Hey guys! Hope your holidays were great. Sorry for the late update!
Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or any of the pop culture references. Oh, and I'm also not a palm reader, but the lines mentioned are actual palm reading facts.
Enjoy!
Chapter 3
Eli's gentle kiss had quickly escalated into a fiery make out; he pulled me over to the bed, less carefully than usual laying me down with a push on my shoulder. He began to nip at my neck, and I was trying to lose myself in Eli's eager kisses, but with NYU and Fitz clouding my mind, I found it difficult to enjoy them like I should.
I hesitantly grabbed on to his hair, giving him the slightest tug in hopes he would get the hint to pull away. He did, and I instantly regretted it. His dark eyebrows raised in concern, his emerald eyes searching mine. "Did I do something wrong? Did I- did I hurt you?" Eli asked, his voice cracking on the last one.
"No! No, Eli, you're fine; I've just had a lot to process today," I rushed, not wanting to hurt his feelings. "I'm not exactly reciprocating like I should." I blushed, looking away.
He responded by shifting his position so he was spooning up against me, wrapping a comforting arm around my waist, pulling me as close to him as possible. I loved him for these kinds of gestures. "What are you thinking about?"
"You," I whispered, feeling his grin against my curls. "Well, you and us and NYU." And Fitz, I thought to myself.
"Clare, I love you. There's no way to stop next year from coming, so the best thing to do is to take advantage of the time we have left." He intertwined his fingers in mine, raising our hands to his lips. "I mean, we have all summer! Nothing is going to ruin these last few months for us, I promise."
I let out a contented sigh and began to play with his fingers, trying to take in every detail about him. The smallest bit of callous on his knuckles and lower palm contrasted with the smoothness of the rest of his hand. His lines were deep, and I ran my finger across them. "You know, when Darcy and I were little, my Great Aunt Susan secretly gave us a palm reading kit. She knew my mom would take it away if she knew (you know Helen), so she put it inside a Lego box. Darcy and I loved that kit; we must have read each other's palms twenty times over, predicting our futures, finding out things about our personalities, judging each other's successes in love," I paused to give him a knowing look. "Years later, when we found it again when she was packing for Africa, she threw it right in the trash. We fought for way too long about throwing away that palmistry kit, and finally, Darcy just said, 'it's time to let go of the Legos, Clare,' and I watched it go into the 'DONATE' box." I chuckled at the bittersweet memory, and Eli joined in. "Now every time I think about her, I just think about that kit and how, by giving away that damn Lego box, we made a silent agreement to let go of each other. I barely talk or even think about her anymore! The last time I heard her voice was last Christmas for five minutes. It's like she's not even a part of my family anymore." I turned my body so that we were facing each other. "I don't want that to happen to us when you leave. Please don't be like Darcy. Even if we aren't together, which I hope we will be, I want to know you. I want to know about how your roommate is a clean freak. I want to hear you complain about your morning classes. I want to listen to you rant about the constant city noise outside your dorm. I really do. I don't even know what color Darcy's hair is anymore, let alone what she's doing. I couldn't handle a repeat of that...that abandonment," I choked. Eli and I never really talked about my absent older sister. I avoided the topic of Darcy like he avoided Julia; they had both left us when we weren't ready to let them go.
The look Eli gave me in return was so loving, I took it as a silent confirmation that he wouldn't be another Darcy. "Could you read my palm?" Eli asked, and I was taken aback that out of that whole anecdote, he wanted elaboration on that detail.
"Eli, I can't remember-"
"You can make up some complete bullshit if you want, I just want you to try," he urged, and I couldn't say no.
"Fine," I replied, motioning for him to hand me his left palm. "Left is your emotional side." I studied his hand for a brief moment as Eli watched me. "Well, your head line turns down, so you're a more creative than straightforward thinker, but I think we both knew that already. Your head line and life line connect at the beginning, so your mind rules over your body."
"What about love? Does it say we're perfect for each other? Because then I'd know it works," Eli flirted, getting dangerously close to my lips, but I pushed him away, rolling my eyes but not hiding my smile.
"Your heart line is long and curved upward, so you give all of yourself to love no matter the consequences." We exchanged a brief glance, recounting with our eyes the calamity that was our first breakup, but we didn't care to elaborate. "There are two breaks in your heart line, showing especially difficult losses or ends of relationships."
"So, when Julia died and when I crashed my hearse for you?" Eli asked, genuinely intrigued.
"Probably, but it's impossible to tell."
"Anything else?"
"Yeah, you're a great kisser," I replied, and Eli looked confused for a second but realized what I was trying to do.
"Am I now?" He said, eyebrow cocked.
"I don't know; I might just have to test my palm-reading abilities."
"I don't doubt them, Madame Edwards," he whispered, leaning in for a kiss. His mouth welcomed my tongue and quickly his hands started working their way along the hem of my Muse t-shirt, only slightly raising it.
