Broken
Have you ever wanted to erase something. Maybe a person. Maybe and an enemy. Or perhaps an action. An action from which you so desperately tried to erase, but to no avail. In life, of course we have our slip ups. But as a twelve year old, this was about the biggest screw up I'd even committed. Why? Because that day was wrong. It was out of character. But I still let it happen. And now, there was no turning back; because I had been caught in the act.
Disregarding what happened, Toshiro was still forced to follow Momo. Like a mother pulls their child away from the troubled. She would keep close watch over him. And frankly, since everything happened, he didn't really want to see me. Just like before, he ignored me; and that snap of passion was no where to be recorded. I assumed that our silent agreement had passed. The one that called forth subconscious desires; on that day we brought forth everything that we'd been holding in. And now that he's done with me—closed the chapter—He'll be the on to still have people by him.
Because now I'd lost both him and Hairo.
In the Game
It was beginning to become cold in REM as well. Well at least, kinda. Their "Christmas" was on its way. Though it was coming far too quickly to make any sense with the geography of the real world. Nonetheless, the training dome closed down for one day. And REM was completely remodeled with Christmas decorations. Today was one of the only days when I could go back to the beginning. Where I could just be a waitress for a moment. Where I could be alone for a second. Like I always wanted. But now didn't.
The bell jingled as I turned to see the customer. With as bright a smiling face I could give, I chirped, "Welcome to Maids' Healing," I grinned. But when I actually set eyes on the customer, I wanted to log out right then an there.
Standing right in front of me was Toshiro, in all his changed glory. The way he looked at me made me want to shrivel up and disappear.
"May I help you?" I asked him, now very serious because he wasn't a customer.
For one split second, he bit his lip as if to warn me that what he was going to say was not going to be good, "My master tells me to pass on this message: We need to meet tomorrow at-"
"Personal day!" I yell at Ichigo. And then log off. I didn't need at this extra bull crap going on in my life.
Out of Game
I looked up from where I sat, Across from me, in a different chair, was Yuzu, smiling as she took her dreams well in REM. I didn't feel like changing. So I kept on Otaku Cafe's maid outfit. I'd return it tomorrow. I passed through the tables full of people in REM head sets. And I left through the front door, something that had really never occurred to me to do.
Everything that'd happened now was swelling up in my head. I couldn't take it. That was the real reason why I logged out. Toshiro was one headache. All of my experiences were another. So I ditched one. And here comes the tackling of the other.
I walked aimlessly, until I passed the car wash, my old job before REM overtook my life. Its rusty facade and broken glass made me yearn for the times in which I was dirty with mud. I wish I'd stayed myself for a little while. Wish I had never grown up.
I didn't care as my friends drove by in their cars(with their parents) and saw me in my outfit. I didn't really care about anything. It was kinda cold outside, not much. In Japan, the temperatures were warming.
One drop. Snagged the side of my thigh. Another, square on the nose. In just a few moments, the rain poured down on me. I'd have to wash the outfit, but after stopping to decided on whether to take cover or not, I continued to walk on. This time I knew that Ichi-nii would not hear of me from Yuzu. That no one would come for me. So I kept going, like I always have to do. Move forward. Or else whatever's bad will bite you in the ass. It was too late though, it seemed depression already caught me.
To me, I guessed I had a crush on both of them. Because it killed me to not see Hairo, but when I was with him, I couldn't stop relating him to Toshiro. But when I was with Toshiro, I couldn't stop thinking about Hairo. I just couldn't comprehend everything. And by the time I finally grasped what kind of situation I was in, I'd lost both of them.
My soaked hair fell up against my back, I had even neglected to put it up in a ponytail before I left. My feet began to splash in the useless puddles of water on the side walk. And my miniskirt clung to my thighs, heavy with liquid.
My eyes widened as I saw someone at the cross walk, carrying a small white list and paper bag of food. He was holding the list and bag in one hand, and he kept and umbrella over his head. As he turned in my direction, he also stared through his white-blue eyes. His spiky brown bangs were barely visible beneath the yellow umbrella, but I knew it was him. I, a small 12 year old. He, a tall, fit high schooler.
He still gawked at me, and all I could do was break down crying. Somehow I felt so lonely. And I hoped he'd become who he used to be to me. Just a teacher and a friend, who'd help me through anything. I knew this was probably a lot to ask for. But in real life, I was just a kid, lost and immature. I really did hope he'd see that.
I sprinted toward him, eyes watery and buried in my hair. Everything just spiraled out of control. And I couldn't do anything to stop him from giving me the cold shoulder, but right now, I was trusting him to see that I had turned back into a child. A child shocked by the events that had just occurred so quickly.
I scurried up to him, soaking wet, and wrapped my arms around his waist, as I was far to small to reach any higher. His bag of supplies shook and fell on the rainy street.
