a/n – Do you know how much I love second chapters readers? Lots.
Two.
Dear World,
Folgerphobia, also referred to as Javaphobia.
It's something I've never really understood. Why be so fearful of something so harmless? Ludicrous. Such thing seem ludicrous to me, only because I fail to fully comprehend how somebody could hold so much disgust to something that has no heart and makes no move to threaten humanity. Then again, it's not up to me is it? Fears are never something you can understand unless you take on the position of those who fear it themselves. You'll never fully understand. That's the problem. I will never get to know what it feel likes to be folgerphobic. Just as you will never know what it feels like to be mentally deranged such as I. Society needs to take note and respect that. We will never know.
Folgerpohbia.
We shall never understand.
The worse part about being held captive at Germaine Mental Institute is spending your nights listening to others scream. It's the way their desperate pleas of pain echo off the walls and flow throughout the building. It's the haunting shiver that fills your body when you hear them yelling for a savior or for assistance because they can't take it alone. It's knowing you can't help them. It's the way my ward can be silent for a heartbeat before filling with the sound of another's agony. It's knowing somebody is dying. It's knowing they won't be back in the morning. Sometimes it's even the eerie silence that tells us the nightmare is over.
Mostly, it's knowing your next.
Tonight the high-pitched yelling belonged to Jenevette Van Densen. Her case as strange as her name, her parents had finally decided that they couldn't handle her anymore. All of her medical bills where for nothing, seeing as she progressed in treatment only to fall back once more. The doctors were having trouble handling her random seizures and the nurses couldn't take another one of her sick nights. Today was her last night here and she had no clue. I knew though, I was conveniently filled in when the nurses gathered around my room whilst setting up the room across from mine. Unfortunately, they had yet to spill who the new occupant was. The anticipation was beginning to eat away at me.
Jenevette stopped screaming as I heard the clang of a medical instrument coming in contact with the portable metal tables the doctors usually carried around with them. I heard the familiar squeak of the stretcher as they laid her slightly-chubby body on it and I closed my eyes tightly as I heard its wheels leave her hospital room and hesitantly roll by my door. They knew that Jenevette and I were somewhat friends (I'd spoken to her once without raising my voice. Extremely rare for somebody like me) and that I would somewhat affected by her murder—death, I mean. Somewhat affected by her death.
It was over now. This was usually the time when I would allow my mind to wonder until it eventually led me to a comfortable sleep. I'd postpone my guilt and disgust until the next morning when I was fully refreshed and I actually had to the time to worry about what had happened just the night before. It was what I usually did on nights like this. Except tonight it seemed as though my mind had other plans for me. I could feel the energy pulsing through my veins as I stared up at my ceiling.
I sighed, 'Sleep is not on my side tonight.' I mumbled to myself.
Rolling out of my hospital bed, I groaned as I felt as my blood rush through my body. I contemplated changing out of my baggy black pajama bottoms and a navy blue tank top but eventually decided against it. I slipped my cold toes into my slipper boots and stretched my back out as I slid out of hospital room. The dim hallway lights lit up my ward thus, guiding me as I did my best to quietly navigate through the halls. The ward was freakishly quiet as I snuck down to the elevator. The soft elevator music was my only companion as I impatiently waited for the fifth floor. The metal door finally slid open and I sucked in a breath before opening the doors to the cafeteria.
Starbucks, starbucks, starbucks. I thought as I tried to find the small coffee kiosk in the dark. A glowing light switch caught my eye as I flicked it causing a yellow light to light up the entire room. Thankfully, the cafeteria was unoccupied and I was completely isolated. If seen, supervisors would've escorted me back to my room and drug me with some sort of sleeping pill. I wasn't in the mood for artificial sleep tonight and though I knew coffee would just demolish the chances of ever getting to bed, I couldn't fight my craving.
Starbucks was closed (obviously) when I finally found it hidden behind a Taco Bell. I crawled across the counter and flicked on another light so I could investigate the kiosk. Underneath the barista counter was a list of ingredients to make certain drinks. I picked up the thick binder and sprawled out the papers as I searched to feed my craving. Decaf Venti 7-Pump Vanilla No Caramel Drizzle Extra Hot Extra Foam Light Vanilla Powder Caramel Macchiato. I yawned to myself as I flipped through the pages looking for the Caramel Macchiato directions. Finally I found them I didn't hesitate to start my creation.
