It's been about 7 months since I first came to Degrassi. And since I met Adam and Eli. Eli and I have been dating for about 6 months. The first month I knew them, Adam, Eli and I got extremely close. We pretty much know eachother like the back of our hands. Except for our pasts. Adam says that he 'doesn't have a past that needs talking about' or something like that. Meaning, he doesn't have any secrets. Eli and I on the otherhand...When we're together. I don't even know. He just. He makes me forget about my past. And makes me feel good. I hope I make him feel the same way. And I want to help him cope with his past, and I want to know him better. But I never pry and I never push when we says he doesn't want to talk about it. And he's usually the same way with me. Both of us want to know, but we also both know what it's like to not want to talk about it. I just hope that someday, hopefully soon, we can both find it in ourselves to open up to each other.
Today is the first week of summer. And Me, Adam, and Eli were all just hanging out at my house. We were just sitting on the couch in my living room, doing nothing. And quite frankly, we were bored.
"Let's watch a movie!" I exclaim.
"What movie?" Eli says from next to me.
"Hm...How about The Unborn? We never did watch that." I say.
They both shrug and I get up, find it in the DVD rack we have next to our TV, and put it in. Then I sit back down next to Eli and he puts his arm around my shoulders and I relax against him. Then he reaches over with his free hand and grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers. I look up at him and he smiles, I smile back and we return our attention to the movie.
I was alright for the first little while. But then it started to get really freaky. I screamed, a lot. And I got so scared to the point where I had my face burried in the crook of Eli's neck and I was sitting in his lap, trembling. He had one arm around my waist and the other one was gently rubbing my back in a soothing manner.
It wasn't too long before the movie finally ended. I heard Adam get up and put the DVD away and turn the TV off.
"I-Is it over..?" I say, just to make sure.
"Yeah. It's over. You can look now. Ya scaredy-cat." Eli teases.
I raise my head from his neck to stick my tongue out at him and then I turn around so that my back is against his chest. And he wraps both arms around my waist.
"What now?" Adam says.
"Let's tell secrets! Hahaha. No. I'm just kidding. We don't have too." I say, giggling.
"Hold that thought, Destiny. I have to talk to Eli for a second about some guy stuff..." Adam says and gestures for Eli to follow him to the front yard.
"Okay..." Eli and I both say as he gets up and I settle back down on the couch.
I grab my ipod off the coffee table infront of the couch and put on my mix, shut my eyes, and relax, waiting for Eli and Adam to come back in.
Eli Point Of View.
Adam and I walk outside and I give him a questioning look.
"Okay. So, I lied. This isn't 'guy stuff'. But none the less, it's important." He says.
"Well, what's it about?" I reply.
"Our secrets."
"What about them?"
"Well? Are we going to tell her?"
"Just exactly what secrets are you talking about so I can assure we're on the same page?"
"As in, me being transgendered. And your past with Julia..."
"No. I...I can't. I told Clare and..look what happened. She moved away. Because of me."
"Destiny isn't Clare, Eli! Haven't you realized that? Destiny, I'm sure, has her own past that she isn't proud of. Do you guys even know of eachother's pasts? Or are you so afraid of getting close to her and telling her about Julia, that you'd rather sacrifice getting to know each other just because of that fear that's totally irrational?"
"But what if it scares her? What if...if she tells Jeremy and her mom..And they make her move away? What if I lose her? I can't handle losing another important person Adam! Don't you understand that?"
"Destiny isn't just any girl, Eli. She's special. And you know that. If you keep refusing to tell her, well, I'm not so sure she'll appreciate that. Say, have you even tried to see what her past is like? Or were you to afraid of her asking about yours? Eli, you're being an idiot. And I'm saying this because you're my friend. And I care about you. But I really think you should tell her. I'm going to tell her. My secret atleast. It's up to you whether you want to trust her or not. I can't make it for you." Adam says with a shrug and walks back inside.
