Not The End (Chapter 1) ~ Addicted To Your Memory

Author's notes: This chapter is mainly from Marissa's perspective. It was clearly visible on the show that Alex was heartbroken by the end of their relationship but, the writer's failed to really develop Marissa's character, in my opinion. We never got her side of the story, nor did we see how the aftermath of their break-up affected her. So, I wanted to show that here. I apologize if Marissa seems out-of-character. I admit, I'm not a diehard O.C. fan and merely watched the episodes which featured the Malex dynamic. But, maybe that's the whole point... Seeing a transformation in her within the passing of two years. *shrugs*

Disclaimer: Must I go through this everytime? I own nada, nothing, zero, zip. haha.

CHAPTER 1

2 years later...

Life in Newport had always been two things "fun" and "sun". It was familiar. Marissa could strut through the mall or on campus and turn heads wherever she went. Rumors spread like wildfire there and, if you hadn't heard about a Marissa Cooper then you were obviously socially exiled. She used to love the attention, the glances, it made her feel like somebody. But, now the "party girl" wanted nothing more than to just get lost within the crowd. Perhaps, it's what influenced her to move to L.A., amongst other reasons. Here, no one knew who she was, nor cared about her past. It was a chance to start fresh. Or so she thought...

As the weeks went by and Marissa found herself slowly becoming accustomed to the hustle and bustle of L.A. life, she noticed, though, that something still wasn't quite right. She couldn't put her finger on it. 'What wasn't sitting well with her?', she occasionally wondered but, shrugged off the thought as quickly as it came to mind. Then, one night as she sat at the bar, having a few drinks with her latest clique group, the bartender called past her, "Hey, Alex!" Marissa's composure completely shattered, along with the glass she accidentally knocked off the counter from spinning around in a fervor. Upon turning around, her wide eyes met those of an overweight middle-aged man. She let out a sigh, not realizing that she had been holding her breath the entire time.

Marissa settled back down onto the stool and flashed an apologetic smile for the spilt alcohol, before lipping "I'm sorry" to the bartender who seemed more than a little cross. Now unsure of her own motives, she inwardly questioned, 'What was I expecting...?' That was the first hint.

The second came about a month after. During a class assignment at the school for design of which Marissa was a student, professional female models were hired to stand in, dawning many of the latest styles and trends. To further their vast knowledge and develop their creative eye, each student was expected to sketch and make notations of the differing fashion designs, while adding a unique twist to every one. It sounded easy enough. At least, it would have been had Marissa actually kept her focus on the outfits, rather than on the models themselves. Her eyes scanned them up and down, taking in every detail and feature, as she half-consciously and half-unconsciously picked them apart with unbridled criticism. 'Her blonde hair looks dull and pasty, not vibrant like Alex's.' 'Those eyelashes are completely fake. Wouldn't surprise me if everything about her is. Alex... She had a natural stunning quality.' 'She has pretty eyes but, they don't come close to the color of Alex's big, bright, ocean blue-green eyes. I miss those eyes. I miss...'

Before her mind could process the word 'her', Marissa halted her thoughts and restored her defenses. Never underestimate a good rationalization, as she told herself that it was natural for her to be comparing them to Alex. After all, she had been the only woman Marissa ever found herself even remotely attracted to. Still, it seemed to the girl from Newport, Alex was, and forever will be the highest standard of beauty.

By the time the third hint came around, Marissa was slowly coming to a realization: Now, more than ever, she had been spending her leisure hours at the beach. A part of her wanted to say it was to watch the cute surfer guys. Just because you want something, though, that doesn't mean life is going to let you off the hook so easily. As she sat on the sand and watched the waves roll in one after the other, Marissa allowed that sobering truth to sink in. Maybe it was some twisted logic, that if the tides turned and changed enough, it would somehow bring her full circle... And, more importantly, bring Alex back. It was pathetic, and Marissa knew it. Still, that ounce of hope it brought was better than the lifetime of loneliness which stood ready to replace it.

