Chapter 6
Spike growled and whipped his arm around to smash into Angel as he was holding him against the steel cage at the side of the library. It collided with Angel's head, thrusting him to the side and as Spike turned around to face the expected onslaught from the angered older vampire, Buffy rushed to stand in front of Spike, both protecting him and attempting to hold him back from turning Angel's angry outburst into a full on encounter. As she did so, Alt Buffy moved quickly to take Angel's arm, standing as her counterpart was - between the two vampires with an expression of disbelief on her face. Xander, Willow and Giles were wisely hanging back at the table, all startled at the sudden outburst from Angel but only Xander displaying the sort of fear and dislike that Angel had so inspired in them all the year before.
"Angel stop, please!" his Buffy said, holding onto his arm, trying to see sense return to his enraged face. "What is it, what's wrong?"
He never took his eyes from Spike's face and addressed him with steel in his voice while his Buffy looked at him with fear and uncomprehension on hers. "I want to know what he is doing here and I want to know right now!" he shouted, his eyes bursting with anger, his body still shielded from Spike's by two versions of the woman they both loved.
"The day I start doing what you tell me to do is the day I'm dust peaches!" Spike replied, standing behind his Buffy but ready to engage the second the big poof wanted to take this to its natural conclusion. Wanker still thinks he can shove me around.
Angel made to go for him again, regardless of the two Buffys holding their ground in between them, and Alt Buffy put her hand on his chest, firmly holding him back and staring at him with pleading eyes. "Angel please, calm down. What has got into you?"
"He has!" he loudly replied to her, casting his eyes down at her expecting to find understanding in her gaze but finding only an exhausted confusion. She looked at her older self, seeing the other Buffy standing in Slayer mode in front of Spike, shielding him as much as holding him back - a stance that mirrored her own.
"You hold him there" she said to Buffy, indicating Spike and turning to Angel she said "we're going over there and you're going to stop acting like the crazy vampire that Spike is supposed to be, okay?"
She moved hand from his chest down to his hand, drawing his eyes from Spike to her face, her eyes pleading with him to not make this any worse than it already was. Her gaze calmed him a fraction, her influence on him forcing him to reign the demon in. With one last growl in Spike's direction, Angel allowed her to lead him over to the entrance to Giles' office, his taut frame telling everyone that while he would hold it in for Buffy, the confused anger was still there .. waiting for an opening.
Spike and Buffy warily watched him and her younger self stand as far away from them as they could, Buffy finally moving from in front of Spike, turning to catch his eyes and give him the same plea her counterpart had just given to his grandsire.
"I didn't ...!" he started but she cut him off.
"I know, just please ..." she said quietly and he huffed at her with a look in his eyes that said if he tries anything again, to which she nodded. She turned then to address the vampire currently engaged in his own silent conversation with her other self.
"Now that fighting's off the menu, which is definitely is" she said, fixing Spike with a firm gaze, "any chance we can attempt a civilised conversation?" she asked snarkily, trying to maintain a clear head in this situation that was so close to going nuclear.
Alt Buffy looked over at Giles, Xander and Willow then. "Maybe you guys could give us a little time to ... sort things out".
"Buffy we still have to go over what Willow ..." Giles started.
"We can do that tomorrow Giles" she replied firmly, cutting him off. He looked about to argue some more but she shot him a gaze that said not now, things are bad enough and he shut his open mouth.
"Of course" Giles said quietly, sharing out his look of wariness to the two vampires in the room. He turned to a cautious Willow and Xander and said "come on you two, I'll give you a lift".
"Buff, are you sure you'll be okay?" Xander offered to her, indicating not just Spike but Angel too, which was not lost on his Buffy.
"I'll be fine" she returned firmly. He took the assurance but didn't look at all placated as he moved to join Giles heading towards the library doors .. but Willow hadn't moved from the table yet. Xander turned back to her with a question on his face.
"Will, you comin'?"
"I just .." she started, looking over to Buffy and Spike with her own questions behind her eyes, questions she didn't look able to form yet. "I wanted to .."
"It's okay Will" her Buffy said cutting her off, drawing Willow's eyes away from the couple over by the cage. "I'll fill you in on everything we get" she finished, fixing her with a look that said she knew what questions Willow wanted answers to. Willow held her gaze, a look of confusion colouring her face, before nodding sadly and with one last glance at the future couple, she moved to leave the library with Giles and Xander.
