Hello again. Sorry for the late update.
Disclaimer: I do own Gundam Seed Destiny or any of its characters.
Thoughts
[Athrun's POV]
Kira Yamato.
I stood glaring at the enormous windows that stood just outside the changing room, taking in the sight of the Impulse already heading straight towards the Freedom. I arched an eyebrow in curiousity. That was weird. He ignored the enemy mobile suits that he passed by completely. Guess the Freedom's too much of an eyesore for him.
Even as I watched the two mobile suits clash in a sudden fiery battle, I knew Shinn would lose. Unless something completely unexpected happened. I wasn't really worried though. Despite what Kira said, I believed that I still understood him enough that he wouldn't hurt Shinn. And even if he tried, though I really doubt it, I'd try my hardest to intervene.
Now that I think about it, I wasn't sure whether I wanted Kira or Shinn to win. Shinn had helped me a lot lately. I knew that it took him a huge amount of effort to throw away his pride and help me that way. I didn't think I would have been able to do that for someone I barely knew. As for Kira, his words still rang deeply into my ears but I still cared for him enough not to want him to lose. Kira may have mercy against his enemies, but I couldn't really say the same for Shinn.
I frowned. I had a lot of thinking to do. As usual. I couldn't remember a day when I wasn't speculating about something particularly complicated. My head had cleared a lot after crying so hard. Other than the shame that accompanied me in actually bawling my eyes out before my subordinate, I felt kind of calm and... strangely happy. I made a silent promise to myself to try and treat Shinn better. Maybe the day would soon come when we would finally be able to talk with each other without any antagonism and with pure friendliness instead. The idea of a friendly Shinn seemed improbable at the moment but I still believed.
The Freedom dodged a beam neatly which blasted constantly from the Impulse as the latter quickly dived in and took out its sword, going for the close range attack.
Even as I watched their battle intently, my thoughts flew on rapidly. It was probably like what Cagalli had commented about my thoughts a few years back - like a hamster running in its wheel.
After what had happened with Kira, I had begun to start questioning myself. How much did I know Kira exactly? I knew him since the day we were both small little kids who knew nothing of the world. Ignorant and happy. Kids who would laugh delightedly at a flying balloon or anything that seemed funny to any kid out there. During all the time that I knew him, I had thought without a doubt that I knew him the best. He was my best friend. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think he would say all those to me. Now that it had happened, I honestly didn't know what to think.
The all too familiar emotions that had consumed me just a few hours before began climbing up slowly but I pushed them away. This wasn't the time to wallow in self-pity. It was time I began to think about why Kira said all those to me. After all, I had detected some hints of truth in his words that I couldn't deny.
The distant memory of Kira demanding to know why Lacus was attacked by Coordinators flashed in my mind's eye. I had never really thought about it but I knew it meant that something big unknown to everyone was looming somewhere. It was definitely possible that the Chairman was involved. But if he was, it would put everything into a new light. Everything I had done thus far, it would have been... wrong. If Lacus' assassination wasn't under the Chairman's orders, it might have been from a terrorist group.
I sighed. I understood why Kira suspected it was the Chairman's doing. After all, with Meer suddenly appearing after the failed assassination attempt, it wasn't surprising in the least that he thought the Chairman was to blame. I knew I had to try and figure out who were behind it, but I couldn't possibly walk up to the Chairman and ask, right? Well, this is not going to be stroll in the park...
Then there's the question of my allegiance. I had truly believed in the Chairman when I re-enlisted. Although I had found the prospect of fighting again saddening, I really believed that I was doing the right thing. Now, a small tinge of doubt was tugging at the back of my mind. When I had re-enlisted, I had not known the situation with Lacus. If I had known beforehand, I didn't think I would have joined Zaft just yet. Like Kira, I would have waited to find out the Chairman's true intentions before I did something like rejoining Zaft. But would I have agreed to fight alongside Kira? Intervening in another's fight? Was what I'm doing now right?
I couldn't find the answer to that.
Why was it that it was always like this with me? Always, always I find myself questioning my loyalties, my beliefs in doing what is right. During the first Bloody Valentine War, I had followed my heart and defected from Zaft. Was labeled as a traitor and was tried for my actions. Now, if I ever find out that the Chairman was lying, what would I do? Defect? Again? The mere idea of doing so made my insides tighten as if an icy fist was clenched around them.
I didn't want to think of it anymore. But, let's face it, I had to. I looked back and remembered what I had uttered to my best friend - maybe I'm no longer his, but he's still the closest and best friend I ever had.
"And, in the end, if you're wrong, can you make up for all the unnecessary lives you took? Can you?"
