Author's note: Have you been waiting? LOL Well, here it is. The third chapter. And to clarify something; This story hasn't caught up to the tv-series time-wise. We're still before the wedding between Lily and Bart. Now, lets go:


How We Breathe

.¨-¨.

Chapter 3 – Inside Out

Friday, January 19th 2008

-b-

"Blair"

Her mother's icy voice echoes through the apartment and she groans where she's standing in front of her mirror. It's 7.45 am and she's putting the finishing touch on her make-up, trying to get ready before Elenore arrives back from Rome, but apparently no such luck.

Sighing, she notices Dorota in her doorway, and the old housekeeper is wearing a face of sympathy.

"Good morning miss Blair. Your mother wants you to come for breakfast downstairs."

She stiffens immediately and bites her bottom lip as Dorota pulls the curtains apart to let in the dull morning light. And while the woman that practically raised her starts making the bed, she slowly finishes putting on her mascara.

"Miss Blair should hurry. The Mrs. is already waiting in the sunroom..."

"I am on my way Dorota!"

She doesn't mean to snap. It's just that being watched and scutinized by Elenore is the last thing she needs. When Dorota served her breakfast here in her room, she could easily just pick some grapes and chew them slowly until left alone. Some days, if she didn't want to eat, she could just wrap half the food on her plate in the napkin and shove it down in her schoolbag to be discarded in a trash-bin on her way to meet Serena.

Lately, she guesses, Dorota must wonder where all the napkins went.

But breakfast with Elenore was always a lose-lose situation. If she didn't eat, then her mother would look at her suspiciously and make an appointment with Dr Sherman before she had time to blink.

The thought of people finding out about her 'earlier problem' seems to be what scares Elenore Waldorf the most, since that could look as if she had raised a less than perfect offspring.

But if she did in fact eat normally, then she would have to endure the usual disappointed and condescending glare. The one that told her that however perfect she tried to be, she would never be enough. Never be worthy of her mother's appreciation.

Maybe that is why she has barely had a meal with Elenore since that morning before the photo-shoot when Serena came over...

"Darling" her mother snapped when she stepped into the dining room and made the mistake of saying 'Good morning'. "Don't you know that it is impolite to interrupt? I was just telling Serena that Bendel's is interested in carrying my line."

Surprised to see Serena smiling at her from across the table, she looked at her mother again.

"Really, mom? Oh, that's fantastic! Why didn't you say something?"

In the corner of her eye she saw Serena put the last piece of a croissant into her mouth and lick her fingers, while nodding in agreement. But her mother looked annoyed, as if she was bored with having to explain it all over again.

"I came back from Paris early to put together my look-book, and if they like what they see, it could be the beginning of an entire lifestyle collection."

"Because more people should be like you, mother."

She couldn't help but sound a bit sarcastic, although her mother just rolled her eyes. But of course she got attention the minute she reached for a croissant like the one Serena just ate. Her mother's eyes instantly turned skeptical and disapproving.

"Before you tuck into that, dear… maybe you'll find a low-fat yogurt more appealing?"

The look and the raised eyebrow told her that it was more of a command then a question. Elenore might as well have said; 'Please don't embarrass yourself by stuffing your face like a pig.'

"I lost 2 pounds when you were away…" she tried and pulled at her robe, wishing that she had dressed before coming down to eat. But her mother didn't even look at her when she answered "And you look marvelous."

Instead Elenore was watching Serena, and she cringed inwardly when Serena tossed her gorgeous long blonde hair back and flipped through the clothes on the rack.

"Wow, these are beautiful, Mrs. Waldorf."

"Well, they will be when they're not all squished from traveling."

Elenore stood up and without hesitation just started toward Serena while muttering "Darling, please…"

She flinched and moved back to allow her mother to pass without having her bare feet stepped on. So much for the 'family breakfast'…

Rolling her eyes, she pinched off a grape and dutifully chewed it twenty times.

"Sereena…" her mother gushed with her voice all buttery, "You have to come back later when everything is unpacked. I would love to hear your thoughts. You do have such great personal style."

And it wasn't a lie. Serena had a way to look wonderfully and spontaneously beautiful even when she came straight out of bed. And she felt the bitter jealousness taint her insides. No matter how hard she strived to be perfect in her mother's eyes, Serena was always better. Always had been.

But Serena had after all been her best friend her entire life, and even the year away or the fact that Serena had slept with her boyfriend, didn't seem to have dented the telepathic bond between them. Because Serena smiled as politely as ever but shook her head.

"Oh, thank you Elenore, but I don't think we'll be able to. Blair and I have plans today."

"We do?"

For a second she looked at her blonde friend in confusion. They did? She hadn't even known that Serena was coming over. But then Serena winked.

How ever bad Serena had stabbed her in the back, she could always count on S when she needed to be saved.

Now when she sits down across from her mother and unfolds the starched linen napkin in her lap, Serena won't come in and save her. And she soon realizes that this is just another one of her mother's 'briefings'. This family-breakfast is merely a way for Elenore to make sure that she is aware of what's expected of her.

"Why do you look so tired darling?" her mother asks after only glancing at her, and she straightens her back a little more.

"I couldn't sleep last night... How was Rome?"

The try for a change of subject seems to fly past unnoticed.

"You should really go to sleep earlier Blair. You don't want to get dark circles under your eyes, and lack of sleep will give you wrinkles sooner than needed. I should know. With my workload, sleep is always a luxury. You, my dear, are spoiled that way... You and your friends get everything served to you."

She nods solemnly and feels herself shrink in her seat.