"H-hairo," I stuttered, "I-'m so glad..." I heaved in a big breath.
He was frozen and questionably just standing there, unknowing of what to do.
"I...I was..I-I can't..." I couldn't form my words together, "..Take it." I said brokenly.
He was still for awhile, before he took his free hand and planted it in my coal black hair.
My eyes widen as I try to stifle my sobs. Everything that had happened came crashing down too fast. And I didn't know what I was doing. All at once, everything just fell apart. Now I don't have anyone; not even myself.
"W-who am I?" I cried. Some prissy girl with an abnormally attractive figure? Hormonally and sexually challenged. Those things described me now. What happened to the tomboy I was? Why couldn't I get out of this nightmare? This nightmare for which I was stuck being someone I hated; yet while I was her, I loved.
He didn't say anything. And as we stood there, the tune began for those at the crosswalk to cross. But we just stood there. I could feel my soaked body drenching his clothes. What was I doing now anyway? He was my only light in the darkness. But I wouldn't hold anything against him if he were to slam the door in my face. I couldn't help it; no matter what I always hurt him. Why didn't I just run away from him, it wasn't like Hairo could help me. His heart was still sore from my betrayal.
"You're so much smaller in this world," he said to me.
And my eyes widened. I gasped and stopped sobbing for a moment as I seemed to hear one lone drop of rain over all others. Almost a cry. Because his voice symbolized this drop. All the water and overcast in the world could not equal the strain in his voice when he spoke those words. Not as if he'd been crying. But like he'd given up on something. And there was nothing but hollow meaning behind his words.
For the first time, I looked up and saw that a new smile was formed on his face. Something that came through tired eyes. Eyes that looked at me and saw only regret. His smile was bitter as he began, "You're still a kid here.."
I was worried of that look in his eyes, "Hairo?" I sniffled through a red, blotchy expression.
"I wish it wouldn't have to be you to see this," He said as his dead smile widened more.
"What..What are you talking about?" I said, directing my attention on his problems instead of mine.
He fuzzed up my hair the same way he'd always had during practice, "Hey, don't you ever grow up," He smiled, "When you're little, it's always so much more fun."
I winced while he rubbed my head, but I managed to gaze at him one last time as his hand glided off my hair. I grabbed his hand shortly after, but he pulled it away.
The tune of the cross walk went off. And I wished I was quick at the moment. Or maybe I wished I was Kurai-Hime, because maybe I could stop him. But who was I kidding? The cars came too fast. His actions were too timed. I could do nothing.
He took one step into the street, a moment after the little man turned red. And everything was quiet. I tuned out the sound of the rain as the yellow umbrella was crushed up against the broken windshield. Everything was strangely slowed. I heard a sharp sound, and it seemed my body reacted faster than my mind. Because I had screamed and was rushing over to where the red veil had cascaded across the asphalt. It had mixed with the water and drained into the sewage pipes. Laying like road kill, was what dented the car and left the driver speechless. Fear swept over me of seeing something on TV. Fear that a continuous flatline would haunt me.
My shoes clacked in those useless puddles of water.
Blood.
Real blood.
This wasn't fake.
"Hoshino!" Hiyori exclaimed, busting through the doors to the hospital. Hairo Hoshino. Hiyori called him by his last name. She also called him boss. Probably because he was her boss in REM.
I gazed up from the waiting room and rushed over to her. In this white world that smelled of Lysol, I grabbed on to both of her hands, my face blotchy with tears.
"What happened to the boss?" She asked me.
I shook my head, "He just..walked right out in front of those car...I couldn't stop him-" I began, my voice breaking again. This situation. It reminded of what had happened with my mother; though I wasn't there when that happened. This was far more mortifying.
Hiyori's brown eyes widened in dismay. She tightened her grip on my hands, that was the only thing that could keep me on the earth. And even though we were both usually not the type to hold hands, this was an occasion worthy of our overlooking of morals.
"So then, how is he?" Hiyori questioned.
"I don't know, they said that he's pretty bad," I said, leading her to a seat. I took the one next to her.
She buried her hands in her hair and whispered softly, "You think it's because of his father?" She asked.
"Huh?" I asked.
She stared at me and said slowly, "You mean, you don't know?"
Whatever I didn't know, I should probably know now. Because I felt torn apart.
"Let me ask you something," she began, "have you ever considered asking about Hairo's past?" She asked. And then it suddenly felt like the glass shattered. Or a bathtub overflowed. I suddenly felt a drowning feeling, a pain for which I had never felt. Because my eyes were blood shot with grief, but it dawned on me that I had no right to be grieving. I'd never care for others problems, and instead, shoving mine in their faces. I could only be brought speechless by what she had to say next, "A few years back, Mr. Hoshino, Hairo's dad, was announced with liver cancer," Hiyori finished.
