Chapter 7
I'm in love with Spike. Not Angel ... Spike. The thought was coursing through her brain over and over as she lay in bed feigning sleep. Tears had threatened but not fallen numerous times since she was left in the library alone with Angel, the man who until a few hours before she'd been sure would be with her until her time was up. And now .. what? He leaves her? So she can hook up with another vampire? A vampire that had tried to kill her more than any other she could think of? ... well you can think of another Buffy, her traitorous brain supplied. But that's different! Angel has a soul! It was Angelus that had done those things .. murdered those people ... made her a victim .. no, there was no comparison, she thought. Spike was an evil souless creature that had taken great delight in the prospect of sucking her dry. Angel had always been there for her, always loved her ... until he leaves you, her thoughts said.
She had lain in bed tossing and turning for god knows how long now, knowing sleep was impossible, replaying the scene in the library over and over. Everything the other Buffy had said to her was one more kick in the head. They break up. Angel leaves. She moves on. To Spike.
After they had left and she and Angel were alone, neither had had the courage to break the silence. She could barely make herself look him in the eyes. She still wasn't sure if he was angry with her or if she was angry with him or whether they both just felt so ashamed of what they'd done - or were yet to do - to the love they shared that neither could bring themselves to break the silence. Why did he leave her? Why did he think she could make a better life without him? Why did she throw away whatever chance she had at that life by being with Spike? And the loudest one of all was why Spike! Of all the men in the world, why Spike? Cranky, sarcastic, Billy Idol wannabe Spike!
That silence had eventually driven Angel from the room and she had let him leave, too embarrassed to push it any further. She had to think, had to have more time to go over all the bombshells dropped on them in such a short space of time. She had left the library with the intention of wandering through the cemetaries but the thought of running into her other self and Spike was just too painful. She couldn't look at them without feeling the weight of misery they'd piled on her and Angel. It wasn't even anger she felt any more. It was the deepest sadness she could remember. Not like what she'd felt when Jenny had died - been murdered - or when she'd had to kill Angel. Those were like sucker punches - they hit you hard and fast and you felt like you couldn't breathe. They knocked the air right out of you and for the moments where it engulfed you, you thought you might just die from the pain of it. No, this was a different kind of sadness. It was cold. It was the kind of cold that seeped into your bones so slowly you felt like you could handle it to begin with. And then it just got colder and colder until you felt like you would suffocate from it ... but you knew it wouldn't come to that. Oh no, this wasn't the kind of sadness that would let you off with something as easy as death. It wasn't that dramatic. It was a slow burner. This was the kind that would stay with you, all through your life. It would follow you in your happier moments, struggling to keep up with you sometimes maybe but it would find a way. Pop in and say hey remember me? I was your one chance at happiness and you threw me away. That's right - no-one took me, you just didn't want me any more. It said something about who she was, who Angel was, what they were to each other .. and that ruined her more than any fight, any hurtful thing they'd ever done or said to each other.
She rolled over in bed yet again, reaching out to turn the clock to her, not believing it when it read merely 02:13am. It felt like she'd been lying here thinking these thoughts for days. What she wouldn't give to be back at this time yesterday. She and Angel had been on their way back from a late patrol and she'd stayed at his mansion, wrapped safely in his arms. It had been one of the first times they'd slept together since getting back together. One of the first times she felt almost whole again after the misery of the last year.
She started to get her anger back as that occurred to her. Of course it happened like this! Of course she was finally happy for half a second - it wouldn't be the same if the rug was ripped out from under her when she was already on her back. Got to make sure she was standing tall and proud so the way down would be that much longer. This was what she sacrificed her life for night after night? This was her reward?Her chosen love taken from her not once, not twice but three times? No way was she putting up with that. If there was one thing Buffy was good at it was fighting.
