Jens heart was in her mouth. She didn't realise, but she was holding her breath, the anticipation at the possibility of hearing Tilly's voice proving to be too much to handle. She heard the phone ring twice before the line went silent and Tilly's voicemail clicked in.

'Tilly's phone. Leave one.'

Jen collapsed, silent tears streaming down her face, as if Tilly's voice spread over her like molten lava, melting her instantly. It took a few moments for Jen to come round, realising what had happened. She wiped away the traces of tears on her face, stopping them from masking her thoughts. Tilly's phone was on, she hadn't ignored the phone call, yes she hadn't answered either, but she had cancelled the call sending it to voicemail. She had seen Jen calling. Jen shuffled back and leant herself against her bed. She settled herself, letting her breathing return to normal. The shock of having held her breath unintentionally during the phone call caused her to heave for oxygen. She tried the call again.

'Tilly's phone. Leave one.'

This time the phone rang 3 times before the voicemail clicked in. She hung up. She wanted to speak directly to Tilly, she didn't want anything to get lost in translation by leaving a message. She tried again. Ring, ring, ring.

'Tilly's phone. Leave one.'

Again Jen hung up. She paused for a moment. Replaying the recorded message over and over in her head. It was addictive, Tilly sounded upbeat and happy, something Jen had missed desperately. She tried 4 more times, each call reaching the same conclusion as the first. She was unsure of what to do. Each time, her heart pleaded for Tilly to answer, her head frantically begging for the redhead to hear her hearts pleas. But the more she called, the more the begging in her head began to retreat, leaving room for doubt to invade the empty space. Was she fighting a losing battle? Jen knew nothing about this was going to be easy, far from it. She fought the mental attack of doubts, not letting them defeat her. This was Tilly. She was the single most important thing in her life. For months Jen had put her career first, and she had never let Tilly forget it. Boundary number one. This line encompassed them the tightest. The walls so high, so domineering, nothing able to penetrate its defences, and equally nothing being able to escape. Jen was unsure of the solution to this problem. She only knew that she didn't want to make the decision alone. She had been making decisions for the both of them from the moment they met, deciding their relationship should be a secret, deciding to end it more than once in order to protect herself, deciding to go to the principle and report Tilly for harassment. At no point during their relationship had Jen given them the chance to talk things through, compromise on a decision that would please the both of them. Boundary number two. Jen felt ashamed as she admitted her failures. Not only had she let Tilly down but she had let herself down. The cloak of shame wrapped itself tightly around Jen, exposing her foolishness to the world, openly humiliating her to anyone who cared to look. No wonder Tilly didn't want to answer her calls. Again she felt doubt forcing its way to the front of her mind.

'Give me a break will you?'

The sound of her own voice made her jump. She had been mentally exhausting herself, fighting tooth and nail in a silent battle in her head for so long; she felt an instant release as the words left her mouth. The doubts that were strengthening its army, sharpening its weapons, applying war paint, began to surrender immediately as the involuntary burst escaped. Rejoicing in the relief it brought, she let her voice take control again.

'I can do this. I can do this!'

She surprised herself at the determination in her words. The adrenaline finally making its way through her veins again, giving her a second wind. She made a decision to call Tilly 5 more times. If upon the 5th call, she failed to answer and it went to voicemail, Jen would leave a message.

She called once. Nothing. Again. Nothing. Again. Still nothing. On the fourth call she noticed that her phone rang 6 times before going to voicemail. A flutter of hope ignited the fire beneath the pit of dwindling determination within her. Maybe she was starting to get through to Tilly. She called again. Again the phone rang 6 times before silence, and the click of the voicemail message. She was at a crossroads. She only had seconds to make a decision of whether to leave a message or hang up and keep trying. But she had already made the decision to leave a message; she needed to stick to it. Her mind working overdrive, she was brought back to reality as she heard a beep down the phone, a signal for her to leave a verbal message. No amount of pleading in her heart, or begging from her head would help her now. She needed to use words, words that meant something, words that would hopefully penetrate the barriers she knew Tilly would have raised in order to keep her at bay, as far away from her heart as possible. It was now or never.

She went to speak, but nothing came out. The silence was painful. The confidence from her brief release only moments ago had disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. Seconds were rushing past her like cars on the motorway, knocking the wind from her lungs as if she stood there invisible to the oncoming traffic. She felt caught in the headlights, dazzled, stunned, unable to avert her attention from the blinding lights. But she fought it; she looked up, her eyes desperately seeking out the sketch of the Gormley statue on her wall, her lungs remembering the fresh air provided by the open window. She breathed. Just breathe, she thought to herself. She let her lips part slightly. She was ready.

'Tilly, it's me. I'm not going to say sorry…' A noise from down the line caused Jen to pause for a split second, quickly she continued, 'because I know it isn't enough.' But it was too late, the noise had signalled the end of her allotted time, the later part of her sentence not making it onto the recording.

'No!' Jen cried. 'No!' She felt her heart physically shatter in her chest, the shrapnel slicing through her veins, severing her arteries. The pain was too much. Jen gripped at her chest, trying to rip the pain from her weakening body, at the same time trying the fathom what had just happened. She looked down at her phone, she couldn't believe it. She gaged at the thought of Tilly only hearing the first half of her message. This can't be happening. She was going to be sick. She frantically grabbed at the bed behind her, using all the strength she had left to pull herself to her feet. She needed air. She scrambled towards the window, the pain disguising itself as pure alcohol, forcing her to stumble drunk to the window, one hand still gripping her chest, the other clinging to her phone. Just breathe. She didn't know where the voice came from, she was sure that it hadn't come from her head this time; she definitely didn't have the composure to have said it out loud. Wherever it came from though, she was glad to hear it. She loosened the grip on her chest and steadied herself on the windowsill. She sucked the life-saving fresh air into her lungs. Coming too slightly, she felt the phone in her other hand. She looked down at it. She needed to call Tilly back, she needed to fix this. She scrolled through the list and dialled again, shakily bringing the phone to her ear. There was no ringing. Silence. Then the phone chimed three times. An automated message followed.

'The mobile number you are calling is no longer in service. Please hang up. Please hang up. Please hang up.'

Jen couldn't hang up. She couldn't comprehend what was happening. It was just one thing after another. She just let her phone drop to the floor.