Jen finished the entry. She was exhausted. It hadn't been as easy as she'd hoped despite the unrelenting torrent of emotions from the past 36 hours supplying her with enough material to write a novel. Usually words would flow freely, her pen struggling to keep up with the pace at which her brain dictated. At one point she felt ready to give up, her brain and heart both now knowing the intended destination of the journal were apprehensive to let go of their secrets, worried releasing them would weaken their defences. Their reluctance to relinquish their intimacies felt much like trying to break into a bank vault with a fork; ineffectual and pointless. She rubbed her temples, trying to ease the tension writing the entry had created. But it was done. She naïvely hoped that yielding her feelings to her journal would provide her with some sort of relief, but it hadn't.
Jen looked across at her clock, 5:59am, the glance almost identical to that of the one from yesterday morning causing a flashback threatening with force to weaken her defences yet again. She was getting frustrated with the constant onslaught of terrorisations; she was trying so hard to hold herself together, to create a united front in the face of complete collapse, but she wasn't sure how much more her body could withstand. Throughout her relationship with Tilly, doubt reigned powerfully and always won the battle, stripping her unashamedly of her love and courage time and time again. The power doubt held over her forcing her to make decisions she didn't want to, say things she didn't mean, make rash decisions without any perception of the consequences. Jen physically shook herself, hoping the frantic movement would unbalance the attack of doubt, or at least stun it into submission for a little while longer.
Jen sat still for a while. She had to figure out a plan for the day ahead, but the continued ache in her temples was starting to infiltrate her thoughts, proving to be an unwelcome distraction. She concluded reluctantly that she needed to rest. The prospect of sleep unnerved her slightly though. She didn't want to fall into a slumber laden with nightmarish fantasies, scenarios of Tilly being torn from her grasp played on repeat. Nor did she want a rest void of any dreaming at all. Although waking from an untroubled sleep earlier in the evening had felt rejuvenating at the time, Jen hoped it wasn't a sign of things to come. A lifetime of sleep where her mind starved her of dreams of Tilly was inconceivable. She reached for her clock and set the alarm for 10:00am. As she let her body relax back in her bed, a brief thought of Tilly aided the escape of a flurry of tears before sleep pulled her into repose.
By 12:30 Jen was ready to face the world. Diane had briefly woken her before she left for work, ensuring her that College would still be there in a few days' time and that she should rest up. Jen didn't argue. The thought of having to concentrate on anything other than Tilly at this moment in time seemed impossible. She didn't even feel guilty for admitting this to herself, yes she had trained hard for her career, it had been her main focus for the past 5 years, but her job didn't fill all the voids in her life. Something she hadn't realised until recently when the greatest portion of her life had disappeared. Tilly. Whilst getting ready, she decided that she would take the journal to Tilly's house. It was really the only option she could think of for getting it into her possession. She decided to write a note to accompany the book. She didn't want to patronise Tilly, thinking that her surrendering her journal was a solution to all their problems, a quick fix. But she felt a few extra words were needed to accompany the journal.
Tilly,
This isn't a solution, it isn't me asking for your forgiveness. It's just me. Things I should have said, and I wish more than anything I had.
I would give anything to start again and right all of my wrongs, the sum of which have gotten us to where we are today, this awful place where not only have I lost myself, but the most important part of my life. You.
I can't give up on us Tilly, I never thought love like this was possible, but it found me and inhabited my soul. Now that it has gone, the part of me that remains is a mere ruin.
I'm going back to the beginning; I hope one day that you'll join me there. I will wait as long as it takes.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Forever yours
Jen x
She wondered whether Tilly would realise the hidden meaning within the note. She hoped that it would be clear, but only time would tell. She folded it and put it along with the journal into an envelope, sealing her fate ready to put into Tilly's hands. She grabbed her bag and left the house.
It was cool outside, the temperature and freshness in the air being a welcome relief from the stuffy room she had been confined to for the past 2 days. Jen walked towards the village. Her feet were reluctant to carry her to begin with; a message relayed from her brain warned them that uncertainty lie ahead. But her brain was soon distracted by the beauty of the day. The last moments of the winter suns light striking trees and buildings creating gloomy, elongated shadows, before the spring sun makes a bid for a higher spot in the sky, creating shadows of a less intimidating nature. As she reached the village, she felt the aroma from College Coffee draw her in, it's invitation impossible to resist. Caffeine being a particular vice she could not and would not quit.