Never good enough, no matter how hard she tries. So why bother?

Elenore's cell-phone beeps angrily on the table beside them and while her mother answers it and keeps drawling on to someone about the importance of keeping deadlines, she reaches for a chocolate Danish and eats it without even breathing. Before she even realizes it, she bites into a second one.

Her mother seems totally oblivious, caught up in her important business-call, and when she gets up to head for school, Elenore simply covers the receiver and theatre-whispers: "The House-warming party at Lily's and Bart's starts at 7 pm. Don't be late."

She nods, just wanting to get out of there, and when she reaches the doorway, her mother adds:

"And Blair, try to wear something a little more flattering..."

She closes her eyes and she can still feel the taste of chocolate in her mouth. Suddenly she wishes that she had eaten the whole plate. But she nods like a good girl and walks towards the elevator.

And is if the day isn't bad enough already, she spots a certain black limo creeping down the street the second she walks out onto the sidewalk.

"Not today, Bass..." she groans to herself and starts walking. She's nauseous enough as it is.

-c-

School is as boring as ever, and as he sits in class and listens to the geography professor yap on and on about the climate in South Africa, he simultaneously checks his cell phone. Gossip Girl still hasn't caught on to the fact that Georgina is returning, and there haven't been any new rumours about Blair. Actually it's been unusually silent about the brunette, but then again, same said brunette has been acting uncharacteristically silent and calm.

One that has been appearing on the gossip hotline though, is dear Nathaniel. First with going out with Brooklyn-trash's little skanky sister, and now because he went on a date with the girl from that night when Blair was drunk beyond words. Vanessa.

Good morning Upper East siders. It seems that UES's own prince charming has left the security of his kingdom for a night in Brooklyn with a rather unknown dark-haired beauty. And I guess that means that there is now no hope for a reunion between him and the former queen...

Even more bored, he closes his phone without even finish reading the text. Sure, Loser-boy's friend is kind of hot in an exotic kind of way, but she's not his type. Low class women were for low class activities. He would never bring a girl from across the bridge to any of their hangouts unless it was for a good reason, and he finds it a little pathetic that Nathaniel brought the girl to a fancy restaurant. It just seemed to much of a reversed 'Lady and the Tramp' cliché. But then again, Serena went slumming, and apart from the brewing Georgina-mess, the blonde seems happier than ever.

He puts his phone back in his pocket and discretely looks at his former best friend. Nate is concentrated on taking notes and completely unaware that Gossip Girl has released a piece of his night with Vanessa.

He can't help but wonder if Blair has seen it yet, and if she has; what she feels about it. She hadn't looked that happy this morning when he drove by and saw her coming out of her house... But that couldn't have been because of Nate and his corny date, right?

Because at lunch he had seen Blair with the girls on the steps, and she had seemed normal then. At least she had seemed like what counted as normal nowadays.

"So was Veronica worth the three courses at Café Boulud?" he hisses over to Nathaniel when the professor looks the other way, purposely saying the wrong name to show that he doesn't care if Nate even answers. And for kicks, he adds; "I mean, sure... Brooklyn girls are usually good fun."

Nate looks a little annoyed and mutters "Vanessa. And it's not like that, man."

"No? Then what?" He raises an eyebrow. "You're dating her because of her perfect social background and flawless upbringing? I hate to break it to you old pal, but Vanessa won't be able to help your dad with his financial mess..."

The crease in Nathaniel's brow deepens and he looks guilty behind the irritated facade. The hidden meaning is clear to them both and no other explanations are needed.

"That was a mistake, you know that Chuck..." Nate finally mumbles and he smirks back. "It was wrong of me to try and take advantage of Blair's family name, but you know how my dad pushes..."

Touché. So now Prince Charming at least admits it...

"People make mistakes..." he agrees silently as the professor turns back, and when he sees the smile on Nate's face, he realizes that Nate thinks that he meant that sleeping with Blair was a mistake too.

But when he leans in over his book to look like he's studying, he inwardly knows that this isn't the case. He doesn't regret sleeping with Blair, not even about taking her virginity, or that he did it behind his friend's back. He regrets letting Blair become more than a casual fuck.

And he regrets losing her as a friend.

If there was ever a mistake he wishes that he hadn't made, then that was on top of the list.

His phone buzzes again, signalling another incoming message, and he once again retrieves his phone. The text is from his father, and after reading it, his mood goes from bored to straight up horrible, and nothing can change it. Not even the fact that when the class ends, Nathaniel starts talking to him about his date with the Brooklyn-girl as if they're back to their normal brother-like friendship.

There's just too much on his mind for him to brighten his mood, since tonight his dad has requested that he'll participate in the stupid house-warming festivities and the text-message warning about his behaviour at that party is just the last drop. But what daddy says, Chuck does... that has always been the unspoken rule in the Bass household.

When Bass senior says jump... well, Blair would understand. Her life is just the same, but with different consequences.

Too bad he hates her.

And right then he walks out of the school's front door and a shoulder brushes his. His nostrils fills with a very familiar sent and his stomach makes a summersault.

Stopping in the middle of the stairs, he watches Blair's back as she disappears out through the gates, and he takes a calming breath.

Stupid fucking butterflies.

-s-

The Bass-Van der Woodsen 'moving in-party' is an expensive ordeal that she wishes she could just bail from. The flat is crowded with rich and boring friends of her mother and Bart, and of course by their spoiled off-springs.

Dan is visiting his mother in Hudson so she's even more bored than usual, and since she doesn't drink that much anymore, the entertainment of being drunk is a no-no. She had put all her hope on Blair to keep her company, but the brunette just keeps disappearing.

