Everything Is Never As It Seems

~~Chapter Five: Somewhere Along in the Bitterness~~

Arthur figured it was the sight of his only son dragging a giant mattress through the castle halls by himself that drove his father over the edge.

"What are you doing, Arthur?" Uther asked when he found Arthur trying to fit the mattress through the doorway of a particularly tight staircase.

Arthur dropped the mattress with a groan, standing straight up and panting.

"I…I thought that…I just wanted Merlin to be more comfortable."

"Your servant?" Uther asked, as though the idea was far beyond the king's reach.

Arthur bristled. "He's not just…yes, it's for him."

Arthur wasn't in the mood to explain this to his father again; that Merlin was more than just a "servant." The way his father said it made it sound like Merlin was no more than a bug, and that Arthur was wrong to care about how he felt.

"How long has it been since you've slept properly, Arthur?" Uther asked sternly.

"I…I don't know," Arthur answered. Days probably, but he wasn't about to tell his father that.

"I'll have one of the servants bring him something to make him more comfortable. You must get some sleep."

"But-"

"That's an order, Arthur." The way he said it left no room for argument.

So naturally, Arthur tried to argue anyway.

"Father-"

"There's nothing you can do for the boy now, Arthur. He's in good hands under Gaius' care."

"I know, but-"

"Arthur." Uther said his name more gently this time, and he took a step toward the prince and put his hand on his shoulder. "You're running yourself ragged, my son. You need to rest. Would he want you to stay up all night worrying?"

Arthur thought about it, then said, "No, Father."

Uther smiled as he leaned over and kissed Arthur gently on the top of his head.

"Then get some sleep. I will have Gaius notify you if anything changes. For now, we can only wait. And hope."

Arthur nodded and started down the hallway without a fight. Truth be told, he was tired, and he hadn't realized just how tired until his father had mentioned it. The idea of sleep sounded wonderful.

He just didn't think he'd be able to sleep right now even if he tried.

He was halfway down the hallway when the king called out to him.

"Arthur?"

Arthur turned and looked at his father expectantly. Uther had a strange look on his face. Arthur couldn't quite place it. He thought he just about had it when Uther shook his head and it was gone.

"Good night, Son."

"Good night, Father." Arthur turned and headed toward his chambers, leaving the king alone to wonder just how Arthur had managed to get the mattress stuck in the stairwell.

When Arthur made it to his room, he collapsed on the bed, fully clothed, and stared up at the canopy above him. There was no way he could fall asleep. No way…

A minute later, he was snoring loudly.


Arthur woke to the sound of banging on his door. He grumbled grouchily before saying, "Come in."

"Sire?"

Arthur opened his eyes to find Gwen peeking her head around the door. Gwen didn't usually come to visit him. He sat up in bed. "Guinevere? What is it?"

"I've brought you some food," she answered, stepping inside and showing him the tray she carried.

Arthur didn't feel very hungry, but he didn't want to be rude, either.

"Thank you. Please, come in."

Gwen smiled as she entered, setting the tray down on the table. She took the lid off one of the platters, and the smell of fresh sausage overwhelmed him. He inhaled deeply.

"Sausages," Gwen said with a smile, knowing full well Arthur had already deduced that. "I know they're your favorite."

"That they are," Arthur responded, and before he knew what he was doing he was at the table shoveling sausages into his mouth so enthusiastically it was almost perverse.

Gwen let out a giggle before she could stop herself, but Arthur was too busy with his food to notice. He finally paused for a second to swallow and take a sip of water from his goblet. He drank thirstily before tearing into a piece of bread.

"How did you know?" he managed to ask around the hunk of bread in his mouth.

"Merlin told me."

It should have been funny how quickly Arthur lost his appetite. Merlin certainly would have found it funny. But Merlin wasn't there. Merlin was dying, and it was Arthur's fault. Memories of the last few days came crashing down on Arthur, threatening to drown him under their crushing weight.

Arthur felt sick. He barely had time to turn aside before his breakfast came back up.

When he was done – when the spasms finally stopped and he could breathe again – he found himself kneeling on the floor and panting. He felt a hand gently rubbing his back in slow circles, and he turned to find Gwen next to him, watching him with concern.

"I'm sorry." He wiped at his mouth uselessly and turned away. He didn't know what else to say or what to do. He'd never felt more helpless in his life.

Thankfully, Gwen was there, and she seemed to know just what he needed.

She found a towel and wet it using water from Arthur's goblet. She handed it to him and let him clean his mouth as she stood and crossed over to his bed. She pulled down the covers Arthur had fallen asleep on top of last night. Then she went to Arthur's wardrobe, where she managed to find him some nightclothes. She handed them to him quietly, smiling softly. She took the water bucket from the corner and left him alone to change, which he did slowly, lost in his thoughts.

When Gwen returned a few minutes later, Arthur was dressed for bed but seated at the window, staring wordlessly out into the afternoon.

