Chapter 2

The following week Nate had noticed a little less shots taken at him by the team and a few more smiles. Although he was apprehensive about how long it would last, it was nice to see. Strangely enough he felt slightly more valued by his team than he did before the holidays, but that would soon change.

The week he had been dreading was finally upon him: psychological evaluations. This would be a week of pulling teeth, pulling hair, pulling strings to get anything he could out of his agents just so he could figure out whether they were handling undercover work well enough to stay on the team. He hated to think what would happen if he had to take one of them off the team for psychological issues, that would be like professional suicide to his career at NCIS OSP.

Nate decided to check in with Hetty before setting out on his daunting task of psych evals. He walked over to her office and knocked on the wooden post outside her area. "Nate," She said glancing up from her computer pleasantly surprised, "What can I do for you Mr. Getz?"

Nate stepped forward, "I'm starting psych evals on the agents and I could use some more of your sage advice."

"Well I don't know if I'm qualified, but I'll give it my best." Hetty replied gesturing for Nate to sit down.

Nate took a deep breath in then spit it out, "I'm worried about some of our agents and their emotional state of mind. This has been a tough year with Callen getting shot and Macy's death. Our case load is getting heavier and yet the agents are talking to me less and less each day about what's going on inside of them and about their undercover work." Nate said concerned.

"Is there a particular agent you're referring to?" Hetty prodded.

"Yes and no. I'm worried about all of them and yet the one I'm most concerned about is Callen." Hetty began to open her mouth when Nate put up his hand to cut her off, "I know he's a survivor and he can take the weight of the world if we handed it to him. I'm not worried about him hurting himself or anyone else like I am with some of the other agents, I'm worried about his judgment especially as team leader. I know he'll survive, but what state of mind he'll come out with in the end concerns me."

Hetty nodded and took a deep breath. "I see your point Mr. Getz. It is entirely possible that Mr. Callen will drive himself mad with the weight of the stress his life carries. I try to talk to him about it when I can, but he's so closed off even to me most of the time and I'm not a psychologist."

"I need him to trust me, but I'm finding that unless I'm out in the field with a gun in my hand playing along with his rouse and watching his back he won't respond to me. I don't know where to start with Callen or how to start building that trust. Everything I've tried has failed. I need some leverage, something to at least get the door open." Nate said to Hetty hoping she might have the leverage he needed.

Hetty paused looking at Nate debating on whether to divulge what she knew about Callen that Nate did not. "Mr. Callen is a soldier. Retreating or giving up are not words in Mr. Callen's repertoire. If he sees you as the enemy, you'll never win. It will be a fight to the death, but if you are on his side, then you are his brother and he will do anything to protect you, and he may just allow you to do anything to protect him."

"Okay," Nate said thinking to himself, "So then how do I show him I'm on his side? If I can't get him to trust me then I can't-"

"Listen, Mr. Getz, just listen." Hetty answered. Nate didn't understand. "I believe Mr. Callen has reached out to you numerous times, have you reached a hand back?"

Nate was confused, "What do you mean?"

"Was it not only just a few weeks ago that he approached you alone? Something out of character for Mr. Callen."

"Yes, but he also made it very clear that I was not to help him and to stay out of his head." Nate replied.

"Do you remember earlier that day when you were interviewing Lance Corporal Olin?" Hetty asked. Nate nodded, "Did Mr. Callen not reach out to you in that interview?"

"I remember him vaguely describing his time in Fallujah. We've talked about it in our debriefings, but always in the same vague manner." Nate replied.

"Yes, but you talked about it. When you push for more information he stonewalls you, but he brought it up because he trusts you enough to tell you about something so horribly painful. Do you know he has never brought it up with me Mr. Getz?" Hetty asked.

Nate shook his head somewhat in awe, "No, I was unaware."

"As tough as Callen is, he's also very fragile. Everything he's been through is a piece of him, a part of his identity. If he thinks you're taking it away, then he'll crumble and he'll fight you and you will lose Mr. Getz. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Hetty suggested with a more forceful tone.

Nate nodded his head and smilled slightly. "Ok. I think I understand. Thanks."

He stood up and walked out of Hetty's office to begin the daunting task of rounding up the cavalry for psyche evals. He was still confused about his conversation with Hetty, but felt like he had been pointed in the right direction, or at least been given a starting block. I need to show Callen I'm on his side. I need to get him to trust that when he gives up a piece of himself he won't break and that if he does I'll be there to pick up the pieces. He needs to see that I've got his back.

