Nate leaned back in his chair finally relieved. He had a big smile on his face as he looked over at Callen. Nate quietly chuckled. Callen smiled back, "What? You laughing at me?"
"No. Not at all." Nate replied.
"Well what then?" Callen said defensively.
"You're determination to survive is," Nate paused trying to find the word, "inspiring to me." Then his face saddened a little, "I wish my mom had the same determination." Nate looked down at the ground.
"Hey," Callen said and Nate looked up. "Me too." Nate smiled softly appreciating Callen's comment. "That's why you were so sad on Christmas Eve, huh?"
Nate was always surprised at how perceptive his agents were. They were just as good, if not better profilers than he was most days. "Yeah. My grandparents passed away several years ago and now it's just me and my mom. The holidays can get pretty lonely."
"I know the feeling." Callen said in the same solemn manner. "So Doc, tell me what the next step is."
Nate exhaled deeply. He knew Callen wasn't going to like it because it would require letting him in his head, the last thing Callen wanted. Even though he was willing to move forward now, he had a feeling he might get stonewalled before they even started, but right now Callen was being open minded, so Nate went with it.
Nate put on his psychologist face, looked observingly at Callen and began with the easier questions first, "Well, tell me about the flashbacks."
Callen squirmed on the couch for a minute, then stood up and began walking around the room. Nate sat in the chair observing both verbal and non-verbal cues. Reading Callen was always difficult, but right now Callen was like an open book to Nate. "I'm standing on the street corner. Sam just dropped me off from the case we were working with Gibbs and Macy. I see Aleina on the corner across the street, but I don't know it's her. I just think she's the Russian girl next door who waves to me regularly." Callen breathed heavily, but his voice was unwavering. "Then there are sounds of gun shots. I'm still looking at Aleina, but the look on her face changes to complete and utter horror. Its only then I feel the bullets burning holes in my body. Then I hear Sam's voice telling me to hold on. The pain is so strong that I pass out, but before everything goes blank her distraught face is the last thing I see. Then that's it, just darkness and pain."
With a gentle voice Nate asked, "What does it feel like?"
"I don't know. It hurts." Callen said a little irritated.
"Not physically Callen, what does it feel like emotionally?" Nate asked again.
Callen hesitated. His heart began pounding so fast and hard he thought it might come out of his chest. Nate could see his breathing become labored. "I don't know."
"Try to think of one word that could sum up what is going through your mind when you relive it." Nate suggested.
Callen thought for a moment, that was something he could do. This smaller task seemed easier, one word. The first word that came to mind was the one word he wasn't willing to admit. He looked up at Nate and Nate noticed that he was trying to hide what just popped into his head, the word he would give wouldn't be the first word that came to mind. "Sadness."
"Why were you sad Callen?" Nate said calmly.
Callen was fidgeting, looking around the room trying not to make eye contact with Nate. Nate noticed. "Because I didn't recognize her."
"Aleina?"
"Yeah." Callen nodded walking around the room again pacing.
"Were you afraid at all?" Nate prodded.
Callen stopped pacing and hesitated answering Nate's question, "I've been shot at before," Callen replied shaking his head. "No, I wasn't afraid." Fear was the first word that came to Callen's mind, but he wasn't a victim, he refused to be afraid or admit he was afraid at one point.
"You've been shot at before, but this is the first time the bullets actually hit you." Nate noticed Callen seemed to be getting irritated with his line of questioning. "It's only natural to feel some type of fear when your life is threatened."
"I told you Nate, I'm not a victim." Callen said defensively.
"You were the victim of a shooting?" Nate challenged.
Callen stopped pacing and thought for a moment looking up at Nate. "I guess that's true." He replied very matter-of-factly.
"Let me ask you something else that I bet no one asked you before," Nate said looking up at Callen. "What are you afraid of?"
Callen sat back down on the couch and some sense of calm seemed to overtake him as he rattled his brain for an appropriate answer.
"Callen, the first word that comes to mind. Just blurt it out and we'll go from there. Anything you tell me stays between us, you know that." Nate said encouragingly. Callen simply glared at Nate uncertain of how to answer.
"What are you afraid of Nate Getz?" Callen said turning the tables.
Nate wasn't happy that Callen was changing the subject, but he was learning that to get a little from Callen you had to give a little. It was like bargaining emotions with Callen. Nate responded, "Honestly, I'm afraid of losing my mind like my mom. I'm afraid of not being strong enough to survive this tough business of living."
"Tough business of living?" Callen said somewhat confused.
Nate leaned back in his chair, "Yeah. Life is hard for everyone Callen; certainly not as difficult for everyone like it has been for you. All of us struggle in some way, but not all of us survive it, not all of us want to." Nate's voice got softer as he realized the direction this conversation could go and he feared what he might hear Callen say. The topic of suicide was the last conversation he wanted to have with Callen; he simply didn't want to head down that road and stumble upon something real.
