Chapter One… why you have no title?
"Da… Daga… Dagas, wake up."
"Ngh… No, bad He-Man… Shoes aren't food…"
It's not every day that someone would wake up to a psycho killer staring at them two inches away from their face. In my case, I would usually wake up to a mentally challenged freak bent on trying to kill me.
"Good morning," said the spiky haired man standing before me.
Waking up out of my daze, I looked up to see the fictional psycho killer, Beyond Birthday, holding his trusty pocket knife right above where my windpipe would be. Immediately feeling the power of three gallons of monster coursing through my veins, I hurled myself out of the grips of my sheets and proceeded to jam, my feet into B's abdomen, much like a crack addicted kangaroo. I stuck my landing and watched B hurl into the wall opposite of the one my queen sized bed was leaning against.
As he slammed into the wall, above the sound of crashing objects, I could hear the crack of B's neck as it crashed into the edge of my desk. There were a few moments where he just sat still on the ground before he even thought about making any sort of movement. Once he looked up, a small amount of his own blood dribbling out of the corner of his mouth, I looked him in the eye with a victorious grin while he grinned back in defeat.
"That's another win on Dagas' part. Seriously, you are really off your game this month, B," Kyoya Sempai said in the open doorway of my room as he jotted down my victory into his log-binder.
"Oh, can it, Kyoya. I know I've been off lately. I just can't seem to find the right target or right time, that's all… by the way, don't you have to start opening up your store soon?" B complained while brushing the wall debris and blood off his black shirt.
"I put Tamaki and Mori in charge of that today. Speaking of which; Dagas, we have a problem at Barns and Noble."
"Oh, come on! That's the third time this season!" I let out a sigh. "Just give me a minute. I'll be out soon, okay?" I groaned.
"Okay, but you might want to hurry. It's pretty bad this time," Kyoya warned.
"It's always "pretty bad", Kyoya! It always is!" B pointed out as he snapped his neck back into place.
Yeah, so this is my life in a nut-shell; being the manager of an outlet mall. Basically, I wake up every day to either A) someone who has a problem that only I can take care of or B) B trying to practice his killing strategies on me or some innocent victim. Sure, it's an insane lifestyle, but it's my life and I prefer to stick with it.
But, anyways, yes, I'm the owner of this outlet mall that we all call home. Though, it sure is a crazy home being that all my roommates are fictional characters from anime shows, books and video games. Each of them has been given their own store in the two story complex where the store that they are in charge of is on the first floor and the personal quarters are on the second. Owned by Leon and the part time employee, Cloud, is Barns and Noble, which was where I was headed. Normally, the store is one of the more manageable ones, but on special occasions, things like this would happen;
*SLAM* "What's going on here? What happened THIS time?" I shouted as I burst through the double doors of the book store. Upon bursting in, the first thing I saw was Leon and Cloud having it out in the middle of the store with their regular argument:
"I say we need more action and wartime books!" Leon demanded.
"Well I say we need more manga for the teens. We've been getting a lot more of them in here lately. Besides, all of your book choices are always too violent or inappropriate," Cloud retorted in his emo-like tone, his voice getting testier by the second.
"So? You only work here part-time! I'm the owner of this store and I say action and wartime!"
"Manga."
"Action!"
"Manga."
"Action!"
"Manga."
"Action!"
"Manga."
"Sora!" Sora jumped in with a beaming smile.
"You stay out of this, pipsqueak!" Leon ordered at the small video game character with the spiky brown hair, giant keyblade and oversized yellow clown shoes.
"Aw!"
"That's enough!" I intervened. "Leon! Listen to Cloud this time! We need a fresh stock of manga! Cloud! Get over to the weapons shop to help Zack set up! AND Sora! Get back into your own book! Seriously, we need to get to work people!"
"Well you're in a good mood this morning," Zack scoffed from the doorway, obviously while waiting for Cloud. "B woke you up this morning again?"
I gave Zack the nastiest glare I could muster up at 7 in the morning, twitched my right eye a little… and gave in. "Yes, he did. I am very testy right now, so I suggest that you tell me all your problems right now so I don't get really pissy later."
