[A/N: Hello. I saw a tree today.]
"I hate this!" I say. "Gronkaroo!" I am sitting on Alice's couch with my hands folded half-angrily.
"Oh silly Belly. It's only for the weekend!" Alice trills.
I ignore her and eat some Chocolate Puffs. Then throw them at her. She blinks and grins and twirls about like a fairy princess.
When I can't take it, I go to work at the Newtons' sports shop. It's crazy because I hate sports! I mostly just like leading Mike on. I am stacking visors that remind me of dear Edward's little hot potato hat, when Mrs. Newton comes up and tells me they don't actually need me to work today and ushers me out the door. "Okay." I say and turn automatically in the direction of the Cullen's woodsy house. But there on the window of the sport's shop is a poster! It says, "Save the Olympic wolf bitchez and bloodsuckaz!". I immediately think Jacob which is odd because I usually think of Edward whenever I see anything. I suddenly want to see dear Jake! I leap klutzily into my truck and drive off in the direction of La Push beach…
When I arrive, I knock on the door before I can lose my stringy wavering confidence. Jacob answers. I get woozy trying to see every inch of his once-scrawny-now-HUGE and amazing body. "Jacob." I murmur.
"I'm so glad to see you here, Bella!" He grins and runs around really fast before doing a cartwheel. I feel like I used to with Jacob. Last year, when Edward left and I tried to kill myself and then he found me and then we fixed up motorcycles, we were friends! What a nice time. I do emotionless jazz hands. That's how carefree I feel.
"How have things been, Jake." I inquire.
"Okay...Bella why are we no longer friends?" he asks, his puppy eyes widening.
I am dismayed that the conversation has moved on that quickly. "Well. Edward just-"
"I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!" Jacob stops walking and jumps up and down angrily.
"Why?" I cry. I fall and break open my head. Jacob moans and carries me to a big piece of driftwood and lays me down. I blink blearily up at him and imagine that he is my boyfriend. I start drooling and he coughs awkwardly. It's attractive. That's a forbidden thought though, so I hit my head with a rock until Jacob slaps it out of my hands. I grapple for it but give up. Jacob runs around uncomfortably, then comes back and bites his lip.
"YEARS AGO IN A FAAAAR AWAY LAND...we ffooounndd that Cuuulleennns, hunting on our land!" Jacob starts to sing. I shush him because I've heard this story before.
I explain to him what happened in Italy. Jake in return tells me what happened while I was away! The wolf pack came across a Victoria smell. Minor interactions happened between Emmet and Paul when the two different things ran into each other (both following the scent.) Agreeing it was that the priority was always Bella, they followed it together. Unfortunately Victoria zipped off into the water and the Cullens weren't allowed past the boundary line.
"Aww you genial persons." I say, thinking of my soon to be family, eyes blinking more rapidly.
"Jeez. You never have emotion about me." Jacob whines. I blink at him, my mouth hanging open. He sighs and keeps going. (Something about how if I'd never jumped off the cliff we'd be hanging out at the ole garage). I stick out my tongue. I make a little "bleh" sound.
"You know, Sam's a little mad at you." Jacob giggles mischievously.
"What? Why?" I am dumbfounded.
"Well, he thinks you should hate the Cullens too after all they did to you."
"Nonononononononono." I trill, Alice-like. I interpretive dance around and explain why the Cullens are not to blame. It's me. They are perfect. I am a pathetic mortal little thing and if I hadn't existed everyone would be at peace. I'm so clumsy and ugly and deer-eyed.
"Yeah, that's true." Jacob reasons. "But Bella? Why do you love him? Really?" He looks a little desperate.
"Well it's mostly looks and money." I say.
"WHAT? Looks and money? I'm...I'm hurt!" Jacob cries, his wagging tail beating to an abrupt stop.
"What are you talking about? Shut up you dog. I love Edward because he is passionate and wonderful and understanding and awesome and he is literate and likes talking about how exceptional I am. If I had to pick someone within my own species I'd be stuck with MIKE NEWTON BLAAAAH because you aren't my species either!" He sticks out his lower lip and I pump my fists. "You're a werewolf! A werewolf! A werewolf!"