Jen walked through the entrance only for her heart to grind to a crashing halt simultaneously with her feet, both fear and love paralysing her instantly. She noticed her immediately, sat at the back, her head down, headphones hugging her ears keeping any outside noise at bay, her eyes focused intently on the book that rested open on the counter in front of her, one hand steadying the pages, the other wrapped delicately around a mug. Jen couldn't avert her eyes, the sight of the redhead capturing her within its magnetic force field, the attraction undeniable, her being the south to Jen's north. Jen's heart, with instructions from her brain, leapt back to life, forcing its way back to its rightful home at the front of her chest, its rhythm stronger and louder than ever before. Tilly looked so beautiful, Jen wanted to walk straight up to her, taker her head in her hands, look deeply into her breathtakingly perfect eyes and declare her love for her for the world to hear. She wanted to kiss her, the passion uncontrollably passing between their lips, the failures and heartbreak and emotional turmoil fading into an unrecognisable form in the distance. A couple entering the coffee shop and brushing past Jen interrupted her field of vision. She stumbled forward slightly, hoping that the paralysis that detained her was temporary as she was bound to draw the redhead's attention if she went hurtling to the ground. She caught her balance, and immediately rushed towards the stairs on the other side of the coffee shop. She contemplated turning around and exiting swiftly as if she'd never been there, but she couldn't bring herself to leave Tilly's presence, even if she was unaware of Jen's existence in the room.
Jen sat on a stool by the stairs. She could just see Tilly with her back to her through the railings; thankfully she was still engrossed in her book, oblivious to the world around her. Jen's stare was again held by the invisible force of the redhead. She wondered whether she might just go up to Tilly and hand her the envelope, but she knew that her presence wouldn't be welcomed, it may even cause a scene, which in turn would probably result in Tilly's refusal of Jen's offering. Failure wasn't an option she reminded herself. She sat, contemplating her next move. Maybe she could leave unnoticed and take the journal to Tilly's as planned. Just as she was conjuring up another idea she saw Tilly stir. Jen adjusted her position, trying to use the stairs to conceal her location. She tried to busy her eyes, worried that her intent stare would be felt by Tilly. She brought her bag to the table and pretended to sift through it discreetly, trying not to attract any attention. Out of the corner of her eye she watched as Tilly made her way to the counter at the front of the shop. Now was her chance, she presumed Tilly was ordering another coffee, her attention held by the barista behind the bar, Jen could leave the shop. Just as she got up to move, she heard Tilly's voice, stopping her in her tracks again. Her soft, inoffensive voice was like a song to Jen's ears, oh how she had missed that sound. Hypnotised again by the redhead Jen felt unable to move, but she knew as soon as Tilly turned to return to her seat, she would spot Jen. She didn't want them to meet like this; it wasn't the right time or place. Jen wanted their next meeting to be perfect. She knew where it was supposed to happen, and she clung to the hope that it would one day become a reality.
She forced herself to walk towards the exit. As she made her way out from the concealment of the stairs, she glanced briefly in Tilly's direction noticing that her attention was caught by the guy serving her. Jen glanced to where Tilly had been sitting. Her empty coffee mug, book and headphones protected the temporarily unoccupied chair from intruders. Before Jen realised what she was doing, her hand reached inside her bag and removed the enveloped. She rushed towards the vacated seat. Just before she reached her destination, she stumbled into a chair sticking out from its rightful place tucked under the table. The loud screech of the legs of the tiled floor was like switching a spotlight directly onto her. Stage fright ensued, she started to panic, her heart beating so fast she was sure she was on the verge of cardiac arrest. She snapped her head around, she didn't care who else had noticed her clumsy misfortune, as long as Tilly hadn't. Praying to whoever was listening, she pleaded that Tilly's attention would still be focused anywhere other than on her. She was safe, but she could see Tilly paying for her drink. There was no time. She ran the last few steps to the counter, dropped the envelope on top of the open book and headed for the door. She couldn't bring herself to look back in Tilly's direction again.
