After such a response* to Chapter 1, I decided to turn this oneshot into a twoshot. I did get intune with Mercedes when writing this, because I understand where she is coming from... I hope you find it insightful? And less biased towards Rachel (no promises due to Rach being mah favourite character)?
*Yes, I count 5+ responses and amazingly good ;) Also, many of them asked for a response from Mercedes.
Dear Rachel,
You said you wanted me to understand, well how about we try it the other way round, shall we? You think you are the only one who secretly hurts inside and the only one with loneliness? You aren't.
Rachel Barbara Berry, have you ever been second best? Even with the spotlight, after losing solos every so often, was it ever truly lost? Have you once looked in the mirror and thought, I'm not good enough for this? I don't think you really have, because you don't settle for second best but some of us don't have a choice.
I never get my solo, Rachel. I fight and fight but somehow, I'm always beaten to it. Somebody is prettier, thinner, more determined than me. Even when I do get a solo – when I get to sing my heart out and be heard – I'm not really in the spotlight because it still belongs to somebody else. I get my solo when you don't want it, or when Santana has a sore throat; never because I apparently 'deserve' it.
That does something to somebody, you know. Jesse St James once stated that I was lazy because I didn't try hard enough or practice long enough. Want to know why? I was tired of trying just to be shot down. I knew I wouldn't get that spot so what was the point of practising a choreography just to be told it didn't compare to Rachel Berry standing still and simply singing?
Do you remember when I got to close the show? That was after you told me how I wasn't determine enough... You said I had the friends whilst you didn't, but you're wrong. Remember Kurt? My best friend, you know him, right? I know you do because now you are the one he calls best friend instead of me.
I get why, don't get me wrong. You two have all this and that in common and stuff like that; it doesn't hurt less. He chose you over me. He didn't even know he was doing it and neither did you, but I saw it. The way that Kurt/Mercedes time was made less and less whilst Kurt/Rachel time increased tenfold. I told myself that I didn't need him because I had other friends, I even have a boyfriend. It didn't shift the sadness I feel about it when at 7.30pm every night my phone doesn't ring like it used to for Gossip hour.
I have a question: what time does he ring you? Do you sing with each other at the end of it?
Maybe I haven't tried to commit suicide like you did, but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings! Yes, you sang well in the audition and you would make a good Maria, I just know that for once I truly was better. I didn't step off that stage thinking "what if..." or hating myself for not beating you. When I went home that night I was able to look in the mirror and say "I wasn't second best but instead number one!" which is a rare occurrence for me.
It did kill me inside to hear we both got the role because I thought I was finally good enough! I thought that I, for once, had outshone Miss Berry, but I didn't.
Now I sound pathetic, and I'm not. You bring out the worst in me so often. You make me start to demand things that are irrational and to think things that are demeaning about myself! That isn't fair. I thought that when we became friends, even via Kurt, it would change things. Then we spoke in the car and I felt like we connected. I thought you finally understood, would give me the chance to shine as bright as you are able to. I guess I was mistaken and don't really have your support after all.
You know what? I guess I'm reaching a stage where I just don',t care any more. I don't think I have to respect you just because you can sing. I can sing just as well, heck so can Kurt. Why do you get to be centre of attention again? So you get called more names than me and sure you get slushied more than me, it doesn't mean you deserve it more. Mr Shue didn't even care about that before so why now?
It doesn't matter anyway now. I have quit glee; well at least New Directions. I couldn't showcase my talent at all and was tired of being in your shadow. This may hurt you, but what do I care because we aren't friends any more – I joined your mother's show choir. I know I'll get to be the best I can be when I'm in there.
I take that back, by the way. I am sorry about your mum not wanting you but it isn't enough of a reason to hold me back. You didn't care enough about my feelings to not take the part of Maria and so this is really potAto and potato. I bet you get the sympathy and Kurt.
I don't want to hurt you or anybody else, but I don't want to hurt myself more. I need to do this because it is killing me when I'm not. I'm sorry, I guess, just not sorry enough not to do this because I need to. You are determined and you must be able to see which angle I am coming from.
Girl, I'm sorry we can't be friends.
Mercedes.
Tell me now? How bad, good or any other adjective was it? I really want to know what you thought because I don't really know how well I portrayed Mercedes at all. :)
