I'm sorry for bugging you, but… right after I posted this chapter I felt like Jamie's feelings had gone missing, and that I should write something about that in an own story. Then I read a review that was saying kind of the same – that the last chapter went in an entirely different direction than the ending of the fourth chapter had been headed to. So I decided to write another chapter, hopefully the last now. Thanks to you who liked the fifth chapter, though, and I hope you'll accept this one as well. It's going to be darker at the beginning, but it hopefully lights up in the end. And thanks for the hint, Danny's gonna have the last word again!
She didn't pick up. Why was he surprised? He had cut her off last time, as Renzulli had put it. Jamie put his cell onto the table and continued his march through the loft. He wasn't sure whether it was disappointment or relief that made his stomach spin. Probably both.
His family had taken the whole thing better than he had expected, obviously. He always had known that Danny hadn't liked Sydney too much, but Erin had seemed to do so. It was strange to hear how little the woman he had wanted to spend his life with had meant to his family.
As Jamie walked past the table for the thirty-seventh time, he wondered what else he had misunderstood since he had become a cop. The world had surely changed. Failing his family, though, had remained one of the things he dreaded most, and now that he knew he hadn't failed them with Sydney – why did it still eat him up? Why was he mad of Danny right now?
Thirty-eight. He had to try it again.
Not because of his family. Because of what Renzulli had said – because of Sydney. Because of him. Because of them.
This time, she picked up. "What is it, Jamie?"
He couldn't speak. Hearing her voice so sudden and reserved made him freeze. He had indeed cut her off then.
"Jamie?"
"Hey." Was this like she had felt when he had called her? Jamie sat down on the couch as anxiety and guilt turned his legs to jelly. "I'm sorry to bother you again, but…" Words were failing. How could he possibly tell Sydney how commanding and harsh he had been last time and tell her to speak now without commanding her again?
"Jamie? I've got work to do." Sydney's voice was softer, though, and Jamie pulled himself together. "I just wanted to say sorry I didn't let you speak the last time. I realized", he sighed, he hated lying to her, "okay, my sergeant made me realize that I didn't give you any opportunity to tell me your version of us and…"
"Your sergeant? Jamie, you're an adult!" The frustration that filled Syd's voice now was all but familiar.
"I know that I am, but I didn't understand it at first so…"
"Then you shouldn't have called me again. I'm fed up with talking to you via the NYPD."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that's probably the problem we had. You never did anything for yourself! Your whole life long you've been trying to please your family, and the world. You went to Harvard because of your mom. You went to the academy because of your brother Joe… you asked me to marry you because of your father…"
"Syd, that's not true…"
"It is! And I accepted it. I accepted it because I love your family, Jamie, really, I do. But they're not perfect. They do their best but they can't tell you how to live best. I thought you had understood that when we lived together in Harvard, but you didn't. And then when I…" Her voice broke, and Jamie heard her sobbing. He felt sick.
"Sydney, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I'm so…"
"I know, Jamie. You never want to hurt anyone. That's the problem." The lawyer girl's voice was sad, but firm again. "When I left you, I did it for myself. Because I knew that I couldn't go on living like that. And you didn't fight for me, you didn't even say a word, and I hoped that you would understand it now. I thought you would let me go because of yourself, because you too had realized our love was gone. But I should have known better." She got bitter now, and Jamie felt tears welling up in his eyes as she continued, "I called your grandpa, and I called Erin, too. I guess you know that by now. I wanted to know how you were, Jamie. I wanted to know if you were living your own life now. And what did I get to hear? Besides that I'm an enemy to your family, of course. I heard you're a dutiful family member, a good cop, you're still the good little boy everyone wants to see in you. You've learnt nothing! And when you called me I had no idea what the hell you would want from me. I had this picture of you in my head, ordering me to leave your family alone. It wasn't too bad a picture, and that helped me, even though it hurt. Because it hurt, Jamie, it hurt to finally realize that I was never even half as important to you as your family is! It hurt to realize that I was just a girl you needed to fulfill your parent's expectations."
"Sydney, that's not true! I love you!"