Callen looked back at Nate who's eyes always seemed to be gentle and warm no matter what mood he was in. "There was a moment, maybe a second, after I got shot that I heard Sam's voice telling me to hold on. Only a second where I wanted to tell him no, where I wanted to pack it in. I'd never felt like that before in my life. After all the crap I've been through not once did I ever think about giving up, but lying in Sam's arms with blood oozing out around me I thought that I finally had my chance to walk away, to give in, to say I'm done."
"But you didn't?" Nate continued.
Callen had a dazed look on his face, "No."
"Why?"
Callen paused for a minute, "I don't know." Then he realized what Nate was getting at.
"You have to do better than that Callen." Nate challenged.
Callen nodded to himself and walked back over toward Nate, "Maybe I was afraid." Callen admitted to himself for the first time. It was as if he was having an epiphany. He finally understood why he was having a hard time coping, why he couldn't deal with what happened. He couldn't fight an enemy he did not know; he couldn't survive a war he didn't know how to fight.
Nate finally broke through, the doors were open and he could see the wheels turning round in Callen's mind. It was if all the pieces of the past few months started falling into place. What he was feeling, why he couldn't sleep and why his heart would beat so hard it felt like it would pound right out of his chest. The walls were falling down and Callen was opening up, a surprise to both men.
"I was afraid of death. I was afraid of leaving you all behind." Callen said surprisingly.
Nate nodded, "Yeah, you were."
"I never feared death. In all my years in the service, with the DEA and NCIS not once did I fear getting shot or dieing. In fact, I always hoped I'd die in the service to my country."
"Why is that?" Nate prodded gently.
"I guess its so I wouldn't have to face all the big life decisions that I feared like marriage, family, kids and growing old." Callen paused and looked at Nate who was listening intently to Callen's every word. "Nate, I think I wanted to die. I never wanted to live to be this old."
"Do you think that's why you joined the Army and why you always volunteer for the most dangerous jobs?" Nate asked.
Callen sat down with a look of wonderment on his face, "Maybe."
Nate leaned back in his chair concerned about what Callen was saying, but relieved that he was talking. "So you put yourself in situations where the risk of death was high and when the day finally came where you had a choice between life or death you chose life."
"So weird. Wow. Is this what healing feels like?" Callen asked somewhat in shock.
"It can. Don't get too far ahead of yourself, you're in shock Callen. Just take a deep breath and pace yourself."
"Pace myself? Doc this is insane." Callen started getting riled up and anxious again. Nate knew it would only be a matter of minutes before the high of the epiphany would pass and reality set in. Callen was standing on the edge of a cliff and Nate knew he was about to fall fast and hard, but Nate was prepared. He had Callen's back, he was there to catch him when he fell and pick him back up. This was his job, this is what he lived for, this was his mother's legacy to him.
Nate carefully watched and observed Callen's every move as Callen paced around the room in excitement babbling about his revelation trying so hard to hold back the storm that was trying so hard to break through his mask. All the reasons he wanted to die, all the horrible things that happened to him, all the misery and loneliness was creeping out. He began to tremble and his breathing became labored. Nate stood up and put his arm around Callen and brought him back to the couch. "Just breath Callen. I'm here, just breathe." Callen bent over holding his stomach as if his insides were being ripped out of him. He didn't yell, he didn't cry, he just sat silently with his head in his lap, consumed with the darkness his life had become. Nate sat next to him on the couch rubbing circles on his back to comfort Callen as a mother does for their frightened child after a horrible nightmare.
Twenty minutes passed before Callen came up for air, his face and eyes bright red. Nate looked at Callen and smiled comfortingly at Callen. "How are doing?" Nate asked.
"Not feeling so hot Nate." Callen said as if he was in pain.
"I know. It'll pass Callen. I'm here. I've got your back. I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise." Nate said calmly still rubbing Callen's back.
"I wanted to die Nate." Callen admitted.
"Do you think you wanted to die or you just wanted the pain to go away?" Nate asked apprehensively afraid of what Callen's answer might be.
"A little of both I suppose," Callen answered.
"But you didn't die Callen. You held on despite what you wanted the most. Do you know why?" Nate asked. "Because you're a survivor."
"I've lost everything Nate," Callen said in a calmer voice putting is head in his hands.
Nate lifted Callen's head up to make eye contact with him, "You haven't lost me, or Hetty, or Sam, or Kensi or Eric."
"Its only a matter of time." Callen said sadly.
"Maybe, but Callen we all lose people we love. It's a natural progression of life, and it's the part of living that's the hardest for you." Nate said.
"Don't you shrinks have a name for something like that? Fear of abandonment? Attachment disorder?" Callen asked.
Nate looked away from Callen's penetrating eyes then back at Callen with sad eyes, "Yes. Most people who grow up in the environment you grew up in develop these issues," Nate's voice cheered up as he continued, "but its those issues that make you so perfect for this job. They are also the same things that can destroy you if let them. Why do you think there is a full time Operational Psychologist on the team? It's to help all of you manage your traumas, attachment disorders and other issues that make you imperfect to the rest of the world, but perfect for this job."