Then from out of nowhere Chuck appears at her side and she huffs in annoyance and takes a step back as he leans in and says "Hi sis..."

"Get out of my face, Chuck!"

She's thoroughly tired of bumping into him everywhere she goes. He's like vermin, destroying everything in his path, and even after effectively running him out of their home ten days ago, she wants to stay as far away from him as she can. Somehow even more so since last weekend.

Before last Saturday she had at least felt confident that she knew him.

Chuck Bass – pompous asshole and disgusting playboy with no respect for anyone other than himself.

But then he arrived at Zanzibar and totally took charge of the 'Blair-incident', acting so out of character that she almost had to re-evaluate his person. At least until he once again changed back and made her promise not to tell anyone that he had even been there.

Now she's feeling confused, because every time he smirks at her in the disgusting way he's doing right now, she still remembers the way he cradled Blair in the limo...

Why the hell couldn't he have just stayed away from her friend in the first place?

Or even better, why couldn't she herself have stayed away from Nate?

Chuck just leans back against the wall and looks at the passing people. Nods or offers a bored 'Hello' here and there when he has to.

"Maybe you should keep better watch over Waldorf?" he then says in a dry voice and swirls the whiskey in his crystal tumbler. "She seems to be straying from the narrow path again..."

She gives him a cold look and disgustedly removes his hand from her shoulder.

"No need. Blair will be perfectly fine just as long as you keep your dirty hands off her."

"Does she look fine to you?"

He nods towards Blair who's standing further inside the living room. Her friend looks stiff as a board, frozen in a stoic pose next to Elenore, and her eyes are hollow and blank.

And no, Blair doesn't look fine. In fact, she looks completely detached. And it annoys the living crap out of her that Chuck needs to tell her this.

He probably sees the change in her face because he smirks.

"Why do you even care whether she's fine or not?" she snaps a lot harsher than needed. "I bet you thrive on this, asshole!"

If she thought he'd react, then she has to admit that she deluded herself. He doesn't even frown. Instead he keeps the condescending smirk in place and takes a sip of his drink. Apparently, since he's not living with them here anymore, he has given up on trying to impress Bass Senior.

He looks over at Blair again, just when the brunette politely declines the paté de Foie Gras that's being offered to her and instead goes for another glass of Champagne.

"As I said S..." he drawls. "Maybe you should spend a little more time doing your 'best friend duties', and a little less time playing wifey to Brooklyn-boy. Where is the loser by the way? Off somewhere with his lady friend Vanessa?"

The eyebrow he raises is there for emphasis but it isn't needed. His point comes across perfectly without it anyway. She has spent almost all of her time lately with Dan and that hasn't left much time to check up on Blair, even though she had promised her best friend that they would conquer all the shit together when she stopped her from escaping to France.

Chuck however, seems to be in an even more cruel mood than usual, because the unasked for comments just keeps hurling out of him.

"Its funny how Dan and Nathaniel seem to share a taste in girls, don't you think? Maybe your Brooklyn-lover will fight Nate for Vanessa as well?"

He swirls the glass of whiskey again and smirks. "At least you won't have to worry about Dan humping Blair if that theory is right" he finishes, and the dry laughter sounds almost cynical.

She wants to ask him why he added that last thing, but he leaves her standing and saunters off back to Nate and some of the other boys. And when she turns back around to go over to Blair, Elenore is deep in conversation with Bart. Her brunette friend has once again gone MIA.

Across the room Chuck gives her a look as if to say 'See?' and she huffs in annoyance. The devil-spawn is up to something, she can see it in his eyes.

She just can't figure out what that 'something' is.

-b-

She should have worn the black dress instead. It's more slimming and not as 'unique'. And maybe if she had kept her hair down, then her mother wouldn't have slipped that comment about her neck.

She leans against the wall in the upstairs hallway and searches her purse for the emergency stash of Lexipro. Finding them, she pops two pills out of their casing and dry-swallows them. Instantly she feels relieved and she knows that it's totally psychological. The effect wouldn't even be that fast if she had shot the anti-depressants into her bloodstream intravenously. It's probably just the notion that she's doing something that calms her. The notion that she's in control.

She lets her shoulders sink an inch and breathes out slowly, but then she jumps half a feet into the air when a voice breaks the silence in the dimmed corridor.

"What're those pills you're popping?"

The sneaking up is so Chuck-typical that she almost doesn't reflect over the fact that the voice isn't Chuck's. She spins around, ready to spit harsh comments in his face, but instead she's met by Eric's curious expression.

"Eum... it's just vitamins..."

She tucks the purse under her arm and gets ready to sprint out of there, but Serena's innocent little brother shakes his head.

"No it's not. It's clearly anti-anxiety-candy. They fed me loads of it at the clinic."

She frowns but he just keeps smiling. "You shouldn't mix those with alcohol, you know" he says. "You'll get nauseous."

In some way, that comment is so ridiculously ironic that she laughs. She's in this hallway, taking these pills, because every time tonight when she has tried slipping into one of the five bathrooms, the hateful Bass-vermin has been standing right outside the door, hence making it impossible for her to get to her comfort-place. He hasn't as much as glanced at her, only sipped his stupid whiskey and kept charming Lily's friends with his disgusting smirk. And now Eric tells her that the nausea will get worse? Not likely. It's not possible.

She keeps laughing, but the sound is hollow and fake and it doesn't fit into the setting of the dark hallway.

"Don't be silly, little E" she remarks in a condescending voice to mask up that he's hit straight home. "Not everyone are nervous wrecks like you, in need of pharmaceuticals. Why don't you run of and play somewhere else?"