'Shit. I don't. I...I have no idea what I'm going to do. I just don't want to scare another girl away. Especially a girl like Destiny. I just don't know anymore.' I think to myself with a sigh as I shake my head and follow Adam inside.
Destiny Point Of View.
I don't know how long I was just sitting there, relaxing, listening to my ipod before I feel someone flick my nose.
"Hey!" I say as I open my eyes and sit up. It was Adam, I noticed when I opened my eyes to see him smiling at me.
"So. You wanna go upstairs and 'tell secrets'?" Adam asked with a laugh.
I just shrugged and the three of us walked upstairs to my bedroom and sat on my bed. Good thing my mom decided to get me a king-sized one. I sat next infront of Eli, inbetween his legs, with his arms around my waist and his head on my shoulder. Adam sat across from us.
"So! Who wants to go first?" I say, cheerfully. "Wait. How does this, game, even work? What kinds of things are we telling each other and stuff?" I add.
"Anything I guess. That we don't already know about each other." Adam said with a shrug.
"Alright. Sounds gooood." I say with a laugh.
"So, how do we decide who goes first?" Eli says.
"We could do a round of rock, paper, scissors? Loser has to go first. Then the last two have to do a round of that, then it'll determine which way the game goes?" I say, with a cheerful smile.
The boys didn't reply. They just shrugged and nodded.
"Okay. One...Two...Three!" I say.
"Rock, Paper, Scissors, SHOOT!" We yell and open our hands.
Eli had rock, I had rock, and Adam had scissors. So Adam lost. Now it was down to me and Eli. We did the game again. And I got paper and he got scissors. So I lost. So now the game goes, Adam, Me, Eli.
"Adam, looks like you're up first!" I say with a smile.
"Okay...Hm...A secret...Wait. Before anyone says anything, let's make a pact. That nothing we say in this room, leaves this room. Got it?" Adam says, and me and Eli agree.
"Okay then. Alright. A secret...Hm...Alright...I-I've got something. Eli and a few other people know this, but I haven't told you yet, Destiny." Adam says and looks up at me.
I give him a curious look and he continues. "Destiny, I'm trasngendered...As in, I was a boy born in a girl's body." After saying that he lets out a deep breath. "It feels nice to finally get that off my chest and tell you."
"Wow. Wait. Shit." I say.
"What?" Adam asks, worried.
"Uh...Does this mean I'm a bisexual because I thought you were cute?" I reply.
"Not technically. I mean, you didn't know I was actually a girl..So I guess not. " Adam replies with a laugh.
It was quiet for a few minutes until Eli said with a smirk, "Destiny, your turn to spill your deep dark secrets."
"Oh..Well, it's not a deep dark secret. But not many people know this about me. I don't even know if my mom or Jeremy knows. But, here goes." I pause, for dramatic effect. "I have a tattoo." I say and fake a gasp, and I smile brightly.
"No shit. Do you really? I'm suprised we didn't see it that first day we came over your house. Since you were in...uhm..." Adam says hesitantly.
"My bra and panties." I finish for him with a laugh.
"Where is it?" Eli asks.
"It's on my left hip." I say.
"Wow. Then I'm really suprised Adam and I didn't see it. Those panties you were wearing didn't exactly cover much." Eli says with a smirk.
"Perverts...They cover enough though. It's not like my tattoo is huge or anything though. It's cute, and I love it, still." I say with a laugh.
"When did you get it?" Adam asks.
"I got it for my 16th birthday. My Aunt Ashlee took me to get it. She was friends with the guy who did it, so he did it for me, even though I was underaged and didn't have my mom's permission." I say.
"Wow...What is it anyway?" Eli asks.
"It says 'Love is Louder'. As in, love is louder than homophobia, bullying, abuse, everything." I answer.
"Can we see it?" Adam asks.
"Sure." I say as I jump off my bed and stand infront of them and start to unbutton my jeans so I can slide them down far enough to see my tattoo.
"Woah. Why are you taking your pants off? I mean, not that I mind, but Adam's still here. And I don't think he'd enjoy us going at it infront of him." Eli says.
