Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing at all. Really and truly.

A/N: Sorry this took so long. My computer use has been severely limited because of SOMEONE hogging it... Woah, that sounded immature. Oh well. Enjoy, review, look forward to the next chapter in which there will be a unicorn of sorts...

Dance to the Randomness: So sorry about taking Draco away, but it had to be done.

sexyredhead: Thank you. I like this story too. I like it bunches.

HealerAriel: Ridiculously amusing, eh? Thanks! Good to know my work is appreciated. Heh heh.

WaterGoddess9: I'm coming over to your house! YAY! Hahahaha. Yeah. You better gimme more reviews.

Moony: We are awesome. And I shan't forget the unicorn. Don't worry. And I know I rock your socks. Thanks for letting me read this to you. It was fun. And took forever. And I like your house.

Rena: : Eeep! Another one with a gigglefit! Haha.

Chapter 8: Imma GANGSTA!

For the sake of the "plot" the next day was a weekend. But not just any weekend! Oh no… A Hogsmeade weekend! Oooh…

Harry and Hermione were waiting for Ron in front of the Three Broomsticks. They were bored. And hungry.

Suddenly! Ron showed up.

Hermione blinked. "Oh dear." Oh dear indeed. They hadn't been prepared for Ron's latest plan…

"Ron, what is this? What – Why? Just… Why?"

"Imma GANGSTA!" (Or "wanksta" if you prefer.) Ron looked around. "Yo, where ma bitches at?"

Hermione's hand twitched, she was so ready to grab her wand and curse the life out of him, when something happened SUDDENLY.

SUDDENLY (!OMG!) two sparkly, pink string bikini clad bodies leapt onto Ron, giving him kisses and generally just putting on a disgusting show.

For a few seconds the only sounds that could be heard were the kissy, smacky noises of the two bikini wearers.

And then…

"FRED! GEORGE! GET OFF ME!"

The twins stopped their dastardly deeds, and laughed as Ron expelled his semi digested breakfast. Then the bikini wearin' boys turned to Harry.

Harry blushed and looked away. Talking to two strapping young men showing off their sexy, luscious, fabulous, delicious bodies was the last thing he needed. It was too much for poor, just-admitted-to-himself-he's-gay Harry. He looked at the sky.

"Hello Harry."

"H-Hullo. What are you two doing here?"

Ron was still throwing up, and Hermione had entered the pub, eager to spread the story around.

"We were over at Zonko's – "

" – Reminiscing about the past – "

" – When we saw this idiot :points at Ron: through the window."

"It was too good an opportunity to pass up."

"So we put on our matching bikinis we bought yesterday – "

" – And jumped on him."

Harry looked at the clouds. "That's nice."

"Yes, well, we're off."

"Nice seeing you Harry."

"Right." Harry resisted the urge to watch them as they walked away.

Ron was horribly green, and looked like he'd been deflated, but had, thankfully, stopped throwing up.

Harry shook his head and walked into the Three Broomsticks.

"I TOLD YOU!" Luna was screaming, standing on the bar. "NONE OF YOU LISTENED!"

The reason for this madness was … A CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACK ATTACK!

Oh, the humanity!

"I TOLD YOU! I WARNED ALL OF YOU, YOU IDIOTS!" As Luna knew how to produce many a Snorkack ward, there were none of the lil' critters attacking her.

Not so for the other occupants.

Harry swiped at one of the lil' monsters crawling up his leg.

Dumbledore threw one at Rosmerta, who screamed and slapped at it, before exclaiming, "THE PROPHECY!"

Hermione was getting her hair pulled by one of the beasts.

Harry decided it was time to leave.

He'd find somewhere else to eat.

After walking a while, he came upon a new building.

"C.C.'s Ice cream? Huh…" He went in, not knowing what to expect. Perhaps they'd have strawberry! He loved strawberry ice cream. It's delicious, you know.

"Hi! How can I help you?" Cho Chang was behind the counter, smiling a big, beautiful, Cho Chang-y smile.

Harry gasped. 'C.C.'s! Cho Chang! SO OBVIOUS!' "Er… I'll have some strawberry in a cone."

She was smiling. He didn't like that smile. It was that smile she used to give him in his fifth year. Hmmm… How odd.

"What size?" She batted her eyelashes.

'What's wrong with her eyes?' "Medium I suppose." Harry just wanted his ice cream. He wanted to get his ice cream, and get out. He didn't like being in this place with this girl and her creepy, fluttery eyes…

"You get a free topping with that."

"What? Really?" Yay! Free stuff! Maybe this place wasn't so bad after all!

"Yeah, come on, I'll show you." She walked over to the topping station.

Harry's happiness at free toppings faded away. 'Was that – Was she – Seductive walk! What is wrong with her?' Then Harry noticed the strawberries. Yum! "I'll have strawberries!"

Cho giggled. (0.o) "Strawberry and strawberry, coming up."

She gave Harry a seductive look.

'What is going on?'

She handed him his ice cream (which he took with an insane gleam in his eye) with a wink, and he paid.

