Chapter Nine
How do you condense 4 plus years of your life into a few sentences? How do you try to explain decisions that took you years to make in a few minutes? Nothing she could say would make sense to them. Trust the old Scooby gang to ask the hard future questions - they couldn't just want to know next week's lottery numbers? No matter what I say they'll freak out. Hell sometimes I still freak out thinking of all the crap we've pulled over the years. Sex robots, leaving people at the altar, trying to destroy the world, 4 years of pain, death, disloyalty, grief and misery. There was no way this could help them, she knew. But did that mean she shouldn't even try? Should she hit them with the truth, fast and hard and pray for understanding, was that what she should do? She knew what Spike would say - hell, she could practically hear his voice in her head saying hedge your bets Slayer - tell them the outside truths, keep the ooey gooey centre truths to yourself.
All this ran through her mind in less than 3 seconds following the demand from her younger counterpart.
She glanced at Spike out of the corner of her eye, asking him to brace himself for the hurricane that was surely about to hit them. Here goes ...
"You wanna know," she started, sighing tiredly. "Okay. Ask away", she said, glancing at each in turn, awaiting the first question.
"Why did you believe it possible that Willow sent you here by design?" Giles asked quietly. At his question young Willow's eyes lit up and she edged forward in her seat, mirrored by Oz. Though his eyes remained trained on his girlfriend with a look of concern, Willow's shy young eyes practically burned a hole in Buffy's own. Giles himself looked to be the only one that might understand the answer. Guess he knew even back then. I sure remember him keeping on at Will, trying to get her to slow down, she remembered.
What could she say? Because she turns into mega-Wicca and tries to kill them all? Somehow she didn't think that would endear them any further to their young counterpart Scoobies. Luckily, while she tried to think of something to say that would both appease and curtail them, Spike spoke up in her stead.
"Red's got a gift for the mojo, you probably have an idea of that now, yeah?" he asked, glancing at young Willow and at her nod, he continued, "she's powerful, yeah, but sometimes things go a bit wonky and it tends to be the people around her that get caught in the crossfire. No harm but big foul sometimes" he finished wryly.
"B-but you didn't think I was trying to hurt you right?" Willow asked pleadingly, the anxiety in it not lost on the two time-travellers and Buffy's heart about broke for the 10th time since arriving in this timeline.
"No, of course not Will. If you'd sent us here deliberately, we'd know it was for something serious" Buffy said, her eyes warm and reassuring. Technically it wasn't a lie, she told herself. If Willow had indeed returned to her darkness, it would certainly be of the serious. Willow seemed calmed by the answer, though Buffy could still see the streak of uncertainty in her eyes. She looked to Giles and was met with his look of quiet disbelief but she knew him well enough to know he wouldn't push it in present company. God I bet they all can't wait to have their memories wiped, she thought.
"How did you ever come to trust Spike?", Alt Buffy piped up and Buffy could see the same question in all of their eyes.
"I told you already, he's part of the group now - he's with us", she answered, her voice heavy with the resignation that that wouldn't be enough of an explanation as far as the younger Scoobies were concerned.
"How!", Alt Buffy demanded. "I'm asking you how this happened! I want details, I want to know how I ever came to trust Spike of all people!"
"Spike told you last night," Buffy started, her voice hardening with frustration at being spoken to like a child by her younger self. "He was rendered harmless ..."
"Oi!"
"... by the government," she continued determinedly and slightly louder, "about a year from now, we helped him so he could give us info on the organisation that did it to him and after a while we developed a shaky alliance. He started helping us out and he's stuck around since then" she finished.
"That sounds like a circumstance that doesn't lend itself to the kind of trust I see between the two of you," Giles said quietly, drawing Buffy's eyes to his. He held her gaze with a slight note of defiance in his stance. Yup, he's disappointed alright - Giles hasn't changed that much over the years, she thought to herself wryly.
"I trust him" she started carefully, "because he has proved more than once that he will do anything to protect me and the people I care about".
She was aware of Spike standing at the side of her. Awkwardly letting this conversation flow around him. She knew what he was thinking - they're not gonna understand - and boy was she afraid he was right.
"So you trust him because he loves you?" Angel asked quietly, speaking up from the shadows at the entrance of Giles' office.
Buffy took in a much needed breath before letting it out, casting her eyes around the group in front of her, taking in the reactions of the young Scooby gang - an impatient look on the face of Xander, Oz's usual mask of indifference melting into an uncommon look of ill-ease, Willow sitting next to him with her eyes glued to the back of her Buffy, Giles with his eyes also trained on his slayer and finally Alt Buffy herself, standing in front of Buffy with her closed and her head down, clearly reliving whatever misery she'd felt since Buffy and Spike had shattered her dream of adolescent-love-that-lasts-a-lifetime the night before.
Finally Buffy looked at Spike, seeking his permission to lay out the truth of what amounted to the most monumentous change in his life to a group of people who were likely to meet it with derision and disbelief - something he had had to endure already from these people. But one look at the quiet support on his face, the barely perceptible nod and she finally found her voice again.
