Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious. Or Starbucks, for that matter. (Though I wish I did...)
Welcome to the Fallout.
II.
The hours passed by all too quickly for my liking and before I knew it, it was time to get up and get ready to go. The anxieties lie deep in my gut as I removed my warm covers and stepped onto the cold floor. I got a chill—it was cold in my room. Great temperature for sleeping, but I hated having to get up at seven o'clock each morning and bear it.
I moved quickly, selecting my last clean pair of jeans and pulled them on, successfully blocking a little bit of the frigid air in my room. I sighed when I saw that I didn't have any more shirts to wear so I settled for pulling on a black tank top and a Hollywood Arts sweatshirt that was too big for me. I paused for a brief second as I realized why I had this. It was… his. The back of my throat burned as I stood in the mirror, looking at myself. My hair was tangled and messy, and if possible I looked thinner than I did just yesterday, although I knew I was probably just seeing things. The heather-gray sweatshirt went to the tops of my thighs, and it bunched up around the arms when I pushed my hands free. I remembered the night he let me wear this sweatshirt. We were on the beach at around midnight—I had snuck out to see him again—and I kept shivering. Being the gentleman he was, he took off his sweatshirt and made me put it on. I was too embarrassed to tell him my shudders weren't just from the ocean breeze.
I stopped my train of thought before I could think about it anymore. It just… hurt too much. I couldn't even think his name anymore. Everything was just so fresh. I needed distance, and it didn't help that I was still forced to see him everyday: in class, at lunch, in the hall… all with her at her rightful place at his side. And it probably wasn't making it any easier that here I stood, wearing his clothes.
But, to be quite honest, it kind of gave me a little bit of comfort. Every time I breathed in deep enough, I could smell his cologne on the fabric. As sick as it may sound, I hadn't had the heart to wash it, let alone give it back. I figure, if he stole my heart and completely ripped my world apart, I can wear his damn sweatshirt.
I finished getting ready in a daze, not caring too much about how I looked. I wore my hair as usual, in waves, and I could only stand wearing a little bit of mascara on my lashes.
I grabbed my bag and my phone and headed downstairs to wait for Trina to finish getting ready. It was a good twenty minutes later when she came prancing down the steps in too tight jeans, ridiculous boots, and an overly-flowy pink shirt with a glittery butterfly on it. Typical Trina. Showy and completely over-the-top.
She took one look at my appearance and pinched her face up like she had a sour taste in her mouth. "You look terrible."
"Gee, thanks so much Treen," I replied sarcastically.
"Just being honest, little sister. You should really cover those bags under your eyes." She said as she grabbed her car-keys and headed for the door I was already leaning against, eager to get this day over with as quick as possible.
I ignored her completely and yanked the door open and started for the car.
"Aren't you gonna eat?"
"What do you care?" I snapped, and made my way to the passenger side, tugging on the handle impatiently like I did when I was a kid. You're still a kid. I swallowed that thought up.
She laughed as she took her sweet time. "I don't." I rolled my eyes. "But, you do look pale and thin." She paused for a minute in thought as she unlocked the doors and I hurriedly got in the front seat.
She rushed around the car to get in beside me. "Wait… you don't have an eating disorder, do you?" She pressed with wide eyes and I tugged my seatbelt on.
I fought the urge to laugh. "No, Trina, I don't have an eating disorder." I really didn't. Although, I didn't tell her that food had little appeal to me anymore.
"Whatever you say," She said as she started towards the school. "Although, it would explain why you've been so weird lately. I mean, weirder than usual."
I gave that some thought as we winded through the streets. Even Trina, who was the most self-obsessed person I had ever met, could realize that there was something not quite right with me. I wasn't blind to the little looks she gave me when she insulted me and I paid her no attention. She knew something was up, but she didn't care enough to bother finding out what it is.
She pulled into the drive through at Starbucks and as she finished ordering her super complicated high maintenance coffee, I had my eye on a frappucino and was about to say as much, but then thought better of it and just got a hot apple cider.
The unease was still gnawing away at me as it always did when I went to school. I hated having to go. It wasn't so much the school itself, it was more of the people inside of it. A wave of nausea hit me as I thought about whom I had to see, but I pushed it down with great effort as I did every morning about this time. Today it was particularly unpleasant though, and I fought hard to keep from getting sick. I'm pretty sure Trina would blow a gasket if I upchucked on the car floor. It still might be funny, though.
When we finally got to school, we had a few minutes to spare. I warmed my hands on my cup of cider, and took small sips. I headed straight for my locker, looking straight ahead the whole time and ignoring everybody.
"Hey," A familiar voice greeted me as I took some books out of my locker. "How ya feelin'?"
Without even looking I replied. "Pretty terrible, but what else is new?"
"Hey, look at me." He gently urged, placing his hand on my upper arm to still my movements.
I blinked slowly and looked at him.
"Did you even sleep last night?" He frowned.
"Yes." I answered truthfully. "I got like…" I squinted as I tried to recall. "Four hours."
"Tori." He scolded.
"Hey, that's actually good though." I said, defending myself.
"But, it's actually not good. You know—"
I cut him off. "I know." I said sharply.
"Did you eat?"
"No."
"Here," He said as he handed me a granola bar that he dug out of his bag. "Eat it."
I sighed and closed my locker. "I can't." I frowned.
"At least try. For me," He pouted.
I cracked a smile. "Not the puppy dog eyes," I reluctantly took the bar. "Anything but that!"
He chuckled and I leaned against the lockers, feeling positively drained already. "You look a little green," He observed absently.
I watched as more people began slowly making their way to class, and soon there were just a few loiterers and us.
I closed my eyes and swallowed. "I can't do this." I whispered.
"Yes, you can." Andre contradicted.
I began to protest but he continued. "Look, I know that you didn't tell me the whole story, but I know what I know, Tor. And I get that this is hard for you. Heck, it's even hard for me to watch you like this. But please, don't lose yourself. You need to keep it together," He stated firmly and I didn't have to open my eyes to know that the words were backed up by the truth in his own stare.
I wondered how he must see me. How everyone must see me. I was just... there now. Everything was just shades of dull gray and nothing piqued my interest like it used to. I was floating through everything, trying but failing to keep my head above the current.
I sighed and straightened up, hiking up my bag up higher on my shoulder. "Keep it together, right, check." I mumbled and pushed my way past him in the direction of my first class, not wanting to be late. I inwardly laughed. It seemed really stupid now to still be concerned with such trivial things such as being tardy to class. So much had happened that I almost felt guilty for worrying about something as small as that.
Andre's words still echoed in my ears. I got what he said. I understood. I did. But what he didn't really seem to get was that I had no idea how in the hell I was supposed to 'keep it together' when I had already lost myself anyways.
A/N: Hi there! I should be trying to sleep, but I really wanted to get a chapter out on this one. It's pretty much fresh off of word, and I tried to catch all the errors when I went back and edited, but if something slipped by my attention then I'm sorry. Tori is OOC. I know. That's on purpose. There's a reason she's being the way she is. There were tiny hints to one of the reasons she's so upset and if you catch them, then A++ for you. Don't spoil it, though. c; Anyhoo, I know nothing is explained that much. But be patient. Please :)
Chapter three out soon I hope. Maybe tomorrow, if I don't have mountains of homework.