"You're such an ass!" I say and walk over the playfully punch him in the arm. "I'm not taking my pants off, jerk. I just have to slide them down somewhat so you guys can see my entire tattoo."
Neither of them reply, they just continue to watch me as I slide my jeans down a little farther, and slide my panties down a tad bit, to show off the bottom of my tattoo.
They both stand up and walk over to me and lean over to get a better look. "Jeez. You guys act like you've never seen a tattoo on a girl before." I say and shake my head.
After they were done gauking at my ink, I pulled my jeans back up and sat down in my previous spot on the bed.
"Okay. Now it's Eli's turn." Adam says and raises his eyebrow at Eli as if suggesting something. I'm not sure what though.
"Hey, I've got an idea. Let's go get ice cream! How's that sound?" Eli says.
"Now, just because you're trying to get out of it. I say that you have to admit an extremely embarassing secret. What do you say, Destiny?" Adam says with a smirk.
"Oh. I deffinately agree." I say with a smirk of my own.
"You're horrible. Turning my own girlfriend against me!" Eli says and fakes hurt.
"Oh shut up. Time to spill your guts, lover boy." Adam says.
"Ugh. Fine...An embarassing secret...Shit...Do I have to?" Eli says.
"YES." Adam and I say in unison.
"Fine. Fine. Alright. This doesn't leave this room, right?" Eli says hesitantly.
"Yes, Eli. Now come on! Tell us something embarassing." Adam says.
"Okay...okay. The first time I had sex I fell off the bed. And hit my head on my night stand." Eli says and shakes his head and looks down.
"That's not even that bad. I was expecting you to say something worse." I say.
"Really? How is that not bad? That was horrible. I was so embarassed. And it made things so akward and weird that she ended up leaving." He said.
"Believe me. I've experienced worse." I said shaking my head.
"Like what?" Adam asked.
"Well. I was dating this one kid for a short time. His name was Mike. Every time he even touched me or saw me shirtless...he came in his pants. I'm sure that's way more akward." I say with a laugh.
"Wow." Adam and Eli said.
I just shake my head and lean back against him as he tightens his arms around my waist.
"So, I say the secret game is beat. Ice cream does sound pretty good right now." Adam says.
"I don't wanna moveee." I say, whining a little.
"Me neither." Eli says and kisses me neck.
"I've got an idea. JEREMY!" I exclaim.
"What? What's wrong? Destiny, are you okay?" Jeremy says as he runs through my door.
"Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. But, could you do me a favor?" I say with a sweet smile.
"Depends...What is it?" He says, unsure.
"Get us ice cream? Pretty pleaaaaaaase! I'll give you the money and everything! You just have to drive there and get it." I say with the puppy dog face.
"Fine, fine." He replies, shaking his head.
"Yayyy. Thank youuu!" I say and jump off the bed and give him a big hug. Then we break apart and I go over to my desk to get my wallet out of my purse to give Jeremy money to buy us all ice cream.
"You always get what you want don't you?" Adam says, with a laugh.
I know he was only joking...But I could feel my shoulders slump and the bad memories that statement brings back.
"I guess Destiny never told you about her past? About her past boyfriends, or our dad? Because if she did, then you deffinately wouldn't have said that." Jeremy says.
"No...she never told us. What...what happened?" Eli says.
"When Destiny was 14 and I was 19, our dad left us. Destiny and our father never really got along for some reason. No one ever really understood why. But they always fought. Sometimes, it even got violent...Then things got really bad between him and my mom and he said he wanted a divorce. And that he was going to leave us. Destiny, being younger, didn't know better and tried to stop him. I still remember it like it was yesterday. Destiny was crying and he said, 'What's wrong? Upset because you finally didn't get something you wanted? Sorry I couldn't be the perfect father for you. For a spoiled little bitch like you. It upsets me that I have a daughter like you. You're a disgrace to this family. I don't understand why your mother convinced me into keeping you. We should have given you away when we had the chance.'" Jeremy said and I heard him pause to let out a shaky breath. "And then..After he said that.. He...He.."