His smile falls and when he mumbles "Why are you always such a bitch nowadays, Blair?" then she almost feels guilty. Her predicament is hardly Eric's fault.

"Grow up" she mutters and shoves past him. "What are you doing up here anyway?"

He looks at her in a way that almost makes her squirm. Brown eyes that seem to know she's lying.

"Serena said to find you. Apparently Chuck accidentally pushed a waitress into the Asian buffé... Bart is furious. She wants you to help her with damage-control."

She sighs. What was Chuck's fucking problem anyway? Couldn't he ever keep out of trouble?

Then she realizes what Bart being furious meant, and she hurries down the hall without waiting for Eric. Although when she finally finds Serena, Chuck is nowhere to be seen. Lily is hysterical though, and her own mom is just making things worse by talking about the divorce-rate on the Upper East Side.

Thank god she took those pills.

Sunday, January 20th 2008

-c-

He doesn't leave the house on Saturday. It just seems stupid to risk it since he knows that Gossip Girl is extra active these days and he's sure that popping his head out, if only for a second, would earn him his own blog-post. Instead he stays inside his suite, watching Entourage-reruns and drinking whiskey. Both activities in an effort to drown all the questions of late surrounding a certain brunette, and to avoid having to think about the fall-out with his dad.

But Sunday comes with clear skies and a feeling that if he doesn't check what's really going on, he will drive himself mad with the endless mind-boggles about Blair and her strange behaviour. So at 3pm he takes a ride in the limo and sees to it that Michael drives by just as the charity event at Bendel's starts.

There are lots of people outside and he sits in the limo until he sees Blair, Serena and Kati arrive and disappear in through the door. For a second he contemplates getting out and joining them at the event, but he decides against it. Walking in here without Nathaniel, or a girl on his arm, would just draw too much attention to him. Instead he calls the number to his father's and Lily's apartment and when the maid answers, he simply asks if Serena is planning on bringing a friend to the Sunday family dinner.

The girl answers that "Yes, Miss Waldorf is coming with her" and he hangs up, feeling content. If she joins the Van der Bass-clan, then he can lean back into the couch without having to think about what Blair is doing. Even if she wasn't coming he wouldn't have gone himself. But he would have seriously contemplated on going to her house to check up on her. She would have yelled at him for sure and called him a stalker, but since she won't be alone, he can guiltlessly stay in his suite and nourish certain 'problems'.

He touches his cheek and winces, before sliding the screen to the driver down. His face still hurts like hell.

"You can drive home again, Michael. I'm done here."

He's done because Blair is where she should be. Serena and the charity event has her covered for now.

And for now he patiently bides his time.

Monday, January 21st 2008

-s-

She's walking with Dan in Central Park, hand intertwined with his and thick scarf wrapped around her neck. It's cold and she can see her breath turn to a smoke-like cloud when she laughs at his funny remarks about the passing people.

They've escaped the 'Van der Bass'-house in order to go grab some hot chocolate, and somewhere along the way they ended up lazily walking the park.

"Isn't that Blair?" Dan says and points towards a figure in the distance, and she laughs again and squeezes his arm.

"What? The girl that's jogging?"

She laughs again but Dan nods.

"Yeah. Isn't it?"

She takes another look and realizes that the girl actually does look like Blair, even a lot. But it's not her. This girl is wearing an oversized sweat-suit and a knitted hat pulled down over her ears. She runs fast and she is surprised that Dan had time to even notice the resemblance.

"Blair doesn't run" she answers and takes a sip of her chocolate. Dan however looks uncertain.

"Are you sure? I mean, I've seen Blair run before. She was down here the other night as well when I went to Butter to pick up Jenny."

"Did you talk to her?"

Dan shrugs. "No, I tried but I guess she was listening to music or something, because she didn't answer."

"And you're sure that it was her?"

"Yes. Positive."

He looks at her as if he thinks that she's behaving strangely, and maybe she is. But the thought of Blair Waldorf pulling on a pair of sweats and going for a run in the kind of dark and scary Central Park is too farfetched to even consider. Yet she watches the jogging girl disappear in the distance and she's actually not so sure anymore. The sweater that the girl had worn seemed strangely familiar.

"Well that wasn't Blair" she says, sounding more confident then she is. "Blair and Elenore are having dinner with the Baizen's tonight."

Dan shrugs again and they walk in silence for a while. Then he rests his arm around her shoulders. Kisses her temple.

"Is there something you're not telling me?" he mumbles softly. "You've been acting a little nervous around Blair lately, and she hasn't been the same since Christmas break... If it didn't sound so weird, I'd say that she's trying to become invisible."

So she's not the only one that sees it? Blair is so distant and silent that she almost forgets that the brunette is next to her at times. And she agrees that it sounds weird, but it's almost as if Blair is dethroning herself. By now, Blair should be busy getting revenge on people. She should be plotting the demise of Jenny, and possibly Chuck as well...

The worst thing is that this new side of Blair comes with such bad timing. She needs her best friend's bitchiness and evil plans if Georgina plans on coming back like she is threatening to.

She sips her chocolate again and sighs. Tells Dan that nothing is out of the ordinary and that she's just tired. But when he looks at her as if he doesn't believe her, she silently admits that she's a bit worried about Blair's recent lack of fighting spirit.

He nods but smiles.

"Maybe she's changing her ways?" he says. "Trying to turn the other cheek and not act as bitchy?"

"Sure..."

Maybe Dan's right, she thinks. But then again, maybe hell has just frozen over too.

