Kensi's mom was sitting by her bed the second time she woke up after labor. She was holding Prairie. "Wow, Kensi," she said.

"I know," Kensi said. "She looks like a raisin with arms and legs. And hair. Babies have hair? Babies have this much hair?"

"Yes," Julia said. "Some do. You didn't."

Kensi said, "I don't want to know." She tried not to make it sound harsh, but her mom just smiled at her. Kensi couldn't bear to hear about her father right then.

Julia handed her the baby. Kensi felt utterly overwhelmed. But Prairie's little mouth opened and shut and opened and when Kensi put her to her breast, the baby latched on immediately and started sucking. "I think I can do this part," Kensi said.

"That's very good," Julia said. "Not everyone can. I didn't," she said, laughing a little. "So you're doing great."

"I'm so glad you're here," Kensi said. "This is all a lot to take."

"I remember," Julia said.

Her mother didn't ask about the labor. Kensi had hated it. It wasn't as painful as getting hit by a car or being punched in the face repeatedly. She just wanted it to be over, she hated doing it all alone. She hated that Marty was dead and she still had to be alive.

Prairie was really good at sucking. "How long are you staying," Kensi said.

"A month," Julia said. "If you can take me that long."

"I can, oh my god, I can," Kensi said.

Tony came in later, with a pretty blue onesie with a truck on it. "See, it's like being undercover. For babies."

"Thank you," she said. "Sorry I yelled at you so much."

He waved his hand. "I'm used to it. Do you know how many times I get yelled at a day?"

"You mostly deserve it," she said.

Prairie grunted. Tony looked down at her smiling. "I think your baby disagrees."

"She was literally born yesterday, what does she know?" She hugged Tony and said, "Thank you by the way."

The next morning, she was once again feeding Prairie when she looked up and saw Sam. She was pretty sure she squealed.

He had a box for her. "Ro sent all this. It's for new moms, help for breastfeeding. She told me not to put pressure on you to breastfeed, but I see you're doing it."

"If I weren't, would you not give me the gifts?" She tried to peek in the box.

"I would, but I would say, you don't have to use this. And some of it, I did not even ask her what you use it for." He sat on the edge of the bed and touched Prairie's hand. "She's beautiful," he said.

"I agree," Kensi said. "I think she looks like a raisin, but she's the most beautiful raisin ever, you know?"

"Yes," he said. "I am also supposed to take many pictures for Nell and Hetty."

"Eric and Callen don't want to see my little girl?"

Sam smiled. "I think they're going to look at the ones I take." He reached for Prairie. "I think she's done."

"All yours," she said. "As long as you give her back."

"Promise," he said. He cradled the baby in his enormous looking arms. He started talking to the baby. "Now, little girl, I knew your dad. And he was a good man." He dropped his voice so Kensi couldn't hear. She fell asleep trying not to hear.

XXXX

The first five weeks of Prairie's life seemed like a blur of people coming over, Kensi's mom sleeping on her couch, changing diapers, breastfeeding, so much breastfeeding, everyone at NCIS had seen Kensi's breasts, and not sleeping. Abby had set up a schedule that she was apparently enforcing. McGee and Tony came over looking scared if they were even a few minutes late. Kensi usually told them to walk Monty or clean. It seemed like everywhere Kensi stepped there was a mess.

She was willing to admit it was because she tended to just leave things on the floor. She wasn't getting a lot of sleep, that was her excuse.

There was no slow build this time; Kensi overwhelmingly, over-the-top-ly loved her daughter. She did look like a raisin with arms, hands and hair at first. But she was basically the cutest, most adorable baby ever. Kensi's mom agreed completely, of course. Monty seemed to agree, too.

At six weeks, she felt like she'd reached a sort of balance. She was on a schedule. Prairie slept at least partway through the night nearly every night. Kensi thought about going for a run or exercising and sometimes even started to put on her sneakers before she went back to wherever Prairie was.

She woke up when her foot twitched and kicked Monty who whined and settled back at the end of the bed. He was watching Prairie breathe. She watched Prairie. Kensi whispered, "You are not even awake yet. I think you've been asleep at least six hours, cutie." The puff of air woke up Prairie. She looked around and blinked a few times and then opened her mouth to cry.

"Gotcha," Kensi said. She grabbed her gift pillow from Ro and then brought the baby to her breast. "See, all good." Prairie flailed her hands. "You have hands like your daddy, I think," she said.

Monty jumped up and tumbled over to the door. Kensi pulled her shirt up on the side the baby wasn't using. Gibbs came in the door. He said, "Good morning."

"Good morning," she said. "Gonna walk Monty?"

"He seems ready for it," Gibbs said, patting Monty on the head.

"It's a little scary how much he likes you."

"It's just that I'm not McGee," Gibbs said.

When he got back, she said, "Can you take her - I just want to shower and change."

"No problem," he said. The baby fell asleep the minute Gibbs sat down.

"She really doesn't look like a raisin anymore," Kensi said.

"She looks a little like you," Gibbs said.

"More like him. In a good way. Except that she still has his hair," she said, going into the bathroom. She started crying in the shower and couldn't stop for ten minutes. She sat on the floor and rubbed her eyes. Marty was dead and she was never going to get over it. She pushed herself up to standing and went into the bedroom. She picked out one of her nursing bras and put it on.

She heard his voice in her head. "Really? Does it have to be that ugly? Come on, Kens, who are you? You're allowed to be hot."

"You've never shopped for nursing bras," she said. She got dressed and went back to the living room. She took Prairie back and Gibbs headed out. She was all by herself for an hour. Soon it would be hours and hours at a time, even days. In her sleep, the baby clenched Kensi's finger. I have no idea who I am, she thought. Don't know what I'm doing, she thought. She used to take action and do things. Ever since Marty died, she'd been simply putting one foot in front of the other.

"This," she said, "is probably grief talking. Is that what you think?"

Prairie squeezed her finger and kept sleeping.