Harry and Ron reached the secret corridor by the time everyone had headed off to bed. But when they reached the room, they found it was already lit by torchlight and a hooded figure was kneeling over the sleeping dogs and licking them behind the right ears.
"On the count of three," Harry whispered to Ron. "One, two, three."
They rushed forward and attacked the hooded dog fetisher. Harry got them in a neck lock and started punching them in the side of the head. Ron kicked at the person's heels.
"We've got you McGonagall," Harry exclaimed. "Confess!" He pulled down the hood to reveal the mystery person to be none other than -
'Heroin?!"
"Surprise," she screamed, waving her arms.
"Surprise," Harry beamed back, smiling.
"Surprise, surprise!"
"Surprise!"
"Surprise," Ron added in. Harry and Heroin both stared at him.
"Shut up."
"Heroin," Harry asked in surprise. "You have an evil twin?!"
"What?"
"If McGonagall didn't sleep with Staggered, and it wasn't Neville, then…"
"I slept with Staggered, you fucktard," she responded irritated.
"Then why didn't you tell me?" Harry inquired, hurt.
"Well, I was kind of planning to keep half the Stones to myself and put the rest on eBay. Have you seen the shit you can sell on there?!"
Harry looked furious.
"What's to stop me from shoving this knife through your heart right now?!"
"What's been stopping you from getting inside me since the day we met?"
They were distracted by the sound of growling dogs.
"God damnit," Heroin said. "You woke up the hounds! Grrr. Come on!" She lead them to the other side of the room where they all jumped through a hole in the floor and fell for what seemed like minutes. Then they landed in a big pile of Christmas Sand.
"Help me," Ron screamed. "I'm drowning."
"Me too," Harry said.
"This is a dream come true," Heroin shouted with glee.
"Dammit, Heroin, we're going to die!"
"Just relax," she said. "And breathe in fast!"
"But my mommy always told me not to breathe when I'm drowning," Ron wailed.
"Your mother is a twat," she said. Then she slowly disappeared into the great white pile.
"Heroin!" Harry reluctantly followed her directions and found him falling through the mound of powder and dropped into a small room. Heroin was lying next to him, panting sighs of happy pleasure. Ron fell down to join them next, shaking and laughing like a maniac.
"N-n-n-n-Neville!"
Harry turned around to see Neville.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Heeeeeey, Harry. Buuuuuuddy," Neville said, "Man, you right about the eye thing. I wished for my mother to come back from the dead. But her ear is still missing."
"Neville," Heroin asked, "Are you sure that's the only drug you had today?"
Neville thought about it.
"Is sugar considered a drug?"
"Okay, I've had enough!" Harry yelled, "Let's just hurry up and get to the goddamn Stones!"
They started heading toward the exit, but Neville jumped in their way.
"No!! I won't let you!! You're going to get us all in trouble!!"
"No one gets in trouble here," Heroin told him.
"The teachers do worse things than us," Harry exclaimed.
"No!! I'll fight you!!" Neville screamed putting up his fists. Heroin grabbed Harry's knife and threw it like a ninja at Neville. The knife went straight through his throat and he fell to the floor dead. They all stared down at his dead body.
"I learned that trick during my years as a crackwhore on Hollywood Boulevard," Hermione boasted.
"How do you find the time to do all these things?" Harry asked in disbelief.
"I have my methods…."
She, Harry, and Ron leave the room and go down a hallway leading to another, much larger room. The cheap cut cocaine was already starting to wear off by the time they got there, to Heroin's disappointment. But what they saw there surprised them.
"It's a giant chess set," Ron squealed in delight. "This is amazing."
"How are we supposed to get past this?" Harry wondered.
"I have an idea," Heroin said with a sneaky look in her eyes. "Oh Ron!" Ron turned only to be punched in the face by her and knocked to the floor. Then Harry stepped on his leg, snapping the bone in half. They threw him into the center of the chess board, and the chess pieces started to surround him like an angry mob, brandishing their weapons. His screams could be heard as they attacked him all the in the next room, where Harry and Heroin had begun to descend a long flight of stairs.