Gwen cleaned up the mess on the floor, still without saying a word. Then she refilled Arthur's water goblet and brought it to him. He took it, hands trembling. He drank slowly but deeply, trying to calm the aching in his stomach. He drained the goblet and handed it back to her.

"Thank you, Guinevere," he whispered roughly, trying to convey how grateful he was with the three simple words. Gwen, ever kind and ever tactful, smiled at him and curtsied slightly.

Arthur turned back toward the window and felt his eyelids drooping. The world outside the window seemed to blur.

"I should…bed…" Arthur muttered drowsily. He stood up and the room spun around him. Gwen reached out a hand and gently grabbed his arm, leading him toward his bed. Arthur collapsed into it and let her pull the covers over him.

He knew he should be furious with her for drugging him, but at the moment he was only grateful.

As he drifted into unconsciousness, Arthur heard Gwen speak for the first time since she'd brought him his food.

"Merlin's going to be all right, Sire. I know he is. He's stronger than we give him credit for."

Arthur hoped she was right. Through the haze of fatigue, he managed to say "thank you" again before the drugs pulled him into a deep, dreamless sleep.


When Arthur woke up, he was sore and stiff. He sat up in bed and rubbed his back. How long had he been asleep?

He got up slowly and shuffled to the window. It was noon, the sun high up in the sky overhead. It didn't look like the sun had moved at all since he'd last stared out this window.

Which meant he'd been asleep for awhile.

He had to check on Merlin.

He threw on some clothes and hurried out of the room.

Arthur found himself outside Gaius' door in record time. He knocked quickly and let himself in.

He found the physician eating lunch.

"Gaius."

Gaius looked at him and smiled warmly. Arthur felt a small glimmer of hope light up in chest. If Gaius was smiling, then that must mean…

"How's Merlin?"

"He woke up last night, a bit groggy and confused, but without fever. I explained everything I could about what happened to him, but he couldn't remember anything beyond the wolf attack. His wounds are healing nicely and the medicine seems to be helping. I can't make any promises, Sire, but I do believe that, given time, Merlin is going to be fine. Or at least, what passes for 'fine' where Merlin is concerned." Gaius smiled again and went back to his food.

Arthur let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding and crashed onto the bench across from Gaius as relief washed though him. He leaned on the table and put his head in his hands

Fine. Merlin was going to be fine. Arthur had gotten to him in time. He wasn't going to die.

He sat silently until Gaius' voice pulled him from his thoughts.

"He's awake now if you'd like to see him. Guinevere is attempting to get some food in him."

Arthur sat up. "See him…yes," he said in a daze as he got up from the table. "Gaius, I…thank you."

The physician shook his head and stood up as well. "Thank you, Sire, for bringing Merlin home." Gaius bowed gratefully.

Arthur didn't feel like he deserved the thanks – this was all his fault, after all – but he accepted it regardless with a quiet "you're welcome."

Gaius went back to his meal and Arthur went up the short flight of stairs to Merlin's room. He knocked softly and entered when Gwen responded, "Come in."

Arthur found Gwen at Merlin's bedside, holding a bowl of broth that she was spoon feeding Merlin.

Merlin looked pale, small, and thinner than usual, which for Merlin was a scary feat. But he was awake, and eating…and alive.

Arthur stood and just stared at Merlin long enough to make things awkward before Gwen broke the silence.

"I'll just…go and get more water."

She walked nervously past Arthur and left the room, shutting the door behind her.

Arthur smiled at Merlin as he crossed the room and sat down in the chair Gwen had just vacated.

They sat in awkward silence, neither knowing what to say. When Arthur couldn't stand it anymore, he asked, "How do you feel, Merlin?"

"Fine, Sire," Merlin answered quietly.

"Good. That's good."

More silence.

"So…Gaius says he believes you're going to make a full recovery."

"Yes…I hope so, Sire," Merlin replied.

The awkwardness was almost suffocating.

"Do you remember anything? After the…after you were attacked?"

Merlin seemed to consider. "I remember…being attacked by the wolf…I crawled into a cave…after that…nothing. Then I woke up last night. Gaius told me…you found me and brought me back."

"Yes, I did," Arthur said with a nod.

"Thank you, Sire," Merlin said softly, bowing his shoulders slightly.

The gesture looked awkward and uncomfortable. Merlin never bowed to him. And since when did Merlin call him "Sire" every two seconds? This whole situation seemed…wrong. Awkward. Uncomfortable. Arthur could practically feel the tension in the room. The formality. The short answers. The lack of jokes. Merlin was never this quiet, or this…sad.

Something had changed between them.

And Arthur hated it.

This wasn't how he wanted things to go. This wasn't-

"As soon as I'm healed, I wish to return to Ealdor."

Arthur felt his heart sink into his gut. "You want to leave?"

"Yes, Sire."

"You…I…" Arthur spluttered, not sure what to say.

