I don't know what I expected from this chapter, but certainly not that. I can't say I'm really happy about it, since it's dealing with anything except Sydney, to be true… I slipped into the whole family-topic again. They're just so amazing together, all of them! Maybe I'll get it right once and write something about Jamie's feelings… yeah, I guess I will. Some day.
I hope you like it, nevertheless, at least a bit.
„Jamie, could you help me in the kitchen?" Frank didn't wait for an answer as he carried out the plates. Everyone at the dinner table looked at the rookie. "What did you do wrong?", Danny asked, not really worried. Jamie shrugged. "Don't know." Without meeting his brother's - or anyone else's - eyes, he stood up and followed his father.
As soon as he was in the kitchen, Linda left her seat to take over Jamie's, right next to Erin. "Do you think she called him?" Erin shook her head. "I don't know", she sighed. "He's been quiet for the whole meal. What else should have happened?", Henry bellowed. "Shh", the other ones hissed, and the children laughed. "Shh", Henry hissed at them, and Nicky laughed even more.
"Who called uncle Jamie?", Sean asked innocently, and now Nicky just broke down with laughter. Danny frowned. "You told her, Erin?" "No, I didn't." Erin threw her brother an angry look. "But when you don't want something to spread out you better don't talk about it on Sunday at dinner!"
"You all know who called uncle Jamie? Tell us!" "Yeah, tell us!", Jack fell in.
Henry cleared his throat. "Why don't you boys get up and check if our play station is still working?" Jack stared at his great-grandpa. "But it's Sunday! You never let us play on Sunday!" Nicky looked at her mother. "Can I stay?"
Erin ignored the sharp glance Danny shot her, but her voice was firm. "No, you can't, Nicky." "You can try to beat your cousins"; Danny suggested. Nicky fumed. "I'm not a baby anymore, uncle Danny!"
"Nicky!" Erin was fuming, too. She hated fighting with Nicky, and she hated Danny fighting with Nicky even more. But what she hated the most was having to be on Danny's side when he was fighting with Nicky. "Please." She looked her teenage daughter directly into the eyes, hoping to find understanding in them. "This is not about you. It's about my little brother." Nicky rolled her eyes. "Fine." The "little brother"-card was unbeatable.
Erin closed her eyes as Nicky left the room, and Linda soothingly put her arm around her shoulders. "They grow up so fast." "Yeah"; Erin sighed. She looked at Danny. "Since you just messed up my day I think you should get me some alcohol." Henry laughed. "That's my granddaughter. Bring on the bourbon, Danny, we've got some serious talk to do." He chuckled at his own words, and as Danny now rolled his eyes Erin recognized the similarity between him and Nicky. Family. There was nothing she wouldn't do to protect her family, she realized once more. And as Linda sat down at her side, with fire in her eyes, Erin knew that she was thinking the same. She was a Reagan. Sydney would never have been one.
"What's up, Dad?" Jamie stood at the door, leaving as much space between him and his father as possible. Frank noticed it sadly. "I hoped you would tell me." Jamie shrugged. "You were very quiet these days. I was wondering…" "Wondering as the Police Commissioner or my father?", Jamie interrupted – and immediately regretted his words. He swallowed. "I'm sorry."
Frank nodded heavily. "I understand." He took a step towards his son. "Jamie, I know your job out there is not easy at the moment. I read the records about the frozen people found this winter, and I know that you were working on many of…" "It's not the job, dad." Again Jamie interrupted. His eyes were glued to the floor. "I mean, it's hard… to see all of them and knowing that I could have ended like them so easily if it wasn't… if it wasn't for you and…"
"Jamie!" Frank broke the distance and grabbed his son's shoulders, forcing him to look up. "I don't know what is eating you up, and I can't force you to tell me about it. I wish you would, though, since you are suffering, and I hate seeing my children suffer. But in any case you need to know that there is no way you will ever freeze to death." He shook his head. "What on earth makes you think we would ever let you down?"