She sat upright in bed, throwing back the blankets, rushing to grab her sweats, a top, any top - just get some clothes on so she could get out of here. I love Angel more than anything and he loves me. Now we know what we're up against, we'll just have to fight that much harder won't we? Nothing was going to take this away from her again, she thought as she tied her hair back in a tight bun. There was no way in hell that now she'd got it back she was just going to let it slip away from her. Her resolve hardened further as she slipped out of her window and off her roof.
He could hear her. He could feel her too but he was more focused on her movements as opposed to her heartbeat now. She was being carelessly loud, which told him she was filled with strong emotions. The opposite of how he felt at this moment in time. He felt emptied of all feelings. Past sadness, past anger, past misery. He was numbed by what he knew to be true. She doesn't know it yet but we're not going to make it, he thought.
It wasn't the first time it had occurred to him. How could it be? From the first moment their lips met he had known he was in too deep. It took her a little longer to get there but he saw it when she did - that feeling of falling too hard, too fast with no safety net. But still, he hadn't cared. At least not enough to stop, to leave before it got too much. And too much had turned out to be something he never would've imagined. His soul. His damned soul. Holding him to her at the same time as it pushed him away from her. Those gypsies knew their trade well, he thought bitterly.
He would never forget that moment, that brief moment of horror as she plunged the sword through his chest, his eyes bursting open, his mind not comprehending what was happening. Was he in hell? Was he dreaming? Why was she looking at him with such gut-wrenching heartbreak? It hadn't taken long for the memories to come back - everything he'd done to her, to her friends, her classmates, her town. Of course by then he'd been gone - down where he'd always known he belonged. Time passed, he faded away, becoming nothing, becoming ... and then she was there. Her face, her voice, her eyes - boring into his and he could feel! He could touch and speak and .. she was with him. She was with him again and he thought his heart would burst. For all they tried to stay away - again, neither had been able. How could they stay away from each other? There was an invisible pull that was far too great to ignore. It never ended, it never stopped.
Only it does apparently. That's the thing old boy, she stood across from you tonight, looking into your eyes with pity, hurt and sorrow ... but not love. At least, not the love that was there when his Buffy looked at him. Maybe the ghost of it remained in her eyes but no, the full force of it was reserved for Spike. Spike. The bane of his unlife from the second Drusilla had brought him back to that old boarding house in London. So unlike him - rash, undisciplined, violent where Angel was cunning, forthright where Angel was coy. If Angel had wanted to slip in the back door and torture a few townsfolk quietly before moving onto the main attraction upstairs, Spike had wanted to barge in the front door brandishing whatever weapon he could find and chopping and hacking his way through. If it got dangerous, so what. So what, Angel bitterly thought. If ever a phrase could describe Spike it was that. Who cares, not my problem - so what.
And now he had Buffy's heart. It had been all over their faces from the second they appeared. Her concern for him, his for her, the way his presence seemed to soothe her, console her ... Spike and Buffy. Buffy and Spike. Two halves of the same person.
Angel was no fool. He'd seen it straight away and that feeling had boiled over until he could no longer hold it back. As soon as he heard the future witch say there was no danger to the timeline, he had exploded. He had to know, had to hear it from her own mouth ... and he'd got what he asked for, that was for sure.
When they'd left, he hadn't been able to bring himself to look at Buffy. To see the hurt in her eyes, the questions he couldn't answer. Why was he going to leave her? Why? After all they'd been through, how could he leave her? Couldn't was the wrong word. He didn't know what was going to happen between them in detail but he could guess. The same thoughts had been running through his mind since the moment they met practically - from the moment he felt that all-encompassing love for her. No, wouldn't was the word. She had questions he wouldn't answer. Not yet anyway. He couldn't bear to cause her more pain. But he knew he would. It would always come back to that, wouldn't it. But how could he tell her now? How could he tell her that he knew eventually he would have to leave her - he'd have to stay away from her no matter how much she called, no matter if she begged him to stay. Because he was made to hurt her. That's what the power had told him only a month before. And it was right. Its intention was to hurt him, kill him, kill her but that didn't mean it wasn't right. He knew it. He'd always known it. His soul, his curse. And now he was being shown what she could be without him. Stronger, confident, wiser, a power beyond just the Slayer - she was a warrior. He could see it in the other Buffy's stance, in the way she spoke, the authority oozing out of her. Buffy had always been the Slayer, always strong but he had never seen her so .. powerful. It radiated from her. And he had nothing to do with it. Nothing beyond leaving her to become that woman. That woman that would be with Spike.
