Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer and not me, I'm just manipulating her characters and ruining Leah, because I am very cruel.

A/N: I haven't stuck to my deadline. Because... well, I'm useless. Sorry. Despite yet another late chapter, I hope it will clear up any confusion with regards to Jacob stopping Leah from hunting down (insert bad word for Peter).

Love and Pain Go Hand in Hand

Leah's POV

Chapter 9 ~ Explanations

When I heard Jacob's mind again, I was quiet. His voice, laced with rage, told me that Peter would be in the room in five minutes. Here was the moment I had waited for, for what seemed like an eternity. In reality, it was only hours since I had watched my Harry's death by the hands of something that shouldn't exist in our world.

Edward was sat, concentrating, in the corner of the clearing. He needed to concentrate for once, because the minds he was listening to were so far away. He wanted to move closer so he could hear them with a little more ease, but I couldn't bear being so close to the killer and not try to tear his throat out. We could have split up, but then one of us wouldn't have been able to voice our opinions because there was only one phone to hear the 'chat', i.e. interrogation, of Peter.

Personally, I thought convincing Peter of his immorality in this would be impossible. I had seen his eyes the total indifference to my suffering, the lack of empathy, sympathy or even pity. There was nothing there except the existence of a monster that was dancing on my Harry, trying to squeeze the rest of the blood from his lifeless body. That monster was gloating, but there was another that wanted more and more of my Harry's blood. I wished there was something I could have done to stop him. Anything I could have done to stop him.

I'm pretty sure the fury coursing through my veins and boiling my blood caused my thoughts to be rather loud. The annoyance on Edward's face led me to this conclusion and when I worked that I tried to keep my thoughts down. It was a pretty impossible task because I couldn't hear the volume of my thoughts in Edward's head but I tried all the same. I needed someone to like me and support me through this crap.

That got me thinking of all the "crap", from Sam onwards. It seemed like I was an experiment to see how long I could endure pain. I was given a taste of something precious that I needed in my life, and then it was taken from me. Would I live? What would I do without this? How would I cope when I learned happiness only existed to make unhappiness possible?

"Marcel Proust," Edward murmured, distracting me from my thoughts.

What? It had seemingly come out of nowhere, and I couldn't see how my thoughts could have brought a French author from the turn of the century to the front of his mind.

"He said happiness only exists to make unhappiness possible."

Oh, joy. Well, I'm glad to see you're doing what little you can to cheer me up, by telling me this depressing sentiment has been shared by many. Thanks, I said sarcastically.

"No problem," he replied, seeing that it was humour I was going for, rather than a snide comment. That I was trying for humour was optimistic, at least. Probably came from knowing that I was moments away from seeing if my justice would be delivered. It was unlikely, but I could only hope.

I started to watch the scene that was in my mind. I blocked all other images from my surroundings and fully concentrated on the vampires sat in Jacob's room. I realised I'd missed some of the conversation due to my mini-conversation with Edward.

"I've already said that I'm sorry. What more can I do now? He's dead." Totally without feeling and said as if they were merely discussing which opera to see. I snarled at the apathy.

Calm it, Leah, Jacob snapped. He was angry at something. I assumed it was at Peter; after all, he was the one who was very callously dealing with my Harry's cold-blooded murder. I wondered how Jacob could be so close to him and not take a snap at him. I would. I said, calm it, Leah. Now.

I couldn't help being angry at the vampire that totally ruined my life, but I once again tried to cool down. I was missing all of the questions and Peter's excuses masquerading as answers. It was all pointless - that I could sense. No one cared about justice, they were too close to the matter to think rationally.

"I don't know," he murmured, to what question I had no idea. Carlisle asked it, but that was all I knew. Jacob wasn't talking so I started to listen more intently. No more thoughts going off on a tangent for me, otherwise I'd have no idea what was going on.

"Did you try to stop yourself from killing him?" Carlisle asked, his voice that of calmness and acceptance. Acceptance? Who could accept this? Accept a slaughter? That wasn't like Carlisle at all.

Leah, Jacob warned. I grimaced and tried to restrain the anger coursing through me.

"Yes," he replied without hesitation. It was perfect timing on his part - not too quick, not too slow. He was a gifted liar. Not gifted enough to get around a mind reader though.

"No you didn't, Peter," Edward said simply.

"I did," he snarled down the phone.

"It might be quiet, but I can still hear your mind, so there's no point lying. Just tell the truth. It would make things a lot easier." We heard him sigh, and I saw him mentally debate the best course of action.

"It wouldn't have made a difference. Even if I had tried, I wouldn't have stopped. If you move a little closer, you might get the full impact." When Edward and Bella looked at me, I nodded quickly. An explanation would be nice, rather than all the cryptic conversations within conversations within an interrogation, and that curiosity might stop me from running to end Peter's life. I might manage the end of the garden, and because Bella promised to stop with me, I probably wouldn't run to destruction. We arrived in no time at all and Bella stayed with me as planned. Edward went to the house.

"I suggest anything with a heartbeat moves away," Peter said. That was strange. He didn't want to kill werewolves. Then, as Nessie ran down the garden, I realised her half-human smell and heartbeat would attract him, especially as he went through the motions of a recent hunt. He still didn't care about me, or how he had so quickly managed to ruin me. My lips curled back from my teeth and Bella must have heard me.