Jamie shrugged and bit his lips. Then he sighed. "It's just… I got a call a few days ago, it was…" He nodded, as if to encourage himself, "it was Sydney, dad. She's fine in London, but… she was speaking about us and mistakes that we made and she wanted to come back. And I told her that it wouldn't work out, that we were both… just where we're supposed to be. And I'm sure of that, I just… since I talked to Syd I can't stop thinking that… the choices that I made… all of you wanted me to stay out of the NYPD, and still I joined. And you never stopped helping me, though…"
"I've already told you my opinion about your becoming a police officer, Jamie"; Frank interrupted firmly, "you know that I am proud of you, you know that Danny is proud of you even if he doesn't show it, and you should know your mother well enough. She always wanted you kids to be happy. You know that!" Jamie nodded quickly. He had dreaded this conversation – for months, actually. Ever since Sydney had left him to live her own life he was wondering how much his decision disturbed and changed his family's life. He felt more at home in the NYPD with each day passing, and he had by now understood that Danny's getting angry at him was mostly born out of sorrow. Still – Sydney had wanted to marry him. He had wanted to marry her, he had wanted to spend his life with her, and when she said she'd go –
"I never really fought for Sydney", he confessed, eyes still cast down. "When she said she would go I… I didn't feel anything. No pain, no love, I wasn't even angry. I was…"
"You were relieved", Frank completed the sentence, and his face softened as he saw tears of shame in his son's eyes. "Jamie…"
"I was so filled up with the past – Joe's death, the Blue Templars, mom and how she wanted me to be someone else…that I couldn't find the power or the will to look into the future." Jamie shook his head. The tears made him look younger than he was, and Frank felt the urge to protect him from the world – a feeling that had started when he had held him for the first time, and would never fade. Right after Joe's death he had struggled every day not to cancel Jamie's place at the academy. He had tried to intervene Danny's course – major crimes wasn't exactly the safest unit. Fortunately, neither Danny's sergeant nor Renzulli had backed away. Both had risked their career to save his son's future, and he was more than grateful for that. But sometimes the overwhelming fear of losing another child came back, and it were these moments that kept him awake at night. Or raised him from sleep in his nightmares.
"Does it ever go away?" Jamie's voice brought him back to reality. "What do you mean?" "I mean the feeling of…" Jamie bit his lips. He wasn't sure how to say it – and he wasn't sure if that really was a question to ask of a Police Commissioner. Maybe he should have asked Linda – she knew how police officers behaved, after all, she was living with Danny.
"The feeling of not feeling anything anymore as long as it isn't concerning work?" Frank gently asked. Jamie nodded, and Frank sighed. "I think you best ask Linda about that." Jamie smiled. "Yeah."
"But you know, son", the Commissioner said as he guided him towards the living room, "every cop has to fight a battle of his own. You told Nicky once that it was not only a job but your whole life. That was right. I can't tell you when it starts to get easier. But I'm sure that you will find your own way to deal with everything. I never told you but Joe was sure one day you'd turn around and become a cop."
"He was?" Jamie felt so relieved that the tears started to fall anew. That had been one of his worst fears ever since he had started to work with his brother's sergeant. "Really?"
"Really. And it drove your mom crazy… till she got diagnosed." Now it was Frank whose eyes were oddly gleaming. "That was when she told me to make sure you're happy. So, son" he said louder now, to officially put an ending to the matter. "I can tell you from all of us that your breaking up with Sydney" – at the name the others at the table stared at him, completely aghast – "or her breaking up with you", Frank admitted, "was a sad, but a good thing. For both of you."
"Copy that", Danny declared, raising his glass. "Did she call you finally?"
"Danny!" Erin, Linda, Henry and Frank shouted. The kids came in at the sound. "What's up, dad?" "Yeah, what's up, uncle Danny?" Nicky was still sulking – she had lost, obviously.
"Well" Danny frowned. Erin smiled at the confusion and embarrassment in her brother's face.
It was Jamie who helped him out. "It's about Sydney", he told the younger ones. "She called me to say that she is fine and she loves work in London." He turned to the adults now, who tried to look surprised and innocent.
"I know she called you, too", he said, "I just couldn't talk about it because I was afraid of… reopening wounds. I mean you all welcomed her and I kind of threw her away and… I know you miss her. Some of you, at least"; he added as Henry snorted.
"I just want you to know that I never wanted to hurt her, and I never wanted to hurt you. I'm… I'm thankful to have you around here, and I…" He swallowed. Erin stood up and hugged her baby brother. "I just want to make you proud", Jamie whispered, and the whole family smiled. Fear of failure was a typical Reagan quality, but with Joe and Jamie it had reached its highest development. Linda looked at her husband expectively. Danny frowned, but he knew he would lose against her. He sighed. "You do, kid."
Erin let go of Jamie as he stared at Danny in surprise and amazement.
"You do…"
Yeah, now stop being pathetic, okay?" Henry and Frank chuckled as Danny demonstratively avoided Jamie's eyes.
"And don't you waste another thought on your ex, kid, the girl was a pest!"
