Recap. The Not-So-Condensed X-Men: First Tap A Dat Ass


I own nothing.

Pt. 2

***GRATUITOUS EXTENDED USE OF PHALLIC SYMBOL ALERT***

Covert CIA Research Base.

The newly assembled team sits in an ultra-hip lounge against the backdrop of Cerebro, framed within the view of a huge window. Raven suggests that as government agents they assign themselves cool secret code names.

"I wanna be called Mystique..."

"Damn—I wanted to be called 'Mystique' Sean jokes creepily. Raven assumes his form.

"In your dreams, dude..." she says before she turns back into her human disguise. The team applauds. Sean is even more impressed because he knows that if he had her power he could finally get a date. Or at least take masturbation to a completely new level. "Darwin, what about you?" Raven asks him.

"Well, Darwin's already my nickname, adapt to survive and all," he says, greatly downplaying the fact that his power of reactive evolution makes him, by far, the most powerful mutant in the room. "Check this out..." He gets up, employing way too much swagger for the lame display of ability he's about to perform as he goes to a handy fish tank, slams his face in it and grows gills for all of them to see. The rest of the team claps like a bunch of four year-olds. "What about you?" he points to Sean.

Sean gives it some thought. "I'm going to be Banshee."

"Why do you want to name yourself after a screaming fairy spirit?" Hank asks, quite perplexed.

"Because my closet is way too cramped and I need to come out now," he admits. "Cover your ears and watch this..." Sean instructs them all. He cops a squat. To the team it looks as if he's going to take a major dump—or let loose a monster fart. Whatever he's doing, the sexy factor is decidedly nil. To their relief he shoots a sonic whistle at the plate glass window before them and shatters it to smithereens. "Your turn..." he says to Angel.

"Well, my stage name is Angel..." she stands and takes off her jacket then unfurls her wings.

"You can fly?" exclaims Raven excitedly.

"Uh huh—and this..." Angel proceeds to shoot a spit ball from hell out of her mouth and through the broken window at the statue in the courtyard. All but Hank find this wildly amusing as he ruminates on the scientific ramifications of her gag reflex and how it could very possibly turn a blow job into a total nightmare. "What's your name?" she directs her question to Hank, who just looks uncomfortable.

"How about Bigfoot," jokes Alex, who clearly has a problem imbibing carbonated drinks.

"You know what they say about guys with big feet...and yours look kinda small, dickhead," Raven disses him on Hank's behalf. The rest of the team laughs as Alex takes the hit.

"So, what can you do, dickhead?" asks Darwin.

Still smarting a little from Raven's diss he totally pussies out. "It's not uh...I can't do it in here..." he mumbles.

"Can you do it out there?" Darwin asks him.

"Why don't you just do it out there?" suggests Raven.

"Can you do it on a train?" asks Angel.

"Can you do it in the rain?" asks Sean.

"In a tree? In the dark? With a mouse? With a fox? Should we put your candy ass inside a box? Can you do it there? Can you do it anywhere?" asks Hank viciously.

"Damn it! I can do it out there!" Alex screams out frustratedly. He walks out through the broken window. "Jesus...get the fuck back," he orders them all as they watch in wonder. They obey only momentarily and peer out at him again. "I said get back," he says angrily. This time they don't comply. "Fuck it," he mumbles.

Alex channels the destructive force in his body and further proves that it is not a good night to be a statue as he slices the fucker in the courtyard in half.

"So...who are you, man?" Darwin asks Alex then.

"Havok, I am."

The team cheers and he is redeemed.


Meanwhile...Moira, Charles, Erik and the Man in Black are in a meeting with the CIA Director and Agent Stryker.

"Okay, Okay—we've got intel that Shaw is totally in bed with the Russians. Go ahead, McTaggert, say it," the CIA Director says with a sigh.

"I'm not here to say 'I told you so'...just authorize this operation cuz we have other shit to do today and a flight that leaves for Russia in an hour..." she says irritatedly.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah—fight fire with fire—I get it. I'm down."