I was shocked as she continued, "And just a few months ago, it was declared to be terminal," She explained.
I shook my head, "No, Hairo's always happy and-"
"Even the most free have their secrets. Don't you ever wonder why he always smiles? It's for his dad." she said.
I watched her lips in horror as she assumed her words, "His father received a transplant, but his cancer burned through it. Any chance of him getting a second was close to none."
"So you're saying...?" I asked, hoping that Hiyori was not assuming the worst.
"We both know Hoshino. Why not donate an organ to a dying man?"
Everything was quiet for a second. I processed what I had stepped into. Who I should have foreseen but was too blinded with my own affairs. My selfishness; I never knew it would lead me to overlooking a life and death situation. I was with Hairo more than anyone, and yet I never saw this. Why. It hurt some much to feel so powerless. Everything in the world could not grant me the strength to deal with this situation. Because it was beyond anyone's control. And what little doctors could do may be what kept him in the balance.
"I called the rest of the soccer team and told them to go get Yuzu and the others. Who all knows about his father?" I asked.
"Anyone who cares about him." Hiyori said.
Ouch, that stung.
"So then, we can guess that his friends are going to figure out his intentions?" I asked.
She nodded.
I drew my hand up over my face, "What are we going to do?"
"This is the boss's choice. He probably thought this over and expected we'd react this way. Hoshino has his reasons, which we have to have faith in." Hiyori said. In a so much stronger tone than mine. Over the months, I had become soft. A softness with strength it might be called.
A doctor emerged from the twin doors of the ICU. He was frowning and shaking his head.
In some ways, it felt like The Flood. Because I was the controlling type. And I was put in a situation where all I could do was trust another. I balled my hands into fists and braced myself for impact. I was going to try something new. I didn't want to be this way anymore. To point out my obvious flaw that were harming people. To not do anything about these flaws. I was going to change, even in the slightest way.
I was going to trust him. For whatever my pathetic heart was worth, I accepted the fact that I couldn't do anything. And I left myself open to whatever news may come.
The thunder cracked so loud that it seemed the devil was beating his wife. I shot up with a start and heaved and very deep breath. I had been sweating all night and my sheets were drenched. As I looked around my room, I saw nothing out of the ordinary, and no wet Otaku Cafe outfit.
Overjoyed, I rushed over to my cell phone, charging at the desk near my dresser. I ripped the charger out and stabbed my fingers on the buttons.
"Karin? Why are you calling me so late?" I heard, that same deep voice, as pleasant as ever. It was sleepy, though. I probably woke him up. Over the phone, he sounded healthy, though. I was so happy.
I sobbed right then and there, so joyous that it was all a dream.
"I had such a bad nightmare," I told him.
"Oh really.." He said, half asleep still.
I was quiet as he continued to talk. I tuned out the meaning of his words and just focused on that sweet tune. That which I'd thought I'd lost in my dream. His voice.
"Hey Hairo," I said, interrupting him.
"What?" He asked, yet again in his sleepy voice.
"Why don't you tell me about your family?" I said.
"Why do you want to know. It's too early anyway." he informed.
"Because I care about you," I said, mimicking Hiyori's words to me.
"That's a change of heart. Considering what happened in REM," he said.
My eyes widened. I'd almost forgotten about that. The event with Toshiro and I in the forest. It almost seemed like part of the dream.
I sighed, "Oh. About that-"
"Listen, I know I turned you down at the Tea House. And I kinda deserved it and all...But Iguess I was just a little shocked at first. Sorry for not...With you...You know," He said, tripping over his words.
Just like him to find the most positive reasoning behind everyone's actions. It was so uplifting. Hearing his voice after the horrifying nightmare.
"I'm so happy you're alive," I mustered.
"Wait..Did I ever die?" He asked.
I shook my head and made sure to smile with such glee, "Hairo, why did you tell me that it's better not to grow up?"
"Eh? I never said that.."
"Well, if you told me that, why do you think you would?" I asked
"I guess..I don't know! Because being an adult sucks."
"That's a terrible answer!" I said.
"Don't expect good responses at 3 in the morning." He groans.
"Oh I know!" He said after a second in silence. His half-dead voice suddenly brightened up, though it was still hoarse from the night's sleep, "I asked you to stay young because you're so little now! It's so cute!"
I shut the phone off, in frustration. I was not cute. How could he make such a deep question so unbelievable pedophile-like.
If I didn't know him. I'd assume he was a child molester right then and there. But somewhere in the back of my mind, the events of my dream did reflect something I needed to change. Something that had been tormenting me. My subconscious wanted it fixed.
My addictive personality. But that of course meant, getting rid of all the drugs. And my heroine was definitely Toshiro.
Author's Notes:
Very short because this is the depressing chappy XD Things start heating up from here. ^^ You guys'll have a lot to talk to me about in those reviews!
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