It All Comes Apart

Chapter 3 - Adjusting To Life Without You

Posted 7 January 2011

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A week after Josh found the note, he gave it to his parents. They read it again and again, just like he had at first. When they were ready to accept that Drake had run away, they looked up at him, mouths agape and eyes wet with tears.

"I know this sounds funny," Audrey choked through a small smile, "but I'm almost relieved. I thought, well, you know I thought maybe he was kidnapped or something. And I'm heartbroken he's gone, but knowing it was his decision makes it better... somehow."

"That's not funny, I know exactly what you mean." Josh said quietly. He couldn't even find words for how relieved he was once Drake said he hadn't killed himself. "And I have to tell you guys something."

"What is it, son?" Walter said. He was also freaking out about Drake's disappearance. And knowing he was alright, wherever he was, kind of lessened that worry. Not that it made him miss him any less, it just made it a little easier to deal with. And despite the sad gravity of the note, it made him so happy to see that Drake thought he was a great dad. He'd often wondered if Drake didn't like him that much, since they'd never really bonded, but now he knew what Drake really felt. It was sad it had to come out as a result of him running away, but that didn't make a difference in the happiness he felt for it.

"Um... the day Drake ran away, we sort of had a big fight in Chemistry." Josh explained, unable to meet their eyes. He continued to tell them everything that happened, not leaving out any details. He told them everything Drake said and explained how it corresponded with the note.

When tears started streaming down Josh's face, Audrey stepped forward and hugged him. "Josh, don't feel bad. You made a little mistake, you didn't know you would affect Drake this way, but we're going to find him."

"I just feel like I should have noticed it was hurting him so much." Josh responded.

"Well... I think his... feelings... for you made it more difficult for him to accept that you didn't want him in your life anymore." Walter said, surprising Josh. "There was not way you could have known he felt that way."

"I know."

"How do you... how do you feel about Drake?" his mom asked.

"Oh, uh, I'm not really... sure about it." Josh said.

"Well, your father and I talked about the possibility of this. A while ago actually." Audrey said seriously.

"Really?" Josh said, disbelieving.

"Yeah. You boys became so close so fast. It was easy to see you cared about each other a lot. And, I've always had my suspicions about Drake, no matter how many girls he's dated."

"You mean you think he's gay?"

"I don't know. I'd always hoped he'd come talk to me about it. Or maybe you. But he never did. So I can't be sure. Maybe you're just an exception. But either way, your father and I both wondered if maybe you two weren't becoming a little too close."

"Yeah." Walter added. "You guys were so comfortable around each other. It looked like you might be, you know, falling for each other."

Josh just stared at them. He could hardly believed they had suspected this all along when he didn't see it until Drake had spelled it out in the note.

"We'd be fine with it." Audrey said when it was clear Josh wasn't going to say anything. "If you two wanted to be together. We wouldn't have a problem with it."

"It sounds strange, but you boys aren't related, there really isn't anything that should stop you." Walter explained.

"And that will still hold true after we find him. I'm not saying you're going to, but if you would decide to become involved with each other, we aren't going to stand in your way. We want both of you to be happy."

"Thanks." Josh finally managed to speak. His life had been full of surprises ever since Drake left. He could not believe his parents were giving him the go-ahead to fall in love with his brother.

"I think we need to show the note to the police, though, Josh." Walter said sadly. "I know it's very personal, but they need to know he ran away."

"I know. If it helps them find him, they can have it. Drake said it was ok anyway."

"They'll probably give it back to you once they're done with it."

"I hope so." Josh admitted.

X

The next two weeks were harder on Josh. He kept thinking about Drake. Everyone did, but they didn't have as much to think about as he did. Drake was in love with him.

Josh wondered if he could fall in love with Drake. He immediately knew the answer was yes. He just didn't know how. And he didn't know if he did love Drake. Not in that way at least.