It took me twenty-five minutes to prepare my Macchiato and I vowed that the next time my barista does this in record timing; I was going to tip her greatly. The whip cream can hissed as I squeezed as much whip cream as possible into the Starbucks cup without causing it to overflow. The can spat out was left of its contents and I sighed at the lack of foam. Licking some up with my tongue, I moaned in pleasure at the amazing taste of my vanilla overload.
'Did some whip cream just give you an orgasm or did I walk in at the wrong time?' said a husky voice that had literally appeared out of nowhere.
My heart stopped beating as I spun around to see who belonged to the voice. It was a good thing I hadn't screamed otherwise supervisors would be down here in an instant and probably would've confiscated the macchiato I put so much effort into. 'You.' I said upon seeing his exceptionally attractive features and sexy-as-hell curls. Only then did I realize just how seductive his voice was. If this wasn't our second encounter, I would've just leaped onto his rock hard chest and just done him right then and there. 'You just scared the shit out of me.' I muttered, slightly pissed off.
'It's nice to see you again.' He said flipping some curls out of his eyes. I could've sworn my heart just skipped a beat at how his eyes shimmered with excitement even in the depressing cafeteria. I hated to admit it but this boy was drop dead gorgeous.
'Why are you here?' I asked referring to why he was in the mental institution. Had he not made is specifically clear that my new therapist was his mother? The administration committee did not allow family members of staff into the building, most definitely not into my ward. Plus, this mysterious pretty boy was much too attractive to be mentally impaired.
'I never got your name.' he said changing the subject instantly. Why was he always avoiding this question? Even though it was slightly frustrating, I ignored his ignorance towards my healthy curiosity and decided to play along with his somewhat bipolar personality.
'Indeed you didn't, Lucas.' I said in victoriously. I felt somewhat proud that I'd gotten his name meanwhile he'd been wondering mine. So you could understand my confusion when the corners of his (luscious and delicious) lips turned up into a smile and he shook his head. I made note that he had decided not to laugh.
'You do that Lucas is not my first name, right?' he said with his sexy smile. I swear to God that I could just melt into his hands just from him giving me a simple hello. Never mind him speaking dirty to me, I just… I can't.
'What is your first name?' How I managed to actually get real words out was astonishing. This boy was turning me on without so much as an effort. I almost envied him for it. Did he have this effect on the entire female population or was it just me? Whatever, as long as he continued to make my insides churn then the fact was irrelevant.
'Tell me yours.' Was his best comeback. I didn't like his short answers; I wanted to hear his seductive voice a lot. I was wanted it to echo through the cafeteria. No, screw that, I wanted to hear him screaming out my name and moaning in pleasure. Yeah, that's what I want. Believe it or not, I believe in abstinence. Well, I mean I did before he waltzed into my life and spoke.
'Mile.' I uttered the nickname I'd received my (ex) parents. 'Miley.' It slipped out before I could realize that I truly did want him to know my name. Something about my name leaving his lips made my heart swell. 'Miley.' I repeated once more, only then realizing how my own name had become so foreign to me. Honestly, I wasn't Miley anymore. I'd become somebody else entirely.
He nodded, 'You actually have a beautiful name,' he paused licking his lips. 'Mi.' it was short and easy and for a moment I wondered if he had even said anything at all but his chocolate orbs were staring at my face as if asking for permission to give me a new name. I repeated him and he smiled as if this authorized his request. 'I'm Nicholas.' He said hesitating like I had with the full name admittance.
'Nick?' I asked.
He shook his head, 'Never. In my household it was always Nicholas. Never anything else.' He refused to meet my eyes when he made this confession. I decided to make note that he had used past tense when describing himself. In my household it was always Nicholas. After a moment of mindless wandering his mocha eyes finally met mine and I frowned. Behind his false exterior, he was hurting. He had the same expression as our first encounter; he was trying to hide something that his eyes refused to mask. I was beginning to like that about Nicholas, his eyes were always truthful.