At the bottom of the stairs was a small room adorned with red curtains, a large bed, and pornographic music playing faintly in the background.
"What the hell is this," Heroin demanded in rage. "Where are the Stones?!"
Harry walked into the room and looked at the wall above the bed. There was a framed instruction pamphlet hanging there.
"Listen, Heroin, it says the only way to unlock the secret location of the Magician's Stones is through the ultimate act of love," Harry said, thinking about what that meant. But Heroin knew very well what it meant.
"You listen, Harry," she said, sitting down on the bed. "I know you don't like me, but I don't like you either. But if we want to get what we want, we're going to have to work together!"
"I like you Heroin."
"Oh, you do," she asked, touched. "Well I like you, too, Harry."
There was a moment of silence before she spoke again.
"Let's get it on."
Despite the incredibly graphic sexual content portrayed in this story, the acts Harry and Heroin performed next are too explicit for even us to describe. Let's just say that the two friends were very sore three hours later.
"I know I say this to every guy I sleep with, but I really mean it this time. That was amazing."
"It was good for me, too, Harry."
They sat up and started putting their clothes back on. Then, the ceiling opened up and two, glossy red stones fell down next to them along with a double-ended crack pipe.
"Only two," Heroin shouted, looking up at the ceiling. 'You cheapskate!"
"Okay," Harry continued, "The instructions say we have to melt the stones down before we can smoke them, and then it will take up to an hour for the effects to set in."
They did as it said, and were soon smoking the powerful drug.
"It tastes like… sea salt," Harry mused.
"Tastes like semen," Heroin added.
Deciding to get out of that place and back to their dorm rooms to enjoy the sensations of the drugs in comfort, they headed back the way they came, searching for an exit. Then they heard someone moaning. Harry and Heroin found his mangled body on floor, struggling to stand.
"Help me," Ron groaned in pain, a hand reaching out for help. "Please."
Heroin grabbed a sword off the ground.
"JUST DIE YOU BITCH!!!!" she screamed while stabbing him repeatedly.
"What did I ever do to you?!" he asked, screaming in misery.
"Heroin, just come on," Harry screamed. "Just leave him."
He took her by the hand and they fled to the other side of the room, where they found a metal door that said "FIRE ESCAPE" on it.
"That's convenient," Heroin noticed. They opened the door and found themselves in a cramped, ceiling-less room with a ladder that was attached to the wall. They climbed to the very top and opened a trapdoor to see that the fire escape led to Staggered's house.
"What the hell ya doin' here?" he asked them, gulping down a bottle of whiskey.
"Uh," Harry began, "well, could we just chill here tonight? We're so tired."
"Eh, gobberlocker," he responded unintelligibly and passed out.
"Well," said Heroin. "I guess that means yes. You ready to experience the craziest night of your life?"
Harry smiled at her.
"Hell yeah!"
***
"UUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!"
Harry and Heroin were wheeled into the hospital wing on stretchers, moaning and bitching.
"That was a fucking rip-off," Harry exclaimed irritably.
"Yeah," said Heroin. "All it did was keep us up for three days and gave us diarrhea!!"
They were stuck in the hospital for the next week, where they had to sleep on either side of Ron in full body casts. (?)
"Oh, guys, we all get to be roommates for a week! How exciting!"
"God," Harry groaned in agony. "Why do we always get stuck with you?!"
"Because you guys are my best friends," Ron responded cheerily. Harry and Hermione looked at the ceiling in torture, knowing they had another six months until the year ended, stuck with Ronald fucking Weasley as their best friend for what would seem like an eternity…
THE END
By the way, we hope you enjoyed our story. And we would like you to know that this story was for a comical purpose only. We, the authors, have nothing against drug addicts, sexual deviants, or Ellen Degeneres. Thank you for reading.
