It All Comes Apart

Chapter 2 - I Knew You'd Find This

Posted 6 January 2011

AUTHOR'S NOTE: aah. I posted this last night around 10 or eleven. And when I checked this morning, it was saying the chapter could not be found. I'm not sure why this keeps happening to me, but I'm gonna try to repost it. Please enjoy :D

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Josh went home that day and went right up to his room to talk to Drake. He couldn't let Drake think their fight was still going on. He had to let him know all was forgiven, and he wanted to go back to the way it always was. With them laughing and hanging out, and getting into fights over stupid stuff so the cycle would repeat until the end of the earth. That cycle was the center point of his life. It has been ever since he and Drake became brothers. He would never dream of breaking it. Even when he booted Drake out of his life, he knew he'd come around and forgive him eventually. But Josh thought maybe he took it too far. The things Drake said to him in the school hallway were very un-Drake. He'd sounded so desperate and so... so unloved that Josh was beginning to wonder what exactly he meant by "you're better of without me."

And when Josh got to his room, he didn't see Drake. There were signs of Drake having been there more recently than that morning; clothes all over (more than usual), guitar stand knocked over, bed made.

Josh ran down the stairs to see if maybe he'd somehow just walked past Drake. But he wasn't down there. Anywhere. "Mom, have you seen Drake?"

"No, I just got here right before you did. Why, is something wrong?" She answered with only a mild level of concern, knowing about their fight.

"I'm not sure. He walked out of school today after blowing up in front of the whole class."

"What?" Audrey said, surprised that Drake would go so far.

"Yeah, it looks like he's been home, but he's not here right now. I'm gonna go drive around and look for him."

"Ok, you do that Josh. I've got to go meet your father for dinner with..." she paused to think, "well, I can't remember who, but they're important." she shook her hand in the air, as if waving her embarrassment at not remembering the names away.

"Alright. Have a nice time." Josh said as she hurried to the door.

"Thanks. And could you call me as soon as you find Drake? I'm going to be worried about him all night now..."

"Don't worry, I'm sure I'll find him in no time." Josh said, and smiled when she did as she left.

Frantically, Josh hurried back up to his room to see if there were any clues as to where Drake went. Finding none, he went out to look for him, driving all around until it got to be so late he was sure Drake would have gone home.

But when he returned, Drake was not there. And when his parents returned and asked if he'd found Drake, he was ashamed to tell them he hadn't.

And when Drake still didn't show up in the morning, the police were called. Unfortunately, they told them that Drake had to be missing for 48 hours before they could file a missing person case and involve the police.

Josh thought maybe Drake would come to school at least. But no, he wasn't there either. And for the second day in a row, Josh returned to an empty bedroom.

When the time finally came for them to get the police to investigate, everyone was worried. Josh, in an effort to keep hopes up among the members of his family, hadn't told them about what Drake said to him. About being a fuck up and that Josh was better off without him.

The guilt was eating away at him. Like an acid burning right through him. It made him almost hate himself for taking the "I'm done with you" thing way to far. For making Drake feel like he was a bad brother. He never meant to do that.

He missed Drake so much. And it was worse than when they were fighting. When they were fighting, it didn't feel so bad because there wasn't anything to worry about. Josh had figured one day he'd decide he missed Drake too much and they'd talk and hug and be brothers again. He didn't expect Drake to take it to heart. Of all the things Josh had seriously wanted to drill into that boy's head, this is the one that sticks.

Josh needed to have hope that Drake was out there somewhere and heading home. He refused to think that Drake might have... well... oh, he couldn't even admit it in his thoughts. It was too much. Too real. Too horrible. And it was his fault.

Josh stood and walked over to the loft atop which Drake used to sleep. He climbed up the familiar ladder and looked down at the bed. And then it clicked.

When he had come home without Drake that first day, the bed had been made. Like, properly dressed and covered, pillows stacked perfectly. Drake Parker never ever made his bed. So why had he decided to do it?

Josh didn't fight the sudden urge to rip off all the bedding, instead he embraced it and tore each layer off, searching for clues. When he finally stripped the last layer off, there was a piece of paper folded up with "For Josh" written in blue sharpie.

Carefully, he unfolded the paper, and read the scribbled note Drake had written on it.

Josh,

I knew you'd find this note. Because you're smart. I knew you'd miss me so much you'd come look at my bed, as if I'll be able to sense your guilt. And I knew you'd notice the bed was made. It was only a matter of time until you found it. I bet it didn't even take you a week. Well, I want you to know I'm safe, wherever I end up. I didn't commit suicide. I know that's what you're thinking, but I swear to you that's not it. I wouldn't do that even if things had reached that point. I just needed some space. Like you need your space from me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry. I know it probably hurts to have me gone, because we've become so close in the short time we've been a family. And I know I'm gonna miss you a lot too. But, as I said, you're better off without me. I realize it's going to take a while for you to realize, but you really are better off without me. I could see it. And when I saw you were going to forgive me after I messed up like that, well, I just couldn't let you.

I'm not coming home, Josh. Unless the police find me and drag me there. I know you'll have them looking for me, because you think you miss me. But trust me, if there's one thing I've never been wrong about its how much I love you and Mom and Dad and Megan. Even Grammy. But I just feel that all of them will benefit from my leaving as well, so I'm sure I'm making the right decision by running away.

I really do love you Josh, a whole lot. I know you don't think I do, but it's true. And it's the kind of love you're not supposed to have for your brother. That's right. All the scenarios (that's a word I learned from your word-of-the-day calendar, cool, right?) I've pictured in my head about telling you that and this is what it comes to. And you can show this to whoever you want, it won't affect me. I'm already gone. And I plan on staying that way. And if you think the cops are going to be able to use it as evidence, I don't care. Let them try. I'm sorry, but I won't let myself be found, because then I'll be desperate to come home to you, and I'll only make everyone's lives even more miserable.

And I do have one favor to ask you before I'm completely out of your life. Could you tell Walter I said thanks for everything? He's been a really great dad to me and Megan, and I'm so thankful for that.

I think that's it. It's hard for me to write this while I pack my things. Your face keeps popping into my head. I almost crumpled this paper up a few times and decided not to leave. But we both know I had to do this. So I want you to be happy Josh. I want you to be the kind of happy you can only be when I'm not around. And I'm sorry if there's anything else I forgot to say.

Yours,

Drake Parker

Josh read the note for what seemed the hundredth time before he finally realized what this meant. Drake was gone. Forever. He was never going to see Drake again.

And he felt something entirely new when he'd read the part about love. Drake really loved him? In that way? Josh thought about that for a long time. He finally came to the conclusion that he was flattered even though he didn't quite return the feelings. But he could feel the kind of love he did have for Drake, the friendship/brothership kind, and wondered if there was room for any other kind. When the thought "There's always room for Drake," popped into his head, he had his answer.

Now all he had to do was decide what to do with the note. He knew he should show it to his parents and let them give it to the police. But this was personal. He almost felt like it would be betraying Drake by handing it over, but he'd said it was ok to do that. And there was something else. Drake had left that note for him. No matter how many people ever read it, it was written for him alone. And that only made it worse when he decided to give it to his parents and explain what had happened during Chemistry that fateful day.