'What are you doing here?' I jumped back to the subject he was originally trying to avoid. Nick was a mystery for sure. I suddenly realized that when he raised his eyebrows at my bluntness. Another thing I noticed is that unless we talked about his past, Nicholas never tore his gaze away from my eyes. It felt as though he was trying to look into my soul, like for the first time in a long time somebody was actually trying to look at me. Like, really really look at me. I tried telling myself that it was nothing but I couldn't help but feel content in the fact that somebody actually wondered about me.
'I came down for a coffee.' He said slyly, smirking. I bit my lip randomly as I tried to control my thoughts. His smirks where starting to really get to me. 'Why are you here?' he asked, his lips suddenly in a straight line, his face now sporting a serious expression. 'I mean, why are you in Germaine Mental?' he beat me to it before I could come back with a witty answer. I sighed; he was too smart for his own good.
'I made a mistake.' I muttered, suddenly catching his full attention. He seemed somewhat surprised that I'd decided to be completely honest with him. 'Not my words.' I suddenly added in. Something about Nicholas made me want him to be on my side. Frankly, I just wanted somebody to realize that I was more complex the doctor's medical summaries described me to be. 'Words of my therapists, nurses, doctors.' I sighed, 'they all think that I made a mistake, they're so sure that it was an accident. Spur of the moment type of thing. It wasn't a mistake though. I know what I did and I'm sure it was not accidental. I know that I'm different. I'm not the same girl I was before. My hair is darker, my mood is darker. I'm darker. I can understand that I'm in GM for a reason. I can come to terms with the fact that I have a mental illness but that's not me. It's not really me. I'm not a mess. I'm not the fucked up girl everybody thinks I am.' I stopped suddenly realizing I'd let out to much information. Re-analyzing my words I realized that I was pretty subtle and he didn't completely understand what I was talking about. Yet he nodded as if he had.
'You're here, though.' He said leaning away from the counter slightly. He shoved his hands in his pockets and sucked in a deep breath. I swallowed some more of the hot liquid that was now the only thing comforting me. Nicholas gave me feelings, feelings I've never had to deal with before. I didn't like it, it was better being numb than not.
'I am.' I replied placing my cup on the counter.
'Indeed, you are.' He said just as a therapist would. Something about his answer irked me. He was suddenly treating me like I was his patient and not just a girl to talk to. Anger boiled inside me as he continued to search my eyes for emotion. That was one thing that I continuously prided myself in. Unlike sensitive others, I was good at keeping myself in tact. I could bite back a sob like a professional. It's another reason why I went through therapists so quickly. I wouldn't open up. Nobody was powerful enough to break through the thick metal shell I'd built around myself.
'Stop searching.' I spat angrily. His eyes widened as if he didn't expect me to be so straightforward. I suddenly wanted to get this conversation and over with. Never thought I would say this but Nicholas was beginning to tick me off ever so slightly.
'What do you mean by that?' He asked, his voice quivering. He sounded almost nervous. I smirked suddenly, realizing that my sudden statement had really gotten to him. I was beginning to understand this mystery boy. I'd only found piece of the puzzle and I'm sure he has a million more yet I felt somewhat accomplished. Nicholas is a real puzzle. He's complex, like me.
'I can see it in your eyes.' You're flawless, gorgeous, mesmerizing, delicious chocolate eyes. Which by the way, drive me insane. 'It's in the way you're looking at me.' I said once more feeling extremely sure of my self. He seemed to be taking in each word one by one and analyzing them as if they where more than just jumbled letters of the alphabet. 'I can feel it too.' I added wanting him to understand completely. Been doing a lot of that lately. 'It's like you're searching for me. You're trying to figure out who I am. You're trying to understand me.' I finished, stating the impossible.
'I can't.' he sighed flashing me that (sexy) devious smirk of his. He shrugged his shoulders and leaned forward, his hands now on the counter and his face in line with mine. We weren't too close but if I leaned over the counter I'd be able to kiss him. Endlessly. 'I can't understand you. It's frustrating.' He mumbled. 'I can usually read people like a book. It's in their actions, in their words, in their facial expressions but you're different.' He sucked in a deep breath then let it out slowly, 'You're unique.'
