Chapter Two
Twelve hours in Natasha brings him a plate of food - standard SHIELD cafeteria fare - which she leaves by his side without a word. He eats it, because Tasha will leave him alone as long as he takes care of himself but if he doesn't, she can and will drag him to Medical.
Usually when Clint needs a mental break he spends the time calculating trajectories in his head, but now every imaginary arrow has a SHIELD agent at the other end and Clint can't think of a single thing to say to their accusing faces. Instead, he curls in on himself, buried in the blanket, hugging the pillow to his chest, and thinks about Phil. Phil is Clint's rock, his safe place, his home - whether a warm body pressed against his at night; a confident, steady voice in his ear in the field; or a soft smile from the other side of the couch - Clint needs Phil. He can't, won't allow himself to even consider that what Fury and Tasha told him might be true, because if it is then Clint will come apart, there will be nothing left of him and he won't be able to function at all much less do his job. He won't be able to make Phil proud of him.
The next night Tasha comes back with two plates and they eat together in silence. She falls asleep with her head pillowed on Clint's thigh and Tasha's not Phil but her warm, solid presence by his side makes something clenched within him finally release and he sleeps without dreams that night. In the morning they come down together and Clint's ready to face the rest of the team, ready to do what needs to be done, because he knows Phil will be disappointed in him if he lets their relationship interfere with doing his duty. Phil's absence is a constant pressure in the back of his mind, but wherever Phil is he's not going anywhere and Clint doesn't need to push his luck with Fury any more than he already has. They only work because Fury knows they're both professional - that they'll get the job done and make the tough calls - and Clint won't be the one to prove him wrong.
The Avengers all pitch in and help with the clean-up effort. There are still a lot of people out there who hold them responsible for the massive destruction downtown and being seen active in the recovery effort does wonders in terms of popular opinion. Of course, Rogers would have insisted they help out even without the PR aspect and Clint is grateful for the work - he's creating rather than destroying and that's not something he gets to do often. Every hour he spends not shooting his allies means fewer people who look at him with wary eyes and he finds he's being forgiven faster than he expected, or even deserves.
Clint still sleeps in his nest but Banner has taken Stark up on his offer of lab space and moved into the tower. Thor took Loki back to Asgard that first day he spent in his nest and Clint's glad he didn't come down to watch because if he had no one would have been able to stop him from putting an arrow in the bastard's eye. Tasha - when she sleeps at all - sleeps wherever she feels like it which is sometimes in some unused room at SHIELD but more often on Tony's couch. Someone has to keep team Stark-Banner from accidentally destroying the world.
Stark gives Rogers two days to get with the program, then he just shows up at Steve's mostly empty apartment and alternately bullies and guilts him into relocating as well. The day they move Steve in Stark tells Clint he's got a room in the tower ready for whenever he decides he's tired of sleeping in ceilings, so the next day Clint shows up on Tony's doorstep with his bow and arrows and a single duffel bag.
Stark takes one look at his bow and says "I can do better," before disappearing into his workshop and leaving Clint to fend for himself. Luckily JARVIS is very helpful and once Clint gets over the strangeness of talking to a house he finds the AI's dry, sarcastic humour a source of great amusement, usually at Tony's expense.
Clint watches baseball with Rogers, spends hours with Tony working on new arrows and an improved bow design, and curls up on the couch with Tasha watching classic movies on Tony's wall-sized TV. He and Tasha are close, always have been, and they say more with silence than they ever could with words. Clint knows she's worried about him but they both know enough about grief not to interfere with each other's coping mechanisms.
Most unexpected is the friendship Clint forms with Bruce Banner. Bruce is the only one Clint really talks to because they don't know each other enough to say volumes without speaking the way he and Tasha do and of them all, Banner's the only one who knows intimately what it's like to have hurt and killed people you care for while unable to control yourself. He knows that hearing other people say 'it's not your fault' doesn't make it better.
"You have to let it go," Bruce says. "It happened, and nothing you can do can change that. You weren't in control and I won't tell you not to feel guilty because you always will but if you let the guilt take over - start messing with your head - then you'll make mistakes and those mistakes will have consequences that will be your fault." It's harsh but it's true and it does more for Clint's peace of mind than a dozen sincere platitudes.
Fury has the things from Phil's office packed up and sent to the Tower for Clint, minus anything sensitive, of course, and Clint accepts the box without comment and sticks it, unopened, in the corner of his closet. He does send Fury a message asking about funeral arrangements, because Clint will play along if that's what it takes. He gets a message back saying Phil's body was cremated - something about contamination concerns - and isn't that convenient.
So Clint settles into a routine and life with Avengers isn't always easy - Steve and Tony in particular have spectacular fights, and Bruce has a tendency to mope sullenly in his room, but these people accept Clint for who he is and it's very nearly perfect. There's only one thing - one person - missing. Clint's patient, he's a marksman and a sniper, he has to be, but it's about the time that Natasha gets sent over to Europe, two weeks after everything went down, that Clint decides Fury's had enough time to come clean with them. If Fury won't send Phil home, Clint decides, he'll just have to go find Phil himself.