"He loves me" she began, keeping her eyes on Spike, "yes .. but that's not the only reason I trust him" she said, gearing up to drop what was sure to be one hell of a bomb on the group dispersed around the school library. She turned back to look at each face in turn as she said, "Spike has his soul".
Yet more silence, Buffy thought. You sure know how to stun people into being mute Buffy, she congratulated herself. She could see the looks of incredulity on her young friends' faces, the starkest being her own young face, Alt Buffy's eyes having flown to Buffy's and Spike's faces in turn at the bombshell, but the most shocked in the room's was her old lover's. If not for the hurt flying around the room, Buffy would have laughed at the wide-set eyes on Angel's face as he glued his eyes to Spike, who in turn was looking defiantly back at his grandsire. Figuring the hard and fast truth was the way to go she quickly plowed on.
"He got his soul back voluntarily for reasons that are quite frankly none of your business. It's not an Angelus deal, he can't lose it, it's not an issue. He has now fought by my side for longer than anyone in this room has at the present date and my trust in him is unshakeable, so don't try", she said warningly. "You wanted answers and I'm giving them to you but this isn't the inquisition. I'm telling you what you want to know so we can keep this situation as violence-free as possible" she said, catching the still stunned eyes of Alt Buffy, waiting for her to acknowledge and accept the terms.
Alt Buffy held her gaze as the others started to mumble amongst themselves, Xander expressing disbelief, Willow trying to be the voice of reason, Angel with his eyes glued to Spike as he no doubt struggled to come to terms with the ever widening gulf between what he knew 24 hours ago and what was now to be. But younger Buffy's gaze never wavered from her own and eventually, after seeing the truth in her older self's eyes, she moved her gaze to Spike and nodded slowly, a sort of heartbroken curiosity etched on her young face.
Xander's voice broke through the whispered mumblings with a loud bark of disbelieving laughter as he whirled back to look at Spike.
"We're supposed to just take this as read without any proof!" he said incredulously. "And even if it's true, it's not like we haven't already had to deal with a so-called souled vampire murdering the townspeople already!"
"Xander!", Willow cried worriedly but she needn't have bothered. Alt Buffy was lost in a contemplative daze while Angel was gazing at Spike with an intensity usually reserved for herself in days gone by.
"You either believe us or you don't Harris" Spike spoke up, trying to keep his voice and demeanor calm and drawing the gaze of the Scoobies. "I'm not gonna hurt any of you. Even if I wanted to, Buffy wouldn't let me. If you don't believe anything else, believe that".
"So what, you just woke up one day and decided you wanted to feel guilt and remorse for being a murderer for over a century!" Xander cried incredulously. "How stupid do you think I am?"
"Well on a scale of one to ten, a sodding googolplex you wanker!" Spike cried.
"Alright stop it, both of you!" Buffy demanded.
"Everyone just calm down!" Giles cried exasperated. He spared a glance at Xander, fixing him with his authoritative gaze before turning back to the older Buffy and Spike. "You must understand that this is going to be difficult for us to grasp" he tried in a strained voice. "We don't have the benefit of your experience to ease us into this ..."
"Look, how deep into this do we need to go?" Spike spoke up, somewhat annoyed. "This isn't Storytime With bloody Mother, people. Why exactly is it any of your business what's happened for us? If you trust Buffy you should trust she knows what she's doing!"
"Yeah, well it wouldn't be the first time she's put a vampire above the safety of innocence people!" Xander said.
"Mind your tongue, whelp!"
"Spike don't, this isn't helping" Buffy started, reaching out to place a restraining hand on his arm.
"See!" Xander cried. "God Buffy, you're acting like .."
"Acting like what!" Buffy snapped, whipping her gaze back to her young friend.
"Xander, you are making things worse!" Giles said, growing angrier by the minute.
Breaking away from Spike's side, Buffy advanced on her young friends. "Look, this isn't going to work!" Buffy started angrily, trying desperately to reign it in. "You can't expect me to make you understand the last 4 years of my life in one conversation! It took me those 4 years to understand it myself for god's sake!" she half laughed bitterly. "I get that you want answers, you want the big old curiosity dowsed but what difference is it going to make?" she reasoned. She could see Giles was already there with her - what was the point, all it would bring was more pain. Glancing at Angel she caught his gaze and somewhere within those eyes that used to mesmerize her so, she saw the acceptance, the resignation - it was over.
"The inquisition is over", Buffy said firmly, her features closing down. Willow tugged on Xander's arm to get him seated again but he shrugged her off and turning his back to her, walked to the far side of the table with a scowl on his face.
Giles meanwhile moved over to Alt Buffy, grasping her shoulder to draw her attention. A moment of silent communication passed between them and upon seeing her sigh with resignation at her watcher, Buffy took the opportunity to nip any further questions in the bud.