"Well, if you insist, there is something going on at the pet shop," he obliged.
"Damnit! Again? Oooo, I'll beat that dog with a belt!" I screamed, knowing exactly what happened.
I left the book store to storm across the empty parking lot to the pet shop. When I arrived, things weren't as bad as I had previously expected. My custodian, Finny, was bawling his eyes out on the dusty floor, Ciel was sulking against a shelf of hamster balls, knowing all of the damage done would cost him, Sebastian was sweeping up parakeet feathers off the floor and then there was Pluto. He sat on the floor (in human form, might I add. Shield your eyes!) trying to wag his non-existent tail with three parakeet feathers hanging out his mouth and five more stuck in his long, grey, shaggy hair.
When I looked over to the mutt to give him a nasty glare, I saw the wonder glowing in his crimson eyes. He knew exactly what he did, and he was pretty damn happy about it. This made me pissed to no end.
"YOU!" I snarled at the dog-man while angrily pointing a shaky finger at him like the evil monkey in the closet. "YOU did this!"
He barked twice before shaking the feathers out of his hair.
"Finny! What happened?" I demanded of him.
"WHAAAA! He ate my birdy!" he wailed out dramatically.
"He ATE it?"
"WHAAAAAAAAA!"
I began to painfully grit my teeth as I looked back to the dog.
"I am terribly sorry about the mess, Dagas. I'll have it cleaned up soon, but…" Sebastian apologized before leaning up to my ear to whisper, "if I might, may I suggest getting rid of THAT," he asked before gesturing towards Pluto who was now on the other side of the room, sniffing Ciel's hair as if it was his dessert. It seemed like the bird just wasn't enough.
"Don't worry about it! I called up some people and a grim reaper stationed in Ireland is willing to take him in about a month," I reassured him.
"A month?" he sighed. "Well, in that time period, could we at least send him to the miscellaneous store?"
"No, Sebastian! I know you hate dogs, but this is the pet store, and you own it; end of story. For now, Finny!" I drew my attention back to him.
"Hmmm?" he mumbled as he sniffled up his tears.
"We need to rally the troops. By the looks of it, this is gonna be another long day. Forward march!" I ordered with the mindset of a general.
"Okee-dokee," he said as he started to cheer up a bit. He sprung up from the floor and marched right out the door behind me. And so began another "average" day at Chicago's Most famous outlet mall.
"Ten-HUT! Listen up! We have a big event coming up today. We have some kids coming here for a major field trip. Because of that, you're all going to have to work twice as hard to make sure everything is ship shape!" I stated to my three custodians. "Do I make myself clear?"
"Heh, "ship shape"? Good luck with that," Bard whispered to Finny. Finny simply responded with an amused giggle.
"I SAID, do I make myself CLEAR?"
"Yessir!" the three replied in unison.
"Then get going! I want this place spotless! I'm going to go make sure the other employees are prepared for today. Now move out!"
"Right!" they all responded.
"Wait! I just remembered! What do we do about Office Max?" Bard pointed out.
"Oh! Right!" I remembered followed by a face-palm. "Harry and Fredward!"
"Um, isn't his name Cedric? Not Fredward?" Meirin asked.
"I call him Fredward! But in any case, we do have to do something about them."
"Hmm… I know! Why don't we shove them in a really big binder?" Finny suggested with a hand motion like he was closing a binder.
"That's a great idea, but we don't have a really big binder. If we did, I would totally do that," I admitted.
"Ah, we don't have a big binder, but we DO have a really big dog cage!" Meirin said with a smirk on her face that you would be lucky to see in your lifetime.
"That's perfect! Speaking of the bird eating beast, one of you go get that dog a pair of pants from Old Navy!"
"Got it!" Finny called before speeding off to Old Navy.
"Alright! Bard, you come with me. We have some wizards to catch!"
"I'll get the net and my flame thrower!"
"No flame thrower."
"Damnit!"