If I was wrong, would I be able to make up for all the unnecessary lives I took?
No, I wouldn't.
But I couldn't just fight blindly out there! I joined this war to make a difference, to help to stop this hatred-filled war as soon as possible, to prevent as many people as I could from suffering. But, what if the ones I'm fighting are the ones that I should actually fight alongside with? What if I'm actually feeding the fire, not wiping it out? In the end, would it be better if I just stepped back and simply watch? I wouldn't make it worse, but neither would I help. What, exactly, should I be doing?
At this moment of time, as I watched my ex-comrade and comrade fighting each other, I couldn't help but think that I'm just a burden to everyone. Kira was a person who wouldn't antagonize anyone for anything. I knew, or wanted to believe, that he didn't say all those because he wanted to. Maybe he did it to force me to actually really think about I should be doing. But, even now, I couldn't find the answer. I had so many questions, yet not even one had an answer. Even if there was, it certainly didn't conveniently pop out before me.
Shinn already had his share of suffering. I could hardly believe I had actually troubled him with my own problems. The words that I had uttered did not only seem to bewilder him, they bewildered me as well. Did I really believe that I was my...father? Of course I knew we were two different individuals. Maybe I just lost myself in my moment of grief that I didn't even know what I was saying.
Another sigh escaped my lips. I seem to keep making excuses for myself. I hated this part of me. Always almost immediately thinking up of an excuse every time I did something wrong or...strange. I especially hated the fact that I was always uncertain in what I should be doing. This...indecisiveness really had to go.
Right after Shinn had left the room, I had pulled myself grudgingly onto the bed - I was really stiff after staying in the same position for more than 2 hours. As per normal in my case, my thoughts had completely kicked in as I did a full reflection on myself. It was a habit that I had, that after every time I had a breakdown, I would reflect on everything that I did and on myself as well. And since I rarely had one, the reflections were often long and tedious. Like, hey, reflecting on oneself is not easy. Having to put one's perspective in a totally new light.
One thing for sure, I had to work harder. Put my priorities into order. The first thing I had to do was find out if the Chairman was in the wrong. Though it seemed most unlikely. To do that, I couldn't just confront him. I furrowed my eyebrows as a plan began forming in my mind.
I had decided.
I would confront Meer Campbell.
[Shinn's POV]
"You BASTARD!"
My throat was sore and hoarse from all the shouting and screaming. Really, there should be a...fridge or some sort placed inside this machine. I was damn thirsty. It was a pity that even a Coordinator would go thirsty after shouting so much. Well, the eyes made up for it. Mine didn't even feel tired after glaring at the pilot of the Freedom non-stop during the entire battle. Not that a Natural's eyes would grow tired at glaring someone.
I narrowed my eyes as the Freedom flew under me and aimed for my gun. "You think you can get me that easily? Huh?" I growled as I quickly evaded and took out my sword again. It was a good thing the Impulse was a machine, or it would have grown tired at switching weapons all the time. "Think again, you arrogant asshole!"
I aimed my sword at his machine, carefully trying to avoid his cockpit, and pushed the gigantic sword in. Unsurprisingly, his agility kicked in full swing as he parried the sword away before blasting his thrusters to put in distance between us.
"You're not getting away from me, you selfish jerk! You know what?" I shrieked wildly as I went after him. "I almost lost my commander back there! And it's all your bloody fault!"
The Freedom paused for a second and the small screen flicker on as his annoying face appeared before me. Black rage built up inside of me, nearly suffocating me in its sheer amount.
"YOU BASTARD! WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD DISPLAY THAT MORONIC FACE OF YOURS BEFORE ME, HUH? YOU SON OF A -"
"Wait!" he suddenly spoke up, both of us pausing briefly during our once intense battle.
"Athrun... Was he injured? Is he -"
I found myself torn between feeling both incredulous and pissed off at his bluntness. "You have no bloody right to ask that!"
I felt within myself the same searing rage that always swept through me during every battle that I participated in. The rage that kept me alive and clear-headed. You're not going to escape this time, you heartless jerk.
I feinted to one side and lurched to another, trying to confuse him, before I brought myself nearer to him, my sword at hand. As his mobile suit started to fill my field of vision entirely, Rey's face appeared on the screen.
"Shinn, get back to the ship. The enemy is withdrawing."
I glanced at him distractedly. "What?"
"Head back to the Minerva. We are under orders to fight back unless they fire at us," he repeated patiently. "The enemy is withdrawing, Shinn," he added, seeing my blank stare.
"Oh," I said slowly, realization sweeping through me. By then, the Freedom had already pulled away from me without my realizing it.