"I thought it was so you could fix us?" Callen said jokingly.
"I was always told not to attempt to fix what wasn't broken." Nate said with a smile on his face, "You're not broken Callen, you're not a victim of anything more than a shooting, and you're not unwanted or forgotten. You're simply G. Callen. A man with a sad, yet inspiring story."
Callen sat and thought for several minutes about what Nate said. Finally he took in a deep breath and exhaled feeling a sense of relief, as if he were twenty pounds lighter than when he woke up this morning. Nate looked over at Callen and finally asked in a gentle voice, "How do you feel?"
Callen smiled then looked back at Nate, "Lighter."
Nate patted Callen on the back then returned to his desk opening Callen's file. He looked up from his desk for a moment and said, "Take it easy today. You might find that you're feeling lighter, but you're also fragile. Don't be surprised if you feel a rush of adrenaline, your heart starts pounding or you feel dizzy for no reason. The littlest things will set you off. Just remember what we talked about, remember the flashback technique I told you and remember that I'm just down the hall if you need anything." Callen nodded understanding what Nate was saying, "I'm standing you down for the next few days, I want you to hang around here, get your bearings, do some paperwork, think, process and we'll talk in a couple of days."
Callen wasn't thrilled about Nate's short leash, but given what he had just gone through, he couldn't disagree. "A few days? No, lets get it all fixed right now." Callen urged.
Nate looked up at Callen surprised and shook his head, "You need a few days before we go farther Callen. We can't just hash out thirty years of your life in thirty minutes."
"But I can do this. Lets keep going. What else do you want to know?" Callen said getting agitated.
Nate was getting concerned, he didn't feel comfortable with Callen's change in attitude. He was losing control. Nate stood up and walked over to Callen, "That's not how it works Callen. Healing takes time. Today was a step in the right direction, but it was a smaller demon compared to the ones you'll have to overcome. In order to fight your bigger demons you need to work this one out first."
"No. I can do this," Callen said determined.
Nate looked at Callen concerned and asked him the one question he hoped Callen couldn't answer just to prove his point, "Do you still want to die?" Callen was caught off guard. He simply stared at Nate, unable to verbalize an answer. "That's what I thought. Process, think, reflect, fall apart and stand back up. Then we'll talk more."
"I'm not suicidal if that's what you're asking. I'm not going to go home and shoot myself with my gun or anything." Callen said challenging Nate's assumptions.
"Good." Nate was pleased to hear those words come out of Callen's mouth, but was still apprehensive about his answer.
"Nate, I'm fine. I'm still standing and I'm ready to keep fighting." Callen stood up almost yelling at Nate.
"Good. Take the next few days and do it then. Fight it, feel it, and then we'll talk." Nate said more forcefully.
Callen sat back down and nodded feeling defeated by Nate. Nate responded, "Did you hear what I said, that the littlest things will trigger new emotions in you, ones you might not be able to control?" Callen nodded. "Remember those words, remember what I said, because the way you feel right now will come back. Trust me Callen, we're going to get you back in the field as soon as possible, but not at your expense."
Callen nodded showing he understood what Nate was saying. "So what's my cover story when the others ask why I've been taken out of the field?"
Nate smiled. "Tell them I finally had enough of your stonewalling and until you give me an honest psych eval you're off all cases. They don't need to know anymore than that."
Callen shifted his eyes, "Good cover story Doc."
"Well I have some experience in this field." Nate said with a goofy grin on his face.
"And my real psych eval? I'll be able to join the team again right? You're not going to put all of this in some report for the Director to read and then I lose my job?" Callen said concerned.
Nate shook his head, "That's not my job. If what you tell me affects NCIS or another agent then its my job to speak up otherwise its my job to make sure the private conversations I have with each agent stays confidential." Nate noticed Callen still seemed unsettled, "Don't worry, I've got your back Callen, like I said I always will. We'll get you back out there and we'll do it when you're ready."
Nate finished writing in Callen's file and then closed the folder and looked up at Callen. Callen nodded his head, stood up and turned to face Nate. "Can I go now?"
"You could have left at any point. Whenever you're ready." Nate stood up and walked around to the front of his desk with his hands in his pockets. Callen walked over to Nate and reached out to shake his hand. Nate reciprocated.
"Thanks Doc." Callen said smiling.
"Don't thank me yet. We still have some work to do." Nate replied.
With that Callen left Nate's office after two hours and returned to the bull pen feeling new, unburdened and almost free.
As Callen walked out Nate thought to himself how far Callen had come and yet he feared how much more there was to go. Callen's mind was a scary place for Nate and he feared what he might find in the next few weeks. He remembered how far he had to go and how hard it was for him to climb back up after he fell. It was going to be hard, but at least the door was open and Callen was willing to put in the effort. That was half the battle. One psyche eval down, three more to go. Nate thought to himself.