"Jeremy. S-Stop. Please." I say.
"Destiny. I already started telling the story. Can't just leave them hanging. Come on. They're your bestfriends. I think they deserve to know." I hear Jeremy say.
I feel my whole body start to tremble as I try to supress the tears filling in my eyes. I grab onto the desk for support. I grab it hard enough to cause my knuckled to turn white. All I can think is, 'Please, Jeremy. I can't re-live this. Please. Just...Stop. You know what this does to me.' But he didn't stop. He kept going.
"Before our father left us that day. I remember seeing him drag Destiny into her bedroom and I heard him shut and lock the door. I tried to get in but I couldn't. The only thing I could hear was her screaming," I hear him pause as I let go of the desk and start to walk towards my bedroom door. "Destiny? Are you alright? Look at me." Jeremy says as he walks over to me and turns me around to face him. Tears are streaming down my face, and I don't care enough to stop them. Because I know I can't. I never can. I wiggle out of his grasp and walk towards the door. With my back facing Jeremy, Eli, and Adam I say, "I'm f-fine Jeremy. R-Really. Just give me a few m-minutes." And walk to the bathroom and shut and lock the door. I slide down the door and burry my in my knees and wrap my arms around my legs and just cry.
I hate talking about this. Because I always feel like this. I always feel horrible. It was traumatic having to live through it once. And I hate when we talk about it, even now. Even though it's been 3 years. I thought it would have gotten easier. But it hasn't. I always feel so weak. And I hate it. I'm not weak. Not anymore atleast. So I hate when I feel like I am. I just don't understand why Jeremy had to tell them. They probably think I'm like. I don't even know. Messed up. I mean, I am. Anyone would be if they had everything that happened to me, happen to them. But I just don't want them to get a different opinion of me. I don't want them to look at me with their pity. To look at me like I'm broken. Because I'm not. I don't want to them to treat me like I'm glass. Like anything they say is going to break me or hurt me. Because it won't. I'm strong. I am. But sometimes, I just let it all out. That's all.
With those thoughts in mind, that's exactly what I do. I let it out. I cry my heart out on the bathroom floor. While my brother tells my closest, and only friends as of right now, of my broken past, because I didn't have the guts to tell them myself.
And that's when it happened. I finally stopped being all optimistic and cheerful. I let myself tear myself apart even more, for the hundreth time. As I reach for the razor on my sink, I think to myself, 'I wonder if this pain will ever go away. I wonder if I'll ever be able to get over this sick, secret addiction of self infliction.'
Meanwhile. In Destiny's Room. Eli Point Of View.
After Destiny walks out of the room, we hear the bathroom door close and lock. After Jeremy takes a deep breath and shakes his head. He continues his story. "As I was saying, the only thing I could hear was Destiny screaming, 'No! Please stop!' And I heard my father reply with, 'Shut up! It's time I taught you a lesson you inconsiderate bitch!' It wasn't long after that, that my father walked out of her room, and out of our lives for good. When I was finally able to get in Destiny's room, I found her lying in her bed with a far away look on her face. Her eyes and face were red from crying. And not only that, but she was naked, sitting under the covers. Upon closer inspection, I saw that she was covered in bruises. All over her body. He beat her, and raped her. Our own father." Jeremy concludes as he shuts his eyes and clenches his fists. "I was her older brother and I couldn't even protect her from our own father. What kind of brother am I?" He adds, mostly to himself than us. You could hear in his voice how much that hurts him. How much it disgusts him.
Adam and I were speachless. We didn't know what to say. I never would have expected that. Destiny is always so cheerful and happy. I never would have thought...
"Jeremy, it's not your fault. He locked the door and probably had it baracaded. What were you supposed to do? Atleast you were there for her after it all happened. And you're there for her now. That's all that matters. I'm sure she's grateful she has a brother like you." I say and he looks up at me and smiles, slightly.
