he (Harry) could kiss him (Draco) like that.

The rest of the class sat in stunned silence, except for Seamus, who shook his head disapprovingly at me.

Snape broke away from Hermione, but kept hold of her, otherwise they'd both fall over.

"Class, turn in your essays tomorrow. Talk amongst yourselves or… whatever… yes."

With that, he and Hermione left the classroom with their arms around each other, and Snape's robes still managed to billow beautifully.

Draco and Seamus shot each other knowing glances, because they knew what the author had sent Snapey and Hermy to do.

Oh, yes. Good ol' Severus and Hermione were going to get it on. Yup!

Seamus shook his head. "This is so wrong."

Yes. Yes it is.

But… It feels so RIGHT!