Alone at last, Spike thought as the library doors swung shut, leaving the strange foursome alone to either talk or fight it out. I know which one I'm plumming for. His Buffy was the first to break the silence.
"Okay, now that we're alone do you want to tell me what the hell that was all about?" she said addressing Angel. "Since when did you go all cage fighter on people I've told you I trust?"
"Since you started trusting this maniac!" he replied, his anger coming back with a vengence. "Your Willow said it didn't matter what you told us because it would be erased and since we've just found out we can't ruin the future by knowing, I want to know." He fixed Spike with a loathing glance that Spike returned with interest, but he broke away from it after a second or so, turning to angrily sigh, facing no-one in particular. "Look, I'm sorry, I tried to ..."
"It's okay, we understand" Alt Buffy said.
"We bloody well do not understand! What the hell gives him the right to .."
"What gives him the right?" Alt Buffy started, looking over at him then with fire back in her eyes. "Are you kidding me? He has every right to be confused and pissed off that you're even standing in this room, nevermind on the receiving end of googly Buffy eyes!"
"Hey!" Buffy started, moving towards Alt Buffy and Angel, again putting herself between them and Spike. "Why don't you just calm down, okay? Why doesn't everyone just .. calm down". She looked from Spike back to Angel and shook her head.
Spike thought he could sense the battle in her, the confusion of what they should say, what they should do - such big decisions to make so soon after everything Willow had told them. That weight, that responsibility was back on her shoulders and she was looking more and more like the Buffy he'd found in the abandoned house last spring. Whoever put her in this position is going to pay dearly, he promised himself. In the meantime the least he could do was take on a little of that responsibility instead of fighting and making things worse, he thought. He resolved to make this as easy as possible and that meant placating Angel and the young Slayer. Which meant he knew exactly what to say.
"So you want to know all about why I'm here right?" he started, turning to the younger slayer and older vampire. "You want to know why I'm hanging around your older self?" he said to Alt Buffy.
"Spike .."
"No, they want to know and Red said it didn't matter what we told them, right? Well here it is: I got chipped by the big bad government making it so I couldn't hurt anyone, Slayer here made sure that was true before she allowed me to help her out on the odd occasion - I fell in love with her and she puts up with me - just another demon fighter that makes the slaying a little easier. Happy?" he finished, fixing them with a defiant look on his face, taking in Alt Buffy's look of disgust and Angel's look of derision.
"You expect me to believe that Spike?" he said.
"It's the truth you utter wanker, but I don't really give a shit whether you believe it or not, I'm just getting a little sick of constantly being under pressure to protect your precious little feelings from the big bad truth. Fact is, there's nothing for you to get all pissy about, so you can stop with the tantrum throwing. I haven't stolen your girl, okay?"
Angel regarded him with less anger but the same amount of contempt as before. "You always were a bad liar Spike" he spat at him. "I can see the way you two are together - she looks at you like .."
"Like I used to look at you?" Buffy said, speaking for the first time since Spike's admission, bringing her eyes from the floor to Angel's face. Angel fell into silence, a look of longing, hurt and confusion mingling on his face and the Buffy at his side shifted uncomfortably as she listened to what would become of the love she felt so strongly.
Buffy had listened with a sad gratitude as Spike had tried to make things easier with his half-truths, deciding to come clean in this most awkward of situations as soon as she'd heard him say he was nothing more than a tool for her to use. That was a road that they'd gone down before - a road that had almost denied them what they were now. Nothing was worth risking that. Willow said they wouldn't remember this when she and Spike went back. She didn't say she and Spike wouldn't remember what they'd said and done. She couldn't let Spike be that version of himself here - if they were the only ones who would remember this, she'd make sure what he had to remember was that they'd stuck together, not denied what they were, what they meant to each other. She didn't see the point of holding back. They could see the truth on their faces anyway. The Scoobies from their time didn't need to be told Buffy and Spike were in love to see it and apparently, time-travel hadn't done anything to disguise it either. When she considered the worst outcome in this situation, it became very clear what she should do. This Buffy and Angel only had a few months left together but she and Spike had the rest of their lives as far as she was concerned. If there was one relationship she was going to protect, it wasn't going to be the one she knew was at the end of its run.
"What do you want to know Angel? That we broke up? That you left saying I deserved a normal life?" she asked sadly.
"So you ended up with Spike?" he asked with quiet incredulity.
