Hello, I'm the lie

Living for you,

So you can hide.

Hello – Evanescence

The sounds of the endless rain crashing down from the leaden, melancholic clouds was music for my ears, my hurting, anxious heart of mine being thrown under a bittersweet sensation of numbness. It was like a superficial wound, which would probably heal by the dawn and the pain will probably vanish away within minutes. For me , it started this way and with time, it got worse…

Flawless, musical voices mumbled quietly words I couldn't manage to understand, sounding slightly restless and hurting, like an angel that just got stabbed right into his chest, through its fragile, porcelain skin, its warm and delicate breathing slowing down from a sudden. The icy blue eyes shutting slowly and everything disappearing into the silence, the unknown swallowing you fast before you could even figure out what exactly is going on .

"How could you say that to your daughter?" a masculine hoarse voice broke the ice, his yelled words echoing into my head. A strange, empty feeling rumbled in my stomach as memories clouded up my already confused mind. His deep, black eyes pierced through my scarred heart, the love and hate I felt for him right now smashing into me with a surreal strength. Since the very first day I was brought onto this world, I felt love for him and over the years, the innocent love developed into something more. I hated him for… Why and how could I hate somebody like him? Because disturbing things happened years ago, before I was born? I couldn't change anything.

"I know." Another familiar voice said, barely audible. Thank goodness I was fifty-fifty. "I lost my self control, I don't know what I've done wrong…" the soft voice sang, in a sad melody. " My love for her has no boundaries and it all happened because of my new werewolf temper. Words cannot express how regretful I am."

From a sudden, flames lit up inside of me, my eyes wide open. I held one hand against my chest because I could feel my heart beat furiously, ready to jump out of me from its incredible speed. It wasn't surprise or pain, obviously. The woman's voice was the reason to my outburst, to my awakening. Everything was just right until the devil had to pull me out of my comfortable numbness.

My eyes wandered around, my breathing was unsteady as I examined all the porcelain faces around me, their golden eyes watching me with caution, as if I was going to die right away. Without thinking twice, about the consequences or anything about their reaction, my dry mouth opened up and spoke up, sounding more broken and sore than I expected it to be.

"It's not like I'm going to run away again. I won't be able to break though your tough supernatural asses ." A smirk spread on my lips as soon as I pronounced the words, very clearly, to my surprise.

"Renesmee…" my father's silky voice warmed my heart up a little. " Don't you even dare to joke about such horrific moments. We thought, for a second that we lost you. Do you think, as a father, that I would allow myself to live with the fact that my daughter ran away from me and died?" I've never seen or heard my father unleash his inner human side so much The misery in his eyes softened into a pitiful one, probably when he read my thoughts. Damn this system. I thought, only half-joking.

The eight graceful silhouettes stood so still they looked so much like those flawless statues. I had to bite my bottom lip roughly to prevent a scream form escaping my lips when things suddenly started to get blurry and the edges of my view were boldly pulsing. Edward must have heard my thoughts- or the images flashing in an aggressive way, each time hurting more, as if somebody smashed me against an unbreakable wall a thousand times.

"Carlisle, she's hurting." He hissed fiercely. "Give her something! Now!"

I winched a little when I felt a long needle break through my skin and I closed my eyes and realized I was holding my breath all the time. I exhaled sharply as a few more injections with a soothing substance, morphine probably, stopped the fire from burning everything. Right now, my mind was covered with gray, cinder clouds and I could not remember anything before my worst head ache. I was going to get some answers when I got up and I relaxed, falling into a satin black ocean of silence…

My feet numbly took a few steps forward as my eyes traveled around...nothing. It was so silent I could hear my heart beats echo into my head and with every step I walked the more I was drowned into confusion. I wasn't looking for names or locations, I just wanted to know what was going on right now. As the questions were now boldly screaming for an answer, a weak flame appeared in my right .Stepping slowly and carefully, I reached in front of the fire and I studied the image in front of my eyes. Through the ashes and flames, a russet wolf was growling at a medium-height girl, who didn't seem to mind it. Its eyes were studying her carefully, looking ready to jump into a fight. The wolf sniffed the air a little, visibly irritated by something and before I could do anything, it jumped over the girl. And the girl was actually …