"Hey, Cedric. Do you have all the pencils restocked?" Harry yelled across the room. When there was no answer he called out, "Cedric? I asked you a question… Cedric?" He rounded the corner to enter the school supplies section and stopped in his tracks, eyes widened as he saw me and Bard at the other end of the isle. I was standing, arms crossed and a smirk on my face. Next to me was Bard who was aiming his bazooka gun right at Potter's face. At his feet was a very frightened Cedric in a net-cocoon that foretold the fate of the next victim.
"You're mine, Potter!" Bard shouted before pulling the trigger that sent a giant net flying towards Harry. He struggled to dodge it, but it was no use. The wild wizard was captured in his natural habitat.
"Nailed 'em!" Bard exclaimed with pride.
"Nice aiming! Now, to the cage!" I cried.
"The what?" Harry and Cedric both yelped in unison.
And with that, everything was set for the little slimy chidlers (yes, chidlers) to arrive. This was yet another reason why things around here are pretty hectic; we're like a tourist attraction. We host lunches for field trips, we've hosted a few parties, and we've even hosted a minor-scaled anime con before. All the time, we hear the anime fans say to the employees, "Wow! That cosplay is amazing! How'd you make it?" but we all know that it's not cosplay, it's the "real" deal. Of course, normal 10 year olds wouldn't know what anime is yet, but most would know about the famous Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory from The Goblet of Fire, so of course we have to lock them up or hide them and put someone else in charge of Office Max for the school field trips. The bazooka gun isn't always what we use to get them out of sight, but it's more entertaining to catch them off guard!
"Alright Kids! Single file line! I want you all on your best behavior."
"We're not kids," someone shouted out.
"So? What I'm trying to get across is that I don't want anything to go wrong like last time," I said to all of my employees. Remembering the "last time" we had a special group of people visit the mall, the people in front of me all let out a slight shudder with the thought of something like that happening again.
"Oh! Here they come! I can see the busses!" Honey cried out as he pointed at the yellow figures off in the distance. Even from the middle of the parking lot, I could hear the hungry children laughing and cheering like tiny banshees.
"Remember everyone; BEST behavior," I warned once more before the four busses pulled in. As we all stood in our neat, single file line, the hordes of screaming children began to emerge.
Once the teachers had calmed down the small beasts, we provided the entire group with our greeting that the Ouran students insisted we used. Bowing slightly (all in unison. I couldn't believe we even pulled that part off!) we all chimed in unison with warm smiles, "Welcome."
The teachers, baffled by our warm welcoming committee, began to clap and cheer with the small children once we were done. Once that had passed, the field trip officially began. I introduced the visitors, as always, to my co-workers, their store accompanying their names. As warm as we were, there were always the strange and horrified looks that the children gave to some of our more frightening employees. Honestly, I didn't blame them for being scared. Anyways, the entire time, I dreadfully feared something going wrong. For the most part, nothing happened… until SHE returned.
"Excuse me. Are you the manager?" one of the teachers called over to me.
"Uh, yeah. What happened?" I warily asked.
"Oh, goodness me! Nothing happened, miss! I was just coming over to commend you on your delightful outlet mall!"
"Say whaaaaaaaaat?" I asked with the voice of a large black woman. "Nothing's wrong?"
"Oh, not at all! I must say, your welcoming was just splendid! And your employees are so polite! The ones at the foreign restaurant greeted the children warmly and made the most delectable food. The one at the toy store seems so welcoming and willing to have fun with the kids."
"Oh, you have no idea," I whispered to myself. With the teacher still blabbering on, she didn't notice I had said a word.
"The people at the pet shop were delightful, oh! And the man on the unicycle seems to really put a smile on the children's faces!"
"Wait just a minute… who the hell got a unicycle?" I whispered a bit louder than last time. This got the teacher's attention.
"Pardon?"
"Nothing, just organizing in my head," I covered up.
"Daaaaaaagaaaaaaaassss!" Finny cried while running full speed towards me. He messed up his short stop and rammed into me before he could stop himself, sending his gardener's hat flying off his neck. When I looked up, said straw hat that usually clung to Finny's neck and dangled innocently down his back was now on the head of the over-polite woman I was just talking to. I began to cringe, thinking that the field trip was all over for the beastly 5ht graders. I began to dread what the woman would say (or scream) to me as she opened her mouth. What I heard wasn't a good scolding or screaming, but the sound of this woman's joyful laughter.