"With your permission, Sire," Merlin added.

Merlin wanted to leave? He'd been afraid of this; afraid he'd pushed Merlin away. He hadn't wanted this, but…could he blame Merlin?

No. He couldn't.

"Of course, Merlin. If that's what you want."

"It is."

"All right, then. I guess…okay."

The room was shrinking around Arthur. He couldn't breathe. He was going to suffocate. He had to get out.

Now.

"Well, I'll tell Guinevere to come back so you can finish eating. Feel better, Merlin."

Arthur walked out without another word. He walked past Gwen and Gaius sitting at the table. One of them called out to him, he wasn't sure whom, but he kept walking. He walked right out of the castle and onto the grounds.

He kept walking.

Then he ran.


For the next three days, Arthur threw himself into training. He pushed his knights hard, pushed himself harder. He was tough on them. He lost his temper. He yelled at them. If any of them noticed a change in their prince none of them said anything.

Merlin would have said something. He would have told Arthur he was being a prat, and Arthur would have smacked him, and then he would have backed off. But Merlin wasn't talking to Arthur, and Arthur wasn't talking to Merlin. If Merlin wanted to leave, he was free to go. Arthur didn't need him anyway, he was a terrible servant.

He pushed his knights even harder. Trained longer. Ordered the other servants around.

A week after his talk with Merlin, no one was speaking to him.

Then one day, when Arthur was walking through the marketplace, not doing anything in particular, he yelled at a boy on the streets for staring at him the wrong way.

Morgana, who was shopping with Gwen at a jewelry stand nearby, saw the whole thing. As the boy ran away crying and the other townspeople gave him a wide berth, Morgana stomped over to Arthur and smacked him hard across the face.

"What was that for?" Arthur shrieked incredulously, holding his face.

"I don't know what's gotten into you, Arthur Pendragon, but you need to stop it.

"What are you talking about?"

"As if you don't know. Ever since Merlin woke up you've been a royal prat to everyone you come across."

"I have not."

"Don't play stupid, Arthur. You haven't been yourself lately. Everyone can see it. Your knights, the servants, even your father. I've never seen you like this before."

Arthur stared at the ground, feeling properly shamed. Morgana was the only one who could be this blunt with him. Well, aside from Merlin.

Morgana sighed and the anger seemed to leave her. She continued more gently.

"Sir Leon came to me the other day. He told me you've been acting strangely. Everyone's worried about you, Arthur."

That got his attention. He looked up at Morgana.

"Worried?"

"Yes. Arthur…tell me what's bothering you. Please."

"I…" Arthur didn't know where to start.

"Does this have to do with Merlin?"

Before he knew it, Arthur was telling her everything. He left out the part about Merlin's magic, but he told her what was bothering him. How he'd had an argument with Merlin the night he left Camelot. How Merlin seemed different now. How things between them had changed. How he was afraid that he'd pushed Merlin away for good. How Merlin wanted to go back to Ealdor.

"You don't want him to leave, do you?"

"I…no, I don't," Arthur finally admitted, not just to Morgana but to himself.

"Well, did you tell him that?"

"No. I told him he was free to go if he wanted to."

Morgana rolled her eyes and groaned loudly, shaking her head. "Men."

"What about 'men'?" Arthur asked defensively.

"Arthur, I realize this is a difficult concept for you to grasp. But you need to talk to him."

Arthur rolled his eyes. Typical woman's answer to everything: talk it out.

"I mean it, Arthur," Morgana continued. "If you're afraid you pushed him away, then you need to talk to him about that. He's not going to know you're sorry unless you talk to him. And if you don't want him to leave, you need to tell him. Otherwise he's going to think that you want him to go, and he'll leave, and nothing will change. You'll lose a friend for nothing."

Arthur stood silent for a moment, pondering Morgana's words.

"Just talk to him, Arthur. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to him. You have nothing to lose by talking to him, and everything to lose if you don't."

Arthur really hated to admit it, but Morgana was right. He knew he had to talk to Merlin. If he was honest with himself, he had known for awhile. He was just….

Afraid.

There. He admitted it. Arthur Pendragon was afraid. He'd faced warlocks and witches, griffins and questing beasts, and he was afraid to talk to Merlin. He was a knight of Camelot, the crown prince. He couldn't let a simple conversation scare him.

Morgana was right. He had to talk to Merlin. The sooner, the better.

He shook his head and smiled.

"You can be a little preachy, Morgana, but sometimes…well, sometimes you can make a good point."

Morgana smirked. "Thank you. If you ever need someone to set you straight again, you know who to ask. Let's go, Gwen."

As the two women walked off Arthur heard Morgana say, "Men. Honestly, Gwen, they'd be lost without us." And he heard Gwen laugh as she agreed.

Arthur turned and headed back to the castle. He would see Merlin now, with Morgana's advice fresh in his mind.

Before he lost his nerve.

...to be concluded...