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Chapter 3 -

Fighting away the tears

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you
I'll wait here forever just to see you smile
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

Through it all, I made my mistakes
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

All the streets where I walked alone, with nowhere to go
I've come to an end

(Sum 41 – With Me)

"Mike?"

I saw his back, as his body remained hidden by the front of the fridge door.

"Hmph.. Isn't there anything decent to eat around here?" He grumbled.

I rubbed my sleep covered eyes and turned around to go back to my room and continue sleeping, ignoring the protest of hunger carried out by my stomach for once. I did not want to face Mike right now. Noise coming from outside had woke me up and I had come out to investigate, part of me scared. I was a little jumpy these days.

I went inside the room and sat on the bed. Sleep forgotten, I kept sitting on the edge and suddenly I couldn't stop the tears which just burst forth. I covered my face with my hands and cried out.

He was home and he hadn't even bothered asking me how I was. What kind of a husband was he? Huh, I knew very well what kind of a husband, the one who went missing several nights and came back unannounced. He did not tell me when he was leaving, and came back out of the blue, making me feel even more worthless then before. He didn't give me an explanation of where he was during his period of absence. I had never asked him either. He went away. I cried my eyes out afterwards. But I never asked. My ego just did not permit me to. Who am I kidding; I had no ego left, it had died long ago.

th reason I never asked him was because I was afraid of what he might say. A fight just terrified me. I was scared of hearing those words again which he had once occurred. Wasn't it enough that I already felt worthless, how much worse could a person feel. I just couldn't stand any further pain inflicted upon my heart, which his cold words did.

I curled up in a ball and feel asleep again.

I woke up some hours later. It was sometime after twelve. I got out of bed and went inside the bathroom. I gazed at myself in the mirror. My long brown hair was dull and tangled. My eyes swollen from crying and my face had a greyish tinge to it.

I washed my face and got out of my old, worn out pajamas and tried to wear the only clean pair of pants i had left, the only ones that fit and pulled over a huge shirt, pulling the gray cardigan over it. I brushed my hair, trying to make them lie flat and a little smooth. Then I applied a bit of lipstick and put on slight amount of eye liner and blush to get rid of the grey tinge.

I wanted to look decent for Mike now that he was home. I knew he would stay for a few days now that he was back. He always did after such a long span of absence. Even though all of those would be spent in front of the television, still it was imperative for me to look decent.

It wasn't that I was trying to make him stay. I just didn't want him to be disgusted me. I didn't want to see the pity in his eyes over my contemptible state; neither did I want to see the hatred which sometimes crept in. I did not know which was worse, the pity or the hatred. but i did not wish for either, hence I put up an effort.

I did not even deserve these brief visits of his. he stayed in the guest room and ignored me most of the time unless he had to complain over something. He rarely inquired after me, and did not bother talking. He did his work or watched television.

Sometimes, very rarely, he would come and sleep in the same bed as me. I relished those moments. He never touched me. He did not even look at me. He turned his back to me and slept on his side of the bed. I did not go near him. Yet those were the best nights for me. I stared at his back and his strong arms, imagining I was enclosed in them, as once I used to be.

Those were the nights that I slept peacefully, feeling if not completely, but slightly, as much I could in such a state, content. He would get up in the mornings without talking to me and continue his errands. I did not talk to him for fear of reprimand.

I knew his behavior was justified. After what I had done to him, how I had insulted him, make him a laughing stock, ignored his pleas and most importantly broken his heart, I had no right to be forgiven. I deserved the treatment which he gave me, heck I deserved worse after what I had done to him. Who was I to complain now, when all this had been my doing?

I sighed and watched the agony in my eyes in the mirror. I tried to smile a little but it was clearly forced and walked out.

Mike was sitting on the couch, the sports channel coming on the television, his eyes fixated on whatever game was coming on. I stepped inside the kitchen and stared to fix myself breakfast; I saw the dirty dishes in the sink and knew Mike had eaten. I got a glass of milk out for me and saw the pasta from last night was also finished, so I got out the last two eggs that were remaining and made myself an omelet.

Sitting on the kitchen counter I ate my breakfast, while looking at the back of Mike's head. It was somehow soothing. Even though I cried had cried before, because of which I had a slight headache now, the presence of Mike was oddly comforting. Even though he did not talk to me, or acknowledged my existence for that matter, which still made me feel small and unworthy, yet having him in the apartment was soothing.

After that I washed the dishes and wiped the counters. I went to sit on the other sofa, curling up in a ball, as I usually did; I tucked my feet under me. I wrapped my arms around my torso and stared rubbing my tummy.

Mike did not move his eyes from the screen. However, after some time, he finally asked platonically

"How's the baby?"

I tried to ignore the fact that he had not inquired after me, only about the baby. I let it slide because I was glad he had at least talked.

"The baby is fine, the Doctor said there was nothing to worry about."

"Doctor?"

"Oh.. umm.. I felt bad yesterday so I went to see the doctor." I answered, lying once again. I did not want to tell what had happened yesterday. He would have inquired why I did not call him, and I couldn't tell him what had lead to me going there. "He said it was just stress."

His saw the slight cresses which came over his face, but that was only momentary, until his face grew impassive again. Then he went back to ignoring me again.

I surreptitiously looked at him and longed to sit next to him. I wondered what would happen if I just went over and crawled in his lap. Tears started welling up in my eyes and tried to hold them back and make them go away. I knew how much Mike hated tears and I knew he would get frustrated and angry if he saw them, which I did not want.

I turned my head away and with glazed eyes gazed at the T.V.

Edward Cullen. I sighed sadly. One man. Just one lone man had turned my life upside down. He had made all the men important in my life, walk away from me. Left me like this, broken, empty and lifeless.


Ta-da! Edward is introduced. Want to find out what he did? Please review.