Wednesday, January 23rd 2008

-c-

He keeps a much closer eye on her now, and he knows that it must annoy the living hell out of her. She can't do anything at school, because after his little têt a tet with Serena last Friday, the blonde pretty much follows her around.

Still, seeing her at lunch does nothing to improve his already bad mood. He comes back from smoking a joint with Nathaniel behind the school and she is on the stairs with the other girls, although she's not eating. She's nursing a Starbucks paper-cup and he guesses that it contains black coffee. It's stupid and he's not even sure why he cares so much, but the sight annoys the crap out of him. So many times in the past he remembers teasing her about that silly lemon yogurt, and now he actually misses it...

"Saving the food for the starving children in Africa, Waldorf?" he drawls with a bored facial expression when he passes her. "I've always known that charity was important to you..."

She sends him a death-glare back. He hopes for the typical sharp and witty comeback but she says nothing.

And when he hears Kati say "You look amazing Blair. Have you lost weight?" and sees Blair smile contently, then he wants to strangle the bimbo.

Blair isn't stupid. She's been a lot of things but never that. She finds her way around everything, and now that he's seen to it that she can't make herself sick, then she finds new ways to keep her little disorder running smoothly. She eats practically nothing, probably lives on water and black coffee alone, and he figures that she takes every chance to exercise.

It sickens him to know that he can't make her stop, especially after this morning when he realized that he could visibly see the change in her figure. The notion provokes irritation, not just because her behaviour is ridiculous, but also because her actions force him to worry about her. He doesn't want to, but it's fucking impossible to stop.

So when she passes him in the schoolyard after school's out a couple of hours later, he simply grabs her wrist and pulls her towards his car.

"Hey! Bass, what are you doing?"

"Just shut up and get in."

"Aow! Why do you have to be so damn bossy?"

He doesn't answer her. Instead he opens the car door and motions for her to get in, and she does, probably because there are still people inside the school and she doesn't want to attract any attention. Well inside he just looks at her the way he never lets himself do around others. Scans her slowly.

"Why are you still losing weight Blair?"

She just huffs. Rolls her eyes and looks out the window. There is no angry comeback and her hands fiddle nervously with the hem of her skirt.

"I'm not losing weight Chuck" she finally says, but the answer comes a little too late and is a little too weak. Then she reassures "I'm fine, I told you."

He gets ready to spit out the usual 'cut the crap' or 'save me the bullshit' but he can't stop looking at her hands. The way she keeps picking away imaginary lint as if her life depended on it. And instead he finds himself saying;

"Prove it. Have dinner with me and keep it down."

She laughs, but then she probably realises that he's being serious and frowns looking confused.

"Dinner? I wouldn't think you'd want to be seen with me?"

"Who said anything about being seen? Roomservice in my suite will do fine. That way you won't be far from the bathroom when you hurl it all back up."

Maybe he's a little too harsh, but the best way to get Blair to do anything you want her to do is by making her angry, he learned this a long ago. And it never fails.

"Let's go right away" she hisses. "I want this over quickly. I don't want to spend a second extra in your presence."

Somehow it saddens him that this is what their friendship has come down to. Hissing harsh words in secret or yelling in the back of a limo. Why couldn't it have stayed as it was when they spent afternoons making out in her bedroom, or even like before that night at Victrola, when they were actually friends.

Even after all she has done, he still misses their conversations. Her intelligence and wit. Her quick comebacks and manipulative mind, so much like his own. Now none of that is left. Now they're both sucked down into a downwards spiral and he wants to let go of her. Drop her like a hot potato and run in the other direction, but he can't, because in honesty he's afraid of what will happen to Blair if he does.

She's not his responsibility. Truthfully, Nate is probably the one that should be doing this. But his best friend seems set on not showing any concern towards his ex-girlfriend. And Serena is just way too nice.

So that only leaves him.

She doesn't even look at him when they step out of the car, ride the elevator up to the 23rd floor and step into his suite. But he looks at her. She's flawless in her fashion sense, just as usual, but her skirt seems a little to loose and her face looks tired and somewhat sunken in.

"Do you want anything?" he asks as she slumps down in one of his armoire chairs. "A drink?"

"Just call for the food. I want to leave as soon as possible."

And maybe that's for the best.

Sighing, he picks up the phone and calls down to the kitchen. This had all been a spur of the moment thing an he hasn't thought the details trough. What type of food would be best for this? Something light?

A part of him wants to order pizza with extra melted cheese or Italian delizie or pasta Alfredo, just to see her crumble and lose, but when the person answers he hears himself say;

"Bring me two plain omelettes, some fries and toast and some orange juice." And before he hangs up, he adds "And fruit. Make sure you bring some fruit."

Blair watches him silently from her spot in the chair and he wonders for a short second if she ever understood how dead set he had been on changing for her.

Now, it doesn't really matter anymore.

-b-

He lifts the silver hood to uncover the food and she places the white linen napkin on her lap and smirks at him. Just because she's in the company of a guy completely without manors doesn't mean she has to act like a savage.

The omelette smells delicious and the fries are golden brown and perfect. She's not surprised, the Palace Hotel is known for its supreme kitchen.

"If I eat this, you'll be satisfied?" she asks and points towards the food on the plate. It's probably a week's worth of calories but if it'll get him off her back, she might be able to do it. She searches her mental calendar and figures that since there is no event that she has be present at this evening she can always double her work out.

"If you eat that and keep it down, then I will cut you some slack, yes."

He sounds so superior, as if he already knows that she'll fail. But she won't. Has he totally forgotten who he's dealing with here?