"Wait—you're okay with sending in these untrained, unauthorized freaks who could possibly survive an attack from their fellow mutants instead of hundreds of thousands of semi-trained, semi-authorized, freshly-drafted teenagers who could die horrible but honorable deaths for the sake of their country?" rages Agent Stryker.

Everyone looks at him and utters a collective "Duh?"

"These 'freaks' are dedicated hard-working people, you ass," the Man in Black informs him indignantly as Moira, Charles and Erik leave.

"These kids are not ready for Shaw," Erik admits, as his junk and Charles lead Moira to meet the team.

"I think they're going to surprise you—they're an exceptional bunch of young people..." Charles says with great conviction and pride.

Charles chokes on his words from the moment before as they find the team acting like out-of-control brats at a mutant sleep-over gone wild. He and Erik look on disapprovingly as Moira goes totally maternal.

"What are you doing?" she screams at them as they come to attention. "Who destroyed the statue?"

"Alex..." Hank says, happily ratting him out.

"No, his name is Havok," Raven corrects him as she goes all Betty Boop. "And we were thinking...you should be 'Professor X'," she points to Charles, "and you should be 'Magneto'," she points to Erik then does a little dip and squeals with delight.

Erik is secretly jazzed at his new moniker but remains stoic and disapproving. "Exceptional." His tone is completely condescending.

Moira has no more words and stalks off.

Charles locks his gaze on Raven. "I expect more from you," he glowers at her and walks off.

"Oh yeah? I've got more for you, Charles! Come and get it!" she yells after him angrily, turns around and moons the space where he stood. The rest of the team look on in shock.

"Girlfriend, really?" asks Angel knowingly as she approaches her.

"No, not really. I wish, really." Raven fumes as she pulls her tights up and her dress down.

"I am lovin' the way he flies his freak flag—gimme some, girl," Angel raises her hand for Raven to slap her five.

All of the guys in the room observe their exchange silently, each wishing that either of the girls would give them some, as well.


Russian Military Retreat.

A lonely little convoy truck containing Moira, Erik, Charles and a very small group of troops travails a long road that approaches the military retreat where Shaw is expected for a meeting with the Russian Defense chief. Moira informs everyone that the security checkpoint in the copse ahead was not mapped and is, therefore, a complete surprise—because why would there be a security checkpoint on the road leading to a Russian military retreat, for fuck's sake?

"Chill, everyone—I've got this shit," Charles assures them all.

The Russian troops inspect the truck and see nothing as Charles completely mind-fucks them all and their attack dog, too. The truck is allowed to go on its way.

Shortly thereafter the team is positioned on a hill and watch as a chopper comes in for landing. Emma Frost exits alone and is greeted by the Chief.

"Where's Shaw?" asks Erik, alarmed.

"Hold on..." Charles invades the mind of a guard standing near Emma to overhear her conversation with the Chief. "He's not coming...what now, boss?" he asks Moira.

"We came for Shaw, he's not here—we've got to abort."

"Fuck that—she's his right hand woman and that's good enough for me," Erik says.

"Hold it—the CIA invading a senior Soviet official's compound? Industrial-strength crack, is it?" Moira says, beside herself.

"I'm not CIA," he says and takes off.

Inside the retreat Emma prepares to bone the information she needs out of the Chief. Or so we think.

Back outside Moira's mission is spinning out of her control. Erik pimps the hell out of a barbed-wire fence and uses it to subdue the soldiers, wreaking general sexy magnetic havoc as he makes his way into the compound and through it. The rest of the team watches in horror and awe and prepare to get the hell out before he stars World War III.

"Shit! No! Charles? Where are you going?"

"Look at him," he smiles excitedly at her, "I can't leave him..." and he's the fuck out of there. On his way in he performs a random and completely pointless act of kindness by calming one wounded soldier while leaving all the others to continue squirming in excruciating pain.

He meets up with Erik and they burst in to the Chief's bedchamber together to find Emma snacking and the Chief dry-humping air alone on his bed.