I let out a sigh of relief as the woman finished her laughing to say in a cheery tone, "Oh, young man, I believe you have misplaced your hat."
As she handed the hat back to Finny, his eyes cheerfully lit up with great joy and happiness. "Oh, thank you, Ma'am! Nice meeting you!"
I gaped as I watched him begin to walk away.
"Didn't he want to tell you something?" the woman asked.
Realizing his fault and my own, I yelled back to him, "Hey, Finny!"
"Yeeeeees?" he cooed back.
"Isn't there something you wanted to tell me?"
"Oh yeah!" he said before racing back towards me (and managing to make the short stop this time.) When he stopped, he looked up at me with a grave look in his eyes. "She's back," he said in a grave tone. The moment he said those horrible words, my mind became silent with dread. If she was back now, this whole field trip would turn into utter chaos.
"Finny…"
"Yes?"
"Round up the troops. We have a hobo to catch… and this time, THIS time, I won't be beaten!"
"Understood."
"Is that her?" Bard asked.
"Yeah, that's her. I'd recognize that leashed cat anywhere." Looking down the sidewalk, I saw the intruder. She strolled down the sidewalk while humming her usual tuneless song and walking her nameless, black, skinny cat.
"Is everyone in place?" I asked Bard.
"Yup, they're all armed and in place, just like you asked."
"Good," I replied as I glared at the hobo. As I watched her walk, I felt myself start to grin while waiting for my long awaited victory against Sunni the hobo and her trouble making cats.
"Here she comes!" Bard alerted me.
"Okay, ready for net launch in three… two… one…" but before I could finish my count down, the same thing that happened last time occurred once more.
"She's gone!" Bard yelled while gritting his teeth.
"Damnit! Not again!" I cried. It's not like she disintegrated into thin air. No, like always, she had teleported before we could fire. "Nooooooooooooooooo!" I wailed as I collapsed onto my knees. This was, of course, my crappy impersonation of Darth Vader, and it worked like a charm for a cry of defeat.
"Hey, what's up with them?" one of the kids asked while looking out the window of the toy store.
"Oh, just the usual. Hee, hee, hee!" the Undertaker croaked.
"Aw man," Tamaki groaned as he looked out the front window with a pair of puppy dog eyes.
"What's wrong? Did something happen?" Kyoya aksed.
"They didn't catch the hobo… again."
"Oh, not again." He sighed. "She teleported?"
"Yep."
"Ah, I see."
Would you care for an explanation? Then and explanation is what you shall have! You see, every once in a while, at any outlet mall for that matter, there's always going to be the annoying person that never leaves or the loiterer that just sits there and sulks. Being that this is an outlet mall of fictional proportions, we also have troublemakers of fictional proportions. We have the two loiterers, some dude who just sits against the walls drinking black coffee all day, and Rolo from Code Geass. Now as opposed to a regular loiterer, in Rolo's case, when you say "loiterer", he hears "litterer". So literally, he runs around the parking lot and the furniture store throwing shards of paper everywhere he goes.
Next we have the boy who never leaves the toy store; Near. He isn't as bad as Rolo, however, he still forces the Undertaker to restock the toys every time he swings by.
Then we have Pants and Shorts. They don't really do much besides being an annoyance. They wander around aimlessly while wearing their regular white t-shirts and their random nametags and clueless faces that you can't wipe off.
The worst of all of these people would have to be Sunni the teleporting hobo. She walks around and causes as much trouble as she can in one sitting. Every time she comes by, she mentally scars either me or one of my customers she comes in contact with. She strides around the outlet mall while walking one of her three cats, leash in hand. To add to that, every time we try to catch her, she teleports at the last second. Worst of all, as L had so kindly pointed out a long while ago, we can never get her on our security cameras, therefore, we can't file a police warrant for her.
Well, if I haven't said that this place was above average before, I'm saying it now; this place is WAY above average.
