A/N: Kurt's POV again. Takes place after Bad Reputation. Enjoy :)
It's been 5 days since I received and read the letter Mercedes not-so-subtly slipped into my bag. Since then, I've had no meaningful conversation with my dad or even Carole, and I've been avoiding Finn like the plague.
Well, Finn and I have actually been quite civil to each other. We seem to have mastered the art of skating around the fact that our parents are dating and we have kept our conversations to a minimum. Just four days ago, I stole a CD from Ms. Sylvester's syringe cabinet and he decided to upload it on Youtube. That was probably the first time since this whole debacle started that the two of us were in the same room together and not completely uncomfortable.
Mercedes and I continue to be the awesome duo that we are, but we've never discussed the letters exchanged between us. I didn't want to talk about it, and she never brought it up, bless her. I do know that she's worried, though, because sometimes I catch her looking at me like I'm about 5 minutes away from inhaling a few dozen bottles of Xanax.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I guess I'd be worried too if I ever saw her like this. As much as I try to smile, I end up looking like I'm grimacing. Heh. Grimace. Isn't he a mascot from McDonalds? What's he supposed to be anyway? An eggplant? Sweet potato? Discarded chewing gum?
Aaaaanyway, I'm not trying to mope, really. I'm just having a hard time finding something to smile about. My dad's been spending more and more time either at Finn's place or under a hood of a car in his garage. I've been helping out, but he just kinda doesn't seem to want me there, so I stay out of his way. He doesn't even ask me if I want to come with him when he goes over to the Hudson house, and I wouldn't want to impose by inviting myself. Well, I'm just glad he's happy.
So, as I was saying earlier before I got sidetracked by Finn, Mercedes, my dad, and Grimace, It's been five days and I haven't replied yet. I've been busy, sort of. Actually, I was just about to return these MC Hammer costumes to the drama club. Why on earth they would actually have metallic parachute pants is beyond me, but hey, at least they let us borrow it.
If you must know, Mercedes, Tina, Artie, Brittany and I got down with our bad selves yesterday in the library. Apparently, our bad selves are not bad at all, considering the fact that the librarian asked us to perform at her church. You see, a "glist" has been posted a few days ago and it did not involve us (well, it did involve Brittany, but she wanted to join anyway) so we decided we might as well go nuts to try and get in it. I realize now that stealing from Sue freakin Sylvester was probably more badass than dancing in the library, but I was a little too slow to realize that. So... muppet babies.
I've actually been thinking about what to say to Mercedes about this whole thing between me and Finn and my dad. It would have taken me a lot longer to reply if the events of last night hadn't happened...
(last night)
Snoopy's back. With shaking hands and tears threatening to fall, I begin to write.
Dear Mercedes,
Sorry to have kept you waiting, honey. And sorry about the old-smelling stationery. It's actually a decade old. A gift from my mom before she died. She said I should keep it so I could write to her when she gets to heaven. That clearly isn't happening, so I decided to use it to write to another angel in my life instead.
Cheesy, yes? And I bet you're blushing right now. Who knew I could woo women?
Anyway dear, I decided to write back to tell you that I have not talked to my dad about any of this yet. I don't know what to say, or where to start. He's been really distant lately, and I guess it's partially my fault and everything, but it still stings. When we do talk, it's always just me listening to him talking about Finn and Carole and how wonderful they are. I'm jealous, yes, I admit it. I can't help but wonder if he ever talks about me to Carole.
I quickly learned the answer to that just an hour ago. I made my dad dinner, his favourite since it's been a while since we actually had dinner together. I casually asked him about how his most recent date with Carole went and he told me that he actually had a family dinner with the Hudsons. It stung a little, knowing that I was clearly not part of that "family" dinner thing. What stung a lot more was when he said it was one of the most fun nights he's had recently. I guess I just have to accept the fact that he's having a lot more fun with Finn and Carole than he's ever had with me.
So anyway, I dared to ask him, politely, why he didn't invite me and he said "Oh, I didn't even think about you last night! We were having a blast! That Finn kid is really talented, you know that? Football player, basketball player, good singer too! Carole's one lucky woman. I mean, who wouldn't want a kid like that?". That's exactly what he said, Mercedes. Verbatim. He must've seen the look on my face because he looked like he was about to say something else, but I just excused myself.
I knew it. I knew Finn is his ideal son. No matter how many times you tell me he isn't, Mercedes, the fact is, he is. I do appreciate your effort, though, and I love you for it. I'm trying so hard not to be selfish and demand attention from my dad. He's happy now and if he's happy, I'm happy.
But the problem is, I'm not happy. I have failed him so much over the years that no amount of apologies is ever gonna be enough. I could never make up for the years of disappointment I have given him, for not being the guy's guy that he wanted me to be. I've decided I'm just gonna have to try harder. It's probably not too late for me to form a connection with him, right?
So Mercedes, dear, prepare to see a whole new Kurt... at least as soon as I figure out how to pull it off.
I appreciate everything, Mercedes. Thank you for forgiving me, thank you for writing back, thank you for not mentioning this bizarre conversation we're having on paper when we could just as easily have it in person, just... thanks.
Kurt
