Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine. Don't sue. I can't afford it.
Author's Note: Yeah, I nearly cried for Leah when I was writing last chapter. And this chapter's been a pain-in-the-butt to write, because I have had major, major, major writer's block for this story. I've had plenty of ideas for others but this one - nothing. That means this probably won't be as good - if it doesn't come naturally then it never is as good, but I hope you feel it fits.
Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand
Chapter 8 ~ Help
I dimly felt Jacob's mind leave me, at last, in peace. He left me alone to deal with my sorrow, of such a strength that it was diminishing, only to be replaced with a numb, empty, lifelessness. I was becoming blind and deaf to my surroundings. I barely noted that the sun was setting, or that I was in the woods, or that somebody was coming closer to me, and kneeling before me, and checking me. The loss of my Harry had entirely consumed me - so much so that I had trouble to remember what I had to live for any more.
"I am so sorry," a male voice whispered. I didn't know who he was, or why he was here, or what he was answering, but he sounded sincere. He sounded like he meant it. Then I realised that it didn't matter if he meant it or not - Harry was dead.
Another tear rolled down my muzzle as I thought of Harry. Beautiful Harry. Upbeat Harry. Positive Harry. Healing Harry. Lovely Harry. The best Harry. My Harry. And he'd gone. Snatched away from life before he could enjoy it. Life was so unfair.
"That is a bit of a cliche," the male voice said, seemingly trying to lift me out of the paralysing stupor Harry's death had left me in. My response couldn't really be classed as one - I ignored the man totally, as well as his ill-timed attempts at humour.
"Sorry," he muttered. "I thought...it might improve your outlook on things. Obviously, I didn't think it through correctly. I may have objectified your feelings too much. Or likened it to normal love, rather than the love received from an Imprint. Please accept my apology." If I myself could have thought properly, I would have said that the apology wasn't needed and that it wasn't his fault I found myself like this and that I appreciated the care that the humour obviously portrayed. But the anesthetising agony was too strong for those politer thoughts to break through. I just couldn't talk to this man so close to my Harry's death.
"Being alone won't help you. I know from experience. You need support and help from others. Blocking them out never solves problems." His velvet voice was pained, like he was reliving memories from long ago, but that were still as sharp as if they were from yesterday. "Blocking emotions doesn't help either. I've tried it all and none of it is good, and none of it works. Let yourself feel and maybe you can recover from this to some extent."
Recover? He expected me to recover from this? It was an impossibility. I could never fill the emptiness where Harry used to be in, not my heart, but the very foundations of my soul. I had an irreparably damaged heart and a lost soul. I couldn't recover.
"Leah, anything would be better than this choice. I totally understand how it feels to lose the entire centre of your universe, but desensitising yourself, separating yourself won't help you. You have to be strong, if not for yourself, for Harry. You have to realise he wouldn't want you to stop living life because he died. I know you would say the same to Harry." Talking about Harry's wishes managed to clear the fog slightly. It made me focus. I wasn't being selfish in moving on from Harry's death, nor was I showing signs of indifference. I was helping Harry be at ease in his final resting place.
As I tried to deal with the grief more effectively, I heard someone else come up and start talking to the male. This person was female - something I could tell from the light footfalls, the higher pitched voice, and the lilting intonation of her voice.
"Is she OK now?" I heard her ask. That was heartening. Someone else cared about me too. Someone else wanted me to be happy, as well as what Harry would be wishing. Harry's last words were him telling me that he loved me, so wasn't that proof he wanted me to recover? Wasn't that proof he wanted me to show him I loved him by healing? I really hoped so.
"She seems to have perked up slightly when I said Harry wouldn't want his death to affect her in a wholly negative way."
"I feel so sorry for her," the female answered. "She has had so much pain in such a short amount of time. And she's had to cope with it virtually on her own, because she couldn't tell people about the wolves. It makes me wonder who could do something like that to such a wonderful person."
"You didn't know her when she could be called wonderful. Sam had affected her too much by that time. But I understand what you mean. It's making you question whether or not a higher person or being could really exist with good conscience."
"Exactly. She's had so many things hit her, time and time again." She sighed. "I can't help but wonder how she's going to cope with it all." They were talking about me as if I didn't exist. Which I suppose was true, in the sense that I couldn't talk back or protest or add anything to the conversation about my own life, because I was too busy trying to fight the stupor that was hovering over me, ready to pull me down again if I didn't concentrate hard enough.
"She'll cope. She's fighting her anesthesia as we speak, so she'll be able to live." He was trying to convince her that I'd be okay, and I was once again touched by their concern. If people cared about me like this, could I let them down? I was already thinking clearer and, in spite of the pain that was growing more and more acute with each inch I fought, I wanted to live up to their expectations. Besides, I had suddenly rediscovered my desire for revenge.