"Please, you forget who you're talking to."


"So do you."

"I eat this and prove to you that I'm not bulimic, and you'll stop following me around. We go back to ignoring each other, okay?"

She says it coldly and for a second he almost looks a little hurt. But just almost.

"Sure."

He leans back in his chair, waiting for her to dig in, and she fake-smiles at him to show that the deal is sealed. Just like in the limo, she thinks she can spot a purplish bruise on his cheek, but if it is, then it has to be covered with foundation.

She smirks. The asshole probably just slapped the wrong girls butt again, and asking him about it will only make it look like she cares. Unless…

No.

Instead she picks up the fork and cuts a piece of the omelette. The perfectly cooked eggs on the silver fork wobble a little and she quickly puts it in her mouth before she can think too much.

The second it hits her tongue she knows that this will be a lot harder than she thought. It tastes even better than it smells and as it slowly melts in her mouth she takes another bite. Methodically she eats through half of the yellow omelette before finally spearing a fry on the fork. Chuck is still watching her but when she raises the cutlery he finally starts eating.

It's as quiet as in a grave, the only sound heard is the clinking of silver on thin china. She counts silently inside her head to not just shove the food into her mouth and instead eat slowly in a normal well-mannered way. It's hard, this is the first warm cooked meal she eats in days, and it's only minutes before she starts feeling that guilty nauseous feeling.

The voice starts surfacing in her head, silently at first, but as the fork makes its way between plate and mouth a couple of more times, it grows louder.

Not worthy

You used to be beautiful…

Disgusting

Suddenly the fries seem impossible to swallow but she forces them down with a small sip of the juice. Her plate is still half full and for every second the food on it seems more and more fattening and repulsive.

She takes a silent breath and bites the inside of her cheek. Last time wasn't like this. Last time she could eat like a normal person for most of the time, and then there would be the occasional binging followed by guilty tears and throwing up. Sometimes just a couple of days in between, but still occasional.

Now she starts to realize that occasional is taken out of the equation and replaced with constant. Constant need of control and restraint. Constant guilt.

"Stop looking at me" she says silently and slowly spears another french-fry. Chuck is watching her intently again and it's just making things harder.

'It's your fucking fault', she wants to yell at him. 'You're the bastard that made me feel unworthy in the first place!' But she knows that it isn't true. Her mother had been the first. And then Nate. Chuck had merely been the one that pushed her over the edge.

His intense eyes keep being directed at her and she turns away when the silence is broken by the sound of her stomach growling. It's been empty for days and now it's painfully turning, probably shocked at the amount of food she's handing it.

Breathe Blair… breathe…

"What's the matter, Waldorf? Not feeling well?"

It's probably meant to sound condescending and mean, but the pity shines through and that feels even worse. He's winning, so he should be ecstatic, right? But suddenly he sounds like he wants to have been wrong. She closes her eyes briefly and takes that extra breath. There's still a chance that she could do this and walk out with her head held high.

"I'm fine Bass! I'm just full. Okay?"

He looks down at her half-eaten plate and then back up at her. She hates that his eyes have suddenly gone all soft, and when he mumbles "Okay, you don't have to eat it all…" she wants to kick back the chair and run out of the room.

She wants to command him to not be human all of a sudden. Wants to beg him to keep being an ass and a condescending bastard, because its so much easier to take all this if he's not showing these weird caring sides of himself. The sides of him that used to be saved just for her but that he took away in less than a heartbeat that night in the bar.

She pushes the plate away and stares back at him coldly, refusing to acknowledge the burning lump of tears in her throat.

I don't want you anymore. I don't see how anyone could…

"So can I go? Are we done here?"

The taste of bile is already in her mouth and she actually yearns for the relief she'll feel once the delicious eggs and fries are discarded. But he shakes his head.

"No."

"What?"

Confusion sets in. And panic. She ate, right? Ate a lot more than she has in a long time. And now she needs to get out of here, because it's not only the food inside her that's making her nauseous. Being in this room with him does it too. It makes her think of all the things she had done with the boy sitting across the table from her and the fact that he has touched her and seen her naked. He knows how disgusting she is… he knows

"That wasn't our deal, Blair. You were supposed to prove that you could eat like a normal person, without throwing up. If you leave now then this proves nothing."

"Why are you torturing me?" she asks and hates that her panic is starting to show through the cracks. "Nate would never do this…"

"Well, I thought we established that I'm not Nathaniel. Nate is a gullible loser when it comes to you, but you can't manipulate me like you did him. Haven't you caught on to that yet?"

What is she supposed to answer to that?

"So we just sit here?" she asks and raises her eyebrow mockingly, while trying to ignore the way her stomach turns and turns.

"Yeah."

The clock ticks in the background and none of them say anything for the next few minutes. Then his phone rings and while he answers it she longingly eyes the door to his bathroom.

"Listen Blair, I need to see my father for a second. I'll be gone five minutes at most, just don't go anywhere."

She nods and on the inside she's already smiling viciously. Five minutes? Hell, she needs no more than two. And as soon as the door closes behind him, she's up on her feet and bolts into the safe haven of clinkered walls. She quickly ties her hair back with the rubberband around her wrist and kneels over the toilet, realizing that she doesn't even have to put her fingers in her mouth. The food comes up regardless.

It takes her less than a minute to empty her stomach and she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and starts to get back on her feet to freshen up before Chuck returns. But when she looks up she sees his reflection in the bathroom mirror and she realizes that he's been standing there all along.

His face is sad. Eyebrows furrowed and brown eyes squinting.