Spike. She could be that woman with him in her life. What could he give her that Angel couldn't? Why hadn't she grasped the chance of a normal life with both hands when he'd extracted himself from her life? He'd heard her reason in the library earlier but he just couldn't ... wouldn't accept that. She had a chance to be free of it, to be in the sun .. and she'd turned away from it, preferring the dark, preferring the shadows.
He could hear her still. Calling his name. Calling out to him with that strength of feeling she reserved only for him. For now anyway. Moving through the mansion looking for him, seeking him out to be with him. To be with him.
He could wait. They could stay in this moment together, no matter what happened in the future - keep this alive for another few moments, couldn't they? They had held on this long, what was another few days, weeks, months? Just enough time for them to hold in their hearts - enough time so that when it ended, they weren't empty vessels. Enough so that when it was over, they could still dream of each other.
He stepped out of the shadows of the room and crossed to the door, opening it to move into the hall. The candles were almost burned down completely but he could smell her, feel her nonetheless. She was in his bedroom, her heartbeat strong and fast. He moved to join her there, unsure if he would need to voice his feelings for her tonight - so sure that she would look in his eyes and see them there, all over his face, colouring his features. I love you, I need you they would say.
She turned as he entered and he could see the worry that had invaded her face disappear in the instant her eyes locked onto his. They moved towards each other at the same time and wrapped themselves around each other. She spoke before he could find his voice.
"I love you!" she half cried "I love you Angel, I don't care what she said, I don't care what they say happens - I'm yours, always" she was looking into his eyes with desperation, willing him to understand that she was with him, she was always going to be with him.
"I know" was all he said, his voice unable to express the depth of the feelings he had for this girl, the sadness, doubt and resignation of their fate locked away for the time being - locked away so he could bask in the warmth of her love for him, his love for her.
They kissed, embraced, wrapped themselves around each other and clung .. not only to hold onto their present but to ward away the spectre of their future. Their future apart.
"I can't believe we're actually back here. It's charred, ruined and falling to pieces Spike!"
"Kind of suits us to the ground then pet, doesn't it?" he winked at her, alluding to their first night together. She feigned insult, picking up a charred piece of metal and throwing it in his direction, enjoying the sight of him leaping out of the way of her far too accurate throw.
"Oi! Watch where you're lobbing that Slayer!"
"Well address me like the lady that I am then blondie" she threw back at him with a secret smile on her face.
"I never knew a lady that could kick the arse of a 400 pound Cyptar demon quite like you can luv" he said fondly, negotiating his way through the burned out floor of the old factory.
He had suggested it almost straight away as a place to spend the night but she had balked at the suggestion, outwardly because it was a ruined building but inwardly because he'd spent all his time there with Drusilla. There was no way she wanted to be spending the night sleeping under the same ceiling him and Dru had .. don't go there Buffy, don't even think it.
They'd gone through the other options they had open to them. No money, so no hotel. They could sleep on the library floor? Buffy vetoed it. They could pitch up at young Buffy's house and ask to stay? Buffy vetoed it on account of them being the reason she was no doubt in utter misery at this moment in time. Angel's mansion was out for the same reason. Xander and Willow still lived at home, so no go. Cordelia and Oz didn't even know they were here and would surely freak out at the sight of Spike. Faith wasn't an option for many reasons Buffy didn't care to voice. Giles would maybe let them stay but he sure wouldn't be happy about it and the last thing Buffy wanted to do was alienate even more of the retro Scoobies. Not after blowing the young intense love of Buffy and Angel out of the water earlier on, she thought. Nope, they were out of options and Spike's suggestion of a partially standing building was sounding better and better as the idea of sleeping it rough on the demon packed streets of Sunnydale became an ever more likely outcome.
