6
He almost thought it was a conspiracy when Christopher showed up at his door, one arm clamped in a death grip around a Warrior Angel doll. Setting down his own book, Clark frowned down at his nephew, no, sorry, his son .
"Christopher, buddy, where are your mom and dad?"
"They're in their room yelling a lot. I didn't like it and I don't really like it here. It's all bright and gleamy."
"It's a little metallic, yeah," Clark replied, still not moving from his seat on his bed. "Do you want me to take you back to them. I can probably get them to stop fighting for the night and hang out with you."
Christopher shook his head and pressed the button on the wall that made the door slide shut behind him. "I wanted to see you."
"Did you?"
He nodded and before Clark could object was sitting beside him on the bed. Note to self, even human speed kindergartners were fast. "You're Superman."
"Well yes. That's true."
"My uncle's Superman. That is so cool!"
Clark nodded. "It's a pretty big secret so if you could just not go spreading it, I'd appreciate it."
"Duh! It's like how Stephen Swift is Warrior Angel. It's a secret. You can't tell anybody. Everyone knows that about superheroes. They all have secrets."
"If only you knew."
"Huh?"
"Nevermind, just I'm glad you're not going to tell anyone. It's not very safe for me or for your Aunt Lois or your Grandma Martha if people knew. All sorts of bad guys would track me down and hurt my family."
"Yes, like in issue #5 where Devilicus kills Penelope. Like I said, everyone knows that!"
Something clenched in Clark's chest that had nothing to do with his current predicament. Christopher's enthusiasm and encyclopedic knowledge of Warrior Angel reminded him of Lex, back when they'd been friends and the other man actually remembered him. Lana. Lex. Pete. So many people he thought he'd be friends with forever at fourteen were gone irrevocably from his life. Even Chloe, really, wasn't in his world anymore. If she had been, he'd have noticed far faster who Christopher truly was.
"Uncle Superman?" Christopher asked, pulling on the sleeve of the old Crows t-shirt he wore. "You're still here right?"
He nodded. "It can just be Clark. I mean, just call me 'Clark.' No codenames and no 'uncle' since we're...well technically cousins I guess."
"Okay, Clark. Where's your costume?"
"I don't wear it to sleep in. I mean does Warrior Angel?"
"I dunno. They don't have a lot of scenes in the comics where he goes to sleep. That's pretty boring."
"True," Clark said, even laughing a little. "But I prefer just to sleep in my sweats. Capes aren't really practical for sleeping."
"I like your costume. It's pretty. The 's' is real big!"
"Well it's not actually an 's.'"
"Yes it is, I can read. Mommy taught me when I was three."
Chloe would.
"No, I mean, here," Clark said, grabbing a pen and opening up to the dedication page of the novel he'd been reading. Quickly, he sketched off the original symbol of his House. "See."
"That's an eight!"
"No, it's a symbol from Krypton, from where I was born. It means 'air' and it also means 'El.'"
Christopher frowned. "Still looks like an eight."
"Well it's a coincidence. It's a symbol for my family, my real family."
This made Christopher frown harder. "But you grew up here too. Mommy has pictures of you and her and Aunt Lois from when she was young. She even has a few I found on my own of you and her and this black guy."
"Pete. He was our friend when we were in middle school and high school. Some of those pictures she saved are twenty years old."
"Wow!"
"Yeah, long time. I just mean that's the symbol for my Kryptonian family, for where I really come from."
"Do you ever wear things around that remind you of Grandma Martha?"
"She, uh, actually makes my suits. She's really good at it."
"I wish she'd make me those instead. She always knits me dinosaur sweaters, and it's not ever cold in Singapore!"
"Well, I'm sure if you ask nicely, she'll knit you something different for your birthday."
"Maybe but see, your outfit's from Grandma Martha too."
"I guess it is. I never really thought about it that way, if you want to know the truth. I just wanted people to see my House, to know that I was honoring my real father. I...maybe that's hard to explain to a five year old."
"I guess, but Grandma Martha still made it, so she's there too every time you go out."
"Maybe she is."
"Definitely," Christopher finished. "Can you read to me?"
"You said you could read."
"I wanted a bedtime story. Mom wouldn't mind if I fell asleep here."