'I'm fucked up.' I recited a small smile on my lips. He let out a soft and quiet chuckle. Only his husky voice made it sound so seductive. Again, his chocolate eyes were observing me but something was different about his gaze this time. Something about it was off. 'Giving up?' I asked, feeling his eyes looking at me only softly.
'No.' he replied, 'I'm going to approach this at another angle.' He spilled his game plan. I smiled. This boy was amazing. 'You can feel it?' he asked jumping onto the counter. The movement was so swift that it caught me by surprise. He then proceeded to jump off the counter and land directly in front of me. Not only was he now close enough to kiss without much effort but I could feel our bodies touching, barely but still connected. 'What do you feel?' he said taking a step forward as I took one back. It was like he knew my movements.
I paused. 'I feel your vibe. Like you're radiating it for the world.' I said back tossing out my Starbucks cup. There was an astonishingly cute boy in front of me within kissing distance thus coffee was the last thing on my mind.
'You feel a connection?' he asked getting closer yet still seeming so far. I could feel his breath on my neck as he leaned in to my ear. I shivered as I felt his lips brush against my ear. His minty breath his skin as he whispered seductively, 'What are you feeling, Mi?'
It was probably the nickname that drew me in but the words spilled out before I could stop them. There was no holding back with this boy. He just seemed to get me, 'You're close.' I whispered back sucking in a breath. 'But you're too far away.' That didn't make sense did it? They were the only things in my brain at the moment as he rubbed his cheek against mine whilst pulling away.
'Can I touch you?' he was asking for permission. My heart swelled at how sweet he was being. His eyes portrayed pure innocence and his body was at a comfortable distance yet prepared to shrink back if he made me uncomfortable. I pouted. I didn't need him to ask permission as sweet as the gesture may be. I just wanted him to hold me. To know what it would feel like.
'Yeah.' I breathed out making the words barely audible.
There was no hesitation; it was if he wanted this just as much as I did. His arms slid around my waist and our bodies collided. My hands where around his neck as he leaned down and placed his lips by my ear once more. He didn't kiss me. He just held me. We were touching yet it was in such a manner that it didn't differ much from a normal hug. It felt different though, it felt much different. Suddenly, I was yearning for him.
'You two—'a deep voice interrupted, 'Out of the cafeteria. It's after curfew and all patients need to be in their assigned rooms.' The words echoed off the walls. Nick's hands slid away from and our bodies where suddenly distanced. I decided then that I didn't like being apart from him. I wanted him to near me at all times.
'I was just saying goodbye.' He lied. The guard seemed to dismiss the fact that visiting hours ended hours ago and that Nick's statement should've earned him a strict speech. The curly-haired boy turned to me and flashed a quick smile. His smile was sad though, I made note of that. 'My mom is working late.' He whispered. He jumped back over the counter and ran past the supervisor.
No this was nice. No see you later. No goodbye. The supervisor led to my room and I was glad he didn't ask questions afraid that my voice would crack. My wall was down. It was only momentarily but it had been let down. And again, I'd walked away disappointed. I'd forgotten that Nick wasn't a patient here and that I'd only seen him twice. He was normal. He didn't belong with a fucked up tragedy such as me.
I didn't sleep that night. I was disgusted with myself. Instead I stared at the door and desperately waited for something to happen. Anything to happen. I stared at the door until early hours when sleep overtook me and I reluctantly fell asleep. Only then did something appear at my door. It walked in, mumbled something, caressed my cheek and disappeared. Too bad I was so unconscious that I'd failed to notice. The bright side?
I wasn't the only one sleeping with an aching heart that night.
Baadaa! A maniac's love. Doesn't it make your heart swell?
So for the whole Miam breakup, I meant to put my previous GAC chapter but I forgot. Shocking, ain't it? Think Niley will hook up again? I don't know! For some I'm getting the vibe that Miley would be more into the relationship then Nicky boy.
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