"Nice trick," says Charles, a touch disgusted. It breaks Emma's concentration and thus her influence over the now surprised Chief, who looks over at Emma more than confused. She shoots him a fugly-ass smile and he throws up slightly in his mouth before Charles puts him to sleep. Emma changes into her diamond form.

"Don't even try it, sugar—you'll get nothing out of me like this," she taunts Charles and shoots a mental dagger at him. He looks at Erik who clearly accepts the challenge at hand. Emma makes a run for it and they easily catch and subdue her. Erik binds all four of her limbs to the bed by its brass rails.

"Where's Shaw?" he demands of her.

Emma continues to resist; Erik wraps another rail around her neck and tightens the grip causing her to crack.

"Erik, that's enough," warns Charles, who has played this particular game with him on a personal level before and becomes aroused in spite of himself. Erik ignores him. "Erik! That's enough!" He ignores Charles still. "Yabba Dabba Doo! Yabba Dabba Doo!" Charles yells out their safeword frantically. Erik relents and Emma changes to her human form, shaking her head at them in contempt.

"Save it for someone who gives a damn, sparkles," Erik says as he lights a cigarette, "if she changes back into her diamond form just give that ass a gentle tap..."

Charles reads her mind, sees Shaw's dastardly plan and hears his awful "Children of the Atom" speech. "It's worse than we imagined," he says to Erik. "Let's get her to the CIA."


Covert CIA Research Base.

(The familiar strains of a disco song by the Weather Girls begins to play...)

The team is still hanging out in the lounge; Darwin and Alex are bonding over pinball as the others sit and are being taunted by asshole CIA agents through the window. Suddenly they hear strange noises. In another room, Azazel interrupts the Man in Black's meeting with a fellow agent and treats them both to a lovely new game called "It's Raining Men". As the team opens the curtain to look out of the window they are treated to the sight of the Man in Black going splat on the pavement and that of other agents, meeting their death in the same horrible manner all over the base.

(Disco music ends abruptly as more ominous music begins heralding the arrival of the rest of The Hellfire Club)

Shaw strolls in to the main atrium demanding to know the location of the mutants. He is answered by gunfire and laughs as he absorbs the assault and feeds off the energy. Most of the CIA agents and troops, by this point, have the good sense to bend over and kiss their own asses goodbye. Shaw stamps his foot on the floor causing a nuclear domino effect that destroys the building and everyone in it.

Meanwhile, the team is having the general fuck scared out of them by the sight of Azazel and Riptide, who between them, kill more agents and destroy Cerebro.

"Ah, here you all are. Where's the telepath?" ask Shaw when he makes his grand entrance and meets up with his comrades.

"Not here," Azazel informs him.

"Alrighty, then—I can take this off," he removes his helmet. "Hello, kids. My name is Sebastian Shaw and I'm not here to hurt you."

Just then, one stupid troop member, who has obviously been living under a rock, ignores the carnage around him and his odds of survival, as points his puny rifle at Shaw and yells out for him to freeze. Shaw dispatches Azazel to handle that shit, which he does flawlessly. The team adds his vicious display of power to their growing list of "The Most Pant-shittingest Moments Of The Last Ten Minutes".

" My friends, there's a revolution coming—you can choose freely, but you really want to be on my side. You can either be slaves..." Shaw says as he looks at Darwin.

"Why you lookin' at me, man?" he says indignantly.

"Or you can rise up and join me...live like kings..." he looks at Hank, "and queens..." he looks at Angel and holds out his hand. "I'm just sayin'..."

"Oh, I can rise up but I can't be a king? Uh huh, that figures," Darwin says in a huff.

"Dude, please—you should be glad I'm not giving you my 'Children of the Atom' speech. Now shut the fuck up and make the smart choice."

Angel easily switches her allegiance because she likes the idea of being treated like a queen—and she's seen "Wild Things". She takes Shaw's hand and joins his team, admonishing the others to do the same.

"I don't even believe this shit," says Raven disgustedly, mirroring the rest of the team's shock and feeling of betrayal. "We have to do something," she tells her friends. Darwin and Alex share a tense moment before Darwin joins Shaw as well.