"You know," Eli said in between kisses, "I'm a pretty talented breast reader." I pulled away, laughing as he wiggled his eyebrows.
"Smooth, Goldsworthy." I took the opportunity shift our position so that I was on top of him. I took off my t-shirt with more boldness than Eli had come to expect. We had done this before, and it had gotten easier and easier each time to show myself to him. We hadn't had sex yet, but every time we kissed after the night of Battle of the Bands in the back of the truck, I had to ask myself why we hadn't taken that step.
Having been too emotionally drained after the concert, I had forgotten to take off my bra for bed. "Sexy," Eli commented, running his hands over the black lacy cups I had worn when I took the racy photos of myself for the whole Asher deal. Recently, Eli had been initiating more physical contact; he usually let me decide what was comfortable or where he could touch me, but lately he had been trying to push the boundaries. At this point, we both knew we wanted the same thing, we were just waiting for the right time.
And now I was worried it would never come with Fitz being back.
At the thought of him, I immediately tensed up, feeling a pang of guilt for not telling Eli yet. He could sense my hesitation, and took his hands off of me like I was on fire. "I'm sorry, I just- I can't do this right now." I felt terribly for stopping just when things were starting to heat up, but I couldn't keep fooling around with him when I knew about Fitz and he didn't.
"Clare?" Eli asked, sitting up.
"Can I- could you hand me my shirt?" Eli looked hurt. "I just need to get something off my chest," I assured, and Eli's expression softened.
He slipped the t-shirt over my arms and took a ringlet of my hair between his fingers. "What is it, beautiful?"
I took a deep breath. "You know how I said I was going to the concert with Jake?" He nodded, urging me to go on. "Well, Jake wasn't the only one there." He visibly tensed up, and I swore I saw a too familiar flash of jealousy in his eyes, but I knew I just had to keep going.
"Jake bought the tickets from a guy at work, and that guy came along with us," I hesitated, and Eli knew me too well not to know there was a missing piece to this story. "The thing is…that guy was…it was Fitz," I finished, clenching my fists in hopes that he wouldn't overreact.
I snuck a glance at Eli, expecting the worst. Clearly, my announcement had taken him by surprise; I could nearly see the wind being knocked out of him. I scooted closer to him, taking his hand in mine and rubbing his leg. "Eli, please say something."
"…Fitz."
"Yeah."
His eyes widened, "he didn't try to hurt you, right? Right?"
"No! No. He just asked for a new start. He's even going by Mark now."
Eli wasn't taking this well. His hand was rapidly tapping against his kneecap and I took it in my own, attempting to calm him. "Clare, you have to promise me he didn't try anything on you. I- I couldn't stand it if he was still trying to take you from me. First that asshole Asher, now FITZ! Just- just…"
"Shh, Eli, I promise," I cooed, coaxing him back into a stiff laying position, running one hand through his soft raven hair and the other resting on his clenched fist.
After a few minutes of me whispering words of comfort to Eli and him taking deep breaths, he managed to calm back down. I breathed a sigh of relief. "Clare, you're amazing," he whispered, bringing his hand to my face and pulling me in for a brief kiss. "Thank you for telling me, for trusting me not to go crazy this time."
"Eli, I trust you more than you can even imagine, which is why I should also tell you…Fitz is coming back to Degrassi to graduate."
This time, he made no effort to hide his reaction. He shot up like a bullet, banging his fist against the mattress. Fear coursed through my body, but I realized this was Eli I was dealing with, and he would never hurt me. He would never forgive himself if he even laid a finger on me.
"God FUCKING DAMNIT! That BASTARD is coming BACK?!"
I placed a reassuring hand on his face, and his intensity dropped in the slightest. "Eli, it's only for a month. We avoid him at all costs, and just…think of it as a fresh start. He won't come near you, I'll make sure of it."
"No, you won't, Clare. Don't talk to him. He already ruined our lives once."
"What happened last time wasn't all Fitz's fault. We have to blame ourselves, too, Eli," I managed, trying to keep my tone even and soft.
Eli looked at me, his eyes red with the threat of tears. "I just can't lose you again, Clare. I can't."
"You're not going to," I said, realizing I had used the same phrase during our first relationship. At the time, I never thought I would lose him, but I still wasn't mature enough to fully commit. Now, the thought of losing him actually scared me. Then, I wanted him. Now, I needed him.
"Promise?" he pleaded, his expression enough to bring me to tears myself.
"I promise, forever and always."
He smiled, and I couldn't help but reciprocate even through my tears.
Fitz may have been one of the main causes of our breakup the first time around, but there was no way he would be involved in the second. Wordlessly, we climbed under the covers, him still in his jeans, and fell asleep holding hands.
It was such a simple gesture, but tonight, it meant everything.
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