The team went their separate directions to prepare. The new recruits would arrive tomorrow morning, so that meant all of them had a lot to prepare before they arrived. Sam, slightly frustrated by Nate's appearance in the Ops Center went to work out his aggression on the punching bag before calming down enough to focus on his task. Kensi sat at her desk twirling her pen in her hand seemingly lost in her own world. Callen, on the other hand, felt very anxious. He was at his desk, but kept looking up to see if Nate was walking by or lurking in a corner somewhere. Eventually, the anticipation became too much for him. His body was telling him it was time; his mind had no choice but to give in. Finally he stood up and headed back for Nate's office leaving Kensi to wonder what he was doing.
Callen knocked on Nate's door. Nate was sitting at his computer. "Hey Doc."
Nate glanced up, "Hey Callen. What's up?"
"You gotta sec?" Callen asked stepping in.
Nate was intrigued, "Sure. Come in." Nate stood up and walked to the front of his desk leaning against it.
Callen shut the door behind him. It was going to be one of those conversations. "I thought maybe we could talk a little bit about what would be appropriate or inappropriate to tell these new recruits."
While Callen thought he was asking about the new recruits Nate heard something different. He heard Callen saying it was time to talk. Putting on his psychologist "cap" he sat in his chair facing the sofa Callen sat down in. "Ok. Appropriate would be what you're comfortable telling them. Inappropriate would be covering up the truth because it's too uncomfortable to talk about."
Callen picked up on Nate's cryptic words, but didn't say anything. He didn't know how to start, so Nate gave him a push. "What do you want them to get out of the briefing?"
"That this job isn't without personal sacrifice." Callen replied. Nate gave him a look like he didn't quite understand his meaning. Callen continued, "Undercover work isn't about being a good actor, but it's about the ability to give up part of your identity and adapt to a new one. I want them to understand that the hardest part of the job isn't always the danger, but the deception."
"Wow Callen, that's really good." Nate replied. Even though Callen was talking to Nate he still had this tugging feeling in his gut because he knew he was avoiding the conversation his mind didn't want to have with Nate, but that his heart was begging for.
Callen's leg started bouncing nervously and he started squirming and clearing his throat.
Nate noticed and pushed the subject anyways. His voice changed to a more soothing tone, "How are the flashbacks?"
Callen's leg stopped shaking instantly and he looked at Nate frightened of this conversation, "Better."
"And the nightmares?"
"Better too, but still there."
"Give it time." Nate said softly leaning back in his chair.
"One of the new recruits, I was looking over his file. He is like us, never knew his parents, grew up in the system, joined up at 18 like me." Callen confessed. This was the trigger that sent him to Nate's office this morning. "I don't know what to tell him."
Nate answered, "Is there anything anyone could have told you that would have helped you before you started this job?"
"There isn't anything anyone could say now to make this job any easier Nate." Callen said frustrated.
"Well, let me ask you this," Nate said clasping his hands together, "how much does your past affect your work here at NCIS?"
"It doesn't. I wont let it." Callen said frankly.
Nate shook his head disagreeing, "Every time we have a case where the suspect or victim had a past similar to your own you take it personally. You defend their actions at all costs or you're disappointed in them because they didn't survive it."
"What are you talking about Nate?" Callen felt irritated. "I don't do that."
"Walton Monroe Flynn. Do remember the case several months ago?" Nate knew Callen remembered the case.
"Yeah," Callen said in a daze. "The Marine, grew up in foster care, joined the Marines at 18, was on the run from a private contracting group. Caldwell tried to pin a murder on him."
"Do you remember our debrief after that case? You were more shut down, closed off and pissed at me than I think I've ever seen you." Nate replied.
"Maybe I was just tired. Not everyone wants to talk to you after a hard case Nate." Callen challenged.
Nate smiled softly, "I realize that, believe me. You made a personal connection with Flynn during your undercover work. You shared a real part of yourself while undercover and you refuse to tell me about it to this day. Do you know why?"