"Oh, I think she'd mind a lot, actually."
"Why is everyone so mad at her? Is it because she didn't tell anyone I was strong?"
Clark swallowed and turned the paperback over in his hands. "It's definitely part of it. She shouldn't have lied like she did. She did a very bad thing."
"But you hide your powers, like you do when you're not in your outfit or Warrior Angel or how no one knows who The Batman really is. I have to hide mine."
"Yes, you do, but not from us. Not from your family or your dad. That wasn't fair."
"It's kind of neat though."
"How?" he said, flinching a little when Christopher flopped down on his side. "Buddy, really, let's get you back to your dad."
"No, they're still probably yelling at each other. I just...I think it's neat that you're strong like me. I mean you can do a million things and I'm just strong."
For right now.
"Yeah, still, really-"
Christopher, who was every inch Chloe's son when it came to bowling people over, ignored him and grabbed the novel he'd been reading. " To Kill a Mockingbird. Can you read this to me?"
"You said you could read."
"I like when people read to me and there are probably big words in this I don't know yet. Please, Clark?" He was looking up at Clark with big limpid eyes, biting his lip the way Chloe always did and, no matter how ludicrous her requests, Clark had never been able to refuse her either. It was how he ended up delivering Planet Christmas toys after all.
"Alright, just a little and then you're going back to see your mom and dad, deal?"
He nodded and yawned. "Sure, Clark, now start already!"
He sighed and picked up the book. It had been one of his dad's favorites along with Huckleberry Finn , but while his dad had read and reread Twain to Clark as a child; he'd never done the same with Harper Lee's master opus. Clark had discovered it for himself in high school after Lex had recommended it. Still, everything about Atticus reminded him about his dad, whether that was romanticized or not. He reread the novel often.
Clearing his throat, Clark began, "When he was nearly thirteen my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow..."
Chloe was not in the mood to come into her son's room and find everyone's favorite Martian sitting where she'd left Christopher.
"Let me guess; he raided the fridge at the cafeteria and OD'ed on ice cream sandwiches."
"No, he's with his father."
"I just left George's room and oh," she said, stopping when she realized J'onn meant Clark. "Did you lead him there?"
J'onn shrugged. "I can tell where people go if I bother to read them. I came here to make sure he was comfortable for the night and when I couldn't find him, sought out his mind to make sure he was okay. Clark's been reading him To Kill a Mockingbird for over an hour."
"Oh."
"Yeah, I'm sure Clark won't mind you collecting him."
"I should. I don't...if they fall asleep in his room, and George finds out about it, well, everything already harder than it has to be."
"You were wrong to lie, Chloe, but I understand why you did it, and I don't mean about protecting Christopher from people who might exploit him."
"Really, J'onn? Because I'm not even sure I can explain to me what the Hell I was thinking."
J'onn sighed and patted her hand. "You love Clark."
"Yes, I do. I tried everything under the sun to make it not so, believe me I did. I dated other men, married three of them even if Brainiac and Zatanna sort of swindled me the first two times. I left Metropolis forever after Clark's bachelor party. I...well I moved to the other side of the planet and built a family. I know it's not fair to penalize Clark and Lois or make them feel awkward cause I can't change how I'm made."
"And it was misguided and still wrong, but noble in a way that you were willing to go into isolation of a sort to spare especially Lois's feelings."
"I know Clark. He's so Clark. He'd want to do the right thing. I mean even if that meant we work out a timeshare system, it would have ended their relationship. Lois is a good woman and she deserves to be happy and Clark...well after how many false starts he'd had in his love life, he deserved this too. I couldn't let me and Christopher ruin it."
"Do you think that it's been the best decision?"
She snorted. "Well since George won't speak to me or look me in the eye, Clark's furious with me, and Lois is going to find out and it's going to crush her, then I guess no it wasn't."
"I can't argue most of those points. I can feel the anger pouring off both men, for different reasons, this is true."
"Perfect."
"But do you really think what you did was best for Clark?"