Muffed screams sent unpleasant shivers down my spine, but discomfort wasn't the only thing on my mind. Who was the person that screamed? What if somebody was in trouble, or what if the Volturi…

A pair of slightly hotter arms wrapped around me, whispering to me calm, loving words and then I realized I was worried for myself. A sudden bitter disgust for my own person burnt on the tip of my tongue, I am so full of selfishness. I can't figure out why does my heart still matter to them, my self-esteem was so high it was ridiculous. And still, I couldn't regret the things I've done, I needed an escape to the real world, not this fairytale they tried making me believe I was in.

That awkward, tingling sensation came back into my stomach as soon as I realized I was in his arms. He was one of the many reasons I felt like I was a living pile of crap with eyes, I know I don't deserve such an amazing man, but the idea of him getting married to some stuck up blue-eyed bitch – a very beautiful one, and have his children was just too much for me to accept . My body went numb as his pained but sweet voice whispered in my ear.

"I love you."

He has told me many times that he loves me, and now that I grew up, those idiotic feelings would grow bigger and I will experience a hell of a heartbreak The tingling sensation was almost always there and so was he, since the day I was born. I hated the fact that I've fell for him so badly because I knew there was no chance he would notice me. I've tried multiple times and- nothing but awkward moments of silence and friendly moves. I hated myself even more because I could not stand a chance to many women of the world who would die for him. Leah, I dreadfully thought the name of that person. She might be his life mate, since both haven't imprinted yet and feel like they're completing each other's empty souls. I nodded, shivers running down my spine at the creepy sensation and broke away from the cold damned hug we just shared.

My eyes wandered around and stopped at the door, expecting it to open, which it did. My parents were the first ones to gracefully step into the room, followed by the others. They were just glancing at me, pretending to look at the dark blue walls covered with old drawings of mine. I hated breaking the silence, but enough was enough.

"I'm sorry. " my voice sounded so weak and sick and a fire lit up in my throat. An intense want grew into me I wanted to scream out loud. Instead of letting them reply, I continued. " I know I acted silly and rebellious, but I needed it. You and your overprotecting maternal feelings provoked me, all these years it grew stronger and stronger and I couldn't hold back anymore. "

Surprisingly, my mother continued.

"My beautiful daughter, I am truly sorry for the hurtful words I've said to you, no words can express the regret that's living and burning inside of my cold body." Her darker orange eyes screamed her feelings from a hundred miles away. Dad nodded sadly and his voice trembled a little.

" Carlisle, is it possible that she feels the need? Did those fatal substances she consumed reach their goal? " More silence. " How can it be possible to ruin her vampire immunity? How? "

I sat down on my bed and tried to ignore their voices staring at the perfect white ceiling. Its beautiful, complicated details blended perfectly with the black and white pictures of mine and the big windows wide open, a cold, refreshing air giving this place an intimae aspect which I loved. Though, the thoughts escaped from the box I've decided to close them into and try to never look at them ever again. Could it be possible I am becoming an addict? Will I be able to control myself, someday, if I do? Multiple questions lingered into my head , coming back into an uncontrollable and annoying rhythm, giving me heart ache that was growing stronger as the seconds passed.

I felt so tired and the flame into my throat grew stronger as my eyes turned back to the other part of the room, now empty. Except from him. He glanced at me with a pitiful look and his long legs were about to swiftly jump from my window. My tongue moved so fast and my words sounded so suffering , but I decided to forget about details.

"Jake, please don't leave. I need you. " I whispered, but it was enough to stop him from going. His melancholic eyes were a river of cried tears in which you could easily lose yourself into, still you felt amazing while you were drowning. His teeth slightly grazed his bottom lip, reddening it a little. I put my hand under his chin and he lowered himself. My heavy breath stopped in my burning throat as soon as our noses touched . I closed my eyes and deeply inhaled his sweet scent as his right hand took mine in his, stroking my skin with his soft fingertips. All I could feel right now was the chills electrifying my body, still I felt so numb, but the numbness ended as soon as his hot lips pressed against mine.

