Just a small letter to think about what if.


August 25, 1991 Dear Friend,

I am not infinite.

I am small and self contained.

A loving group of friends did not bring me back from the brink, and no teachers ever truly saw behind the wall of my own making. I am truly a wallflower. The so called perks to this life are bitter.

All around me I see people moving forward. I see people living their lives without the fear to walk out the front door.

People walk past me as though I am not there.

Bullying is not a problem.

Nobody can be bothered to look at me.

I am overshadowed by a more successful brother and sister. I am the child who was the after thought.

The thought that was really a bad idea.

When my parents do talk to me they do so with measured tones. As though I might break if their voices are too loud.

However they do not do anything else.

They too are swept away by their ever changing days. I am still.

Nothing changes about me.

Everyday is the same and I feel myself become more and more numb. The numbness is aided by the daily repetition of books that find their way into my hands.

I barely remember what I am reading, but it transfers me out of my life into someone else's for a few hours.

I read until I am on the brink of sleep every night to stave off the thoughts that come if I have nothing to do.

However these thoughts just get louder and louder until I can not drown them out any more.

My way of coping works for a couple of days but then the thoughts get loud again.

The cuts must be deeper and deeper each time to drown them out.

I worry about that next point.

However I console myself on the fact that the wind will blow away the ashes of my being without anyone really noticing.

Love always,

Charlie


I hope you liked it, if you did please review