"I guess. I just wish there was something I could do to help her. I hate seeing her hurt..." He says.
"That makes two of us. Think I can go check on her now? She's got me really worried.." I reply with a hopeful look on my face.
"...Just give her a few minutes. She'll be fine. She always is."
"Okay."
"Oh. And just telling you guys. My sister isn't some weak little girl. This isn't the only thing she's been through. She's the strongest person I know. So don't look at her like she's broken. That's the last thing she wants. Believe me. Because she's not broken. Not even close."
Adam and I don't say anything. We just nod.
"And another thing. She sort of has trust issues. They're not bad though. She just doesn't open up much. She's gotten hurt so much in her life that it's not suprising. When you've gotten fucked over as much as her, it's not un-natural. She handles things well though. As you can see. Our father isn't the only one who did her wrong. I'll tell you that much. Sometimes I don't understand how she has the courage, the energy, even the want to try again. But she does. And she wouldn't be Destiny if she didn't...Just..promise me one thing." He says.
"Anything." We say.
"Just. Don't hurt her. She's been through enough. If you plan on hurting her, or leaving her, or screwing her over. The door is right there. Leave before she gets too attached. And if you don't, and you end up hurting her, I can swear to you, I will be put behind bars for what I will do to you. She's been through more than her fair share of shit, she doesn't need anymore. And that's not a threat. That's a fucking promise." Jeremy says. And I saw his eyes harden as he said the last few sentences.
Adam and I look at each other and nod. "We promise."
Jeremy smiles at us and we all just sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. Until Destiny walked in. She looked different though. Different then I've ever seen her look before. Her eyes, they were red and puffy from crying. Her face held a sort of...vulnerableness to it that I've never seen on it before. She walked over and sat down next to her bed which Adam and I were sitting on and rested her back against it. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs then rested her chin on her knee. That's when I noticed she was wearing a sweatshirt. She wasn't wearing that before. It was way too big for her, so I was guessing it was Jeremy's. When did she get that? Was she cold? I would have given her my sweatshirt...Or was there an alterior motive?
Destiny Point Of View.
I grabbed the razor and slid it across my arm, near my elbow, like I've done so many times before. Whenever I do this, I do it for the most part, around the same area, so that it's easy to cover. After I cut my arm, I just sat there and watched the blood poor out of the cut. I never cut to deep. It's not that I'm suicidal, this just seems to be the only pain I can control. After a few minutes I rinse my arm and put some bandaids on my arm. I look in the mirror, disgusted with myself for doing this again. I try to fix my makeup, since it's all down my face from crying. I make myself look atleast a bit better. Then quickly run out of the bathroom and go into Jeremy's room and grab one of his sweatshirts. Since I obviously couldn't just walk in my own room and grab one of my own, without getting questioned on why, all of a sudden, I have bandaids on my arm. That's the last thing I feel like talking about right now. After I throw on Jeremy's sweatshirt I walk in my room and I see everyone stare at me. I try to ignore it and I sit on the floor next to me bed and rest my back against the side of it.
I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, then I rest my head against my chin. Similar to what I did in the bathroom just a few minutes ago. I didn't have to look at Jeremy, Eli, or Adam to hear their silent questions. 'Why did you leave? Are you alright? What did you do? What are you thinking? What should we do?'
"You can all stop scrutinizing me now. I'm fine." I say, trying to keep my aggrivation out of my voice.
"Hey Adam. I need help with something in my room. Mind helping me?" Jeremy says, trying and failing, at nonchalantly giving Eli and myself time to talk things over.
"Oh! Yeah. Sure." Adam says, catching on immediately and jumping off my bed to follow my brother. They close the door behind them.
There is tension in the air between Eli and I. He wanted to know what I was thinking, and I wanted to know what I was thinking. Neither one brave enough to voice our thoughts out loud.
After a few minutes of us just sitting in silence I hear Eli say, "Come sit with me."
So I do. I get up and crawl on the bed next to him. He reached over and took my hand in his. He brought it up to his lips and gently kissed it. Then intertwined our fingers and placed them in the space between us on the bed.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked softly.