"You tricked me…" she whispers, and he nods slowly.

"I hate you."

The words fall from her lips before she can stop herself. And she's prepared for having him give her the disgusted look and the smirk that says he's won. But he just nods again and says;

"I know."

He's just seen her at her most vulnerable. Her least honourable, hunched and puking over a toilet bowl, and all he can say is 'I know'.

Calmly she rinses her mouth with faucet-water and washes her hands. Then she tries to pass him in the doorway, because its time for her to leave now. She has no idea what this means or what will happen now. And she's even surprising herself with the lack of emotional outbursts and yelling and tears. But when she tries to push past him, he just reaches out and stops her. Circles his arm around her and pulls her against him to envelope her in a tight hug.

"No Chuck…" she whispers, but he doesn't let go. He just holds her and hugs her in silence.

She can feel her body go limp in his arms and she closes her eyes and concentrates on breathing. On not feeling.

"Tell me what you need, Blair" he whispers in her ear, and the first tear rolls down her cheek before she even realizes that she's crying. "Tell me what you need to be able to stop this…"

She sucks in a breath and stifles the sobs that are sure to come. The nauseous feeling in her stomach hasn't left yet, but now her racing pulse is adding an even sharper sting to her feeling of numbness.

What she needs? She wishes she knew that herself.

But she doesn't.

Thursday, January 224th 2008

-c-

"She's sick again" he says to Serena as he stops the blonde outside of school the next morning. "Blair is making herself sick."

Serena gives him a weird look as if he's just told her something completely unbelievable and shakes her head.

"No she's not."

"Yes she is."

She shakes her head again and he's already frustrated with her. This is like a game that little kids played in the sandbox. Yes, no, yes, no…

"Don't fucking contradict me" he hisses. "It's not a question. I'm telling you. Blair is sick!"

Serena sucks in a breath and looks at him sternly. Waits a couple of seconds as if to see if he's going to smirk and tell her that he's joking. But he doesn't.

"How do you know?" she then asks quietly. "You don't even talk to her."

He sighs. The blonde is so naïve. But that was the base of all blonde-jokes, right? The blonder the hair, the lesser intelligence. If Serena didn't spend all her time with her tongue down Brooklyn-boy's throat then maybe she would be the one telling him this and not the other way around.

"I've seen her do it. Let's just keep it at that. But I can't fix her so you need to do it."

He can't fix her because he's supposed to hate her. He's supposed to stay far away from her and he's supposed to make sure that tiny butterflies are kept dead and buried.

Serena frowns and makes that little movement with her head that shows that she's getting pissed off. A lioness watching her pray. She's always been like that, little S. Always ready to have her precious Blair's back. Except for at the Shepard's wedding when she was busy being on her own back, spreading her legs for Nate.

"What did you do to her?" she hisses. "Chuck, don't you fucking play games with me. This is serious. If Blair is sick again, then she needs help."

"And that's what I'm saying. Aren't you listening to me?"

He's getting more and more frustrated by the minute. Why the hell would he be standing out here, freezing his butt off waiting for her, if he wasn't trying to make sure of just that? That Blair got help.

"I'm saying that Waldorf is puking again and that I can't help her" he continues. "She's keeping up appearances but if you don't fix her, then she'll crack, okay?"

He turns and starts to leave, feeling confident that this would be taken care of now. Serena had been through this before with Blair so she'd know what to do. But Serena grabs his shoulder and whips him back around and he groans in anger.

"Fix her?" she yells. "I can't just fix her, Chuck! It took a year to get her healthy the last time! What the hell did you do?"

'I tried to make her mine' he thinks, but he doesn't say that. Instead he says; "Nothing! I didn't do anything!"

He tried making Blair his and it backfired. She picked Nate. It wasn't his fucking fault that Nate didn't want her, so why is he feeling so guilty? She did that to herself by running after a guy that obviously had no interest in her, right? He even told her that, and if she didn't listen, then it wasn't his fault.

Honestly, if he could make Nate love Blair then he would. If that would help straighten this situation he'd do anything to make that happen. But he knows Nate, sometimes even better than he knows himself, and he knows that there's no use.

Nate had this view of Blair as this perfect little Stepford wife. A pure and perfectly behaved virgin. And even though Nathaniel had seemed enthralled by the new version of his ex, back when he himself was seeing her, he knows that it had been a simple case of Nate's usual want for what he couldn't have.

Nate would care about Blair, probably for years to come, but he would never love her. And that seemed to be the only thing Blair really wanted.

"I haven't touched her" he says silently to the still unconvinced blonde. "I haven't blackmailed her or said anything stupid. I just know, okay?"

Serena looks like she again wants to ask him 'How?', but then her shoulders drop an inch and she looks extremely tired all of a sudden.

There's a minute of silence while she seems to contemplate what to do. She scans the schoolyard, probably for Lonely Boy of Blair herself, and then she looks at him. There's no anger left on her face, only guilt.

"Thanks Chuck…" she says and sighs. "I need to go talk to her. I'll see you later, alright?"

He simply nods.

What if this didn't work?

If it doesn't, then he has no idea what to do.

..--..

-l-


Author's note: That was the third chapter and the forth isn't far away. I guess some of you feel that I'm concentrating a little too much on Blair, but she and Chuck are after all the main characters of this story and Chuck will get more spotlight soon. I'm in love with all your reviews and I'm so proud that so many of you says that you like my Chuck. Isn't he precious? ;)

Thank you's

Daniel: Baby, thank you so much for the great advice you gave me about the end of this chapter. The alterations really made a huge difference. I can't wait until tomorrow. Love you.

