Joan
Summery: : No one likes to feel alone. Rejection made her leave home early and drove her into an asylum. She pretends she does not remember but Alice can never forget why she is always searching for acceptance.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything but my car.
Warning : femslash, self abuse, mental issues, and general angst
I heed the higher voices; I go where I'm sent,
And they won't call me Mother, or Sister, or Wife,
They will know me or not by the strength of my life,
I will burn with a light of my own.
They'll know me as Joan.
It has been six months since the imprinting and still I wait we found out earlier today that Leah is pregnant is my mate coming now at last? Is fate still playing with me like always? At least jasper has left me to myself since he found his mate. Edward has been the best brother I could ask for he lets me hang out in his room a lot and I visit Bella more often but she is not my mate I know this but I need at least some female companionship. We are doing a girls day today Esme is driving the SUV, Leah has the front passenger seat. I am in the back between Bella and Rosalie. Edward suggested it as a way to help lift my spirits. A song came on the radio as we left the drive. The song seemed to fit me well it was called Joan.
I am as God made me, I have no desire,
For a mouth at my breast or a pot on the fire,
I heed the higher voices; I go where I'm sent,
To mow down the men who refuse to repent,
I'm a scythe, in a field full of briars.
And they won't call me Mother, or Sister, or Wife,
They will know me or not by the strength of my life,
I will burn with a light of my own.
They'll know me as Joan.
They'll know me as Joan.
The courage of Catherine, the flames of the forge,
Sword of Saint Michael, the blood of Saint George,
I take what I'm given, I follow my truth,
I gladly abandon the bloom of my youth,
I'm the lashing, that falls from the scourge.
And they won't call me Mother, or Sister, or Wife,
They will know me or not by the strength of my life,
I will burn with a light of my own.
They'll know me as Joan.
They'll know me as Joan.
I fight where God tells me, I never ask why,
I've bloodied the Devil, with steel from on high,
I kill without consequence, heed no Man's law.
I sift out the righteous like grain from the straw.
I am Judgment, and Heaven is nigh.
And they won't call me Mother, or Sister, or Wife,
They will know me or not by the strength of my life,
I will burn with a light of my own.
They'll know me as Joan.
They won't call me Mother, or Sister, or Wife,
They will know me or not by the strength of my life,
I will burn with a light of my own.
They'll know me as Joan.
No they won't call me Mother, or Sister, or Wife,
They will know me or not by the strength of my life,
I will burn with a light of my own.
They'll know me as Joan.
No they won't call me Mother, or Sister, or Wife,
They will know me or not by the strength of my life,
I will burn with a light of my own.
They'll know me as Joan.
They won't call me Mother, or Sister, or Wife,
They will know me or not by the strength of my life,
I will burn with a light of my own.
They'll know me as Joan.
They'll know me as Joan.
Esme glanced in the rearview mirror at me and noticed that not only was I singing along so were Rosalie and Bella. It fit my mood of late. That idea that I really had no place here just like Sedna I had tried to make my family but it seemed that I had done it all in vain. I felt like I would never find my mate it seemed like each time I got close it was ripped away from me. I watched as the landscape sped past my vampire eyes scanning the area. I let my mind go back to my vision of my mate curling around it like a security blanket. I pretended to be happy chatting inanely about plans for what to do with the nursery allowing them to think I was happy as all of them were. Part of being a vampire was the ability to lie. I was a good actress as I allowed them to think I was alright. I allowed them to think that what ever melancholy that seeped around the edge of my mask was simply the loss of Jasper to Seth. In truth I could not have cared less that Jasper had found his mate. The only advantage was that now he was not raping me on a nightly basis.
We arrived at the mall and I lost myself in my element finding cloths and furniture for the nursery. We commissioned a round crib to be made of wrought iron for the baby. The look on the sales lady's face was priceless when we asked to have it made of iron. We ordered a matching changing table . I managed to find an antique wardrobe made of teak and ebony with ivory inlaid handles on the doors and internal drawers. The room would look dark but it would be brightened with the décor I had found I had managed to convince Leah to let me do all the decorating I planed to make the room look like an Ice flow with the crib tucked into a little ice cave. I even found a bed that would fit nicely into the ice flow as the baby grew. Esme and Bella were helping me with the surprise nursery theme though Esme did ask why I volunteered the room I was now staying in as the nursery. I explained that I would keep the closet but that I did not mind sharing a room with the baby as I had no mate to share it with at the moment. I did not add that mayhap the child would be my mate and that as such one day we would share the room as lovers not just with me acting as a live in nanny. At the moment that was all I could offer.