Callen thought for moment then nodded his head, "Because I messed up. I felt for the guy, I knew what he was going through and I used my personal identity to connect with a suspect. I believed he was innocent even when everyone thought he was guilty because of it. I got too close. I screwed up and almost cost us the case."
Nate nodded his head. "Share that with the new recruit. Sometimes the best mentors are the ones who can tell us how they learned from their mistakes."
Callen looked up at Nate confused then nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah, ok." Callen was feeling guilty, an emotion that was new to him.
Nate continued, "You're a private person Callen."
"The less you let someone in the less they let you in the less attached you get making it less difficult when they finally leave or die. Less is better." Callen replied explaining his survival theory.
"That theory works if you're not in the business of racking up trauma after trauma or really interested in living at all." Nate replied. "What kind of life will you have without close friendships or building trust with people around you?"
"A safe life."
"You may be safe, but you're not living." Nate retorted. "You've been burned by a lot of people in your life, its understandable that trusting someone on a level so personal would be hard."
"So you're saying I should be less private, more open? You think I should come talk to you every time I'm upset or feel an uncomfortable emotion? I think I'll pass on that little life lesson Nate." Callen said sarcastically.
Nate shook his head, "Not at all Callen. Please don't come to me every time you feel something uncomfortable because I would go insane. You just stop, think about what's making you feel that way and deal with it. Talk to Sam, work it out on the punching bag or something, but please don't stop me to talk every time you feel uncomfortable." Callen chuckled and Nate smiled, "I'm here to help with traumas, the stuff you can't talk about or deal with or remember. The stuff that scares you to your very core, affects your daily thinking and judgment, the stuff that eats away at you every day till there's nothing left."
"Like Aleina." Callen said solemly.
Nate's demeanor changed and he looked at Callen with sad eyes. It hurt him to hear Callen say her name. Nate could almost feel the pain oozing out of Callen when he talked about her. He spoke gently to Callen, "Yeah."
"It hurts," Callen said in a daze.
"What hurts?" Nate prodded.
"Thinking about her when we were kids. She was only four years old when I knew her and still she remembered me. I knew my parents when I was four and I can't remember them let alone what they called me." Callen said sadly.
"Tell me about what you do remember of her when you were younger?" Nate encouraged.
A smile came over Callen's face as he recalled all the happy times he had while staying with the Russian family. "I used to bounce her on my knee and she would giggle." He chuckled remembering her giggle ringing through his ears. Then his face turned sad again, "I'll never hear that giggle again."
"You will in your memories." Nate said comfortingly.
"What do you do, Nate, to deal? To cope with your loss?" Callen asked. Nate understood that he was trying to learn how to cope with grief. Callen had no clue what he was doing; he needed Nate to guide him.
Nate took in a deep breath thinking about his answer. He had to choose his words carefully, but honestly. "A lot of people would tell you to hold on to the good memories, but you and I both know after you're done remembering the good old times the painful and sad memories seep in." Callen was hanging on to Nate's every word wanting Nate to give him some hope. "I try to remember who I am and how far I've come. I try to be thankful for what I learned from my mom and not to be angry about all the lessons I never learned because of what happened to her. It does not help to dwell on things that will never come to pass."
"And that works for you?" Callen asked apprehensively.
"Most days." Nate replied.
Callen felt like he was prodding Nate now, "And the days it doesn't work?"
"Honestly Callen, they're hard days." Nate replied. Nate realized he was being more closed off than usual and uncertain of why. He continued, "I use my music or talk to someone about it until I get tired of feeling sorry for myself or someone tells me to suck it up and move on. Eventually the feeling passes."
"Time heals all wounds then?" Callen asked.
Nate leaned forward sorry that he didn't have more hope or a better answer to give Callen. "Something like that."
"What do you do with the feelings you don't have?" Callen asked curiously.
Nate was confused. He didn't understand what Callen was asking. "Like when you think you're supposed to feel something and you don't?"
"No," Callen replied. "Like with your dad. You never knew him right? So how do you deal with that?"
Nate hadn't thought about his father emotionally since he was a teen. He never had any real connection to him accept through his grandparents. "Not knowing my father is different than feeling rejected by him. Are you asking about the not knowing part or about the feeling rejected part?"