"Oh," I repeated, my eyes widening in denial. "What the hell? I-I almost got him!"
Rey's sky blue orbs gazed at me calmly as he smiled. "Yes, you did," he nodded approvingly. "I'm sure you'll get him next time, Shinn. Although, you seem to have not noticed, our ship is quite badly damaged. We only have two operating pilots now, after all."
I frowned. The ship was badly damaged? I tore my gaze from his face and fixed them on the Minerva instead. Horror filled me as I took in the sight. The ship wasn't badly damaged. It was damaged through and through!
"Well, let's get back to the Minerva. I'm sure you're tired as well," the long haired blonde suggested.
I nodded and followed him as he headed for the ship.
I clutched my helmet in my left arm as Rey, Luna and I strode towards the changing room. Luna had greeted us as we came out of our respective mobile suits.
"Shinn! How did you do all that? It's like...as if you suddenly turned into an ace suddenly!" Luna exclaimed excitedly.
I glanced at her and frowned. "You said that the last time as well."
She sighed exasperatedly. "Didn't you see yourself just now? You -"
My frown deepened teasingly. "And how am I supposed to see myself?" I interrupted.
"Whatever, Shinn. But you were amazing today! You totally surpassed every other battle that you had been through!"
"I didn't even take down a single mobile suit today. And I 'surpassed ever other battle'? You've got to be kidding me," I retorted.
As Rey and I walked towards the changing room, I noticed Athrun sitting down on the couch, his back towards me. I shrugged inwardly and followed Rey in.
[Athrun's POV]
I folded my arms and leaned back against the couch, the overpowering sense of exhaustion tugging at the back of my mind. The tiredness that I should have had hours ago had finally caught up me, demanding that I close my eyes and rest. I resisted, though. A part of me groaned at the idea but I wanted to wait for Shinn. There was something I needed to tell him.
Thinking that it wouldn't hurt, I closed my eyes and sighed. It had been such a long time since I could just sit or lie down and rest. It would usually take me hours to fall asleep. Sleeping scared me sometimes. Even after the first war had ended, whenever I closed my eyes, a nightmare would flash before me - images of people I killed, those that I had lost and loved, the destruction of Junius Seven and the moment my father took his last breath. During some part of the night, I might wake up gasping for breath. The nightmares became less frequent after some time, though they never left me waking up in terror for less than twice a week.
The moment my eyelids shut, I couldn't seem to open them again. The unbearably strong desire for sleep overpowered my frail resistance as I fell quickly into a deep slumber.
[Shinn's POV]
I stretched my arms as I left the changing room, intending to head straight towards the dining room for a long-awaited meal. Rey stood outside with Luna, both staring - Luna in awe, Rey in curiousity - at something.
"What are you guys looking at?" I asked curiously, my eyes immediately following their gazes.
Athrun filled my field of vision. Confusion swept through me at that. What was so weird in seeing him sitting on a couch? I took to standing beside Rey and realized why they were staring at him. He was sleeping.
"Are you guys crazy or something? He's just sleeping," I muttered.
Luna started and looked at me wildly, her mouth opening and closing. I noticed a blush creeping across her cheeks and... I nearly lost it.
"Don't tell me you actually... Him?" I asked incredulously.
She gasped. "I do not! Stop giving me crap, will you, Shinn?" She hesitated, glanced at our commander briefly and literally ran out of the room.
Rey watched in amusement, watching her retreating back before staring intently at Athrun again. A tinge of annoyance tingled in my veins as I observed this.
"What about you? Are you in love with him too?" I snapped.
A small but distinct smile crept across his features. "You aren't jealous, are you?" he asked, nearly throwing me off balance at his abrupt question. "Just kidding, Shinn. It's not everyday you see him -" he gestured towards our commander "- that way."
"Right," I agreed sarcastically.
Rey shrugged. "I'm going to the dining room. Coming with me?"
I hesitated. I wanted to eat and drink badly but somehow, a part of me told me not to leave just yet. "Nah. I have things to do first. You go ahead."
He nodded, a knowing look in his eyes, and left the room.
I settled down beside Athrun and couldn't help but look at him. His arms were folded in front of him, gently moving as he breathed in steadily. I had thought that he appeared calm almost every time we met. But now, his face had an expression of pure calmness. When I compared his previous expressions that displayed calmness with the current expression on his face, his previous ones seemed somewhat similar to a nicely hidden scowl.
I thought about my options as I flicked my gaze towards the clock. I could wait for him to wake up, though I would probably wait for hours. I doubt he would wake if a tornado blew the roof off. Another option was that I wake up him up, but I could barely bear to move in case I woke him up. Of course I could always walk out and talk to him another time. I mean, what was I going to say anyway? 'Hey, you look kind of human when you're asleep?' I shook my head aggressively. What was I doing here?