She sighed and tried to sense the best way to explain the last 5 years in a few sentences. "I loved you and you loved me but what you never understood was that I wasn't normal. I tried normal after you and believe me when I say it didn't work out" she laughed bitterly.
She turned to look at Spike, the expression on his face telling her she didn't need to be doing this but she did - she did.
"Spike and I ... it wasn't always easy. It wasn't immediate. It took a long time for us to get here, where we are .. but we are finally here together. What we are is nothing to do with what me and Angel were" she said, unable to raise her eyes to see what her words were doing to them. "All you need to know is that Spike and I are a package deal. We're together" she said quietly, not quite believing that the first time she said this in Spike's presence was when they were being verbally attacked by her high school romance. "He is part of who I am and any attack on him is an attack on me" she said, finally looking up to gaze deeply into Angel's eyes that were clouded with hurt. "I'm sorry this hurts you, both of you" she cast her eyes to her other self then, taking in the misery etched on her face, "I never imagined this would be happening but .. I'm not going to hurt Spike just to make you both feel better and I won't stand by while you treat him like he's your Spike because he's not. He's mine ... and my Spike doesn't deserve your hostility" she said carefully.
She risked a glance at her other self and her lover - they were looking over to the future pair lost, the mess of what had become of their love in the last few hours all over their faces.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want this to happen but you said you needed to know - you demanded answers. Well that's all I've got" she said sadly. "If Will's right, when we go you won't remember this and you'll find out for yourselves how this all happens. I'm sorry ..." she said, meaning it more than she could convey. "I'm sorry" she repeated quietly. She turned to Spike and caught his eyes, the sadness in her own surprisingly reflected in his.
"I think you should go now" Alt Buffy said, her voice scratching from prolonged silence and unshed tears. She was half turned away from them, leaning in Angel's direction, with his eyes on her, a mixture of misery and resignation on his face.
Buffy felt Spike's hand on the small of her back then and tried to think of something to say that could make this better. She failed and started to move to the doors with Spike at her back. "We'll come back tomorrow and answer what questions we can" she finished.
As they moved to the doors she cast one last glance over her shoulder and her eyes met with the sight of her first love, what she had believed back then to be the greatest love of her life, slowly dismantling ... by her own hand.
"You didn't have to do that luv" he said, his voice breaking the silence that had enveloped them since their departure from the library. They were walking through Restfield again, aimlessly wandering in an attempt to forget the misery they'd left in their wake.
"Yes I did" she replied quietly, looking up at him walking at her side.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for the poof .. it's just, having love blow up in your face isn't the best feeling in the world" he said and she had the feeling that sympathy for 'the poof' was actually exactly what he was feeling.
"It won't matter to them in the long run" she mused sadly. "They'll have their chance to break up on their own terms - it won't matter to them" she repeated, putting her hand out to grasp his arm and stop their meandering pace, "but it will to us Spike. It matters to us. I can't deny what we are, what we .. have" she said to him, her voice shaking slightly, her feelings bursting out of her eyes as they landed in the blue of his. "I won't risk us for the ghost of something that's been dead for years Spike" she said softly.
His eyes were boring into hers, the weight of what she was admitting causing that pit in his stomach to lurch. We're acknowledging it, he thought. We're crossing that line.
She was returning his gaze with the same look, same feelings all over her face. Someone without the aid of super-senses might not have seen the barely perceptible lean toward each other but they would have understood the strength of feeling being shared at that moment between the two blondes. His eyes fell to her mouth as his body started to respond to the long suppressed desires they had given into so many times in the past. So much passion they'd shared ... so much misery too, he thought suddenly feeling that pit drop out of his stomach, reality soaking him like a bucket of cold water. He pulled back from her gaze, his eyes falling to the ground, his hands thrust into his pockets as he snapped the string that had been pulling them together. She started as he began to move away, the electricity that had a second before been shared between them passing into the quiet that had returned ... he knew she would understand, as he did, that that had been a close one. He sharply turned to continue their aimless wander and after a moment she fell into step beside him, the moment buried in silence.
"We'd better find some place to crash for the night luv" he said quietly and he felt her nod rather than saw it, avoiding her gaze, as he was sure she was avoiding his.
They recommenced their meandering through the cemetary that had been the site of their passion and hatred, their violence and hurt ... their comfort and love.
AN: The most recent reviews I've received prompted me to stay up past my bed time to write and post this chapter, so it'll be all your fault when I fall asleep at work tomorrow, I hope you're all happy :P