So here they were, the old factory. Giles' pyro act the year before had certainly done a number on the place. Buffy remembered that night all too clearly .. her watcher lying broken on the sidewalk, wracked with grief and anger, the two most important men - vampires - ever in her life inside that building trying to get out and her outside it, not caring if either or both of them burned. God her life was twisted, she thought, provoking a laugh.
"What's so funny?"
"Just .. thinking about us. What we were to each other the last time we were in this building" she said, seeing him turn his head to look into her eyes. He smiled at her and turned to continue making his way to his old bedroom. She could tell he was still thinking of what they'd done earlier - what they'd said to her younger self and Angel. She was trying not to focus on it - trying not to dwell on something she could no longer change. It wouldn't last forever for them. Willow would take it away and they'd have their time together ... and then break apart. But it's not our fault, she argued with herself, I can't take on the responsibility of what becomes of their relationship. She had tried to do that with Angel the first time around and it hadn't worked out then either. She'd be damned if she was going to blame herself twice for Angel leaving her. She'd left that insecurity in her teenage years.
"There it is" Spike said, reaching out his hand to takes hers and lead her over to the opening to what had once been a basement bedroom. It was now more of an open plan design. There was a large hole where the stairs leading down had once been, the side of the room blown away and thankfully, what had previously been the wall had fallen forward to form a slope that lead down to the actual room, so they could duck walk down it to the relatively level room below.
"You're lucky I'm not wearing anything designer" she said, holding onto his arm as they half-slid, half walked down the sharp slope.
"I'm lucky in all sorts of different ways luv" he replied, squeezing her hand as they came to a halt. She pierced him with her eyes, green on blue, both reflecting the same feelings back to each other. Buffy smiled and then broke away, moving to the mostly intact bed and pulling as much of the debris off - the posts of the former four poster were burnt and cracked lying on the bed, as was what was left of the headboard. Spike came to join her on the other side of the bed, clearing the surface of the assorted crap that had taken up residence in his former home.
"This place is in worse shape than I remember" he mumbled, "last time I was here the stairs were still a feature", he started to look around behind him searching for something as she continued attending to their bed for the night.
"Who needs stairs anyway?" she said around a yawn, her hand coming up to rest against her forehead, the enormity of the day they'd had finally hitting her stamina. She turned, no longer caring if she slept on charred ruins, desperate for some rest, as she could hear Spike on the other side of bed, now behind her, rummaging around. "God, who knew time travel would be so exhausting" she said, stifiling another yawn and started to sit down.
"No!" he said suddenly and she jerked back up, eyes snapping back into focus at his tone.
"What! What is it?"
She turned to see him laying his coat down on the bed, while holding up a slightly charred and holey blanket he had found in the wreckage.
"We don't want your arse getting all black now do we Slayer? Unless I'm the cause of it of course" he smiled at her, almost shyly. She was looking at him with that half smile on her face she knew she must be wearing, looking slightly dumbstruck but she had no idea why. Every time Spike showed his manners, his thoughtfulness it surprised her a little. He could be such a gentleman and even though she knew it, it still gave her happy little goosebumps.
"Thanks" she said quietly, gazing into his eyes. She tried not to break the gaze as she finally sat down on the bed, the inside of his coat under her as she lay down on the bed, turning to lie on her side to watch him lie down next to her. He offered her the blanket he'd found and she took it, wrapping it around herself and holding the side open for him, looking at him expectantly.
He met her gaze and in it was a look of slight apprehension. Were they going to cross that line it said. Her returning look assured him they were still on the safe side of the fence and he slid in next to her, lifting his arm to wrap it around her, tucking his hand into the small of her back. They lay on their sides facing each other, Buffy levelling her head with his chest, his head above resting on top of hers. She grasped his black T-shirt in her hands as she sought that comfort his presence always gave her and he obliged, tightening his hold on her as they both relaxed into their positions.