"Okay, here's the abridged version" she began, composing herself with every breath she took. "Angel is in LA, safe and sound last I heard from him", at that drawing both Alt Buffy and Angel's gaze back to her and strangely, they were now the calmest people in the library. Guess I already blew their lives to crap last night, Buffy thought sorrowfully. "We're all still together, patrolling, fighting the good fight, the whole sacred duty schtick, nothing much has changed ... there aren't any answers I could give you that would give you any solace", she tried to explain. "I could tell you about how Willow's a really powerful wicca but you already knew that from yesterday. If I tried to explain to you how and what's happened because of that, you wouldn't understand", she said directly to Willow, the young girl looking at Buffy with curiosity and fear all over her face. "No answers I can give you will make any difference to you now, even if you were going to remember it once we leave".
"And if we want to know because it's our lives?" Xander asked in bold voice.
"I get the wanting to know but honestly? I'm not so sure I want to tell any more" she answered.
Looking around at the room full of people who meant and mean so much to her, she shuddered with a renewed sense of responsibility as it hit her just how much their simply being there hurt them. She had destroyed her own teenaged self's happiness in one fell swoop, simply by being there. It was a feeling she hadn't had to endure since the days following her ressurection and it was not something she had ever wanted to experience again. She felt Spike move to stand behind her shoulder and lay a hand on the small of her back, his silent support doing little to ease her guilt on their current situation but supplying her with that much-needed sense of purpose and strength. Back to business Buffy, she ordered herself.
He felt her pull herself up into her slayer mode again and was struck with yet another wave of devotion to this girl. The way she held herself, the way she defended him and them, gone was the unsure Buffy of years gone by who cowed to her friend's perceptions. Though some things would never change - he knew she was feeling the weight of guilt for what had transpired here tonight and wouldn't understand his arguing that it was circumstances' fault not hers' - but with nothing to be done about it, she was back in slayer mode.
"Spike and I will make ourselves as inconspicuous as possible while we're here. Will told us not to effect any events and I'm guessing to do that we're going to have to lay low and stay out of your way as much as possible".
"Yes, I agree" Giles answered quietly, still standing at his slayer's side. "I was thinking last night of the best place to keep you," he continued sighing tiredly, "and I've decided that the best solution is for you to stay in my apartment".
"Giles, you don't need to ..."
"It's perfectly alright, Buffy" he interrupted. "It's the best solution to the problem. We can't have you staying at a hotel or somewhere public - there are a whole host of problems that could arise should you run into someone that could recognise you or find out there are in fact two Buffy's in Sunnydale at the moment. It's bad enough you were wandering around outside last night".
"It didn't occur to us ..." she started apologetically only to be interrupted, not unkindly, by Giles again.
"It's quite alright, Buffy, I admit we were all in a bit of a shock last night" he continued. "But be that as it may, from now on we should all be much more careful. Keeping in mind what Willow said yesterday, your presence here should be as secluded and insular as we can make it and the best solution is to give you your space in a place you are not likely to be discovered by others. Therefore I'll relinquish my apartment to you for the duration of your stay here".
"Thanks watcher," Spike started, knowing full well he was in for one of the old Giles-Ripper looks regardless of how pleasantly he addressed him. He wasn't disappointed. Apparently young Giles' kindness and understanding was reserved for Buffy and only bestowed on him because of association. How times don't change, he thought wryly.
"Right, well if that's settled, I suggest I take you back to the apartment as quickly and quietly as possible. I have to find a cochroach free hotel to check into for the foreseeable future".
Giles squeezed Alt Buffy's shoulder one more time before going to his office to collect his keys, while the rest of the Scoobies stood awkwardly in his wake, desperately avoiding the gaze of him and Buffy, who was now leaning imperceptibly into his side. That was until Alt Buffy said something which shook the very ground under his feet and caused the already pale Buffy to lurch and gasp, the colour draining from her face faster than water down a pipe.
"You don't have to stay at a hotel Giles, you can stay with me and mom."
Joyce. Oh god, he thought, rooted to the spot, his heart breaking for his girl at his side. How could it not have occurred to them?
Joyce was still alive here.
AN: I realise I have not posted anything for about 5 months now and if that means I've lost all readers I guess that's my own fault. I'm really sorry I've been AWOL but believe me when I say that real life got a little too real for a while there. Things are getting better now and I'm hoping that that means I'll have more time to devote to this story. I didn't have the intention of abandoning it at all and I still don't, although things may be a little slow for now. Sorry 'bout that peeps. I hope there are still a few people interested :)
About the chapter itself, my least favourite thing to write is big scenes with lots of people hanging around talking, so it's a wonder I chose to do this story - all it seems to be is big groups of people hanging around yelling and such lol. I'm much more comfortable with the one on one's so if you're not feeling this chapter, I don't blame you cause I ain't either. Things will get more one on one pretty soon though, so I'm hoping real life allows me the time to get to the parts I really want to write as opposed to keeping me in suspended animation in the parts that make me want to rip my eyes out and shove them up my ... eh, nose :/