"Because. Why haven't you told me about your past? It's not exactly easy for me to talk about, nor is it something I'm proud of. And, I didn't want you to look at me the way your looking at me right now." I say.
"And how, may I ask, am I looking at you?"
"Like I'm..Some problem you need to fix. Like I'm broken and you need to glue me back together. I'm not broken. I don't need fixing. I'm perfectly fine."
"You were crying."
"It's okay to cry."
"It's also okay to admit that you're not okay."
" I already told you. I'm not like most girls. Just because I cry, that doesn't mean I'm not okay. It's just my way of letting things out."
"You may not be like most girls. But you're still human. It's okay to not have it together all the time."
"Listen. I'm fine. And I really don't feel like talking about this anymore."
"It's good to talk though. It helps get things off your chest."
"I am fully aware of that. But believe me. I got it all out on the bathroom floor before. So I'm fine now. And you can stop talking to my like if you say one wrong word, I'm just going to start crying. Because I won't. I'm not glass, Eli. Stop treating me like I am. I'm stronger then you think."
"Sorry. I didn't mean to...But. Destiny, if you need anything. You know I'm here for you right? Just say the word and I'm here. I care about you. A lot. Probably more than you think. I just want you to know that you're not alone. That you'll always have me." He says that with a type of honesty and sincerity that I've never heard from anyone besides my brother. I turn and for the first time since before my brother came in, I look him directly in the eyes. I can see it then. The love. The sincerity. The honesty. The worry. Everything that I usually see in my brother's eyes, in Eli's. I don't know what came over me, but I jumped into his arms and wrapped my arms around his neck and burried my face into his chest. He immediately wrapped his arms around me and started to soothingly rub my back.
We sat there for a while. Both deep in thought. I was thinking about all sorts of things while I just took him all in. His smell. The softness of his skin. The warmth of his hands. His gentleness. His beauty. Just him. He makes me feel good. He makes me feel like, for once in my life, I won't get hurt by letting someone in. He makes me want to...be happy again. He makes me...feel whole again. A feeling I haven't had since before my dad left. He makes me feel safe again. That for once, I can let my guard down and let someone in, without having it blow up in my face. Maybe this is just hopeless, pointless, optimism. But I don't care if it is or not. Maybe he won't be my forever. But atleast, he's here now. When I need him. Even if I won't admit it.
We sat there for a little while longer before I felt a buzzing in his pocket. He removed one of his hands from my waist and reached between us to dig out his phone from his pocket. He sighed and answered it.
"Hello?" He said, and waited for the person on the other line to respond.
"Yeah...I'm at Destiny's. Yeah. Okay...I guess...Alright. See you soon. Love you too. Bye." He said as he hung up his phone and put it next to us.
"That was my mom...Calling to end our fun, unfortunately. " He says and I lean back a little so that I can see his face more clearly.
"What time is it?" I ask.
"Almost midnight." He replies.
"Wow." I say, suprised.
We both then get out of bed and walk downstairs. "Where's Adam?" I ask when I see my brother sitting in the living room, by himself.
"His mom called him about an hour ago. Saying she wanted him home and what not. He was going to come say bye to you guys, but you were sort of 'having a moment,' he said." Jeremy says with a laugh.
I just shake my head and walk towards the door with Eli following close behind.
We step outside on the porch and I close the front door behind us. We sat there for a moment, just looking at each other.
We don't say anything as we both lean in and close our eyes. As our lips meet, I place my hand on his chest, right above his heart; I can feel his heartbeat against my fingertips. And he places on hand on the side of my face, caressing it, and the other on my waist, pulling me closer to him.
After a few moments we break apart. "So, I take it you don't think I'm crazy after all?" I ask, sort of joking, but sort of serious at the same time.
He shakes his head before replying, "Not even a little." Then he leans over a kisses me forhead. Then whispers a sweet 'Goodnight and Sweet Dreams,' in my ear. Before kissing my on the lips one more time and walking over to Morty and driving away.
