It All Comes Apart

Chapter 4 - Incomplete Photo Album

Posted 7 January 2011

o0O0o

Josh just stood, cell phone in hand, staring into nothing. He'd had 10 minutes to tell Drake he loved him. 10 minutes. Well, 9 minutes and 53 seconds. But he'd wasted them. Now Drake would never know. He'd had a bit of hope when he found the note, but now it was gone.

Josh kept this note a secret. The police couldn't do anything with it even if they wanted to, so Josh just kept it locked in his desk drawer with the first one. They were the only things in there. It felt like he was disrespecting Drake by putting anything else in there with them, so he didn't. Every now and again, Josh would pull them out and look at them, reading them countless times.

He dialed the number every day, having committed it to memory. For the first couple weeks, the outgoing message played for him. But after a while, a new message played saying the number had been disconnected. Josh knew the prepaid cell phones needed to be renewed after a certain period of nonuse, so once he realized that connection to Drake was gone he stopped calling.

Graduation came and went. And it was halfway through summer before Josh gained the strength to look at his photo album. He'd often thought about it, even opened it to the first picture once, but it was so painful. Those memories meant everything to him. But he tried not to think of them.

He tried to forget Drake, just as he'd said to. He didn't want to. He loved him. But Drake was never coming back. He couldn't let this get in the way of his own life. That's what he told himself, anyway.

Opening the photo album he studied each picture, looking at himself and Drake. They really were close. If he was unfamiliar with the two boys in the picture, he would say they looked like they were in love. Or on the verge of it. He wondered when Drake fell in love with him. He wondered if Drake was gay or if he just loved Josh so much it didn't matter that he was a man. He wondered why he never realized he was in love with Drake in the first place.

The pictures made him feel homesick, even though he was sitting in the middle of his bedroom. He got about halfway when he noticed about six pictures were missing. And sure enough, in one of the sleeves, there was another piece of paper with "For Josh" written on it.

He almost didn't want to read it. What else could Drake possibly have to say to him? If he wanted Josh to forget about him, why did he keep reminding him that he's gone?

But of course he read it. He had to.

Josh,

This is the last one, I swear. I just wanted to tell you I took a few of the pictures in this album. I thought they'd help me.

I only took ones I know you have duplicates of. That way you wouldn't be angry with me if you discovered this before you got over me being gone.

I'm guessing you've probably talked to me by now if you've gotten this far. In fact, I'd bet my life on it. I set everything up perfectly. For once.

Like I said, this is the last note. There aren't any more hidden around to torture you during this difficult time. The notes were meant to make the transition easier. To kind of ease you into being without me for real. It probably didn't work. I wouldn't be surprised. But I had to do something. I couldn't let you worry about me.

But this is it. I'm gone for good. Do you know how weird that sounds? To talk about yourself as if you don't exist anymore? But that's how it should be. I shouldn't exist in your life.

I'll never forget all you've done for me. And I'll always love you, no matter what. Even though I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean anything to you. But that's good. It's better that way. I wish you all the happiness in the world, Josh.

Always Yours,

Drake Parker

And that was it. The last note. And Josh was surprised about how he felt. He'd been angry when he first found it, wondering if Drake was actually trying to hurt him by rubbing his absence in his face. But for some reason, it actually did make it easier. But it made it harder too.

Sure it made it easier to accept that Drake was really gone. Sort of softened the blow so he wouldn't fall completely apart. But they were a constant reminder that he'd driven Drake away.

After he stuffed the third note in the drawer with the other two, he pulled out his box of extra photos. As he searched for the duplicates of the ones Drake had taken, he marveled at how clever Drake really was. Using the notes to keep Josh from freaking out too much. Planning their discovery so carefully so everything would happen in the perfect order. Especially the third note. Drake had known Josh wouldn't be able to look at that album for a very long time.

Josh found the missing photographs and replaced them in the album, once again completing it. This went in the drawer with the notes. And then he promised himself (and Drake) that he would try to live a happy life. Without the one person he loved the most.