'Wait! She gave me… more ice cream! MORE than I asked for. A LOT more! She – No. That's silly. Of course not.' He looked at the Asian girl.

She was batting her eyelashes, and licking her lips, and … doing other things.

'She was flirting with me! Through this ice cream! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!'

Harry sat down, chuckling, and started eating.

Then an owl landed on his head, hooting angrily. Something about not knowing where he was… blah blah … wasn't even flying …

Harry grabbed the owl with his ice cream free hand, and shook it until the letter attached to its leg fell off. Then the owl disappeared.

(SPOOKY!)

Harry opened the letter one handed!

The letter said:

"Dear Mr. Potter,

You have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry – "

Oops. Wrong letter.

Ah, here it is!

"Harry James Potter,
You have been invited to join the Hogwarts Sex Gods! Yay! We are meeting today at 3 PM, and look forward to having you there. Meetings are held in a shack behind the Three Broomsticks.
All hash pipes must be checked at the door.

Thank you."

Harry licked his ice cream thoughtfully. 'Hmm. Sex Gods? But I'm a virgin… And what's this 'hash pipe' business?'

Harry decided to see what this group was all about, and left the silly Asian girl's ice cream shop.

Cho promptly burst into big, Asian, EMO tears.

The shack was ugly, Harry decided upon reaching it. But he went in anyway. Because, as a Gryffindor, he braves all sorts of horrible things. Even ugly shacks.

"Good to see you Harry! Alright, I, Seamus Finnigan, Irish Sex God, call this meeting of the Hogwarts Sex Gods to order."

Remus Lupin sighed. "Seamus. We don't even do anything in these 'meetings.' Why have them?"

Seamus glared at the offensive werewolf. "I give you and other Sex Gods a place to gather, in a jealousy-free environment, to do as you wish and discuss what you want without fear of oppression because of your sexiness. And this is how you repay me? Shame."

Lupin sighed.

"Anyway," Seamus turned back to Harry, "welcome! You've been accepted as a Hogwarts Sex God!"

The others in this room (who are shrouded in shadowy mystery, because they haven't been formally introduced yet) started chanting, "One of us. One of us…"

Lupin sighed.

"Shh! Stop the chanting! Anyhow, being a new member, you don't know the rest of us… And I don't think they like being shrouded in shadowy mystery, so they'll introduce themselves now…"

One by one, they stepped forward: they, the doom of mankind. ARGH, no. They stepped forward and gave their titles. The dooming comes later. When they gain power over different countries… Ah, whatever, that's not got anything to do with this…

Draco Malfoy - Rich Boy Sex God.
Sirius Black – Sex God From BEYOND! (Because necrophilia's so in these days.)
Dumbledore – Wrinkly Sex God. (Wrong… So wrong…)
Lupin – Wolfy Sex God. ("Why is my title so lame?" cried the werewolf. "WHY?")
Blaise Zabini - Beautiful, Androgynous Sex God.
Oliver Wood - Quidditch Playin' Sex God.
And, of course…

Severus Snape, the Slytherin Sex God.

"Well. That was… Nice meeting you all. Again. But, I don't think I really belong here."

Because "here" was an old, dirty shack filled with some plainly insane people.

"Nonsense! You, Harry," Seamus grinned, "Are the Gay Sex God."

Harry thought. "Oh, well, I guess that makes sense then."

Seamus and I giggled.

"Anyhow," Seamus said after the giggling, "Harry, you go stand by Draco. Closer. Closer. Good."

Hee hee, look, they're blushing!

"I am not! A Malfoy doesn't blush!"

Shh!

"Right then," said Seamus, "back to business. Do we have any? Business that is."

Lupin cleared his throat.

"Is this another resignation then?"

Lupin shifted uncomfortably. "Well, yes. I'm getting married next month, and I'm going to be a father soon. I don't think that's good Hogwarts Sex God material, do you?" He looked very hopeful.

"Well, you know that all resignations must be approved by a vote."

"That's just stupid!"

"Oh well, rules are rules, Wolfy. All for Lupin remaining a Sex God, say 'w00T.'"

All members said "w00T" except Lupin.

"All against say 'poopy head.'"

A lone "poopy head" was heard through the shack.

"Well, Lupin, looks like you're stuck with us. Now sit down."

Lupin sat, silent tears of frustration coursing down his cheeks. Sirius patted his old friend on the shoulder. Poor Lupin. Poor Lupin indeed.

"Okay, any other business? No? Well, does anyone know of a place to get some ice cream… I really want some."

Harry spoke up, "Cho Chang's opened an ice cream shop down the street."

"Has she?" Oliver Wood had a sparkle in his eye. He was craving ice cream too.

"Yes. You get a free topping with your ice cream as well."

"Do you really?" Dumbledore was twinkling brightly. It looked like he also wanted some ice cream.

"Yes."

Seamus stood up. "It's settled, Sex Gods, we're getting ice cream!"

The Sex Gods left, and sexily searched for the ice cream shop.

All except Harry and Draco…

OOOOH!