I walk back inside and upstairs with this feeling that, for once, things are actually going to be okay.
I walk into my room and change into another lose band t-shirt and shorts. Since it was sort of hot in my room. I take my brother's sweatshirt and quickly throw it in his room and run back in my room, close my door, and jump back in bed. I look down at my arm and take off the bandages. Quickly of course, since everyone knows it's more painful if you take it off slowly. I look down at the cut I gave myself a few hours ago. It wasn't that bad. Not nearly as bad as some of the other ones I've given myself. It wasn't that deep. It would take a week or two to heal completely. Hopefully I can remember to wear long sleeves to keep it hidden. I'm usually pretty concious about it. I don't think anyone has ever noticed. Or atleast they pretended not to.
My mind drifted off to another subject; Eli. He made me feel bad for hurting myself. Like...I was hurting him too. And maybe, in a way I was. Not that he knew what I was doing. But I just felt like if he knew, he'd be mad. And worried. And hurt. Like my brother would be. That's why they can't find out. I can't stand to see them hurt because of me. Today was worse enough. I don't need them worrying about me anymore then they already are. I can get through this on my own. I always do. I'll be fine. I don't need to burden them with worry. I'll be fine. I always am.
Then I was reminded of what Eli said to me before, "I just want you to know that you're not alone. That you'll always have me." Was he just saying that? The tone and sincerity which came with that statement made me believe otherwise. That he really did care. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. Should I tell him? If I do..what will he say? What will he do? Not being able to answer any of these questions, I let out a yawn, and lay my head against my pillow and decide it's time I get some well-deserved sleep.
I wasn't sure how long I was asleep for before I woke up, crying. I had a nightmare. About my father. About what he did to me. Even right now, as I'm awake, I can't shake the images of it out of my head. He..had come to my home and...raped and beat me again. And I couldn't do anything. And no one was home. No one could save me. I was defenseless. Again. I was terrified of that happening. Even though I know that would probably never happen, it still scared me to death.
I don't know how long I just sat there, crying. But after a while I started thinking about other things. About Eli and Adam. About the fun we were having today. Then I remembered the Unborn. Then I started freaking out again. I was getting scared again. Thinking those creepy people were going to come crawling in my room. I tried my best not to think about them, but I couldn't. I was freaking out. I started crying again. Because of my nightmare, and the Unborn.
For once, I just wanted to be held. Then I glanced at my phone and wondered if I should..or could call Eli. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was 3:30 in the morning. I felt really bad, but I couldn't help it. I grabbed my phone and dialed his number. I waited a few moments before he picked up.
"Hello?" Eli said.
"Hey. S-Sorry. Did I wake you up?" I say, trying to keep my voice even.
"Kind of. But it's alright. What's up?" He said with a yawn.
"I. Uh. O-Oh. Uhm. It's nothing. Sorry for waking you up. I'll just uh. See if Adam is up or something. I'll let you get back to sleep." I reply.
"No, really. It's fine. What's wrong?" He said, worried.
"It's nothing. Really." I say with a fake laugh.
"Stop lying. Now tell me what's wrong."
"I..I had a nightmare..A really vivid and realistic one...About my dad. A-And I keep thinking about The Unborn. And I'm f-freaking out. And..I sorta. Just...Wanted you to come and sleep with me."
"I'll be over in a few minutes." He says and hangs up.
I close my phone and place it on my night stand and just sit there, staring off into space, waiting for Eli to get here. He's such a sweetheart. Coming over here like this.
After a few minutes, I hear the sound of Eli's hearse Morty coming down the street. I walk downstairs and open the front door as he's walking up my driveway. He smiles when he walks in and gives me a kiss and wraps his arms around my waist and spins me around. Then I close the door behind him and lock it. Then I take his hand and lead him upstairs to my bedroom. He places his bag next to my dresser, takes off his shirt and lays down in my bed.