"He didn't love me. He was weak and I was a mistake when he was upset. If Christopher hadn't happened, it'd be this night we'd pretend never happened for as long as we lived. Besides, I had my own life and family for a bit. I...he had more important things to do and Lois in his life. She's perfect for him. She makes him happy. I told him once, the day he came back from training and stopped Alia, I told him that I'd had the honor of being in his life and that sometimes things like that come to an end. I let him go because he wasn't mine to keep, J'onn."
"Maybe, but maybe what Clark wants and what he actually needs aren't the same thing. We both know he wanted to live with Lana and have normal, human life with her. It was blatant that year Kara was on the farm. I know you were frustrated with him, with how he wouldn't do much of anything."
"Yes, true, but he's more than embraced his destiny and Lois supports him in it and always has."
"Lois supports Superman."
"Yeah, I just said that."
"Who supports Clark?"
"I think I'm confused. In case you were behind on the newsflashes Clark is Superman, so Lois supporting him, good thing."
"Clark was at his best when you were really around and with him. That year you were split so badly, when he wore all black and burned things down, and you became Big Brother, that year was horrible for both of you. Neither of you were heroes."
"I know and I wish I'd listened to you sooner. I got lost inside of Watchtower and it almost killed me. You tried to reach out and I didn't listen. I'd have saved myself a lot of pain if I had, not to mention avoided a lot of mixed signals and a painful break up with Ollie."
"True, then maybe you should listen to me now. You've done well for yourself. I don't know if you had to go to Singapore to do it, but you've recovered your career and a life for yourself outside of Clark and of the League and I think you needed to. You've been fighting since you were fourteen even if you go back to Lionel and to the meteor infected. Taking time away from the fight, rediscovering yourself was a blessing for you."
"Yeah and one that has managed to piss everyone I know off."
"Still, you are so much healthier than you were. The day you received your Pulitzer...I mean Diana, Bruce, Oliver, and I could tell from the crowd you were smiling. It was a mile wide, of course. But I could feel it too. I could feel your emotions and they were as elated and overjoyed as they were decimated when I was in Watchtower helping with the Justice Society years ago. You've brought yourself back, Chloe, and a lot of people never can. Clark can't ."
She laughed and squeezed his hand. "He's not dressed like The Matrix and setting towers on fire. I'd say he's more than fine."
"And since you've lived nine thousand miles away from him, I can understand how you think he's fine."
"Well that and I talk to Lois every other day and keep in touch with Oliver and Mrs. Kent. It's not like I'm out of the loop completely."
"He's not who he was."
"Yes we established this. He's not an arsonist who beats up on women like Tess, aren't we proud?"
"No that was unforgivable. I mean he's not his best. He thinks he is, and the world thinks he is but he can be so much more."
"J'onn even his powers have a limit. Even he loses some rounds."
"That's not what I mean and that's why there's a League for when even I or Diana or Clark aren't enough. I mean that the best he ever was was when he was working with the Legion to save you."
"What?"
"It's not about you as an object or as someone to save, but what I meant is that when I saw him a few weeks later I knew that he'd grown into the man both of his fathers wanted him to be. I haven't seen that man since, even if he's much better than he was after he stopped dressing in black. He's not human."
"That's a hypocritical statement coming from you."
"No, I mean he's ignoring half of who he is and Lois is aiding him in that. She's a good woman, she is, but she doesn't see Clark Kent and she never has. She loves Kal-El and Superman and has no clue who Clark is."
"He loves her, she loves him, and they support each other," Chloe finished, her voice tight. "It's worked for seven years."
"I suppose, but if it's worked so well, Chloe, why aren't they married and when's the last time anyone really spent time with Clark . Even with us, even among his closest and oldest friends at the 'Tower, he's always all business, even Bruce has his softer side with Alfred and with his protégés. Clark doesn't."
"Um with Lois?"
"She wants a god and she has it. She doesn't realize the human side of him is on life support. If you'd been in the States you would have long ago. If you regret ignoring me when Zod was rising, then listen to me now. Clark needs you, you've always tied him best to his humanity, even more than Martha. And, frankly, he needs the family you and Christopher could provide him."
"He doesn't love me."
"He doesn't love Lois, either."
"Of course he does. She's all he ever fucking thought about after training. He basically threatened Kandorian genocide over her. J'onn, I don't know if you're just trying to make me feel better or if this is some weird sublimated wish to have your own son back and living vicariously through Clark or just Oreo cookie overdoses, but Clark loves Lois. Epic all time love of the ages, makes him Superman, yadda yadda. Everyone knows that."