"Whoa, Leah! Calm down. Not going to help. We need to know what happened. Then maybe we can sort this mess out. OK?" I nodded stiffly in response and then sat down. I was going to sit here and be trusted to sit here and listen and watch what was happening, just like I'd been told.

I saw Edward walk into the room and every one of them move slightly defensively. There must have been a huge argument about this, and Bella and Edward had chosen to support me in my fight. I didn't know why, but they did. They were risking their family for me. That made me feel awful, truly awful. I was ruining everything. How typical.

"Took you a while," Peter said. He was obviously insensitive to be so arrogant and obnoxious so close to my Harry's death. I didn't just hate this man, I loathed him. Edward rolled his eyes and motioned for him to start showing him what happened.

Edward gasped at something and I watched both of their eyes darken with thirst. My eyes started swimming with tears, as I watched the face of one of my only supporters contorted with the bloodlust that killed my Harry. The very same bloodlust. My breathing hitched as I watched two people start to hunt Harry all over again. Even though they were only watching a memory, it created a pain deep within my heart. It was intense pain with no anger to take the edge from it. I tried to watch the scene, but it was impossible as I saw lips curl back from teeth and snarls erupt. I blocked the end of the shared memory from my mind as I tried to breathe through the hole that had burst its way through my chest. Bella knelt beside me, telling me to think of something else. I didn't. In order to understand, I had to listen to the conversation that followed. I needed to know what happened.

"More powerful than Bella," Edward whispered. He seemed to be talking more to himself than to anyone in particular. Nobody could understand him as he continued to mumble through his thoughts to organise them.

"Nothing like explaining things, Edward," Rosalie complained, eventually.

"Sorry. This is quite difficult to comprehend, even though I felt and saw everything for myself. Give me a moment," he replied, and proceeded to sit on a chair in silence for another minute. "You know how hard I found it not to kill Bella when I first met her." They nodded. "Imagine that I had hunted humans at that point."

"Yo wouldn't have stopped yourself," Emmett said.

"Right," Edward replied. "Then imagine that she smelt more appetising. Nothing could have stopped me and this was the situation Peter found himself could have stopped him."

I was crushed. Even my only supporter was now supporting my Harry's killer. Who could condone that? Obviously, the Cullens could. Obviously, none of them could give me justice because he was their friend. Obviously, I wanted to kill them all.

I turned and ran from the house, as fast as I could. I wasn't allowed to kill them, so I had to leave. It was probably for the better. It would only start an impossible war, just like Jake said. I didn't want to do that to anyone, especially not Jake, not after all he'd done for me in those long, hard twenty years. So, I left.

I heard footsteps follow. It was probably just Bella. It could have been Edward. Either way, I didn't care. I wanted time alone, to live my life through, and select what I wanted to hear, and see, and do and say. I wanted to right all the wrongs I had committed, take back all the snarky comments during my harpy years. I wanted a new life and I wanted Harry back so he could be in it. None of those could ever be granted, so I wanted to be alone.

Stop running, Leah, Jacob said. His voice was calm, without any Alpha undertones. I could feel his need to talk to me, so I slowed to a walk, waiting for him to catch up to me. I realised I had heard paws following, not feet. It was an easy mistake to make, with my mind full of Harry's murderer being excused.

What is it Jacob? I want to be alone.

I owe you an explanation. I just couldn't let you fight Peter, because -

Can't we talk about this at a later date? I want to be alone.

You need to know why I did this. He was starting to annoy me and I could feel the old Leah, the one full of pain that she unleashed onto everyone else, start to bubble under my skin.

I know why you did it.

You do? Yes, he was definitely getting annoying, and so I readied my 'bitter harpy' voice, full of hurt and pain.

I do. It's because you are cold-hearted and unsympathetic and-

IT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO DIE! he roared. I was shocked into silence. Who else had died? Someone from the rez? It's Billy. He's been diagnosed with cancer.And just when I'd thought things couldn't get worse, they did. I couldn't understand why everything had been thrown together at once. But that still didn't fully explain things...

I don't understand what that has to do with me, Jacob.

You're like my sister, Leah. I am actually closer to you than my real sisters. I couldn't let you fight a vampire who was strong and more capable of fighting than any Cullen we had trained with except Jasper. You would have died, and I just couldn't do that to you, Leah. How could I have been so cruel? He was totally right, as much as I hated to say it. I would have died, but wasn't that best for me now? I had no life left in me now that Harry had gone. There was nothing left.

There's family and friends and all the people you have helped in Africa. What about us, Leah?

I...I...I wasn't thinking. I had just seen Harry die. I couldn't think of anything except that. I know you'd be the same with Nessie. But, that's besides the point. I'm just saying that I could only think of revenge, preferably painful. It's still quite appealing, to be honest. A silence followed. Do you mind me being alone now Jacob? I need to think.

Of course, he said, and started to run.

I'm sorry about Billy. He nodded in response, and ran into the trees. His mind soon left, so I assumed he went home human. I sighed and ran further away. I wanted to go home. I needed my mother.

So, thanks for reading that. Took several sessions. I won't be post for a while (probably September) because for two weeks my cousin is over and the next week I go on holiday, so I won't have time to write. I have a clear idea of what I want next chapter, so I'll probably be able to write it quite quickly (touch wood).

Anyway, please review. I love them. And tell me if you spot spelling mistakes. I did the last bit in a rush. Thanks.