Nate needed a new strategy. He knew what he had to do, he had to share a part of himself, give a piece of himself to Callen to hold, to trust Callen first. He knew if he could trust Callen to protect him then maybe Callen would let Nate return the favor, maybe that would be the open door Nate needed. He knew Callen had strong protective instincts, maybe Nate could use those instincts to help him; at least he had to try.

Callen was sitting at his desk doing paperwork in the bull pen alone. The rest of the team had scattered. This was his opportunity to pull him aside. "Hey Callen, know what today is?" Nate said with a goofy smile.

Callen didn't look up from his paperwork, but responded with, "Wednesday."

Nate made a funny looking face then replied, "Actually its Thursday."

Callen looked up at Nate in surprise, "Really? Ok."

"Actually," Nate pushed on as Callen returned to his paperwork, "Its that time of year again. Psych evals."

Callen breathed out heavily and replied still not looking up. "Ok? And you want…?"

"Well, I thought in the spirit of role modeling for the rest of the team, that maybe you would be willing to be first?" Nate knew that Callen would take the bait. He was making great strides to be a better role model around Nate and not pick on him quite as much and in that regard he couldn't turn down Nate's request.

Callen threw his pencil down and looked up irritated, but knowing Nate was right. "Fine. Let's get this over with." Callen stood up and walked past Nate toward his office not waiting for Nate to follow. Nate exhaled, prayed for strength, then turned and followed Callen down the hall. This eval was going to be just as hard for Nate as it would be for Callen, maybe even harder because Nate had to be vulnerable in front of an agent he was trying to help. Everything he learned in school taught him not to reveal too much about himself to a client, not to get too close, but with Callen it might be his only chance to save him.

Callen sat down on Nate's couch and Nate sat in a chair facing the couch. He flipped open Callen's very limited file and jotted some notes down before looking up at Callen who seemed anxious, irritated and impatient. His body language definitely told Nate he had no desire to be here and was simply placating Nate. Nate looked at Callen debating on what to say. He knew what he had to do, but uncertain of how to start so he just sat staring at Callen. Finally, irritated with the silence Callen spoke first.

"So are we going to do this? Today?" Callen asked.

Nate nodded his head, looked back down at Callen's file then back up, "Lets talk about you getting shot earlier this year."

Callen rolled his eyes, "We've been over this Nate. I'm fine."

"How's the insomnia? Getting any sleep yet," Nate concerned.

"Its…fine." Callen replied. "I sleep just fine." Of course he still wasn't sleeping, afraid to close his eyes for fear he would see her face or feel the burning in his chest again. Every time he closed his eyes he heard Sam's distraught voice telling him to hang on, he saw her standing on the corner waving at him, and he felt the pain of hot metal burning his insides. No, sleep was out of the question unless he was drunk.

Nate nodded knowing full well that it was a blatant lie, but looked down and wrote something on Callen's file anyway and moved on, "How about the flashbacks?"

Callen looked up at Nate, somewhat scared. He didn't remember telling Nate about his flashbacks. He tried to play it off, "What flashbacks?"

Nate exhaled, "About the shooting. The ones where you're playing the shooting over and over in your head."

"I don't know what you're talking about Nate," Callen said nervously smiling. How did he know? I haven't told anyone? "I'm fine Nate. No flashbacks, no insomnia, nothing. I'm fine."

"I know you're reliving it." Nate said speaking softly leaning in closer to Callen. He could tell Callen was feeling anxious about Nate's probing.

"You don't know anything Nate." Callen replied forcefully. "Don't sit there and pretend like you know what its like, because you don't. You're not out there every day with us getting shot at, always looking over your shoulder hoping no one recognizes you, afraid to call any place home for too long for fear you'll be made. Don't you dare sit there and tell me you know, because you don't."

Nate leaned back in his chair and exhaled with concern. He had just learned more about Callen in the last five seconds than he had the last year. So many angles he could play, so many questions he should ask, but he kept in mind what Hetty told him. If he asked the questions he wanted he knew he would only get a stonewalled answer, but if he proceeded the way he planned he might be able to turn the conversation in his favor. His mentor taught him to always listen to his head and then his heart, always in that order omitting neither, so that's what he did.

Nate put Callen's file down on the table next to him and clasped his hands together leaning forward again toward a distraught and excited Callen. He stared at Callen for a moment then spoke in a solemn voice. "I may not be in the field, I may not know what undercover work is like first hand, but I know loss, I know loneliness, and I know fear."

Callen looked up at Nate intrigued by what he was hearing, but also cautious about whether it was a trick to get him to open up. Nate stood up and walked over toward the window. He took several deep breaths, then continued.