"Chloe, why do you think you were the only one who ever saw the future prematurely?"
"What?"
"Go collect Christopher and talk to his father. I think you both have a lot to learn from each other."
Stupid empaths.
When she walked into Clark's room, her heart clenched. Both boys had fallen asleep on each other. Christopher lay curled up against Clark's side, his hand curled tightly in the fabric of Clark's t-shirt. For his part, Clark lay with one hand half gripping the book at his side and his chin resting on the crown of his son's head. Chloe had dreamed of this scenario a hundred times over since she'd realized she was pregnant with his child. In her weak moments, late at night, she'd let herself imagine what being a family with Clark could have been like, what he'd look like holding their child in his arms.
She'd never let herself think these things by the light of day and she'd never dared hope she'd see even a glimpse of it in real life.
Even if this was a fluke, a one time opportunity, she'd take it. Hell, she might even make Bruce give her the security feed from this room over the last two hours. She could have this, if she couldn't have him.
Just to prove it happened.
"Clark," she whispered, knowing he'd hear her. "Clark, we need to talk."
"Chlo?" Clark asked, blinking awake and stopping himself from shifting too much. "I...oh, I didn't mean to fall asleep. I was going to bring him back, I swear. He came to see me."
"J'onn told me. I wasn't worried. Obviously he can't get hurt in Watchtower. I'm not even sorry he imposed."
Clark looked down and then back at her. "I tried to discourage him but he drives a hard bargain and suddenly it just was story time."
"He likes being read to. We do it every night and, on nights when his dad works late, we read the comics I made. I don't think he really believed them until today though, just thought I was making things up."
"You weren't."
"No," she said, hovering on the edge of the room. "I wasn't. Clark, we do need to talk but I don't suppose you can just come and take a stroll with me, can you?"
He shook his head. "I don't want to wake him. He's had a worse day than any of us. I don't know why he hasn't pressed us twenty questions style about why he didn't die."
Chloe sighed. "He's used to weird things happening to him, about things we don't share. I don't know why he's not pressed me yet, but he doesn't share with anyone else, even George."
"Especially George."
"Yes," she conceded. Against better judgment, she slipped into the bed on Christopher's right side. It was a king. It wasn't like they were scrunched together. Reaching over, she stroked their son's hair. "He knows how to be a secret keeper."
"I've noticed and I wouldn't wish that on anyone if it weren't a necessity," Clark admitted. "Where are you two going to go?"
"I don't know. Obviously not America or Singapore. I could go anywhere I want. I've actually been thinking this time making Bruce call in the favor and becoming a Gazette foreign affairs reporter out of Costa Rica."
"Well that's amazingly specific for on the fly? Can I ask why Costa Rica?"
"It'd be a nice place. I like the tropical weather now, can't abide winter, but, from a practical aspect, they haven't even had a standing army since 1975. It'd be good to live in a place where there isn't even a military power looking to control my child."
"You never would come home would you?"
"I can't. I can't be in Metropolis or Star City. I can't be anywhere I'd ever been before. What does it matter? I got the impression that you weren't going to be taking the dad thing full time and, besides, superspeed. There's nothing for us in a country with a bounty on Christopher's head."
"I...there's me and Sam and Lois. Martha and some of the League. You have friends there."
"I have friends all over. Hell, Lucy lives in Romania. I could go there and watch her con people for sport. I mean, really, there's nothing for me in Metropolis and hasn't been in forever."
"I didn't say that exactly. I just...Costa Rica, really?"
"Do you have a better suggestion. He can't live in the Fortress or here, safe as they are. He needs a place no one would think to look for us, and as far from men like Flynn as possible. Besides, Clark, you have your own life with Lois. I wasn't ever going to move back to the city now that you know and what? Get an apartment in the same complex or a few blocks over? Make it so you can stop by every so often and check up on how his powers are coming in? I mean what were you thinking I'd do?"
"I was thinking you and maybe George would go off somewhere and hide with him, yes."
"George is furious at me, but he's Christopher's...he raised him."
"I didn't get a choice in that matter."