"I doubt you'll be allowed to do that," Edward called. Now my brain was functioning somewhat better, I had remembered that the male was Edward the mind-reading vampire and the woman was Bella the shielding vampire and that they were always good to me - unless I was having a rant and rave about what they did to Jacob or how annoying Nessie was at times.
Groggily, I asked him why. In my mind. Because I was still in too much pain to change into my human form. As well as that, I didn't have any clothes and I wanted to preserve what little dignity I had left.
"Well, Jasper is very good friends with Peter, and Alice will back Jasper, because they're mates. Carlisle won't want fighting and Esme is always behind Carlisle. Nessie won't want it because Jacob doesn't...for some inexplicable reason. Emmett is behind Jasper because he doesn't want to fight with Peter, and Rosalie is indifferent, but when pushed will go with the rest of them. That creates a majority verdict of 'don't kill Peter'." Then I heard Edward growl for some reason.
"What?" Bella asked, undoubtedly as questioning as I was at the growl. I hadn't once thought of how much I wanted to rip, limb from limb, all of the Cullens and werewolves and who or whatever else stood in between me and Peter's death.
"I just...can't understand it," he replied. "I don't know why Jacob wouldn't want Peter dead." A shiver went through his body. "If it was Nessie, God forbid, he'd have shredded Peter to pieces human! Not only that, but he experienced Leah's emotions firsthand, as I am, and I have no idea ho he wouldn't be swayed by that. And he went against all tradition and all treaties, like Leah said. But he didn't let her, didn't give up saying no. I just don't know why..."
He said he didn't want to risk the vampire-wolf relations, I replied, actively getting involved in the conversation. I was nearly fully functioning, so I tried to sit up a little more, and look interested. It wasn't even a pretense. I was desperate to have all this information because it could give me information about what to do and what not to do in order to give Peter what he deserved.
"But it's perfectly fine. Jasper would have been furious but he would have understood eventually, as would the rest of us. The only person who would never have forgiven you would have been Charlotte, but she would have understood why you did it."
Why didn't you stay to read his mind? That would definitely have been simpler. It would have been a lot less emotional than watching me battle a similar thing to Bella when he left her. I regretted that thought when he winced - he still hadn't gotten over leaving her like that.
"Because she saw you run off, and based on said experience, she thought you could use some help, but she needed me to read your mind so we could actually console you rather than spout platitudes." I got a lump in my throat at their care. God, how could I have ever thought them to be cruel? I was disgusted with myself.
"Just tribe prejudices, we got it when we were at Hoquaim and were expecting it that time, so there wasn't a problem." He smiled, but it was quickly wiped off his face as he remembered what loss had just befallen me. Then I started to wonder how grief had made me increase my vocabulary exponentially in the last few minutes. Exponentially? Befallen? Kind of reminded me of when I said vamoose at the wedding. Then the pain burst through me.
I gasped and panted at the fierceness of it, like a hole had been shot through my chest. And this memory was a good one. But maybe that made it worse, by reminding me I didn't have a hope in Hell at trying to get another shot at those times. Thant I couldn't make more memories of Harry was heartbreaking. Totally and utterly heartbreaking. Nothing could make it worse. Ever. Nor could anything make it better. I was up the creek without a paddle.
"Leah," Bella cried, whilst rushing over to my curled up form. "Breathe, just breathe. It won't take a moment. Think of something else, totally off what you were thinking of before." That was the most round-a-bout way I'd ever heard of not saying somebody's name. But it didn't take much distracting. Jacob phased and spoke to me.
You might want to inform Bella and Edward of Peter's arrival into the house. Ask them if they want me to stay wolf so they can see the conversation through your eyes.
I had no need to, because Edward seemed to be listening to my mind, probably out of concern for my feelings. He was kind that way.
"No Jacob, it's alright. What I'm going to do is move a bit closer to the house so I can hear most of the conversation. You might want to ask Leah if she wants to see it though. It involves her more than it does us."
Well? That arrogant, obnoxious, son of a... I am listening, you know.
Oops. Sorry, most high Alpha. But, yes, I would like you stay. I want to see what he says is his excuse.
Couldn't Edward do that?
He could, but I want to see it as firsthand as possible, without ripping his head off, seeing as you won't let me.
Fine. I'll just tell them.Then he disappeared. God, he was an idiot.
"I always thought so," Edward murmured, and we snickered at it together.
So, what did you think?
And, once again, sorry for the writer's block that made writing this totally impossible for an age. Thanks for putting up with that. I'll try and get my writing back on track by making deadlines for myself and goals and the like. Anyway, please review! I'd appreciate that loads.