"Oh, wonderful—smart move. Tell me about yourself?" Shaw asks Darwin as he approaches.

"Well, I like long walks in the park, lazy Sunday mornings drinking chai latte while I read the New York times and my nipples are really sensitive..." which we see quite evidently under his nice ribbed shirt.

"Not what I meant and way too much information, dude—what's your mutation?"

"Oh...I adapt to survive, so I'm coming with you," he says as he heads for Angel, who is smiling because she's no stranger to threesomes and she digs men with sensitive nipples.

"Cool," Shaw welcomes him with a smile and a pat on the back.

Darwin heads for Angel to shield her and totally ruins the element of surprise by calling out to Alex; they take way too long to implement their now obvious plan and alert Shaw that he's about to enjoy another energy snack. Alex lets his power rip and Shaw not only eats that shit up but easily blocks Darwin's lame assault and force-feeds him a bite-sized chunk of it.

"Adapt to this," Shaw orders him. He joins his Hellfire Club members then as Azazel teleports them all away.

Darwin stands before his team and gives them a look of goodbye. He reaches out one hand, wishing he could strangle someone, preferably the person who allowed such a cool character to go to such horrible waste. His team looks on sadly and joins him in the knowledge that he should not only adapt to Shaw's nuclear breath mint, but become a pure source of energy and a total death god and, at the very least, join Deadpool in Development Hell. Instead he just fucking dies.


Moscow, Russia.

Sebastian Shaw finally meets with the Defense Chief and converses easily with him in Russian. He smugly apologizes for the embarrassing treatment he suffered at the hands of the CIA and tells them that the ruthless Americans have nuclear missiles placed in Turkey; he then suggests that Russia should step up to the plate and start placing some missiles of their own and happily suggests Cuba.

The Defense Chief laughs in his face. "We'd be starting a war—good one, Mr. Shaw...missiles in Cuba, really," he continues to chuckle. Shaw switches to English.

"Maybe I wasn't clear enough—you will make this happen," he tells the Chief seriously.

"Let's see what the KGB has to say about this," the Chief counters as he heads for his telephone and places a call. The rest of the Hellfire Club teleport into the room before his eyes.

"Now, who's bitch are you?" Shaw asks the stunned man with a self-congratulatory smirk.


Covert CIA Research Base.

Charles, Erik and Moira arrive back at the obliterated base. Charles heads first to his beloved Raven and hugs her.

"We've made arrangements to get you all back home," he informs them all.

"Home? Where is that?" Sean asks indignantly. And he's not going back to prison," he says of Alex.

"What?" asks Charles a little taken aback at his vehemence.

"He killed Darwin," Alex says angrily.

"All the more reason to get you all out of here. This is over."

"Darwin is dead, Charles, and we can't even bury him," says Raven then, clearly upset at being denied the opportunity to have a funeral and further lay Darwin and his canon to rest.

"We can avenge him," says Erik to the dejected group.

"Erik, would you shut the fuck up and step over here, please?" Charles is irritated beyond measure. The two men conference quietly with their backs to the rest of the group. "They're just kids..."

"They were kids, Charles. Shaw has his army—we need ours," he counters persuasively as he leans dangerously close to his friend. They lock eyes and a kiss seems imminent.

"Ahem..." coughs Moira loudly. "Uh, guys? Back to the matter at hand here?" she says uncomfortably as she motions the kids with her head.

Erik turns and then walks over to her, whispering in her ear as he passes. "Cock-blocker..." he says seductively. Moira just looks stricken as she creams herself.

"Ah, yes," Charles comports himself before he faces them. "We'll have to train—all of us..."

"Where the hell will we do that? We've got nowhere to go..." says Hank.

"Yes we do," Charles assures them all.


CIA Headquarters.

Emma Frost sits in a detainment cell as the Director and Agent Stryker discuss the civil liberties to law ratio as it pertains to deadly mutants and the impending war at hand. They keep talking bullshit hoping that she'll pull that move from "Basic Instinct". Emma shakes her head in reprimand at them, rises from her chair, goes to the two-way mirror and cuts a perfect circle in it with her diamond forefinger. She pops the glass out with a tap.