"No, but George is still Christopher's father, the way Jonathan Kent was yours. It doesn't diminish who you are to him, but it doesn't mean because there's no genetics involved that George is any less important in his life either."
"Real fathers matter more," Clark said, his tone filled with a hauteur Chloe chocked up to him only when he was talking in his Superman tone. She'd always thought of it as an affectation of late. Maybe it wasn't.
"Excuse me? Do you ever tell that to Martha?"
"I...mom and dad...they did raise me and I'm grateful, but they don't make me who I am."
"Bullshit," she hissed, mindful to keep her voice low. "They were your parents for over a decade before you even knew you weren't human, and long before you ever heard of Krypton and Jor-El's crap. What happened that now you give two shits about the AI?"
"He's not all bad."
"Let's just see: infanticide, branding, brainwashing, killing Jonathan, trying to freeze me, freezing you, mindraping and stripping Kara of her powers, and I can go on. I don't think you two got off on the wrong foot. I think Jor-El is an asshole."
"I learned to fly by embracing that part of myself, by accepting Jor-El's guidance. Clearly, clinging to the Kents was holding me back. It's why I sold the farm. It's why I don't visit Smallville anymore. I'm my best when I'm Kryptonian."
Chloe looked up at Clark, and finally saw him for the first time in almost a decade. The rigidity of his posture, the stiff set of his chin, the flatness in his tone. "You do believe that. How dare you. How dare you put Jor-El over your real father. Jonathan died for you, and you what? Decided to cut off all feelings for him?"
"When I think about Jonathan Kent, I get bogged down in guilt and blame and confusion over his death, it makes me weak, so I learned from Brainiac not to do it, to move on."
"Excuse me? Brainiac? Cause he's such a wonderful force for good in our lives. When did you even see Brainiac? He's been gone since the Legion extracted him from me."
"Not exactly," Clark said, sighing. "The Legion reprogrammed what they extracted from you and it calls itself Brainiac Five. It works with them in the 31st century as a force for good. If you really don't believe me, you can always grill Booster Gold about it."
"I might, but you met a version of Brainiac from the future and where was I when this was going on? I think I'd remember that!"
"You were in Themyscira, apparently. It was at Homecoming the year you were 'dead.' Brainiac Five showed up and played A Christmas Carol with me. He showed me that Jonathan's funeral was what really started to corrupt me and that I had to let it go. He was right."
"What else did he show you?"
"Chloe...it really shouldn't matter."
"What. Else," she pressed, afraid for Clark that he'd even think to take advice from any incarnation of Brainiac.
Even if it had been reprogrammed, and she had faith that Garth and Rokk could manage it, it was a machine. It was an advanced machine, sure, but still a machine. It would never understand the intricacies of human relationships, how important they were. Fuck, it had lived in her head for the better part of a year and had stripped her bit by bit of her sense of self. Chloe knew it didn't understand human emotions correctly.
"It showed me the future, my future at The Daily Planet . It showed me that I'd be Superman, what my costume would look like, how people would react to me...that I'd actually be able to fly."
Chloe swallowed and clutched Christopher's hand. "Did it show you Lois?"
Clark blushed. He'd always been so easy to read. "Yes, it showed me that one day I'd tell Lois everything and that she'd support and protect my secret. It showed me how perfect we'd be. We weren't really even on speaking terms at the time cause she'd just come back from Africa and we'd broken up and she didn't know I was The Blur and-"
"Believe me, I remember. So just so I'm kind of getting it. Brainiac Five showed up when you were in a down time of your life, showed you the past and told you to get over your dad and then showed you the future where you were already super awesome and Lois was in love with you, and knew the secret. That's what really inspired you to get your shit together You got better cause you saw the future?"
"Well yes."
"That sounds incredibly circular and paradox-laden. You knew Lois was The One, not more than just a crush or more than the one you were going to let go because you couldn't tell her, because the future told you so."
"Yeah?"
"You knew that you could tell Lois your secret because you saw that you had told her your secret and that she was totally fine with it-which, by the way, I spent a year telling you she would be, duh-is this about the shape of it."
"What's your point?"