But every so often, a thought would sneak into his head about Drake. How his hair was so perfectly shaped for his small face. How he couldn't stand to see pain in Drake's eyes. How good he looked in that one pair of jeans that was tight in all the right places. All the times they've helped each other out of tough situations. His intoxicating hips. His magical singing voice.

By the time a month had gone by since Drake left, Josh was beginning to feel that maybe he was starting to fall in love with Drake. Of course, he'd think, I finally realize it once he's gone.

And by the end of the second month, Josh had told his parents that yes, he was absolutely in love with Drake. They just nodded and pulled him into a tight hug, telling him everything was going to turn out just fine.

Unfortunately, this was also the time that the police told them the case wasn't going anywhere. They were pulling out. They apologized, claiming there were other more serious cases that needed their attention.

Josh had been furious, but there was nothing he could do. The note was returned to him. And that was it. He officially lost all hope of ever finding Drake. He could tell his parents had clung to some false hope, but that was gone by the time the chief of police hung the phone up. Megan tried to look like it didn't affect her, but she was noticeably less enthusiastic with her pranks. Josh couldn't tell if it was because she missed Drake or because there was less gratification in only pranking Josh, but when he hear her crying in the middle of the night, he knew she was upset her brother was missing.

It was so hard to try and accept that this was it. Drake was never coming back. He supposed he'd known this all along, but the police not helping made it more definite. It was done now. There wasn't anything anyone could do.

Once in a while, Josh would root through Drake's stuff. He liked to note what was missing. To know exactly what he'd taken with him. One day, Josh was given the duty of returning Drake's text books to their appropriate teachers since it didn't look like Drake would be returning to school any time soon. Josh picked them up, and looked at the Chemistry one. Stupid chemistry. Somewhere along the line he'd started to hate that class. Wondering if Drake had even opened it once, Josh pulled the front cover back. What he saw almost knocked him to the ground.

It was another folded piece of paper, just like the first one. Once again, "For Josh" was written on the front. He quickly tore it open and read it.

Dude,

You are too predictable. I don't mean that in a bad way. It works for you. So, how long did it take you to find this one? I wasn't sure if you would. But, obviously, if you're reading it, you did. Even I'm able to figure that out.

I felt bad leaving you like that. Just that one note. I'm sorry I had to say those things. But it was necessary. A clean break, you know? And who knows, maybe you've gotten over it already. I hope you're doing well, no matter what.

And I'm sorry about suddenly springing the other thing on you. About loving you. I know it probably freaked you out. But I had to tell you. Leaving without saying it felt a bit like lying to you. And I didn't want to do that, not if I was trying to make your life better.

But I thought maybe it would explain some things. You know I was always thinking about you. Always. And I know you don't believe that, because how many times have I forgotten about you? Really important things like your birthday and of course the chemistry exam. But it was all because I loved you so much. I was thinking about you so much, I sort of got lost in my thoughts and forgot about the real you. Because the real you didn't love me, but the one in my head did. Does.

And I probably shouldn't do this, it's probably going to hurt more than help, but I can't help but be a little selfish when it comes to you. But I bought a cell phone. One of those prepaid ones. I got it on my way home from school that day. I'd hoped you wouldn't find this note until after the police butt out, but there isn't anything I can do if you find it before then.

The number is 555-1068. It's got 10 minutes on it. And I'll keep it on every day and night. I'm not asking for anything, or expecting anything. I just thought, if the transition was especially hard for you when you find this note, talking to me might make it easier for you. Or if you were angry at me you could call me and tell me that. Or if you were already over me you could call just to check up. All I know is hearing your voice one more time would be like the greatest thing ever. See? Selfish. But like I said, I'm not expecting anything of you. I've done that enough already. You could give the number to Mom or Dad if you don't want to call me. Or even Megan. I'm not going to hold my breath, but I'll still keep the phone with me just in case.

