Jen tried to calm herself. Her breathing was erratic and shallow. The idea had come to her so quickly yet it felt like she'd been searching for it all her life. It was overwhelming. It was a whisper of hope and she clung to it for dear life before it could be ripped from her grasp, disappearing forever.
To anyone else, getting someone to accompany you to the beach wouldn't be any great task. To most, the beach was an exciting day out, a chance to regress, guilt free back to childhood, enjoying the freedom. But for Jen it was more than that. At no two points during the day did the beach ever look the same. She loved the challenge of creating art at the beach. She was almost never satisfied with the end product, but it spurred her on to capture the essence and beauty of the landscape when she returned. Her favourite time of year to venture to the beach was during the winter months. Gone were the bright, gleaming enticing waters offering a rest bite from the burning furnace that encompassed the sands. Instead remained a dark, almost black, unfamiliar liquid. It didn't appeal to you in the same way the summer sea did, it was sultry and deceiving, however you were drawn to it, as it laid a trail of sea shells along the shore for you to follow, enticing you in like Hansel and Gretel to their impending doom. One minute the black water would be lapping against the edge of the sand, completely innocent, appearing to pose no threat. But you could still feel a sinister presence. The next minute it would roar ferociously, bitter, foaming like a rabid dog, angry that it couldn't capture you, dragging you in to its icy embrace. The wind would rescue you from the danger of the hypnotising sea waters though, breathing life into you, clearing out the tired, old air in your lungs and replacing it with fresh, crisp air. Like a shot of adrenaline to restart a heart, you felt invigorated, alive, infinite.
Jen stood up, her room felt stuffy, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't think. She shakily walked over to her window and opened it. The cool air rushed in, like a fire-fighter racing into a burning building, fearlessly ready to rescue the victims inside. Jen could feel the stagnant, stale air leave the room, replacing it was a cool breeze, not unlike the one you would feel at the beach, only it lacked the salty aroma. Closing her eyes, she breathed in deeply, letting the fresh, clean oxygen circulate her body and quickly arrive at her brain. She opened her eyes and walked straight over to her bed. By the side of it lay her work satchel. The affirming fresh air had swept the cobwebs from her mind letting her think clearly for the first time in what felt like years. Her phone was in her bag, it had always been there. And had she thought with a clear head sooner she would have realised that it had never left there since she arrived home from work the previous evening.
As she unlocked her phone she felt apprehensive at the prospect of a message from Tilly. She half expected a barrage of abusive messages, cursing her for her actions, for her expulsion, blaming her for all that was wrong with their relationship, infuriated pleas for her to not contact her ever again. But there were no messages. There was a missed call. Again she thought that maybe Tilly had called, leaving an angry voicemail, her volatile words ready to slash at Jen leaving her more wounded and broken than she felt already . Jen prepared herself for it, accepting the attack from Tilly knowing that she deserved it. But as Jen opened her call list she felt disappointed. The call had been from Diane. She noted the time of the call, 12.47pm; less than 15minutes ago. As she stood taking in the lack of contact from Tilly, letting her mind process it, she felt a sudden sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. Diane!
'Oh my god!'
Again her head spun, and she staggered back to the open window, keen to let the fresh air unravel the knot of thoughts threatening to clog her mind. She felt herself begin to calm again as the breeze worked its magic. She knew that Diane would have found out about Keeler; that was inevitable, the staff would have been informed immediately. But would she be aware of Tilly's expulsion? Jen had to prepare herself for the worst, but hope for the best. She would have to call Diane back; even if Diane wasn't aware of yesterday's event, her call was to probably check on how Jen was feeling. Ignoring it would only cause concern for Diane irregardless of what she knew.
Jen hovered over Diane's name, plucking up the courage to return her call. She pressed call and held the phone to her ear. She took a deep breath hoping that not only did the fresh air entering the room clear the mind, but offer courage and confidence as well. The phone rang for what felt like an age, the longer it rang the more Jen's heart raced. Then a voice answered at the other end.
'Hiya love, how are you feeling?'
This was a good start Jen thought, Diane's tone wasn't angry or agitated, she sounded caring and calm.
'Jen? Are you there love?'
Jen, realising her thoughts had presented Diane with a long pause after her initial question, composed herself and answered.
'Oh I'm ok, still not feeling 100%. Definitely coming down with something.'
She didn't know what to say, she didn't want to go on in case Diane knew everything and accused her of lying.
'Well you really don't sound your usual self Jen. I just wanted to check in with you. Don't want you keeling over on me. Where would I hide the body?'
Jen felt herself begin to smile at Diane's attempt at humour.
'You really picked a day to have off though. Keeler's been fired! Can't quite believe it. Suppose the governors had to find a scapegoat for the whole Esther situation.'
Diane paused; Jen felt the apprehension rise within her, making her legs feel like they could crumble beneath her. Then she realised that if Diane didn't known about Tilly, she also wouldn't know that Jen knew of Keeler's dismissal. She opted to play dumb.
'Oh my god,' she replied. 'That's awful. Must be manic over there.' She stopped herself going further, waiting instead to see how Diane would respond.
'It is. No one is really sure what's going on. The governors have sent all staff an email outlining the situation. But they didn't really go into it the juicy details. So disappointing, you know how I love a good bit of gossip eh?'
Jen started to relax; it seemed that Diane was unaware of the Tilly situation.
'I know you do,' was all Jen could manage to respond with.
'Well love you get some rest, do you need anything?' Diane asked. Jen hearing the concern in her voice felt the ache of guilt thud in her chest. She knew that she was in the clear for now, but the longer this went on the greater the fall would be.
'I'm fine thanks Diane. Think I may just try and get some fresh air, see if that helps.' Jen needed an excuse as to why she might not be home when Diane returned from work. The day was running out and she needed to try and get hold of Tilly.
'Right well don't wear yourself out Jen. You've been working so hard lately; I was worried you might burn yourself out. Look, I better go love, call me if you need anything and I'll see you later.'
'Yes mum!' Jen joked trying to make light of the situation, knowing that her recent dedication to her work had been so she could spend more time with Tilly, working after college hours to help her with her art coursework.
'Oi I'll have less of that please. You're making me feel old! See you later love.'
'Yeh bye Diane.'
The call ended. Jen wasn't sure if she felt relieved. She just had to take the situation as it was, Diane hadn't suspected anything, there was no hidden agenda to her call other than to see how Jen was feeling. She couldn't let this get in the way of her next step. One more deep breath in, she let herself feel grounded again, her feet securing her safely to the floor like roots of a tree trying to support the weight above them. She returned her attention to her phone. She scrolled through the call list until she found Tilly's name. She was on autopilot; she had done this a million times before. Over the summer they had talked on the phone almost every night. With it being almost impossible to spend the evenings together, it was the only way for them to feel closer to each other, to connect without actually being physically in each other's presence. Jen briefly broke from her automatic movements contemplating whether to work out a speech, but she decided against it. She was unsure of how Tilly would react to her call, if she would even answer at all, a planned speech would only stump her if it didn't go as she planned.
Without any more hesitation, she pressed call. The phone rang.