"That is the smallest amount of commitment I've ever seen. You told Lois not because you trusted her but because through an unbelievable cheat, Brainiac of all people, showed you she'd be cool with it. I...if you'd never seen the future, would you still be lying to her?"
"I don't think so but I did see the future and I did tell her, and we're happy!"
"I...just so we're clear, because it's nice to have things actually out there cause after Davis we were never right again."
"I know."
"You love Lois because she knows who you are and supports you and protects your secret, because she loves you back even if you're not human."
"Of course."
"Why isn't it ever me, Clark? What's so fucking defective about me? You fell in love with Lois one hundred percent after you saw her being an impressive DP reporter who loves, supports, and protects you back. You asshole! You fell in love with her for being me . I used to tell myself that...I don't know what. With Lana, I told myself she's Lana Lang, ungodly beautiful and everyone loves her. If I were petty, I'd say you only think with one organ and it's not your brain, but, aside from dark hair, Lois and Lana look not nothing alike! Besides, if you're into brunettes, for fuck's sake, I dye my hair, shock."
"Chloe, shhh, he's sleeping."
She nodded and took a few deep breaths to rein everything in. "I'm sorry. I'm having a really hard time dealing with the thing that sold you on telling Lois and trusting her, that eventually sold you in short order on proposing marriage, is that she's the knock off version of me but taller and with bigger boobs."
"That's not it...besides, why do you care? You were half way across the world and still technically sleeping with Oliver. Brainiac showed me Lois would be the woman I needed, and who was I to argue with that. You were gone, Chlo, and you weren't coming back and she was a sure thing."
Chloe swallowed and nodded. "A sure thing. Epic. You coward. You told her cause you knew there'd be no consequences to the actions, that she was going to accept you regardless. You love her cause it's guaranteed easy. I can't even. It must have confused the Hell out of you when she dumped you."
"It hurt like Hell, you know that, and I didn't know how Brainiac could have been wrong. I was devastated. Besides, you want to talk seeing the future! What about you? You put on the Fate helmet for a few minutes and suddenly you're faking your death and running around the globe. Really?"
"You think I saw more than I said?"
"I know you saw more than just Cadmus, Oliver, and the VRA lackeys. I know it. You told me when you woke up, I don't even know if you remembered it, but you said 'I saw you, too, Clark. You were the world's hero and you weren't in black.' You saw me as I am now. I...did you see Lois with me?"
"I don't want to talk anymore. I need to take Christopher back to his room."
"No, Chloe. You've avoided this for over eight years. What did you see?"
"I saw you, alright? But it was weird, everything I saw of the far future was focusing on Lois and her perfect life. I saw who she'd become, that she'd be working with Jimmy's little brother and with Perry, that she'd be beloved by world leaders and famous and everything I ever thought I'd be when I had a life outside of Watchtower. I saw a wedding ring on her hand and I knew whose it was even if the only glimpse of you I saw was in costume saving a plane from crashing. I knew damn well whom she married."
"And this was from what? 2017? Now?"
"No...that's sort of the weird part. It was from 2013. When I saw it, you all were supposed to be married by then and, I guess if Darkseid hadn't fucked up your big day, you would have been. I guess Fate helmet didn't see that coming yet, I honestly don't know."
"You didn't fake your death to save the League, did you?"
"It was good I wasn't in Metropolis too and got rounded up. I did the smart thing."
"But you didn't fake your death for just that, did you?"
"I couldn't, Clark. I just couldn't. Lois is my sister. I...Christ, she's who I called the night you fucking left me on the dance floor at Spring Formal. I thought I could make it, salvage things with you after Zod and everything, knowing that Lois was moving to Africa and you two weren't dating anymore. I thought I could, but then there it was large as life that you love everyone but me, and I couldn't stay to watch it happen twice. Fuck, why should I have to? I'm not going to stand in your way like I did when I was fifteen with Lana, but I'm not going to fake a smile and pretend it doesn't hurt for the rest of my life either. So, no, once I saw the inevitable, I was never going to stay. God, some days even nine thousand miles didn't seem like enough."
"Chlo-" he said, reaching out to cup her cheek.