"You're so in love with him" he said suddenly, quietly and she pulled back to see his face.
"What?"
"You're so in love with him, I could see it on your face" he said.
"Her face Spike" she said forcefully, "her face, not mine" she said, trying to make him understand the difference.
"I know pet, I just .. it's still you. She may not be my Buffy but it's still you and I can't stand seeing that look on your face" he paused, "I hate seeing you hurt" he finished quietly, touching her forehead with his hand.
"Then look at me now" she returned softly, "do I look hurt to you?"
He smiled softly at her, splaying his hand on her cheek. "No, you look tired."
She didn't return his smile but said insistently, "it's not me Spike. This is me. This is your Buffy. What she's going through happened to me a long time ago. I'm not her any more and she's still a long way off being me" she said. "But she will be me eventually and when that happens, she'll be lying here next to you ..." her voice unable to continue the sentence but her eyes finishing it for her ... full of love for you, only you Spike.
It was enough it seemed because his eyes returned that feeling and he moved his hand around to the back of her head, pulling her face flush against his chest. She breathed him in and relaxed back into his hold, relishing the strength they shared between them when they were so close to being one person.
"Buffy?"
"Hm?" she sighed contentedly.
"G'night pet" he said, stroking her hair as she burrowed even further into his chest and clung to his side.
"Night Spike" came her whispered reply, both happy with their chosen code. Just because saying the words is off limits doesn't mean expressing them is, Buffy thought with a smile on her lips.
That witch. That goddamn witch! Mucking up her plans, sliming her way out of her deserved punishment. And now she was coming for her in this place - she could feel her, the vibrations, the world around her shuddering with the approach of power.
Power, that's what it said. That's what everything about that witch screamed. Power. Well she'd show her. Let her come. Let her seek her out. We'll see if she likes what she finds.
AN: Okay, so I cheated and actually wrote this chapter last night too, hence the past my bedtime, but I wanted to make sure it was all exactly the way I wanted it so waited til today to post it. I'm not sure when I'll get the next chapter up though. I hate to hit you with 3 chapters in quick succession and then leave you hanging. Have no fear though, the most you'll ever have to wait is a week between them. Anyway, thanks again to all the reviews and while I don't want to play favourites or anything (I love all my reviewers for taking the time to read and reply), but random shoes - I think I love you :D
Also, I just wanted to be clear about the BA in this story. Because it's all written from their perspective, they're going to say things (especially Alt Buffy) that sound like I'm saying BA were the real true love of her life. In my opinion (and in our older Buffy's opinion) that's just not true but to Alt Buffy it is. She hasn't lived the life we've seen Buffy live yet. She hasn't changed into the Buffy we know and love in the later years yet, so to her Angel is the love of her life. As for Angel, he's just totally in love with Buffy. He thinks it won't work out for the same reasons he believed in the show - she deserves normal. For me, it's the combination of the restrictions the curse puts on BA (that BS don't have the problem with) and Angel's misconstrued notion that Buffy needs a normal life that stopped BA being together in the long run. It wasn't that he was a vampire. It was that they couldn't ever really be together because of his curse. Plus I don't think he ever really understood that normal was not what Buffy needed at all. Spike understood her a lot better than Angel did and that was demonstrated on the show time and time again. But that's not a criticism on Angel. I like Angel and at the time of the first 3 seasons, I loved BA. Buffy thought she wanted normal too back then .. until she got it lol. But anyway, I just wanted to be clear. Spuffy were the true love IMO and I believe I'm following canon when I say that Spuffy were the loves of each other's lives. Everything Buffy wanted out of love is what she'd finally attained with Spike at the end of S7, the freedom she had with Riley, the love she had with Angel and the passion she had with Spike in S6 and once they were past all the crap they had to deal with and if they hadn't been separated, I'm positive the Spuffy in this story would have been the Spuffy on the show - they got each other more completely than any other two characters on that show, even Tara and Willow IMO and I hope I'm able to show that in this story.