"Let's get something straight, shall we? You guys are fucked." she says sweetly.


Meanwhile...

The Russians send their one ship carrying nuclear warheads to Cuba...

The Americans dispatch the 7th fleet to meet them...

Charles introduces the team to his, now their, palatial Westchester, New York home and future school for mutants as Raven leads the tour...

In Moscow, the Defense Chief persuades the Russians to vote in favor of dispatching the rest of their fleet to Cuba...

In America, the President signs a formal proclamation setting up a blockade of all missiles armed for Cuba and war is imminent...


Westchester, New York.

Charles tries to train Erik, who opts to practice easy unchallenging stuff, like stopping a bullet to his brain at point blank range.

"C'mon, what are you waiting for? You know I can deflect it," says Erik excitedly.

"No, I can't. Besides, if you know you can do it it's not a challenge..."

"That's not what you said last night..." Erik leers at him.

"Erik, on task, please. What happened to the man who wanted to raise submarines?" Charles asks him exasperatedly.

"I need to be in the moment—I need the anger..."

"That's not what you said last night..."

"I didn't need anger to raise my submarine last night..."

"Alright, Erik, that one was my fault..."

"Seriously, though, the anger has gotten the job done all this time, Charles."

"Anger is not enough—that tactic has gotten you nearly killed on more than one occasion—I can't lose you. Come on, let's try something a little more challenging..."


"My step-father was a complete asshole, but he did build this fabulous bunker," Charles tells Alex as they begin training.

"Bad things happen when I use my power..."

"That's because you don't control it—it controls you. But we're going to change all of that," Charles reassures him.

"You don't think I'll blow up these walls?" Alex asks worriedly.

"This place was built to withstand nuclear attack, Alex—I think it can handle you just fine...aim for the dummy."

"But Hank's not here..." Alex says as he positions the practice mannequin.

Charles shoots him a reprimanding look.


"Sean, you are a wonder—you can shatter glass!" As usual, the mutant display of ability turns Charles on far too much. Moira watches their session patiently.

"I know that, but explain it to me, because it freaks me out."

"No, I don't feel like it. Just remember that's a muscle like any other in your body," Charles says as he touches his own throat, "you can control it."

"But..."

"Google it, dude..."

"What?"

"I mean, Encyclopedia Britannica, third floor library—read up on it—I've got a muscle to control..." he winks at him as he walks over to Moira, who has just been biding her time and gives a look that proves it, as he links his arm through hers and leads her away.


"In each of us two natures are at war...

"Jekyll and Hyde..." says Hank after a run that he's lost to Charles.

"Exactly, but it wasn't about good versus evil—it was about man's animal nature and his struggle to conform. It's that struggle that's holding you back..."

"Jekyll was afraid of his power."

"You are, too, Hank; because clearly, large hand-feet terrify salespeople in shoe stores and there is a way to master that..."

Hank nods his head in agreement.


"If you really want me to do this you need to get back," Alex warns Charles.

"Alright, I'll just step out and shut the door. Ready when you are..."

Charles hears what sounds like a missile firing and then the alarm go off. He opens the door to find the bunker ablaze and grabs a fire extinguisher.

"The room can handle me, huh?"

"Don't be a smart-ass," says Charles irritatedly. "I will teach you to control this, Alex. Stop standing there looking sexy and help me put this out..."


Sean is being suited-up for his maiden flight by Charles and Hank. "You're sure this will work?"

"Probably—I based the design on..."

"Hank, shut up," Charles instructs him. They take Sean to a window and seat him outside of it as Raven, Alex and Erik watch from one window away. "Remember, scream as hard as you can..." he admonishes him.

"You need the sound waves to be supersonic—catch them at the right angle and they should carry you," adds Hank.

"They should carry me?" asks Sean, loopy as fuck.

Hank can't tell if it's from the adrenaline rush, fear, or if that mack Sean is throwing his way is totally not a figment of his imagination as he appears to swoop in for a lip-lock.

"C'mon, Sean, you can do this—remember to scream—good luck!" says Charles.

Sean jumps and forgets everything he's been told as he falls gracelessly into some bushes.


Charles and Hank prepare to race each other again.

"If you want to beat me you'll have to set the beast free, Hank."

Hank accepts the challenge and smokes Charles easily.

"Congratulations, my friend," Charles beams at him. Alex approaches them.

"Impressive, Hank. All you need now is a red nose to go with those bozo feet."

Hank stalks off.

"Must you be such a dick, Alex?" Charles frowns at him.

"Until I get to use the one I have, yes."


Raven is bench-pressing weights on an antique bench that matches her lovely foofy make-shift weight room—because Queen Anne was apparently a bad-ass, too. Erik enters the room and levitates the barbell out of her hand, suspending it above her.

"If you're using half your concentration to look normal then you're only half paying attention to whatever else you're doing—just pointing out something that could save your life—or keep you from truly enjoying a mind-blowing orgasm." He lets the barbell fall and she reflexively reverts to her true form before she catches it.

"You want society to accept you but you can't even accept yourself," he says softly. He leaves her with that kernel of wisdom as he walks out. The barbell wants to follow him because it has fallen in love, and would try it if not for Raven's death grip upon it.


"This is so not sexy," complains Alex of his new suit.

"Neither are you so you're a perfect couple," snipes Hank.

"Gentlemen, please," Charles begins, greatly annoyed. He goes to a table in the room and retrieves two magazines. "Have neither of you ever heard of this?" He holds up Playboy magazines for them to see. "Right...now, back on task."

Hank explains the particulars of the prototype attached to his chest to Alex.

"Good—Alex, hit the mannequin in the middle, damn it; Hank lets go out."

Alex tries and fails miserably.

Charles and Hank return to the room. "I have another assignment for you both..." he hands them each a magazine. "Alex, go on to your room and practice hitting your mark...Hank," he hands him his copy, "set the beast free. Both of you go on now. We'll try this again later."


Hank sits at his microscope as Raven enters his lab with two drinking mugs.

"Your genes are so hot! Even your leukocytes are sexy," he exclaims. Raven sets her scrumptious badonk in his lap and takes a look. Hank squirms and looks like he'll blow at any moment.


Erik, Charles, Sean and Hank stand atop a radar dish.

"You really think I'll fly this time?"

"Unreservedly—don't you trust me?"

"You? Yes...him?" he points to Hank, "no..."

"Say nothing," Charles admonishes Hank.

"I'm gonna die..."

"We won't do anything you're not ready for..." Charles begins gently but with a slight smirk, as the memory of his and Erik's first night alone comes to him.

"Let me help..." Erik interrupts them and pushes Sean unceremoniously off the radar. Sean screams like a bitch and then lets a real supersonic scream rip as he finally finds his wings.

"Oh my God, Erik..."

"You were thinking it!"

"Yeah, but you did it!"

They both giggle coquettishly.

Hank rolls his eyes and vows silently to himself to burn the "White Chicks" DVD as soon as he gets back to the mansion.


Hank totally gets his rocks off feeling up the tit of the practice mannequin he's just marked for Alex.

"That's quite enough, Hank, thank you. Alex, I want you to hit the X and try not to hit me."

"What the fuck?" both Alex and Hank exclaim.

"Well, us actually," he says then, referring to Hank as well.

"What the fuck?" Hank looks at him crazily.

"Shut up, Hank. I have complete faith in you, Alex. Fire away."

He does and is successful.

"Am I still a bozo, Alex?"

"Yes, Hank."

Charles goes to the table to retrieve two new copies of Playboy.

"But good work—thanks, man."

Charles gives a sigh of relief and puts them back in the drawer.


"See that?" Charles directs Erik's attention to the radar off in the distance. "Turn it to face us."

Erik throws his hands up and does a bad impression of a third-rate magician. He fails.

"You know, anger and pain may have worked for you before, but I believe the true focus lies somewhere between rage and serenity," says Charles then. "Do you mind if I brain fuck you right now?"

"No, go ahead."

Charles accesses a pleasant memory of a birthday, or possibly Hanukkah, that Erik spent with his dear mother. Eric is flooded with the feeling of joyous, unconditional love.

"What did you just do to me?"

"I just accessed your happy place—you still have one, you know—it was beautiful, Erik, thank you."

"No, I didn't know."

"Well, now you do. Try it again," he says as he motions to the radar.

Erik accesses his happy place and achieves monumental success manipulating the radar to meet his will. He and Charles both weep tears of joy. They lean in to each other and a kiss seems imminent.

"I have another happy place, you know..." Erik growls seductively at Charles.

"Do you, now?" Charles asks, now in his own super sexy-motherfucker zone.

"Hey! The President's about to make his address..." Moira calls to them from an open window, breaking the spell between them.

"Come on," Charles pats Erik on the back and rushes off.

"Fucking bitch!" Erik mutters under his breath as he shoots daggers at Moira with his eyes.


The entire team watches the escalating developments of the Cuban Missile Crisis on television.

"That's where we'll find Shaw," Erik tells them all with certainty.

"How do you know?" asks Alex.

"Two super powers facing off and he wants to start World War three...he'll be there..." Charles assures them all.

"Busy day tomorrow—better get a good night's sleep," Erik tells everyone and leaves the room.

Everyone in the room watches him go; sleep is the last thing on anyone's mind.


Somewhere In The Caribbean Near Cuba...

...The nuclear submarine Caspartina sails towards its destiny. Sebastian Shaw is watching the same events unfold in the news on television as his arch enemies over cocktails with Angel.

"The world is primed for war and there's no one to stop me," he gloats.

"Feeling cocky, are you?" Angel teases him after they toast the occasion.

"Always, my Queen," he smiles knowingly at her.

"Well, stop—it's my turn now..."

"I thought you'd never ask," he says with a happy sigh.


Back In New York...

Hank knocks on Raven's door.

"Come in..."

"I have a surprise for you," he says excitedly as he opens a case and she shows her two hypodermic needles filled with green serum. "This is it—the answer to our prayers. I isolated the right marker in your DNA sample...the serum works like an antibiotic—it won't affect our abilities, just our appearance..."

Raven hesitates.

"You still want to do this, right?"

"Do we have to hide?"

"You're hiding right now, Raven. I just want to look..."

"Normal," they say in unison. Hank prepares to take the shot.

"Hank, don't! You're perfect just the way you are. Look at all we've done this week—all we're going to achieve. Okay, so we're different, but we are totally the shit, dude. Screw society—society should be more like us..." she changes into her true form. "Mutant and proud."

"Raven, get real—you're a blue scaly chick that desperately needs a hair make-over; my feet will never get me laid. I don't care if we cure cancer and save the world tomorrow—we may be accepted, but we'll never be deemed as beautiful. We need this cure."

"You know, I don't know what your big problem is, Hank..."

"Don't say 'big'," he warns.

"All you have to do is wear shoes and socks and nobody is the wiser," she begins hotly.

"Yeah, but they have to come off eventually—scares pussy clear away," he retorts.

"Hank, we know now that we're not alone, and I bet there's some freaky human chick out there that has a fetish for just your type of feet..."

"Yeah, 'freaky'" he says disgustedly.

"But if not, plenty of mutant girls would take you in a heartbeat."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"You didn't."

Raven is momentarily speechless.

"Uh huh, refute that shit," he says angrily.

"That's because you don't want the real me," she says with a tear in her eye, "you want this..." she reverts to her disguise.

"You're beautiful now—with this cure you would stay that way."

Raven shudders with her whole soul.

Hank gives her a final look of exasperation then takes his syringe and storms out of her room.

She picks up her syringe and stares at it, weighing the possibilities.


Charles and Erik are playing chess in the library as they discuss matters at hand.

"Shaw has declared war on all of mankind—he has to be stopped..." Charles says quietly as he ponders his next move on the board.

"I'm not going to stop Shaw—I'm going to kill him," Erik says very definitely. "Do you have it in you to allow that?" he asks his friend and waits for answer that doesn't come. "You know what I've been here for, Charles, but things have changed; yesterday this was some covert shit, tomorrow the whole world will know that we exist; they won't differentiate between us and Shaw; they'll be intrigued, take us on a couple of dates, then fear us; that fear will turn to hatred and then they won't call anymore—that shit hurts and I won't go out like that," he says vehemently.

"What are you going on about? If we stop the war...stop Shaw, risk our lives to do so... we can change all of that..."

"Would they do the same for us?"

"We have it in us to be the better man..."

"We already are—we're the next stage of human evolution, Charles, you said it yourself..."

"No..."

"Are you daft, man? Do you think they won't fight against their own extinction? Or are you just being arrogant? After tomorrow they're going to turn on us but you've got blinders on—they're not all like Moira, ready to blow you and bake you a cake, Charles."

"And they're not all like Shaw, either. Listen very carefully, my friend: killing Shaw won't bring you peace," Charles says, finally.

"Peace was never an option," Erik responds coolly.


In his laboratory Hank takes the shot; although he won't appreciate it at first, he will transform into something hot, furry, blue and with more sex appeal than he ever thought possible and provide young Andrew Lloyd Webber with the idea for a Broadway show that will net the impresario a shitload of green for the rest of his life.


Erik enters his room to find Raven lounging naked in his bed.

"Well, this is a surprise," he says, slightly annoyed.

"The nice kind?"

"Get out, Raven, I want to go to bed. Maybe in a few years..." he goes to his desk and turns away from her.

"How about now?"

To our delight we find that she didn't take the shot as he turns to find even hotter adult Raven staring at him.

"I prefer the real Raven," he says to her then.

She transforms into her regular disguise.

"I said the real Raven." His tone is now firm and angry.

She changes into her true form.

"Perfection," he says and means it.

"Could you pass me my robe?"

"No more hiding..." he walks over to the bed and sits beside her. "Have you ever seen a magnificent tiger and thought you ought to cover it up?"

"No..."

"You are a magnificent creature...it's time for you to be free..." he comes in for a kiss.

"What about Charles?" she stops him.

"What about Charles, indeed?"

"You two..."

"Love one another wholeheartedly," he finishes her sentence, "but we are two sides of one coin—we will never truly see eye to eye and I have reconciled myself to that fact. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I want to, but regardless of what you say, you two are the greatest love story on this planet—how can I ever compete with that?"

"You don't have to, Raven; you never have to compete with anyone for anything, you marvelous beauty. There are many great love stories on this planet...you and I, for example..." he takes off his turtleneck sweater, then stands up.

"Erik, I..." Raven begins nervously.

"I know. To quote the words of a dear friend, 'calm your mind'," he smiles down at her as she laughs lightly, a little less nervous than before. "Now, come here..." he coaxes her softly to come to his side of the bed. "Sit up and let me see you..." Raven obeys. "You are exquisite," he murmurs at her. "Now, undo my belt..." His commands come at her like the cool caress of silk against her skin which set all of her nerve endings ablaze. Her anticipation rises to a fever pitch and she finds that she needs no more instruction from him—for the moment.

"Yes, there you are," he growls into her neck as he holds her in his arms, relishing the feel of every delicate scale on her voluptuous little blue body.

She has freed him from every remaining stitch of his clothing. She has been curious about him ever since they first met; joked about him with Moira as any young naïve schoolgirl would; but now he is a reality in her arms and she finds that he is so much more than the mystery she could never fully imagine, more than the hot, throbbing wonder that is growing ever wondrous by the second: he is a man who loves and he loves her, the real her.

"So, you understand now?" he says as he lays her upon the bed delicately. "Or maybe you could benefit from a little more explanation? Extra training, perhaps?" he offers as the crush of his body melds into hers.

"Yes, extra training is always welcomed..." She is amazed that the two of them are truly about to happen and gasps as she feels the first unmistakable stab of his intent and desire.

"Then let the training begin," he says wickedly.