Still Yours,

Drake Parker

A phone? Drake had a phone? And he was waiting for Josh to call him. Drake was turning out to be smarter than anyone gave him credit for. Hiding the note in a book Josh would have to work up the strength to even open. He wondered if there were more notes floating around, carefully hidden so he would find them at just the right moment. But he didn't have time to think about that as he realized what was in the note. Drake had a phone! A phone! He could call him! He could talk to him, tell him he missed him and wanted him to come home. He could tell him he loved him.

He reached for his own cell phone, and keyed in the number. His hands started to sweat as he pressed the call button.

The phone rang. It was ringing! It felt like forever until there was a click and a voice came through from the other end. "Josh?"

"Drake?" Josh asked quietly. "Drake, is that you?"

There was a long silence until Drake finally answered, "Yeah, it's me."

"Drake... I..."

"So you found the note, then." Drake said, a tiny amount of amusement in his voice. "I knew you would. A bit earlier than what I guessed, but I'm not complaining. Thanks for calling."

"Drake... where are you?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes! Drake, I miss you so much..."

"I know you do. But really, I love it where I am. I have a job. And friends. I don't have you, or the rest of my family, but... other than that it's great here."

"Really?" Josh said, wondering how Drake had learned to support himself in a strange place in such a short time.

"Yeah."

"But that doesn't change the fact that I miss you."

"Josh... you need to move on. I know it's hard, but it'll get easier. You just need to give it more time."

"Is it getting easier for you?" Josh asked, wondering if Drake was really fine without him.

Drake hesitated again. "No." he finally said, proving Josh's point. "But that's different."

"No, it isn't." Josh said. Drake didn't have anything to say to that. "I found the note on your bed just a few days after you left."

Drake laughed. Almost like a giggle, but with some sadness in it. "Of course you did. I wouldn't expect otherwise."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Josh asked.

"I wanted to. You have no idea how bad I wanted to tell you. But what was I supposed to say, Josh? 'Hey, bro, I'm in love with you' just wasn't as easy as it sounds."

"I know, but..."

"But nothing. I can't go back and change it. It is what it is."

"You sound different." Josh said.

"I have a cold." Drake said, adding a sniff for effect.

"I don't mean that. I mean you sound like a different person."

"Yeah, well, I am a different person. I've grown up a little."

"Because you ran away?" Josh asked, feeling stupid.

"No, it happened before that. After you kicked me out of your life, I realized I can't stay a kid forever. And that childish dreams of instant fame and a fairytale romance aren't realistic enough to base your life decisions on."

"I'm so happy to talk to you, Drake."

"I know. Hearing your voice is like... heaven, Josh. I just wish I could see you and hear you at the same time."

"Then come home. Or tell me where you are, I'll come there."

"No, Josh. I can't come home. And by the time you'd get here, I'll be gone. So, when did the cops stop searching? For a while I saw my face on the news, asking if anyone had seen me. I didn't really realize when it stopped."

"Just a few days ago." Josh said. It felt weird to picture Drake watching tv. He was a runaway. Runaways don't watch tv. And it was even weirder to think about him watching a broadcast about himself being missing. "Drake," Josh started, but Drake interrupted him.

"Josh, we've only got a minute left."

"Drake, I..."

"Josh, please, don't come looking for me. I know you're thinking you can track the cell phone, but if I take the battery out, you won't be able to. It'll only make it worse if you start trying to find me again."

"What would you have done if the cops had tried to track the phone before I called you?"

"I don't know. I was counting on you calling me right away."

"You're really smart, Drake."

"Street smart is different from book smart, Josh. 10 seconds."

"Drake, I have to tell you..."

"Goodbye, Josh."

The line went dead. Josh tried to call again, figuring there were still 7 seconds left on the phone. 7 seconds was enough time to tell Drake he loved him. But the call wouldn't go through. Instead he went right to voicemail. "Josh," Drake's prerecorded voice graced his ears, "hang up the phone. Forget about me. Please."

The beep sounded, and Josh thought he could say "I love you" in a message, but he knew Drake had already turned off the phone, never to turn it on again. He'd probably disassembled it and scattered the pieces by now. It was no use.