Finally, one night, Marissa was awoken by her every hope and fear. Drenched in a cold sweat, she got out of bed to sit at her vanity, exhausted. Running her fingers through her damp bangs, with a sigh, she lifted her gaze to peer into the mirror. And, for the first time, perhaps, since the beginning, Marissa was honest with herself... 'I didn't come here to forget my past but, to find it. What's a girl to do when a future full of endless possibilities awaits me, yet, all I can think about is going back? Back to the last moment I ever felt whole.' And that's what was scariest... For it didn't lead her to a particular place or time but, it took her back into the arms of someone she thought she had long forgotten.

Back in Newport, during the 2 years after their sudden break-up, she won't lie; she missed her. Yes, there were quite a few nights where not even snuggling up to a soft silk pillow could replace the feeling of how she used to nestle her head against Alex's arm, or in the crook of her neck. A case of "Alex induced insomnia" she liked to call it. But, this was different somehow... Marissa couldn't sleep, not because Alex felt far off from her but, because she felt the girl's presence everywhere. Right now, they were living in the same city, breathing the same air (no matter that it's smog-filled), walking down the same streets... It was a constant reminder of how she threw away the only person who ever truly got her.

Opening the jewelry box which sat in front of her, Marissa sifted through its contents until, she pulled out the silver heart-shaped necklace which Alex gave her. She unclasped it and slowly fastened it around her neck, almost in imitation of past events. And as it hung so comfortably against her skin, Marissa could vividly recall and hear Alex saying, "Good." in return. Her mouth curved into a small bittersweet smile at the memory before it quickly dropped back down again. She clenched the heart pendant in one hand while burying her face within the other, feeling the inevitable weight of regret bearing down on her.


When morning's light peered through the thin curtains, Marissa wondered if she had even gotten a wink of sleep last night. She lay there in bed, staring at the ceiling above. Her entire body felt unbearably heavy like a ton of bricks, not budging nor even attempting to pry itself off of the mattress. But, the fact is, Marissa didn't want to move from this spot because it would mean acknowledging the start of a new day. A day she really didn't want to begin. "It's Valentine's Day.", she groaned before pulling the covers over her head.

After mulling it over in her apartment all morning and clear through to the early evening, Marissa finally forced herself to freshen up and go for a little walk. It was the perfect time to be outdoors... She avoided the scorching heat of the afternoon, yet, there was still about an hour of daylight left to accomplish something productive. Marissa engaged in a newly found pleasure of hers: Looking through display windows of various clothing stores and snapping digital photographs of anything in particular which caught her eye or sparked a unique concept. It was a form of expression for her, not to mention a decent way to relieve pent up stress.

"Wow, that's cool.", she remarked in awe, while excitedly taking a picture of a black leather belt which had a decorative silver dragon design spanning across to give it an asian theme. As she lowered her camera, though, the sight of something even more remarkable came into view. There, in the showcase, Marissa catches the reflection of a young woman who looks very much like Alex. 'It couldn't be.' Her eyes were playing a cruel trick on her, she reasoned. But, as she watched the blonde across the street go 'round the corner, her legs speedily carried her past the oncoming traffic before her mind even had a chance to comprehend the action which felt completely natural at this point.

Following behind at a safe distance, Marissa couldn't help but notice how this woman had the same dirty blonde hair, the same nonchalant swagger, the perfect hip hugger jeans which molded to her every curve, the punk/rock vibe she grew to love. Wait... love? That unguarded thought which managed to escape, stopped Marissa in her tracks. 'I didn't love her... did I?' She tried to deny it because her now aching heart was condemnation enough.

Marissa snapped out from her dazed state a few seconds later to find she had lost track of the young woman. Almost in a panic, her eyes darted from one end of the street to the next, prying through the crowd in hopes of spotting that flicker of golden blonde hair. The only sight that could ever ease her desperation. She ran straight ahead, spinning every which way until, a hand suddenly found her shoulder and pulled her backwards into the shade of the alley. Forced up against a wall, a voice threatened, "Why the hell are you...!" The shadowed figure leaned in closer to get a better look at her stalker. And immediately, the individual's tone softened to almost a whisper upon finishing, "....following...me?" In almost disbelief, she uttered, "Marissa?" Mimicing in shock, Marissa breathlessly stated with wide eyes, "Alex..."