Jen knew she had a limited window of opportunity in which to do things. Nothing about today was going to be easy. She looked at her bedside clock,11.15am. Time was against her, her clock instantly reminding her of that. She flashed it an evil glare, hoping that doing so would reveal a more agreeable hour. It was not the case. She had a plan; well she felt she had a plan. She couldn't bring herself to say it out loud though, afraid that voicing it would somehow set her up for failure. She couldn't fail. Failure was not an option. She had failed Tilly so many times in the past. One particular memory stood out in Jens mind. The polaroid. Ester had captured a moment between Jen and Tilly; they're gaze fixed on each other, as if breaking it would shatter the world around them. Their hands gently touching, completing the bond between them and letting their emotions travel from one soul to another. Even without the polaroid, Jen remembered the tender moment as if it had happened only moments ago. She remembered seeing Tilly's pupils dilate as she held her eyes with hers. In that moment Jen had never felt more exposed to Tilly. A smile was shared between them. As she reached for her hand, never letting theirs eyes part, she felt as if she was coming up for air, as if she'd been sleeping and Tilly's touch had awoken her. As the connection of skin to skin had been made, Jen shot back to just before the lesson started and remembered the closeness they had felt. Jen guiding Tilly's hand encompassing the paint brush, feeling Tilly lean back into her, her body fitting perfectly against Jen's. Jen could feel Tilly breathing; it shortened as she whispered into the redheads ear,

'Can you feel it?'

Both of them knew that Jen hadn't been talking about the art; the question had far more meaning than that. In that moment, all Jen wanted to do was kiss Tilly. Her beauty was breath taking, Jen could never get over the effect that seeing Tilly had on her. A glimpse of her at the other end of a corridor sent Jens mind into disarray, an involuntary smile appearing on her face at the exhilaration of spotting her. The flash of red hair, even if caught only for a mere second, stopped Jen mid sentence and would turn her into a fumbling mess, struggling to recover, desperately trying to gather herself in order to form coherent sounds.

She felt Tilly swiftly move around to face her, again their eyes meeting like they had so many times before, but never getting bored or too comfortable, always as if they were meeting for the first time. She breathed Tilly in, the aroma of her perfume hypnotizing, the aura of her soul surrounding Jen like a warm embrace. She could see Tilly's lips part ever so slightly, a sharp intake of breath from both as they felt the surge of adrenaline through their veins at the trepidation of the impending kiss. She leant forward, but the moment was broken as Tilly stumbled. Not wanting to lose the magic felt from the embrace, she had tried to rekindle it later in the art room, and that was what Ester had captured, unbeknown to Jen.

Everything from then on had spiralled out of control. Rumours had been started, making the halls of the college alive with childish whispering, judgemental looks and hurtful sniggers. Jen knew she had to put a stop to it, and not just the gossip. She had to end the relationship that had fuelled them. She blamed Tilly for the rumours, she had broken the rules. She was angry at her. Jen swallowed hard and mentally scolded herself as she recalled the hurtful things she had said to Tilly, calling her immature, ending things as if they meant nothing. It wasn't until the damage was done, that the polaroid was revealed and Jen had to swallow the hard pill of regret. Even still, she couldn't let the relationship continue; she was so worried about what would happen to her career if they were found out for real that she couldn't help but push Tilly away.

Again Jen felt herself snap back to reality as she her legs began to buckle beneath her. She was torturing herself with mental images, constant condemnation of the mistakes she'd made, reliving the very essence of Tilly, their relationship, the pain she had caused for both of them. It was making her weak, she couldn't cope. She felt herself want to lie down again, escape to the world she'd disappeared into earlier that morning. The rollercoaster of emotions was making her fill sick, her stomach felt like it had been used as a punch bag, she felt winded, tired, lonely. As she fell to the ground she almost succumbed and was just about to let her body lie lifeless on the floor and drift into unconsciousness, when she felt her mouth open, a small spark in her brain telling her to use her words…

'I can't keep doing this; I can't keep punishing myself if I want her back. I did a horrible thing, but that doesn't make me a horrible person. I…'

She cut herself off. Replaying back in her head what she had said. She wanted her back. It wasn't a question, but a resounding statement. Of course she wanted Tilly back, but she had said it, out loud. Her heart was beating so hard, she could feel the pulsation in her temples, the intensity in her ears. There had never been any doubt in her mind that she wanted Tilly back, from the moment the words had come out of her mouth to Keeler, she knew that she had extinguished the fire that represented hers and Tilly's relationship. She never expected Tilly to be expelled though, for things to have gone so drastically wrong. To be honest, she wasn't sure what she had expected to happen. Once again she had become so hung up on the consequences for her and her career that the repercussions of her actions had been an insignificant flicker in the back of her mind.

She sat quietly for a while. When did I become so selfish, so self-absorbed? She thought back a few weeks, to when she had kissed Tilly in the art room after working on the memorial project. Tilly had shrugged the whole project off, accusing it of being a box ticking exercise. Jen had pushed for her cooperation. She had pulled Tilly into a classroom that day, the mention of Maddie and the memory of the bus crash had clearly upset Tilly, Jen could see she was both furious and vulnerable. Not wanting to take advantage but show her support she had try to console Tilly, but to no avail. Tilly raised her voice.

'Where were you when I needed you?'

Jen recalled Tilly's voice breaking trying to get the words out, feeling her own heart break slightly at the sight of it. The statement rung around Jen's head, she wished that there was an escape to let it out, so it would stop reverberating around and around, causing a stab of pain every time it hurtled into the side of her head. A moment of realisation cut through Jen and exposed her wounded to the world. Where had she been? Tilly had lost 3 of her very best friends, an occurrence she would never have wished upon anyone let alone the woman she loved. She hadn't been there for Tilly, she wished she had of been. She wished more than anything she could have comforted her, consoled her, helped her to mend, get through such an unimaginable tragedy. And there she was, trying to make a mends, as if being there for her all those months later was enough. And Tilly let her back in. She let her defences down, she opened herself up for Jen to recapture her heart, hanging on every word Jen spoke.

Nausea swept over Jen. She had stopped herself being available to Tilly when she needed her most, but Tilly had forgiven her. Only for Jen to then take it all away again within a matter of seconds.

If she wanted Tilly back, which she did, she had never been more sure of anything in her life, she needed to prove to her that she was in, that she would be there, no matter what, that she wasn't going to run at the first sight of danger, bolt when things got difficult. She needed Tilly to know that she was eternally sorry for all the pain, all the heartache, she never meant to hurt her. Although not spontaneous, Jen was often impulsive, haphazard, acting without consideration or reasoning. It was definitely a flaw. No one could deny that, especially now, after all she had been through with Tilly. She knew it wasn't an excuse for her behaviour, for the hurtful things she had said, but she had identified it as a problem, hoping that something good could come from this.

This wasn't going to be easy. But she had to see Tilly.