"No, don't 'Chlo' me. I get it. I'm messed up. You didn't lead me on. You didn't promise me shit even when we did finally sleep together. I didn't want to let one mistake ruin freakingdestiny . I'm happy most days. Even if from here on out it's just me and Christopher, I'll be happy. I do have part of you and this part," she said kissing her son's forehead, "Loves me more than anything."
"Chloe...when we...I didn't sleep with you because I missed Lois. I would never ever do that to you."
"Then why did you sleep with me?"
"That night, everything felt right, like what had been interrupted on Dark Thursday finally had a chance to happen. I wanted to be more than friends the day we met. I wanted to keep trying after the tornado, and I would have dated you after we kissed in the DP. If we had, we'd have been married a decade ago and Henry James Olsen, Oliver, and Lois wouldn't even be footnotes in this story."
"And she called the next fucking day and I was out on my ass again. Try harder, Clark."
"If you remember, I woke up and you weren't there. I called you and you wouldn't answer your cell or your work phone. You blew me off for hours. I know I'm a guy, but it doesn't do wonders for a guy's ego to wake up and to realize that the girl you made love to won't even acknowledge you exist."
"I skipped work that day," she admitted. "I just walked around downtown Star City. I was too scared to go back because I woke up in this one perfect moment and was terrified you'd wake up upset going 'what am I going to tell Lois now!' I spared us the awkward, okay?"
"I wasn't going to do that. I wouldn't have done that. Then when you did get home and I...I tried to ask about your day and play it casual, just give you a kiss on the cheek and you were so cold and distant."
"I was bracing myself for the inevitable, which happened."
"You rejected me first. You always have shot me down first, Chloe, when I wasn't even going to say no."
"You still went back to her and it's better, isn't it? What's Superman without Lois Lane?"
"Clark Kent," he answered, taking both her hands in his. "Chloe, I don't even know who I am anymore. Brainiac Five showed me how I was supposed to be, and I've been that guy for a long time now. I even...this sounds nuts...but I had these, I dunno, maybe hallucinations they day Tess died and Lex came back. I saw my father."
"Goodie for Jor-El," she said, wishing she could move her hands but Clark was not letting them go.
"No, I mean Jonathan Kent. I...I don't know. I'd never seen him like this before and I never have sense. But I saw him in the loft after you'd left for Star City. He was the one telling me I had to embrace Jor-El, that it was the only way. I...it was so weird, I didn't see him in other places but I felt him. I felt him in the church by mom. I...ask J'onn; I don't think Kryptonians are psychics. I don't even think it was a ghost, more like what I wished he'd say to me, just any fucking guidance at all."
"Clark, you saw him and he told you to follow Jor-El?"
"Maybe it was just in my head, I honestly don't know but yeah and then when I went to the Fortress to get my suit, he handed it to me too. I can't explain it. Maybe it was guilt or desperation or real, I can't tell, but yeah, between Brainiac Five and what I think I saw that day I didn't get married...I thought this is what I'm supposed to be."
"Did you ever tell Lois about Jonathan visiting you or about Brainiac Five?"
"No, I don't tell Lois a lot of things. I never told her about either of those things or about how when I went to the alternate universe the second time, I met that world's Jonathan Kent. It hurt so much to see anyone who even was like dad. It burned so badly. I couldn't share it...I just couldn't."
"But Lois is your confidant. You should tell her everything."
"Maybe I should but I don't. In fact, we barely talk about anything substantive."
"Bullshit," she said, though only half-heartedly. It was obvious that Clark had been hiding things even from himself.
"We don't spend as much time together as you imagine we do. I patrol every day, she insists I do all day Saturday and Sunday. She says she can't handle the thought of someone drowning in Taipei or being shot in Toronto because we were watching a movie on the couch. We don't share even the same floor at work. We have stolen moments in the closet and on good nights dinner together and I finish patrol in time to, well, fall asleep with her and usually that's literal. I'm so tired most days, Chlo. Isnt' that stupid? I am supposed to have limitless abilities and I am tired all the God damn time."
"That's not stupid. You always have run yourself ragged if no one made you stop, like with Dark Thursday clean up, or how you were when you first started at the Planet and were obsessed with the scanners. You need to rest too, Clark. You're Kryptonian; you're not God."
"Aren't I?"
"Excuse me?"