I took one last look at him as I finally made a decision. I stood up and started to walk towards the door. That is, until my right foot suddenly slammed into the table, causing my face to suddenly meet the cold, hard floor. I groaned as I recovered from the shock of falling. I heard a shuffling from behind me but ignored it as I felt my head throb with a dull ache.
"Damn it," I muttered.
"Couldn't even watch your step?"
I looked up and a hand appeared before me. I narrowed my eyes in irritation but I accepted it anyway. He helped pull me up, before asking if I was okay.
"I'm fine," I snapped, my temper already flaring up. Why did I have to fall before him of all people? "Thanks," I added grudgingly.
"My pleasure," he grinned, a laugh threatening to erupt from his mouth.
I turned away from him and settled on the couch, rubbing my sore temple. I ignored the older teen as he carelessly flopped down beside me.
"Well, that was some battle out there," he began. He looked at me for a second, as if trying to decide if it was worth mentioning. "Why did you ignore all the mobile suits except for the Freedom?"
I locked gazes with him. He noticed that? What the hell? I tore my gaze away and stared at the clock, its second hand ticking slowly. "I don't know. Maybe he annoyed the hell out of me?"
I felt him staring at me intensely but I resisted the urge to turn. "Really? I see," he finally said. "What did he do, anyway? To antagonize you to the point where you actually ignored the ship's welfare?"
I felt heat rush into my cheeks as he spoke. "I did not! I just didn't notice it. Besides, if I fell back to help the ship, that damn pilot would have -"
"Would have stopped and let you go. Don't lie to me, Shinn. You know he would have done that." He arched an eyebrow at me expectantly.
"Fine! I was angry at him, alright! That anger completely clouded my mind! I couldn't think. I didn't even know that the ship was in bad shape. If I knew the ship was in real danger, I would have gone to help all of you!" I growled exasperatedly.
"Okay," he said slowly, assessing my reaction carefully. "And why were you angry? With him?"
"Must you push it?" I snapped. "What's so strange with me or anyone else in particular getting angry with an enemy in a war? Don't tell me you've never felt angry with anyone during the previous war?"
I expected a retort but none came. Curiousity overwhelmed my pride and I turned to look at him. The irritation and slight anger that I had felt moments before fell away instantly when I saw his expression. Different kinds of emotions were sweeping through his face. Sadness, anger, loss, longing, and more sadness. A few other emotions appeared that I couldn't quite place. Envy? Hope?
He slowly pulled himself together, a small smile stretching across his face. "Of course I was, Shinn. Who could possibly go through a war without feeling angry at someone for one reason or another?" he whispered.
He's not going to... He's not going to break down again, is he? I thought in horror. He glanced sideways at me and I sighed in relief. His composed mask was back on his face.
"You haven't answered my question. Why were you angry with him in the first place?" he prompted.
I rolled my eyes. So much for relief. "Alright, alright," I held my hands up show that I surrendered. I took a deep breath. "I was angry at him because he very nearly took you away from us."
He continued staring at me, his face drawing a complete blank. "But I'm... alive. I wasn't in danger whatsoever. Well, you get what I mean."
I sighed again. "You're such a dumbass, you know that? That bastard left you defenceless against any enemy that could have found you in the ocean! And the probability of that happening was very high! Do you know, if any enemy had found you, that you wouldn't stand a chance? No one would have been there to help you!"
I waited impatiently as realization finally dawned on him. "Oh... I see," he suddenly grinned. "Didn't know you cared that much, Shinn."
My eyes narrowed dangerously. "Shut up, you idiot."
"Oh, and yeah. Why do you sound so hoarse? You sounded fine this morning."
It was my turn for my face to draw a blank. "Uh..."
His grin grew wider as he figured out the obvious, much to my annoyance. "You were shouting a lot out there, weren't you? What were you shouting? To actually have your voice grow hoarse after about only 2 hours?"
When I didn't answer, he laughed delightedly like a little kid. The sound perked me up a bit, it being the first time I ever heard it. "What?" I stared at him when he didn't continue.
"Let me guess. You were shouting... expletives?"
"Yeah, and what about it?"
"You sure have a wide range of vocabulary."
"Thanks so much," I said drily.
There was a slight pause between us as he shifted to look at me. I locked gazes with him as his expression became dead serious.
"Shinn, I have something important to tell you."
Sorry about the fighting scene. I'm totally useless when it comes to fighting scenes.
Please review! It would really boost my morale to know that people are actually reading my fan fic.
