A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to update! It's currently the week before finals, and I'm out of my mind with stuff to do. I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can. ~Em
Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS.
It was not long after they fell into silence that Ziva spoke again. Her voice was tentative and nervous, a tone that Tony was sure he had never heard before.
"I think I am ready to move now," she said still staring straight ahead.
"Okay," Tony said getting up. "Where would you like to go?"
"I do not know. Not home," she said as she shook her head.
"Okay, well what do you say you come back to my apartment, or if you'd like, I could bring you to Gibbs' house, whichever you'd like."
"Not Gibbs," she said forcefully "It is bad enough you found me like this, I do not want him to worry as well."
"I don't think he would mind, Zi. He just wants the best for you."
"Not Gibbs. Not right now. He can't know. He can't." Ziva looked u at him with pleading eyes, a panic in them he rarely heard, reserved mostly for life and death situations. She shook her head tightly, waiting for him to respond.
"Okay, it's okay." he said kneeling down and taking her face in his hands. "I won't tell Gibbs, okay?"
She simply nodded in response.
"Are you alright to move now?"
She nodded once again.
"Okay then ninja, let's make our way back home." He saw her eyes widen in alarm "To my home." he clarified. As he saw her relax he stood up, offering her his hand so that she could do the same. She refused to take it, attempting to stand on her own. She almost made it before wobbling and nearly falling down before Tony caught her, holding her close to him. She was even more drunk than he thought. She leaned most of her weight on him as she stumbled with Tony back to his apartment, taking so much time on the stairs that Tony scooped her up bridal style (much to her protest) and carried her the rest of the way.
When Tony finally managed to get Ziva into the apartment, he carried her over to his couch, setting her down gently as she curled up into a ball once again, leaning up against the arm rest. She placed her chin down on her knees, staring straight ahead. Tony watched her for a few minutes wondering if she would do anything at all. When she remained still, he sat down on the couch directly in front of her and waited for her to look at him. She was zoned out again, her eyes blank and glassy. He gently stroked her cheek with his finger, trying to bring her back to him. He watched as her eyes came back into focus, meeting his and holding his gaze for the first time that night.
"Are we going to talk about this?" she asked him softly.
"I'd like to, yeah. But we don't have to right now, not unless you're ready."
"I do not know if I will ever be ready."
"I know."
She took a deep breath. She seemed to contemplate the repercussions of talking. She bit her fingernail and began to rock back and forth slightly in her thought. He saw tears begin to well in her eyes before she said "I do not know if I can."
"You can. It's like ripping off a band aid. It only hurts for a second, stings for a bit after, but after it's done, the wound underneath it's healed."
"There are not enough band aids in the world to fix this, Tony," she paused before continuing on. "And you are wrong. It is not like a band aid at all. It is painful all time. Talking about it will not be like healing the wounds, it will be ripping them open and having them bleed all over again. It does not sting, it throbs all the time. From the moment that I wake up in the morning, my body aches. With every step I take I can feel the damage that has been done to my body. It hurts all day and when I try to take that pain away, to go to sleep at night and all I can see is his face."
He watched her in silence. Tears were streaming down her face, her voice cracking with emotion as she confessed what he imagined was only a small fraction of her pain with him. He couldn't move, only stare as she did to him as she told her story.
"All I can see. All I can see is him. I can smell him too. I can smell the cell, the desert, stench of unwashed men. I cannot close my eyes without being brought back there. All I want is for it to stop." He heard the dam break as her tears became sobs, and Tony was snapped out of his trance. He cradled Ziva to his chest, her sobs racking her body and his. Her tears soaked through his shirt as she cried. He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her tight hoping to take some of her pain away.
She continued to cry and mutter "I just want it to stop" for almost an hour before her sobs calmed down and her body relaxed out of exhaustion. He carefully picked her up and carried her to his bed, carefully removing her shoes and jacket and finding her some clothes of his to wear. He settled on a pair of sweatpants and an old NCIS t-shirt. She looked at him helplessly, too tired and intoxicated to even attempt undressing herself. He gently removed and dressed her one piece of clothing at a time before tucking her in and kissing her on the forehead.
"Sleep," he said. "I'll be on the couch if you need anything, okay?"
"No," she said. "Stay here with me."
"Ziva, I don't know if that's the best..."
"Please?" she asked, her voice hoarse and fragile.
He slid into bed next to her, laying on his side facing her. She took his hand in hers, lacing their fingers together before slowly closing her eyes and falling into a deep sleep.
As soon as he was sure Ziva was asleep, Tony crept out of the room to call Gibbs. Privacy be damned, he needed to know what was going on in her head. For all he knew, Gibbs could be a much bigger help to her than he could. He paced back and forth in his living room while he dialed,even more anxious than he had been before. Gibbs picked up on the first ring, he always did.
"Yeah, Gibbs."
"Hey Boss."
"DiNozzo, what's wrong?"
"It's Ziva, Boss."
"Is she alright?" Tony could hear Gibbs moving around in the basement, preparing to take off if need be.
"Uhm...I don't really know how to answer that question. It's kind of a long story."
"Well then why don't you start at the beginning and tell me."
"Boss, I found Ziva drunk in an alleyway, and I mean drunk. With like five u's and three k's. I tried to talk to her and she just kept saying that she didn't want to be here anymore, she didn't want to be anywhere anymore. She was catatonic, Boss. I've never seen her like that. I sat with her for a while, and eventually got her to calm down and come back to my place."
"Where is she now?"
"Asleep in my bedroom."
"Good. What do you need me to do?"
"Well, nothing, I just...I thought you should know."
"I'm guessing there's a but coming."
"Yeah, she didn't want me to tell you."
"I don't know, she didn't really say." he could hear Gibbs sigh on the other end of the line.
What is going on in that head of yours, Ziver? He thought.
After a bit of a pause, Gibbs heard "Boss?"
"You take care of her, DiNozzo. I don't need to see either of you tomorrow."
"Okay, thanks, Boss."
The two hung up without another word. A small weight lifted off his chest, Tony crept back into his bed next to Ziva, thinking about the morning that was to come.