"No, not in a stuck up way. I mean, I know I'm not like creator of the universe or whatever."
"One can hope not," she said, grinning despite herself.
"But I can change fate and save lives. I can't justify taking time for myself, can I? Lois doesn't think so. Like I'm mad at you. I had a right to see his first steps and hear his first word and to be there when he got his strength. That's part of being a father, but, at the same time, you probably did the best thing for the world."
"I don't understand."
"I can't have a family, Chloe. I can't have a child. Sure, some part of me would like to figure out a way to be there for Christopher more than as a powers coach. Sure, I'd love to teach him how to toss a football or read him bedtime stories at night, but the world needs Superman and I don't have a right to be selfish and have a family. I'm more than that."
"Because you're a god."
"No because I can do more. If I can do more, then settling for less is wrong."
"Having a family isn't lesser, Clark. You could be both. Hell, if you and Lois wanted a family of your own, you could be both."
"I know...I'm realizing that. I've spent so long since I think I saw dad trying to cut off my emotions, trying to be less soft and less human, trying to be the hero Lois and I think I should be, I don't even remember who Clark Kent was. I mean, all he is now is a mask about as real as Bruce's playboy schtick. I told myself for years that it was okay. Lois always had an excuse not to make it official, that it was okay that I wasn't really spending time with anyone not really even her, that I didn't want a family."
"You always wanted to be at least a brother, even with Ryan. After Evan, it was obvious that...jeez, I thought you'd be the first one out of all of us to have a kid, alien or not."
"I didn't think I was compatible even. It's why the timing behind Christopher's birth never pinged for me. Lois and I don't use protection."
Chloe nodded and wished their relationship occasionally had boundaries. "You don't use it. Have you ever asked her if she were on the pill?"
"Yeah, she said she's not."
"Did you ever consider she lied?"
"Why would she?"
Chloe sighed and stroked the back of his hands. "Because Lois has created this fantasy for herself where you're perfect and infallible and a god, and, Greek myths not withstanding, gods don't have children. Between Brainiac and whatever that vision of Jonathan was screwing with your brain and Lois's god-worship, however well intended it was, you've bought into the party line, Clark."
"I think maybe I had."
"I know you. I remember you when I was taller than you are. I remember your idiocy over Lana or when you ran away to Metropolis. I remember when you killed Titan in the ring when you let your anger get the better of you or when you set Rao towers on fire. I remember you wanting a normal human life more than anything and I thought you'd found it in Lois, found someone who could support you like Lana never really had and who understood. I'm so sorry I was wrong."
"I...Lois is a good person."
"She is but she loves illusions. She has these images in her head of how things should be and to her, you're god. I...it's not healthy for her and it's worse for you. You fuck up all the time and someone needs to be around to remind you of it but, worse, someone needs to be around to say that it's okay to watch a Shark's game or it's a good night to relax atThe Ace of Clubs . You're no good to anyone if you burn yourself out and you will; it's a miracle you haven't already."
"J'onn said that basically to me not three hours ago."
"And you agreed with him too?"
"I threw him out. Then I just, I held Christopher...I held my son in my arms and it felt like I finally realized why I'd been feeling so empty for so long. I do want a human life. I don't want to only be Superman and everything else be marking time. Clark Kent exists and he's not just stupid glasses and a nasally whine."
She nodded and squeezed his hands. "I'm glad we could be of service then."
"That's not what I meant exactly. I just...for so many years, before I cut off my emotions, this right here was all I ever dreamed of, a family, a way not to be the last, a woman who loves me for who I am and not what I do or where I come from, and a son, someone like me. I...it's overwhelming, Chlo."
"He can be," she said, kissing their son's forehead. Clark released her hands and she also straightened out Christopher's unruly bangs. He took after his father in a lot of ways. You're more than welcome to visit us as often as you can wherever we end up. I...if George comes with us, then we'll make it work. George is a good man and he knows that Christopher now has special needs. He's not going to spite him for my mistakes. Or spite you when you were as duped."
"I don't just want to visit is what I'm saying."
"What?"
"I want you, both of you."
"Then color me surprised," Lois said, stalking into the room and dropping her duffle loudly enough to startle Christopher awake. "Smallville, Chlo, you have a lot of explaining to do.
