The TOP ALE ATE SHOES OF WHIP In the Winter

You know what's weird? The word count FFN gave me for the first chapter is exactly one more than the word count it gave me for the second one...

I'm sure it happens often, given the amount of stories written, but it's a new thing for me.

Anyway, would it be too much to ask for a review? I'd just like to know if this is any good, and what your favorite part was. Please?

Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Let's play that one game, with the two truths and a lie? Okay, I'll go first. I don't own this story. I have a pet hippopotamus. I am Batman. (The lie was...I don't have any pets.)


Previously, on this fanfic:

Elizabeth glanced at Sirius momentarily, then looked at Lily. Her eyes lingered upon the other girls' for a moment, then flew back to meet James'.

"Well, James, as I was saying," Elizabeth continued,

"I just wanted to know if you'd like to accompany me to Hogsmeade next weekend."

To say that James and Sirius were shocked would have been a drastic understatement.

Their shock was so immense, that if it had been a tangible substance, like iron or water, and then they took it and froze it and made a brick out of it, it would have been huge. And it would be a very dense substance. Like, 13.9 times the density of water. So, yeah. HUGE. Like, bigger than huge. 'What's bigger than huge?' I hear you cry. This is. This is bigger than huge.

So, yeah, lot's of shock.

But, now, Lily's amount of shock...well, that was something else.

Sirius was the first to recover, and many courses of action flashed through his mind before he settled on, obviously, the most brilliant and logical one.

He cleared his throat very loudly.

James and Lily started.

Well, James started.

Lily jumped about a foot in the air.

Elizabeth started because Lily jumped.

Then Sirius started because he felt a bit left out.

James realized Elizabeth was still waiting for an answer. Determinedly looking at Elizabeth instead of Lily, he began to reply.

"Well, you see, Elizabeth...I...well, I think I'd like-"

As he began talking, Lily realized what he was about to say. He was going to say yes. He was going to go out with another girl. He was going to go out with Elizabeth. Forget that she'd just called Elizabeth nice and all those good things, like smart and pretty. Elizabeth deserved a Lily Evans Death Glare (patent pending). But not yet. Because James was about to say yes.

That had to be stopped.

Lily did the first thing that came to mind.

She grabbed James' arm.

"...I'd like-" James looked at the hand on his arm. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that, connected to the wrist of that hand, there was another arm. At the end of that arm, he saw the rest of Lily's body. She was smiling at him, and there was an insane look in her eyes.

"But, James," she said, erm...what's the word? Well, there isn't really an appropriate adjective that can describe the exact tone of voice and emphasis with which she said it...but the closest description would probably be to say that she said it like a slut.

"We didn't have that date set yet, James," Lily continued, like a slut. "We were going to discuss whether that would be this weekend or next weekend at the next Heads...meeting." She placed special emphasis on that last word, for reasons unknown to James, Sirius, and Elizabeth.

"Y'know, our meeting, later tonight, in our own, private common room?" Lily lowered her voice seductively as she said this, and put her hand on James cheek, making sure he was looking right at her.

James visibly gulped as she traced his jawline.

"Yes, we have lots of things to...discuss, later tonight, in our common room, just the two of us...so I don't really think you should accept any invitations yet."

This monologue of Lily's only took a few seconds, but Elizabeth got the message.

"Oh...I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't realize you two were together. I'll see you around, James." She turned to leave.

Elizabeth's voice pulled James back to reality.

"No, wait!" he called. "No, Lily isn't my girlfriend! We're just friends, I swear!"

"Really? That doesn't seem to be the case."

"Really! We're not together!"

"Yeah, right," Elizabeth muttered. Then, raising her voice, she continued, "Well, you still need to...er...discuss the date, at your...meeting. See you, James."

She turned and left.

James sighed and turned to face Lily.

Lily was giving Elizabeth's back her almost-patented Lily Evans Death Glare.

"Good riddance," she said, then turned to James. "She was not at ALL right for you, darling."

"W-w-wha-what?" he spluttered. "You were just saying she was nice, and telling me to be happy with her!"

"No, I wasn't." Lily steadily avoided looking at him.

"Yes, you were! Admit it, Lily, you were jealous."

"Jealous?" Lily said innocently, curiously. Then she gave a mirthless, insane laugh. "Me, jealous? Of her? Ha! No way! Why would I be jealous? It's not like I'm your-your-your girlfriend, or anything! I'm not jealous! After all, we are best friends. Friends forever."

And with that, she left as well.

James slowly turned to Sirius.

"What the hell was that?" he asked.

Sirius was grinning triumphantly.

"That, my dear Prongsikins, was our friend Ms. Evans passing my tests. Or, failing them, I guess. I don't really know."

"How did you know she'd be like that?"

"The author of this story decided to make me incredibly intelligent about this area of life, in order for there to be a plot in his story."

"What?"

"I mean, she's easy to read."

"Oh. Okay."

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Prongs."

"I'm alright, Padfoot."

"D'you believe me now? Don't you see that you need to move on? She bloody admits she fancies you, then tells you to find another girl. When that girl pops up, she acts all flirty with you to get her to leave, then denies being jealous. That girl is clearly insane."

"Pads, I agree with you about moving on, but, obviously, that's going to be kinda hard to do."

"I know, buddy, after loving a girl for six years it's hard to let go-"

"No, I mean, did you see what she just did? It's like I'll have to sneak around behind her back to even have a shot at moving on."

"That's a good point."

"What should I do?"

"Beats me, Prongs."

"That's all you have to say? C'mon, Sirius, give me some advice!"

"Snog Lily senseless and convince her to have your children. Then fly to Vegas, get drunk, marry her, fly back, tell her you're going to get your marriage annulled, but don't, then, after she has your baby, tell her you're still married, and say that you should stay married for the sake of your love for her and the feelings she has for you. Oh, yeah, and for the sake of the baby, that's important-"

"Never mind, Pads, the whole 'beats me' thing was better."

James sighed resignedly and dropped his head into his hands.

Sirius watched his brother. He made a decision.

"I'll talk to her, Prongs."

James looked up.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Sirius looked determined.

"Thank you so much, mate."

"No problem. I'll convince her."

"How do you know?"

"Prongs, I know you, and I know Lily. I'll convince her. See, I'm determined, and that is how I will triumph."

James laughed. "Pads, I appreciate this and all, but that was really cheesy."

Sirius glared at James momentarily. "I may be many things, but I am not cheesy. Lily's still confused, but since I'm determined, I will break down her defenses, and use her own goodness and love for you against her. I will convince her."

James looked at Sirius with slight shock and awe in his eyes.

"Be careful out there, Padfoot. Lily's dangerous when angry."

"Don't worry, James," he replied coolly, "I have a plan..."