Callen grimaced at the word 'rejected.' In all reality he had been rejected by both his parents; thrown into the foster care system without ever knowing why they didn't keep him to begin with. "I guess the latter."
"It hurts. I fight it every day Callen in everything I do. You can choose to hold on to your feelings waiting and hoping you'll get the answers that bring you closure, which by the way will never come even if you do find your parents one day, or you can choose to be proud of how far you came without them. You can choose to not feel rejected or abandoned, give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they had no control over losing you and instead embrace the love you were given by Aleina's family and your family here at NCIS."
Callen nodded still unsatisfied by Nate's answer. He was searching for answers he would only find in himself, not from someone else. "I'm sorry Callen. I don't know what more I can tell you. Some of this you'll have to feel out for yourself."
"Its fine Nate. Story of my life." Callen replied.
"You are not unwanted or unloved, you know that right?" Nate said looking directly at Callen very seriously. Callen wouldn't make eye contact, but he nodded. "Callen, look at me." Nate said forcefully. Callen looked up at Nate stubbornly, "You're not unwanted and you're not unloved."
Callen shook his head, "I don't believe you. The events of my life contradict that statement Nate."
Nate repeated himself again gently, "You're not unwanted and you're not unloved. You never have been. If anything the events of your life prove that. Aleina's family proves that, Sam proves that, Hetty proves that, I prove that. There have been people in your life who have cared for you, loved you and lifted you up when you had nothing."
Callen's eyes watered a bit, but he didn't break his eye contact with Nate. Nate stood up and moved closer to Callen sitting down on the coffee table repeating his words again until he was certain they stuck, "You're not unwanted and you're not unloved." Callen started shaking, his heart started pounding and his breathing was labored. He was holding back the tears, but still he did not break eye contact with Nate. Nate barely blinked sitting on the coffee table in front of Callen. Once more he repeated his words softly and soothingly to Callen, this time it would stick. "You are not unwanted and you are not unloved."
Callen fell forward, head in his hands. This was his breaking point, this was the first time in his life he had ever out right cried and still he would not let Nate see him this vulnerable. He cried for the childhood he never had, for the friends he lost, for the family he always dreamed of and for the life that was taken from him at such a young age.
Nate felt Callen's pain. He knew the feeling of being rejected by the people who were supposed to eternally love you. Nate put his hand on Callen's shoulder and put his head down, tears falling from his eyes as he wept with Callen for himself and for Callen's loss.
If there was any question as to their bond of brotherhood before Callen arrived at work it had been solidified in this moment. Nate and Callen would build a friendship as strong as brotherhood from this moment forward through the rest of their lives.
Minutes, that felt like years, passed between the two men as they comforted each other. Eventually tears turned into laughter, which turned into making fun of one another which ended in silence. Nate sitting back in his chair looking at Callen, Callen looking at the coffee table, Nate spoke calmly, "How do you feel?"
Callen smiled, thought for a moment then spoke, "I feel ok. I know I'm loved and wanted and that's enough for now."
"So," Nate said with the hint of a grimace on his face, "Did I answer all your questions regarding the briefing tomorrow?"
Callen laughed and Nate chuckled. "That and then some. I think I'm good to go Nate."
Nate smiled, "Yes you are." Callen was ready to go back into the field. He finally cleared his psych eval and Nate suspected from this day forward he wouldn't have to worry about Callen's evaluations or debriefs anymore. Callen trusted Nate and Nate believed in Callen.
Callen stood up to face Nate, "How's the rest of my team doing Nate?"
Nate stood up to face Callen, "They're ok Callen. You know I can't divulge anything they tell me."
"I would never ask you to Nate. I trust you." Callen said turning to leave.
Nate hesitated, wondering if it would be ethical to ask for Callen's help at all. He figured as long as he didn't break any confidence it might be ok. "Wait Callen." Callen turned around to face Nate. "I know Sam will work this out in his own time, but Kensi could use a little push."
Callen smiled, "I'll see what I can do."