Our mouths danced along the frantically accelerated rhythm of our lips, his hands slowly and teasingly moving from my chin, to my shoulders, down my hips... We slowed down for a millisecond and his tongue licked my bottom lip, asking for entrance. I instantly opened my mouth and his tongue went a little on my throat, close to the place that was aching. I moaned, his kiss completing the empty part of my soul, at least for a few seconds.

It took me a while to realize I was kissing the person I loved the most. I am kissing Jacob. He is kissing back. God gave me wings I didn't fly with until now. I can finally start my life the way I should have and everything will be alright, finally. I didn't really care if my family was under the same roof, it was only about me. I was selfish and happy about it, now that I got the person I was fighting for.

My fingertips ran over his muscular stomach and from a sudden, he pulled away, as if he just saw a fire.

"J-Jake, what's wrong?" my voice was shaky and breathless, a pretty bad mix because I doubted he heard me.

"I should have never…I'm sorry Renesmee. This never happened." He said and he jumped, without giving me the chance to answer or even react. He left me there, looking at the wall like a hypocrite.

Bursting through my door, my dad looked angrier than ever. Wait, why was he mad? Have I done anything wrong, except breaking my own heart again? I don't think so, since I never really socialized or even met humans.

"That ass. I'm going to kill him!" he yelled, his nostrils scrunching hard as he breathed out, something only visual for vampires.

"You stay exactly where you are and close that fucking mouth! You're not going to do anything to me, that would hurt me more than anything in this world!" my voice was so high I thought I was going to blow up the house. " THIS is life! SHIT happens!" I ended and started running.

In my way, mom caught me and pulled me into a forced hug. I tried my best to pull away, but only to fail as she brought me to dad. I bit my lip furiously and the feeling of his warmth against my mouth made me feel cold and lonely. Stop this, I scolded myself. You are only hurting yourself more. It's not worth it. I stood silent, looking into my father's eyes until I managed to whisper a few words out, controlling the tears that were about to fall from my eyes.

"Can I sleep in the woods? I need some time… by myself. Nothing reckless." I said, dropping my head.

"I don't know…"

Please.

"It's not safe, Ness. You know what happened when we let you run away. We've got an addiction to get rid off now."

Thanks for reminding me, I thought, feeling the pain burn into my throat again. And the calming feeling he gave me…

The corners of his mouth lifted up and I felt better. A little better, at least.

"Thanks, dad. " I sighed, hugging him.

"Goodnight honey… If you need us, just…we'll be there, alright?" my mother's usual words. Cheesy, but right now, I felt just fine with her comforting words. I nodded and hugged her more. "I didn't mean the things I've said to you, Renesmee. You are my only child and my love for you is endless. I love you. " she coldly, but emotionally breathed into my ear and to answer her, I hugged her more.

I jumped out the window, stepping over his barely visible footprints and I stopped for a second just where they disappeared. Another sharp breath of oxygen made me shiver as I sit down in the place I used to sleep with Jacob, when I looked like a five year old. I remember pulling his hair and biting his neck and a single tear rolled down my face. Those innocent days of mine were gone and here I was, crying over him. I missed his warm hugs and kisses on the cheek, the games we've played and smart jokes we shared and of course, the normal tones we used to speak with. And now, I wasn't even speaking, just sitting alone and hurting myself. If he doesn't feel the same way about me why would he even kiss me? Does he enjoy seeing me suffer and my condition worsen as the days flew by?

At east I have my family to love me.

I've kept this sentence in my mind and I let the tears roll down my cheeks. It was the only thing I could do now and feel like I mean something. My eyes managed to close before the sun would climb up the sky and radiate happiness. I struggled to find myself lost into a restless sleep.