"Do you? Did you ever? Just because of myself? Just for yourself? Right after you told me you would join the academy I was sure we'd get over it. I thought we would be like Danny and Linda. She knows she's second fiddle to the job sometimes, but she also knows there is nothing Danny wouldn't do for her. No matter the rules, no matter what you all say. He is a cop with heart and soul, but he would throw it away for her. In a second. I thought you and me, we could be like that. And that would have been all I've ever asked for."
For a few minutes, silence filled the line.
Jamie could hardly breathe. A part of him wanted to run away, away from Syd and her words, her voice, her picture in his mind. The other part wanted to hold her and tell her how sorry he was. And how amazing she was. She knew him so much better than he had given her credit for. And if what she just had said was true…he didn't know if he could bear it.
"This is my version, Jamie. Go tell your sergeant about it. And then wake up and stop doing everything for others. This is your life." A voice from the distance called her name, and she sighed. "I've gotta go. I wish I could say that I'm glad you called, but I can't. Don't call me again." She hung up.
Jamie's finger felt numb as he put the phone back onto the table. He didn't know what to feel. In parts Sydney was right. In parts – well, the first thing that had ever annoyed him about her was her selfishness. Born the youngest of four children he had a different background in social life – Sydney had grown up alone with her parents.
As he sat on the couch, on exactly the same spot where he had sat when Sydney had said she'd leave, Jamie realized that he missed her. He had missed her all the time, actually, he just hadn't known it. Being a cop filled his life, but there was empty space in his heart.
Slowly Jamie got up and looked out of the window. New York stretched out beneath him, shining bright and colorful in the dark of night. It was a wonderful city. For a moment he just stood there, watched life down on the streets and felt lonely.
His phone rang. Jamie picked up without reading his display. "Reagan?"
"Hey, kid, what's going on?"
He closed his eyes. "Hey, Danny. I'm… good. Why are you asking?"
"Just cause. You were pretty upset this afternoon. Linda said I should take a look at you."
"Did she?" So not even Danny did the things he did just because of himself. Maybe it was a Reagan disease.
"Well, I'm okay. Tell her thanks from me, right?"
"Kid, Linda's not the only one worried about you." He could almost see Danny's eyes roll as he spoke. "After you we left Jack and Sean started talking about Sydney and how funny she was and…"
"I'm okay, Danny. Really. Just leave it."
"I'm not talking about you, Jamie! I'm talking about my kids. They seem to miss that girl, I don't know why they do, but they do. So I thought maybe you could come over to us? So they have their favorite uncle I wouldn't have been if it wasn't for Joe", Jamie murmured sadly.
"What was that?" Danny's voice got hard as steel, but Jamie was in no mood to calm him.
"I said I wouldn't be their favorite uncle if Joe was still alive."
Oh you say so? You know something, little brother, go screw yourself! You wanna tell me you've been envying Joe but it's okay now he's dead? Screw you. And screw Sydney, and sorry I tried to kick some life in that pathetic ass of yours. Call me when you've get out of your sweet self-pitying dreams and are ready to be an adult again." He hung up and Jamie remained where he stood, motionless, thoughtless and lonelier than ever.
Five minutes later the phone rang again, but Jamie couldn't bring himself to answer. Danny had to speak to the mailbox: "Jamie? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You shouldn't have either, just saying. But anyway… the invitation was serious. Linda's cooking for you, too. And there's a game at night, so…kid, I hate speaking to a mailbox, why are you doing this to me? Get yourself here. Now."
Jamie bit his lips. His stomach was still spinning around and his heart beat so heavy that it hurt. Slowly he dialed Danny's number.
"Don't talk about Sydney anymore. Promise me."
"What? I didn't talk…"
"Promise me, Danny. No matter what happened to us, I loved her. And a part of me will always love her. She changed me… and I guess it was for the better somehow. If they boys remember her in a good way then let them. She deserves it."
"Uhm…okay. I guess I don't have to understand that."
"You don't. Just promise me."
A pause. Then: "I promise you kid. No more talking about Sydney. You seem to have grown up. So could you stop somewhere on the way? We're in dire need of beer!"
Okay so the end… I better spare you that. You'll know what you think about it, and if you wanna tell me, I'd be very grateful. Though I'm afraid I won't change it again. This may not be good, but it's the best I can do right now, I guess.
