Disclaimer: SVU and all recognizable characters belong to Dick Wolf. I asked for them for Christmas but I must have been on the naughty list since Santa didn't leave them wrapped beneath my tree!
A/N: Many thanks to my betas for taking time out of their busy holiday schedules to edit this for me!
I know Christmas is already passed. But I didn't have time to get this out before Christmas. So since it's technically still the Christmas season, I hope you aren't too burned out on Christmas stories!
This is a collection of unrelated, stand alone, one and two shot Christmas fics. This first one is a two shot and I will post the second part very soon. "Part Of My Soul", as the title suggests was inspired by one line of a Tran-Siberian Orchestra song from their album "The Lost Christmas Eve". "Somewhere in the dark, beyond all the cold. There is a child that's part of my soul." From "Back To A Reason (Part II)"
An important fact to remember as you read this: Elliot and Olivia must be younger than we are used to them being in order for this storyline to work. In my mind, Olivia is 25 and Elliot is 27. There is no Kathy and therefore no Stabler children.
Leave me a review and let me know what you think!
Part Of My Soul ~ Part One
"Sweetheart?" Elliot asked in concern as he sat up in bed next to his new wife.
She didn't answer as she struggled to catch her breath, holding her arm across her chest, her eyes wide, roaming the dark room.
"Hey…" He leaned over and flipped on the bedside lamp before reaching out for her. He gently pulled her into his arms. "Shhh, breathe baby. Take a breath." He whispered soothingly. "It's ok, just a bad dream." He pulled her even closer to him. "Breathe, Liv. I'm right here; you're ok."
It didn't take too long, only a few moments, for Olivia to calm down enough to be able to breathe normally again. She leaned into Elliot, resting her head on his chest as he leaned back against the headboard of the bed.
He rubbed up and down her arms gently. "The nightmares are getting worse and coming more often." He spoke softly. "Please tell me what they're about."
"El…" her voice broke. "I… I can't…"
"You can trust me, darling."
"I know. It's just…"
"Just what?" he prodded gently.
She raised up and shook her head. "It's not important. I'm sorry. We're on our honeymoon, we're supposed to be enjoying this time and here I am screwing it up."
"Hey, look at me." He gently turned her face to look at him. "You, beloved, are not screwing anything up."
She slowly pulled away from him and slid across the bed toward the edge. "I should go sleep on the couch so I don't keep waking you up."
"No." He quickly reached out and caught her before she could get out of the bed. "I want you to wake me up; I don't want you to have to deal with the nightmares alone."
"I know how irritating it can be to be woke up several times a night."
He pulled her back across the bed and back into his arms. "It's not irritating, Sweetheart. I just want to be able to help you, to make them go away."
"Please…" Olivia whispered. "Please, just let me go sleep on the couch."
"Alright," Elliot answered. "But if you do, then I'm gonna sleep on the couch too."
"El…"
"We're newlyweds, Liv. I'm not about to sleep without my wife."
Tears pooled in her eyes and she tried desperately to blink them away.
He leaned in and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "It's ok," he whispered with his lips still pressed to her head. "Tell me what they're about. It might help."
She didn't respond as she bit her bottom lip, still fighting to hold the tears back.
"I want to help you, Love. But I can't if I don't know what's wrong."
Olivia sighed and wiped away the tears that escaped. "I…" she hesitated then changed her mind about what she was going to say. "Please don't hate me."
Elliot looked at her in shock, "I could never hate you, baby. Never. I love you with all that I have, all that is in me and all that I am."
"I'm just so afraid that you're gonna hate me."
"Never," he reiterated.
She sighed heavily and slowly pulled away from him, moving to sit Indian style on the bed. She spoke softly as she stared down at her hands that were clasped tightly together in her lap. "I have a daughter…"
He was surprised at her admission but he remained silent, knowing that she might close herself off from him again if he spoke too soon.
"I was young, barely 18, when she was born. She was the product of a rape… just like I was. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh?" She laughed bitterly.
Elliot reached over and took her hands into his own in a silent show of support. So many questions filled his mind as he squeezed her hands gently.
Surprisingly, she didn't pull away; instead she gripped his hands in return. "I…" She sighed again as fresh tears pooled in her eyes. "I gave her up for adoption," she said, answering one of his unasked, silent questions.
"I'm so sorry, Sweetheart," he whispered when she lapsed into silence. "Can I ask why?"
"I didn't want to," a sob escaped from her lips.
Elliot moved closer to his wife and wrapped her in his arms.
"I didn't want to," she repeated with another sob. "I wanted to keep her so bad. She might have been from a rape, but she was my baby. I loved her and I wanted her. But…" Her voice trailed off as she struggled to catch her breath.
"Oh, my Love," he soothed gently. "Take your time; take a breath."
It took her a couple of minutes to compose herself before she could continue. "I wanted to keep her. But I was barely 18. I couldn't support her on my own and give her all she needed and deserved. And there was no way I was gonna raise her around Serena." She wiped away fresh tears. "I was too afraid she would treat my baby the same way she treated me. I couldn't let that happen." Olivia sunk into her husband, burying her face in his shoulder as she could no longer hold back the body-wrenching sobs. "I'm so sorry, so sorry," she sobbed.
"Hey," Elliot spoke quietly, kindly and gently. "You did what was best for your child. You protected her; that's what a mother does. You denied what you wanted in order to make sure she was safe and well cared for."
"She's seven now, my baby's seven years old. And I haven't seen her since the day she was born." Olivia cried into his shoulder. "I want her, El. I've missed so much of her life. I miss her so much that my arms literally, physically ache from not being able to hold her."
He held her close and rocked her in a gentle, soothing motion. "Your nightmares have been about her?"
She nodded. "She's calling for me, crying. But I can't find her. I can hear her begging for me, but I can't see her anywhere."
"And that breaks your heart."
"Shatters my heart," she answered. "I'm a horrible mother."
"Not at all!" Elliot insisted.
"Yes, I am. I can't even hold my child and comfort her."
"Olivia." Without letting her go, he pulled back just enough to look her in the eyes. He spoke kindly but firmly. "You are not a horrible mother. You did what was best for your daughter instead of what you wanted to do. That is the mark of a true, caring and wonderful parent. You knew that she would be safer with someone who could care of her and make sure your other would never lay a hand on her."
She sighed and nodded as she wiped the tears from her face. "I just wish things had been different. I wanted her then and I still want her now." She leaned into him again, laying her head on his shoulder.
"Did you name her?" Elliot asked after a few moments of silence.
"Yeah. That was the one thing I asked of from whoever adopted her… I asked for them to not change her name. I couldn't give my baby much, but I could give her a first name. A name to reflect how much I love her."
"What did you name her?"
"Adora," Olivia smiled softly.
"That's beautiful." He answered with a smile of his own as a plan formed in his mind.
A/N 2: This was originally going to be a one shot but it lends itself better to a two shot.
Up next, Elliot's plan and the conclusion to this fic. Leave me a review, pretty please? Happy New Year, everyone!