Cheyenne: Hun, I'm still emotional after the amazing thank you that you wrote me in your last Author's note for 'Beauty From Pain'. It was the sweetest thing and I seriously mean it; it made my week. I've missed you lately when work has been in the way of me staying up late, hence not ever running into you on msn. Hopefully that will get better soon and we will get to talk more, like tonight. I miss discussing BC with you and I really appreciated your opinion on this chapter. To sum it up: I love you.

Stefy: My sick little sweetie. You were such help for me with this, but then again, you always are. :D I'm so thankful for the way you even started watching the show just to be able to work with me on this. You're amazing and I hope you know it. I really hope you feel better soon baby. Love you sooo much and I'll make sure to text you tomorrow. Kiss.

And to Corey, who jumped in to cover for Stefy. You rock hun! Maybe me and Chey will be able to fully convert you into a BCer soon. ;)

Gracie: It's so great that we're both not only BLers but also CBers LOL. I just read your new chapter-story and I'm loving it. I also love that this will be a new trigger for updates. You update – I update. ;) And i'm so glad that you're still liking this, because I loved all your oneshots. Review for your new fic is coming up as soon as I get back from Germany.

Sharon (gleechild): I'm glad you're still approving :D And thank you so much for that PM. I'm sorry that I never got around to answering it but I took the liberty to add you on msn. Oh, and by the way; I stick to what I said. I still see you as a well known and very talented CB writer.

Fallen Heart: Well, miscommunication seems to be one of Blair's and Chuck's biggest problems, both in my story and on the real show. But then again, what would be the fun if the just threw themselves at each other and lived happily ever after? ;) Thank you for reviewing.

Chairforever: I'm glad you like long chapters, because I'm really bad at writing short ones (as everybody who's read my One Tree Hill stories know). They tend to get longer and longer further into the story lol. Thank you for your review.

Papillonbelle: The metaphor will come in handy ;) And thanks so much for those kind words hun. :D

Cda489: it's true what you say; everybody loves a bad boy, especially one as hot as Chuck. And maybe he was a little too soft in this chapter? What do you say? Thank you so much for your comment about the dialogue. It made my day.

Msmetaphor: Thank you for those kind words. :D I hope the Blair/Chuck scenes in this chapter was to your content. Dan and Serena are hard for me to write since I feel much more kinship with Blair and Chuck, but I need their p.o.v's. ;)

Blood Red Kiss of Death: I loved that review and you sure proved that you write good ones. :D I hope that you liked this chapter even though it was a little less dramatic in the beginning. The stalking continuous as you can see, and I guess we'll have to see about the CN friendship... ;)

Jem (flipflopgal): I love that you love that Serena is so caring of Blair. And I also love that you're reading my GG story as well as my OTH ones. Thank you :D

Actec18: You finally got your wish and Chuck told Serena. Now we'll have to see what she does with the information... ;) And about Jenny; LOL I suggest you do as Chuck and bide your time. (Just so you know though, I don't like Jenny at all). Thanks for a great review :D

Literati and naley forever: Yeah, Brooke and Lucas was my first love although i have no idea whats going on in the head of Mark Schwan. I love scheming Blair and Chuck, and I promise you that plans will be made, they just have some more acute issues to deal with first. Thank you.

KateWoods: Georgina will be introduced, but I'm a few eppies behind the show lol. See, in this fic Serena didn't just become all chummy with Chuck because she realized that it wasn't him who sent the stuff... But you'll see ;) Thanks for the review.

Dazzledlight: What a great review. Gah. And I agree on all you said; Blair needs Chuck, Serena needs to be less blind and Dan… yeah Dan is just Dan I guess LOL. But you wanna know a great thing? I can make anything happen in this story ;) Thank you so much for all your beautiful compliments. You're making me blush…

Missscarlettbelle: I'm putting Brazilliant in my dictionary. It's a perfect word to me :D Thank you.

D R O W N I N G-I N-S E Q U I N S: I'm doing these thank you's because YOU guys are the bomb. LOL. I wouldn't be writing this if it weren't for the readers that tell me what they think. I'm in love with your review. :D It seems that you and chuck agree on Serenas blondness… oh and by the way, who doesn't love a sweet badass? ;)

GreyRibbon: I think all scenes in a limo is brilliant when it comes to Blair and Chuck LOL. Just look at the 'are you sure'-scene on the show… gah… thanks for your sweet review.

LizaGirl: LOL, my friend Stefy did the same thing and watched it all at once. It's hard to stop, right? Thank you for reviewing.

Sixte3n Candl3s: Thank you hun. I hope I fixed most of the grammatical errors this time. I'm happy to hear that I still have your support though lol. And G will be introduced, but a major part would be pushing it I think. To create brilliance I have to stick to Blair and Chuck ;)

Noirreigne: Chuck is pretty amazing, right? ;) Now if only Blair could see that for real… Thank you so much for your reviews.

Annablakeand Lovetaker101: Thank you! I loved those reviews and I like that I'm not the only one that likes Chuck being jealous of Dan LOL. I want to hug Chuck too. And he is bitter and cynical, but who can blame him? He's in love with Blair, right? :D

Mystripedskirt, Lacquer and Pokey: It makes me so happy that you guys like the different point of views and what I did with the characters. Its hard to do Blair and Chuck justice, but with your reviews I'll keep trying :D Thank you.

BlairCorneliaWaldorfBass, Ramses-Lives, Snea, Sofie, Kitkatbaby611, Darkangel1910, .x.imagine.x., Ella, SpiderMonkey19: thanks all of you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it so much. :D