I have my gorgeous boyfriend laying in my bed with just pajama pants on. Why exactly did I invite him here again? Looking at him, I couldn't remember. Would it be wrong if I said I wanted to jump his bones right now? I inwardly shook my head and smirked. I closed my door and walked over to my bed and layed down next to him. I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat as he wraps his arms around me.
"Will your mom or Jeremy be mad that I'm here?" Eli asked.
"No. When all that stuff with my dad first happened...The nightmares were really bad. And they happened almost every night for a while. I would wake up screaming and crying. Most nights Jeremy slept in my room, usually on my floor, just so he would be there for me. He'd understand. So would my mom." I reply.
"Are they...still bad?"
"No. I hardly have them anymore. Just when I hear the stories, or I tell the stories. It's like I have to re-live it. And I'll have nightmares for a night or two. But then I'm fine."
"I'll stay with you as long as you need me." He said and kissed the top of my head.
"Thank you." I said and leaned up to kiss him on the lips.
Then we just lay there for a few minutes. Lazily tracing circles on each other's skin with our finger tips.
After a few minutes I pulled myself into a sitting position and looked at him. Then I leaned down and kissed him. The kiss was short, sweet, and filled with the love we had for eachother. After we broke apart we gazed into eachothers eyes. We were quiet until he asked, "What are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking about how I have the most incredible boyfriend in the entire world. And how lucky I am to have him all to myself." I say with a smile.
He didn't reply. He just smiled, shook his head, then leaned down and kissed me. The kiss started to get heated, but when I reached for the waistband of his pants, he pulled my hand away. We broke apart and I gave him a confused look. Because it's not like we haven't done anything before. The only thing we haven't done is have sex. But he just smiled and said, "I think you should get some sleep." Then he looked down and flipped my arm over and trailed his fingers up my arm until- "What the fuck is this?" He said as he got to the cut I gave myself earlier.
"Nothing." I said as I pulled my arm away from him and placed my other hand over the cut.
"It sure as hell doesn't look like nothing." He said.
I didn't reply and just shook my head and looked down.
"Why would you do this to yourself?"
"I...I don't know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It's not like I do it all the time. Just when Jeremy or someone brings that up...It's like I have to re-live it again. And...It's hard."
"So inflicting pain on yourself seems like the answer?"
"Yeah. Sort of. It seems like it's the only thing..The only pain I can control. And whenever those things are brought up..I hate the way I still react about them. It's been 3 years since I've seen my father and still cry like a little baby whenever someone brings him up and I hate it."
"So you hurt yourself for being human?"
"What do you mean?"
"What you went through was traumatic. It's not un-natural or bad to still be upset over it. You act like what happened to you was no big deal."
"Still. It's been 3 years and I still react this way. And I just feel that if I didn't freak out over it anymore then people would stop treating me like glass. Like I'm just going to break. Like I'm already broken. Things would just be better if I could just forget it all. But I can't. And I hate myself for it."
"People can't choose what they remember and forget. What you went through made you the amazing person you are today. People are just worried about you. I'm sure they don't mean to make you upset. But the way you react and everything is no excuse to hurt yourself. You have people around you who love and care about you. That's all that matters. We won't let him hurt you ever again."
I didn't have a response to that. But it made me feel better. Like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. All this time I felt like I was hurting everyone because I couldn't get over what happened and because I always got upset over it. But really, I was hurting the people who care about me because I was hurting myself. I never thought about it that way.
After thinking that, I look up to Eli and smile warmly at him. He returns my smile and I lean in and kiss him chastely. Then I lay my head back down on his chest and his arms resume their place wrapped around me. I don't know how long we just layed there before we finally fell asleep. All I know is that, for once in my life, I went to sleep with a smile on my face after talking about all of this. And it felt good.
And that's the end of chapter 2! How did you guys like it? Tell me some of your thoughts! I should be posting the 3rd chapter within the next few days/weeks. So look out for that!
Reviews are always appreciated. I love hearing your opinions and thoughts!
_Love, Delilah. (:
