Recap. The Not-So-Condensed X-Men: First Tap A Dat Ass
I own nothing.
Pt. 3
Raven is standing naked in all of her sexy blue mutant glory in the doorway of the kitchen as Charles rummages in the fridge for a midnight drink.
"You know, sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if you hadn't found me here that night," she says softly.
"Say what?" Charles asks before he looks up. "Gah!" He takes a good gander at her before he turns his head and asks her where here clothes are.
"That's not the reaction you had when we first met—I guess pets are cuter when they're little, right?" She takes a seat at the table and he joins her.
"I thought you'd be in better spirits by now Raven—I understand that Hank found a cure for your cosmetic problem—what's gotten into you?" he asks her, quite perplexed.
"Oh, I've got the cure for my "cosmetic problem" alright, and I'll tell you exactly what's gotten into me..." she looks a challenge at him. Charles reads her mind and sees her passionate night spent with Erik.
"Raven! Bloody hell!"
"You know Charles, I thought it was going to be you and me against the world, but no matter how bad the shit gets you still want to be a part of it..." she says angrily, rises from her chair and storms off.
Even though the audience misses the money shot twice, Charles watches her go and gets an excellent view of Raven's naked blue scrumptious badonk, fully realizing the opportunity he's missed out on.
The next morning the team prepares to go out on their mission. They arrive at Hank's lab where they find a note on the door telling them to meet him at the airbase and bring the crate marked "X". They enter the room to see that it has been completely wrecked.
"What the hell happened here?" asks Erik. Charles looks back at him with a "Hell if I know" face and finds the crate. The Team joins him as he opens it up and they all peer inside.
"Hank has been busy..." remarks Erik as they all take in the view of their new uniforms.
"Do we really have to wear these? Front thigh zippers, for fuck's sake?" whines Alex.
"It's actually quite slimming—I wish there was one for me," says Moira sadly.
"Yes, well, Moira, if you had some other power besides getting on my last fucking nerve there might have been one for you. And since none of the rest of us have a natural mutation that allows us to withstand G-force or bullets I suggest that you shut the fuck up, Alex. Everybody—suit up..." Charles orders them sternly.
The team arrives at the airbase and stand beside each other at attention as they get a load of their new stealth jet. For once even Erik is impressed.
"Where's Hank?" asks Raven, all breathy and worried.
Erik shoots her an indignant look. "Did I not put the shit down last night? What's with this 'where's Hank' crap?"
"Yes Erik, you did, I heard on good authority. But he's her friend—and you are the one that put him in her friend zone—of course she's worried about him..." Charles tells him privately.
"Get the fuck out of my head, Charles."
"I'm just sayin'..."
"I'm here..." a hazy blue figure walks towards them and comes slowly into focus. The voice is Hank's but his new form is a sight to behold.
Charles just looks confused; Sean's jaw drops to the floor; Alex mouths "Call me later" and winks at him; Erik shoots his gaze back at Raven.
"Hank?" Charles greets him cautiously.
"The shit didn't work.." he says simply.
"Hank, you're beautiful—this is who you were meant to be—and you're blue, like me! No more hiding." Raven says excitedly.
Erik casts his jealousy aside and offers his friend a compliment. "Never looked better, man."
Hank shoots daggers at his cock-blocking rival and grabs him immediately by the throat and with one hand lifts his fine ass off the ground. "Don't mock me," he growls.
Down at the end of the line Charles stifles a chuckle then manages to comport himself properly. "Hank, put him down...Hank!"
Hank drops Erik unceremoniously to the ground. Now Sean tries to keep a straight face.
From the floor Erik looks up at Hank and gasps, "I wasn't."
"Even I gotta admit you look pretty bad-ass...I've even got a a new name for you, man—Beast," Alex smiles at him approvingly, then very knowingly.
Beast shoots Alex a funny look.
"Are you sure you can fly this thing?" Sean asks him then regarding the jet.
"What is this, National Take An Idiot To Work Day? Of course I can—I designed it," he answers him indignantly.
Cuba.
On the American war ship the Captain and crew watch the radar doggedly waiting for the Russian cargo ship to cross the embargo line; he orders the crew to man their battle stations. the Captain of the Russian war ship does the same, but his heart is not in it. He gets orders from the Kremlin not to start the war. He orders his communications officer to contact the cargo ship and instruct it to turn around. They can't get through. The Russians try desperately to get the vessel to turn around.
The X-Men enter the area in their stealth jet and the American Captain sees it, awe-struck. Charles zeroes in on the Russian cargo vessel and ascertains that Shaw has already been there and the crew are all dead. Moira makes herself useless spouting information we already know as the Russians realize that they've lost control of the cargo vessel, where Azazel is at the helm.
The American Captain hears the report of the Russian effort to retreat from the embargo line but doesn't believe it; he trains his missiles on the enemy cargo ship and prepares to fire. Before the Americans can fire Charles enters the mind of a Russian comrade and has him fire on the cargo ship. Azazel sees the incoming missile and teleports the hell out of there.
"What is this, Russian National Take An Idiot To Work Day?" remarks the American Captain as he and his crew break out into hysterical laughter and cheers.
"What the fuck?" asks Angel of Azazel as he teleports on board the Caspartina.
"The Russians—they fired on their own cargo ship."
On board their jet Beast is a bit peeved as he just narrowly misses a hit by the Russian missile. "Dude, give a motherfucker a heads-up, would ya? I can't read your mind..." he bitches at Charles.
"Sorry...you okay?" Charles asks Raven and the poor virgin sitting next to her, who clearly looks as if he needs a skivvy change. Sean, unable to answer, continues to hyperventilate. Raven, ever cool, whips out her nail kit and files down a broken nail. "I will be when I fix this...there!" she smiles at him.
The American Captain, still amused, pulls himself together. "Somebody get on the horn—I need a new set of orders!"
"Comrade, you just stopped a war—Siberia awaits. Take him to the brig," the Russian Captain orders. His guards to take the confused bastard away.
"The American military has just sold the rights of this fiasco to a major television studio—the sitcom is coming out and will be added to the current fall line-up...they're casting Kevin Bacon as you..." Azazel informs Shaw, greatly impressed.
"Cool, I like him...but that can only mean one thing..."
"What?" asks Angel.
"They're here—that telepath is powerful...time for Plan B," says Shaw as he dons his telepathy-proof helmet.
"That was inspired, Charles," Moira tells him from the controls.
"Not really, I pulled that one completely out of my ass. And I still can't locate Shaw..."
Erik is antsy. "He's got to be down there—we've got to find him—now."
"Anything unusual on the radar or scanners?" asks Hank.
"No," Moira tells him.
"Then he must be under water—and we don't have sonar..." Hank complains.
"Yes we do...and I could stand a cleansing dip right about now..." says Sean as he unbuckles himself from his seat.
"Yes, you could," agrees Charles as he fans at the air and accompanies him.
"They're ready for war and I'm going to give it to them—crank that shit up to one hundred percent, Azazel, and make sure I'm not disturbed," Shaw tells him.
"A little late for that, don't you think?"
Riptide snickers.
"What?"
"Nothing. Cranking up to one hundred percent output."
Shaw gives Azazel a reprimanding look then heads off for a date with his nuclear rods.
"Hank! Level the bloody plane!" Charles shouts at him.
"Beast! Open the bomb bay doors!" Sean calls out, which he does. Erik approaches him. "Hell to the no—you get the fuck back..." Sean warns him. Erik smiles.
"I'll be in your head, Sean...remember, it's a muscle..." he touches Sean's throat, "you control it..." Charles reminds him. Sean nods. "On my mark—three...two...one—go!"
Sean drops out gracefully, blasts himself up with a supersonic scream and ascends high into the air to come back down and dive properly into the water. Once underwater he sends out a sonic blast and locates Shaw's submarine. On Caspartina, Riptide gets an earful.
"We've got a fix, Erik—you ready for this?" Charles asks him.
"Let's find out..."
Shaw, too sexy for all the drama, is still strutting his way to Plan B. He finally gets there and begins his nuclear jerk off.
*EXTREME PHALLIC SYMBOL OVERLOAD ALERT*
Erik makes the landing gear happy as Hank lowers them down to scan the ocean for Shaw's submarine. Charles watches him from above. The crew of both the American and Soviet war ships look on in awe. Erik locks on to the sub but has a hard time getting it up.
"Remember, the point between rage and serenity..." Charles reminds him telepathically.
Erik focuses his shit accordingly and achieves success—he raises the Caspartina out of the water and sails it through the air right beside him and his glorious stealth fighter jet. On the Russian and American war ships erections abound.
Riptide exits the submarine, generates a major water spout and hurls it at Erik, as he tries to break his control over the sub. Erik manages to manipulate the sub long enough to crash it on the beach. Charles calls desperately to him and manages to help Erik back on board as Hank tries to maneuver the safest crash landing possible, which he just barely manages to accomplish.
Shaw, like a crappy cell phone battery, is still aboard the wrecked submarine not yet fully charged.
Charles and Erik have an interesting top/bottom moment that Charles makes a mental note of for use later and the team extricates themselves from the wreckage. He then has way too much dialogue to spout as he gives everyone their orders. "I read the teleporter's mind—Shaw is using the sub's power to set himself up as a nuke..."
"Yeah, the Geiger counter is off the chain! We don't have much time!" Moira confirms.
"Moira, get on the radio and tell both fleets to clear out immediately..."
They all look out of their windows and see Angel, Riptide and Azazel in front of the sub.
"I'm going in," says Erik."
"Beast, Havok—back him up," Charles orders them. "Erik, I can guide you in but you've got to shut down whatever the hell he's using that's blocking me and hope that it's not too late for me to stop him. Kick ass, dude."
"I'm on it!" Erik says and takes off.
"Raven? Where the hell do you think you're going?"
"That's my man out there..."
"There'll be plenty of time for that later—I need you to watch my back and cover that door, yes?"
"Oh, you get it like that, but never once could I get the same from you..."
"Raven there's no time for this...your back-covering dilemma is more than over now—on task, please."
"Fine," she pouts. "It's the principle of the thing..."
"Raven! Enough!"
Outside the battle begins...
Angel takes flight as Azazel assumes fighting stance. Riptide, given a rare chance to speak a line, produces tornadoes from his palms with all the sexy swagger he possess.
"Behold my soft Corinthian leather!" he flubs his line. Somewhere, Mr. Roarke rolls over in his grave. Angel and Azazel look at him disgustedly. Before he can hurl his tornadoes Alex blasts him right into the side of the sub. Azazel teleports over to Alex and Beast and proceeds to try and whoop some ass; he tries to teleport away from them but they hang on and all crash land on the American war ship.
Moira alerts the fleet on the radio...
Erik makes a run for the submarine and bitch slaps Riptide with a huge sheet of metal from the hull then runs in through the breach...
"Erik, head for the middle of the vessel—Shaw must be there..." Charles tells him.
Azazel, Beast and Havok are still duking it out...then Havok has a run in with the American soldiers...
Erik reaches the reactor. "That's the nuclear reactor—disable it." Shaw feels his power source drain away...
Angel comes in to spit her nasty fireballs on everybody—she blasts Havok's power-funneling thingy on his chest and destroys it. Banshee comes screaming in to deal with her ass wishing he had a flyswatter.
Back inside the sub...
"Erik you're there but you've reached a void—"
"He's not here!"
"He must be there!"
"There's no one here, Goddammit..."
"Erik!"
Just then Shaw reveals himself. "Erik—so good to see you again..."
Back outside Banshee and Angel duke it out in the air...
Back in the sub Shaw tries to appeal to Erik. "Why are you on their side, dude? Their shit is so over..." he tells Erik of the humans. Erik takes a swing at him but it has no effect.
"He's in the void—I can't reach him!" says Charles frantically to Moira back in their crashed jet.
Outside Banshee saves Havok but Angel blasts a hole in his wing. He manages to crash land them back on the beach.
"I'm sorry for what happened in the camps..." Shaw tells Erik apologetically. Shaw proceeds to kick his ass. Erik goes crashing into a wall and knocks a hole in it.
"He's back!" Charles says to Moira and jumps for joy. "Whatever you're doing, Erik, keep it up—It's starting to work!"
Erik gives an irritated look and vows that he's going to kick Charles' ass when the shit is over. Shaw manhandles Erik some more.
"Erik, I can see him but I can't touch his mind yet—keep up the good work..."
Outside Angel comes in for the kill as she approaches Havok and Banshee...Havok whomps her ass with a controlled beam of his power and sends her crashing to the ground, proving to himself that he don't need no stinkin' power-funneling thingy. A short distance away, lying sprawled upon the sand in a heap of his own, Sean laughs at her unconscious ass.
"You've come a long way from bending gates...and you still haven't reached your full potential, Erik." Shaw kicks his ass some more. "Let's do this together, Erik..."
Azazel and Beast teleport back to the beach where Azazel is about to take Beast out. Shaw stops him. But it's really Raven and the ruse allows Beast to knock Azazel out.
Back in the sub Shaw is still making his point painfully clear to Erik. "Who's your daddy?" he asks his battered would-be progeny finally.
"You are—you're my creator..." he gives Shaw his props and strokes his ego long enough to distract him and grab the helmet from his head. "Now, Charles!" Charles takes control of Shaw's mind. "Your're my creator, but I'm not your bitch." Erik puts on the helmet and blocks Charles out. "Sorry, Charles."
"Charles, are you okay?" asks Moira, quite alarmed.
"Shut up, Moira, I'm dealing with two of the most well-hung men on the planet right now—I've got to concentrate!" he yells at her.
"If you're in there I want you to know I agree with you about pretty much everything you said. But you killed my mother..."
"No, Erik...be the better man...Erik? Erik!"
"I'll tell you what we're going to do..." Erik tells Shaw coldly.
"Erik, no!"
"I'm going to count to three and then I'm going to move the coin." Erik begins a countdown as he flings the coin towards Shaw's brain. Charles braces himself then screams in agony as he feels Shaw's pain. The coin finally exits the other side of Shaw's head and he falls dead to the floor.
Elsewhere, the joint chiefs of staff meet and vote to kill all the mutants and Moira, too.
Erik floats out Shaw's dead body from the sub. It is apparent to all that he is in full control of all of his powers. "Take off your blinders, brothers and sisters—the real enemy is out there..." he points to the two fleets off shore. "They're going to kill us all—go ahead, Charles—tell me I'm wrong."
Charles sees that he's right; he looks to Moira and she hauls ass to the radio—the shit is dead and the beach is targeted for attack. Both fleets fire upon the beach.
Erik stops that shit and all the missiles swoon over him as they hover in the air, ready to do whatever he wants of them. Charles tries to appeal to Erik and picks the wrong time to utter the phrase "men just following orders". Erik sends the missiles back to the war ships and a fight between him and Charles ensues. Both fleets prepare to kiss their asses goodbye. Moira fires a gun on Erik who deflects every shot—one deflected bullet hits Charles and he goes down. With Erik distracted the missiles detonate harmlessly in mid-air and the fleets are saved. Erik cradles Charles in his arms and chokes Moira with her dog tags.
"You did this, bitch," Erik hisses at her.
"No, Erik, you did this," Charles grunts in pain.
"I want you by my side, Charles; all of us, protecting each other. Don't let them separate us. We both want the same thing..."
"No, my friend, I'm afraid we don't...you take that helmet off and I'll tell you exactly what I want," Charles cries. A kiss seems imminent and the two men struggle not to give in to their desire. Erik motions for Moira to come assist Charles then stands and addresses them all.
"Their society won't accept us—we form our own. The humans have played their hand and I don't dig the smell I'm stepping in. Who's with me?" He holds out his hand to Raven and utters the magic words. "No more hiding..."
She goes to Charles to say goodbye.
"You're in for quite a ride, love. In the future let's get back to canon and forget all of this 'brother sister'we grew up together' crap, yes?"
Raven wipes away a tear and nods in agreement.
"And watch out for Azazel, there..."
"Huh?" Raven follows Charles' gaze where they see Azazel perusing a copy of Marvel Comics Official Book Of Mutant Baby Names.
Riptide, Angel and Azazel join Erik as Raven leaves Charles' side to join them.
"And Beast?" Raven calls out to her good friend. He looks her way. "Always remember: Mutant and proud." Her team joins hands and Azazel teleports them all away.
"Yeah right," Beast mutters under his breath, "you don't shed."
The others see to Charles as we realize he is paralyzed.
The president declares the missile crises over and thanks everyone for tuning in.
At the School for Mutants Moira and Charles talk. Moira rolls him out for a walk and then parks him in front of the mansion in his wheelchair.
"So when do you think you'll get the school up and running, Charles?"
"When I find a crew of window cleaners willing to take on the job, for starters."
"How many students do you think you'll have?"
"As many as possible—what's with the game of twenty questions?"
"I don't know, just trying to take your mind off of all the pussy you must be missing out on," she answers him awkwardly.
"Is that why your dress is so long?"
"Yes."
"Don't you worry about me, love. I was in a movie once where all I had to work with was my face and two fingers—this shit right here? I got this shit."
Moira blushes.
"Give us a kiss..." he orders her, still capable of throwing down his sexy-motherfucker mack. Moira obliges him happily.
"You know, the CIA is going to be sorry they let you go."
"We're still G-Men—just without the "G"."
"No, you're something better—you're X-Men."
"I like the sound of that. You know Moira, for us our first line of defense is going to be anonymity," he begins delicately.
"Charles, I would never tell anyone where you are, no matter what they do to me."
"I know, love," he smiles at her and goes in for another kiss and then totally wipes her brain clean of everything important.
CIA Headquarters.
The Director attempts to debrief Moira, but she's got nothing.
"I remember the attack on HQ—then going somewhere else. Then I woke up in my bed this morning...my lips felt kind of tender and bruised and my jaw feels...I don't know, like, really tired..."
The men around the table all looked befuddled.
"He can do that? Just wipe your memory like that?"
"Sometimes I get fragments...a big purple bridesmaids dress..Megan seated on the face bowl, her guts spewing flames of liquid fire..."
"Goddammit, MacTaggert! Wrong movie! I swear, gentlemen, the CIA is no place for women..." the Director fumes.
Suddenly they all hear what sounds like an explosion.
"What the hell was that?"
In her detainment cell Emma Frost receives a visit. She shifts defensively into her diamond form.
"Glad to see that healed up," comes his deep sexy voice. "I know we've had our differences in the past, but I'm here to set you free..."
"Really? Where's your telepath friend?"
"Gone. I was hoping you'd be my new telepath friend—and join us..." he motions to the four others standing at the door. She smiles at the two she recognizes and looks a question at the two she does not. She does not even ask about Sebastian Shaw.
"Eric, I believe?"
"I prefer Magneto."
"I'm digging your new tricked-out helmet," Emma tells him admiringly.
"I'm diggin' his new tricked out everything," whispers Angel to Mystique before she catches herself.
"Me too," say Riptide as he fans himself.
Mystique says nothing as Azazel shoots her a knowing look before they all take leave.