"No!" he cries again. Suddenly he grabs my hand and I make a meager attempt at escape, but I'm so weak and clumsy and unappealing I get nowhere. He places my hand on his heart so I can feel the heartbeat. I suddenly understand that he is in a lot of pain because of its rapid beats. I'm the light/angel/love/melody of his life, even if he's not mine, and I have been treating him almost badly. My anger subsides. I lie back down on the stick and marvel at the amount of emotion I just experienced.
There is a gauche silence. I ponder conversation starters. Let's see...Wuthering Heights? No, Jacob doesn't read. The rain? Nah, I hate it and Jacob loves it. That would just start an argument. America's Got Talent? Well they don't have aught on the talent of Edward...of Edward...wait, JACOB.
"How's Quil?" I blurt out. Yesssss.
"Quil's a werewolf." Jake says equally quickly and awkwardly. We chuckle with each other, and suddenly everything's okay. Yay!
"How's that treating him?" I question.
"Well, he's really happy. But I'm not. Neither is Sam."
"Why?" I ask, blankly.
"I'm such a crybaby." He blubbers.
"Tell me Sam's story." I say commandingly.
"Well, Sam changed first. He was a scared little mess until an elder talked to him. He was the oldest and we were too young so the rest of us would change later! So he waited...and waited...and waited...and then-boom! Sam fell in love! With-,"
"Emily," I finish intelligently.
"No. Leah Clearwater. She was, like 12, and he was 21."
"Eww." I squeal expressionlessly, scrunching my eyebrows a little. "That's a disgruntling age difference. He was too old for her."
Jacob says "hypocrite" under his breath. I don't really understand why.
"Really, she was like a freshman and he was a senior. Same difference."
"Well, okay." I say.
"But this is where it gets good," Jacob says, his black eyes lighting up like a puppy that has spotted a morsel of food. "See, they were going to get married! Leah's cousin Emily came to town. She was going to be the bridesmaid...and then...Sam saw Emily."
He pulls out a gong from behind his back and lets out one long drone, before humming the Jaws theme song. Then he goes quiet.
"Yes?" I press.
"Was that dramatic enough? I mean, I didn't want to be too over the top but-,"
"Jacob, I'll kiss you if you finish the story." I say.
"Ok!" He beams. "Anyways, Sam imprinted on Emily."
I giggle. "Imprint."
"What? No, imprinting isn't sexual at all. It's like soul mates. Okay so they got together. They ignored Leah's pain that her fiance dumped her for her cousin who was like her sister. Now he has to see her angry looks every day. The end. Now, give me a kiss."
"No," I say.
"But you said-"
"I was joking. Haha, joke? You know a caper? How do you imprint?"
"It's really simple, Bella." He says, annoyed.
"Then tell me? What does imprint really mean?" I ask with a hint of curiosity.
"Well it..." He trails off. Then he looks frustrated. "Imprinting means you...hold on let me think of how to explain this..."
5 minutes pass. Then 10...Then 25...Then 50...and after one whole hour passes of Jacob pondering the meaning of imprint, he gives up. I guess we'll never know what imprinting really means.
"Well, I think the whole thing sucks!" I say, with feeling. "I think that Sam is a jerk for doing that to poor Leah. I think that Emily is a bitch for going along with it! No wonder the poor girl is so angry all the time! I think if I were her, I'd have Sam run into my knife...I'd have him run into my knife ten times! Then I'd sing the cell block tango with other women whose men did them wrong! Leah is so much better off without that ^%$^$%#! in her life!"
Just joking. I actually just say, "Why doesn't Leah go jump off a cliff or something? There's a problem solver."
Jacob gives me a glare.
"Just kidding! Have you found your imprint?"
"No! God! Just Sam and Jarad."
For some strange reason, I'm relieved.
"Why are you and Edward so uncouth around each other?" I ask.
"I'm in love with you." Jacob says simply.
"You're so MEAN! You ruin everything." I whine, and run away, tripping on my legs.
"I beg you to stay!" Jacob screams after me.
"Next time you leave, I'll come back!" I caterwaul back, unsure what I meant by that.
I miss Edward. He's scrumptious.
[Do you like avocados?]
